A/N: I had actually hoped more people would read this. I don't know, I was so excited about it myself that I maybe didn't think clear. Oh well.
The grandmother of someone that I know for my entire life died lately. Yesterday was the funeral - well, not really the funeral itself. I don't know how it is in other countries, but we here have first like a moment where you can offer the family and dear friends of the deceased condolences. I always think that that first moment is the most saddest, because you actually see the grieving family and talk with them and have to shake their hands... And I was crying too. Not because I miss that grandmother, I didn't really talk much with her, but because that boy I know since forever cried, and his little brothers too and I just can't cope with other people's sadness (at least if I know the people that are crying). It was SO sad, I was just crying and it was NOT pleasant.
But that's why I feel really sorry for the team in this story. It's so mean of me to tear Lisbon away from them like this. But in like all my stories, it will have a happy ending eventually. I can't say much about it, but just think. :P I'm afraid I revealed too much now already. Let's continue with the story.
What's da starry? Are ya well? (Means 'What's up? Are you alright?' in Irish. I don't know why I'm all of a sudden so interested in Ireland, but it's SO great :D)
Seriously, I should stop with my Author's Note now...
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Too bad. Wish it was, though.
Jane's world came crashing down as Van Pelt's words sank in.
"What?"
"It crashed, just above Milwaukee. According to paramedics, most people on board died."
"No no. No," whispered Jane. It couldn't be. Not Lisbon.
"I'm sorry, Jane."
He jumped up and ran towards her office.
"Jane!" exclaimed Van Pelt behind him, and followed him. "She's not here, Jane. She's not."
"She brought her phone with her, didn't she? Can't you call that? She can't be dead, I would feel it-"
Van Pelt cut Jane off by pulling him into a tight hug.
"It's what we've been trying to do for the past hour. We can't reach her. I'm sorry, Jane, but we have to accept the fact that she's dead."
Jane's breath caught in his throat.
"I would feel it if she's dead, Grace. I just know-"
"Stop it," said Cho behind them, "you wouldn't feel it because that's nonsense."
Jane pulled away from Van Pelt, and the woman's heart broke when she saw how dead his eyes already looked.
He ran off to his attic, and Cho and Van Pelt sighed at each other. They were sad too, but Jane always had to be a drama-queen.
"I'll call Thomas," said Van Pelt, and Cho nodded.
-YulianaHenderson-
Jane stared at the roof of the CBI building, the part he could see from his attic. He had burned the Red John files there, just before he had broke both his and Lisbon's heart.
Now that she wasn't here, it hurt him even more. That stupid Red John.
He stared at the sky. She couldn't be... she couldn't be dead. Or could she?
He closed his eyes, picturing her face in front of him. She was smiling at him.
He sighed.
He without Lisbon was not possible. Everybody knew that. They needed each other, if they admitted that or not. Jane just couldn't live without her.
That became clear when he'd left for Las Vegas. The first week was easy, he didn't have that much problems. After a few weeks though, he started seeing her everywhere. That dancer Lorelei with whom he'd shared the bed – against his own will, that is – had first been Lisbon to him, when he'd seen her dancing. Or when women called, he always thought they were Lisbon, because their voices sounded much alike. But he knew Lisbon wouldn't follow him. Not because she didn't miss him, but because she knew she couldn't possibly bring him back to Sacramento even if she wanted him to.
He pressed his face against the window, slowly registering the pain coming from his nose being bent more than it could endure.
One thing was for sure: if Lisbon was dead, he was too.
-YulianaHenderson-
"Annabeth Lisbon?"
"Hey, Annie," Van Pelt answered, "I'm sorry to bother you, but did you happen to have spoken to Teresa after she went to the airport?"
"No. Why?"
Van Pelt sighed.
"The plane she was supposed to be on has crashed."
She heard a faint gasp, followed by a long silence – she almost doubted if the girl has fainted or something – and then heard a familiar voice again.
"Grace?"
"Thomas, hi. Did Annie tell-"
"She hasn't called us yet. I heard about it on the news but didn't realize that was Tessie's flight. Did you try to call her?"
"We did, but we can't get a reply."
She heard a low groan, almost desperate.
"I will call you back," stated Thomas, and hung up.
Van Pelt sighed, and immediately felt two pair of eyes almost burning into her.
"She hasn't called them either," stated Van Pelt, and the men sighed.
"I don't know guys, this doesn't feel right," Rigsby said. "Why wouldn't she call if she took another plane? She would have called, the boss always calls."
Van Pelt sighed, and nodded.
"I don't want this. I don't want to live without the Boss."
"Me neither, Grace, but we have to. We have no other choice."
The phone rang, and Van Pelt almost jumped on it.
"Grace van Pelt," she stated.
"Hi Grace, Thomas again."
Van Pelt sighed. "Hi."
"I've called James and Michael, but neither of us have heard something about Teresa. James is already on his way to the airport to hear more. We have to keep each other reported, I want to know what happened to her."
"Got it. We'll do a bit more research, if we know more we'll definitely call you."
"Keep positive, Grace. Bye," said Thomas, and hung up. Van Pelt smashed the phone down.
"She's still living, I know she is."
Three days later
"Police officers are still looking for three missing people that were presumably on board of the Boeing 747 flight from New York to Los Angeles, the plane that crashed amidst the trees in the tight forests there three days ago. Their names are real estate manager Martin Sweets, top chef Tory Smith and CBI agent Teresa Lisbon. If the three are still alive, they probably are somewhere in the forests, trying to survive, though the chances of these people still living are getting smaller with the day. Experts say they probably aren't living anymore-"
Cho turned off the TV.
"Hey, we were watching that-"
"Will only make you more depressed," deadpanned Cho, and walked back to his desk. Not before shooting a look at Lisbon's office. They didn't know why, but they all wanted to see her office. As if suddenly Lisbon would be there, straightening her desk because of yet another high placed ass demanding she did something. As if suddenly she would be smiling at them, even if it was a forced smile – which she did more than often.
Van Pelt sighed, and walked to her desk too, taking out the little mirror she kept in one of the drawers.
"I still don't like doing this while people don't know for sure if she's dead."
"And that's why it's called a memorial service. To remember her."
"Shut up, Wayne," hissed Van Pelt. Neither of them made much sense these days, their heads were too cramped and they didn't know what they were thinking exactly. It was an emotional rollercoaster for all of them, and especially for Jane.
Speaking of the blonde pain-in-the-ass; where was he?
Van Pelt sighed desperately when she again saw Jane in Lisbon's office.
There was no need in getting him out there. Actually, there was no use in that, he was so stubborn that he just wouldn't listen. But the team figured that was his way of dealing with the pain. Lisbon was an important person in all of their lives, both as a brilliant team-leader as a good friend. But they all knew, without him telling them, that Jane felt Lisbon was more than that. They both might not have known a hundred percent sure, but they sure thought about it.
Patrick Jane was in love with Teresa Lisbon. And it were moments like these that it only became clearer to everybody around him.
It scared him, hell, his feelings even scared the rest of the team. He had always told them, in these long years that he'd worked with them, that he would definitely stay alone the rest of his life. As soon as Red John would be gone, out of the picture, he would leave too, comply to the utterly lonely life he had always told he should've had. Maybe, just maybe, he would find a woman that would make him happy again. But he had never realized that that person was right in front of him, disguised as his best friend.
Van Pelt stood, straightening her pitch black dress, and walked over to Jane, who was standing in the middle of Lisbon's office again, occasionally turning and looking around.
"Jane," she said gently. She didn't want to completely scare him out of his thoughts. He could be like a sleepwalker then, if you wake one bad things can happen.
He looked up at her.
"Are you almost ready for the memorial service?" Van Pelt asked, as gentle as before. She saw Jane faintly swallowing, and then he shook his head.
"I'm not going."
Van Pelt internally groaned. This was going to be tougher than she'd thought.
"Come on, Jane. Don't be a child. Lisbon is dead, she's not coming back, and she would want you to go. She wouldn't want you to grief about her death-"
"I'm not going, Grace. I'm not."
Van Pelt sighed, edging desperately, and then turned around. Like she'd thought, no use in trying.
She looked at Rigsby, who nodded faintly.
"Let's go."
-YulianaHenderson-
Despite how much Jane knew Van Pelt was right, going to her memorial service just wouldn't feel right for him.
Lisbon wouldn't want him to grief. She would want him to continue his life. She wasn't even that important, so nobody would miss her.
While in fact, even after these short three days, Jane already missed her with a passion. Breathing just hurt, he couldn't cope with it anymore.
He was in his attic, nothing guilty about that, were he not carrying a knife.
He wanted to end his life. Life without Teresa Lisbon wasn't the same anymore. There would be no sun in his life, it would be dark forever and he didn't have something to light it with anymore. Maybe catching Red John, but right now, that didn't even care so much anymore.
Five times had he tried to cut his wrists in the past hour, but with no luck. Although his brains kept screaming at him to do it, his body wouldn't cooperate. Desperate tears were in his eyes.
He had to be dead. He had to kill himself. He could be with Lisbon then. Could finally tell her what was on his mind now. Though he didn't believe in the afterlife, it gave him some comfort now, comfort he needed so much.
He hated his life. Why did the people that he loved kept disappearing, leaving him in the cold and dark? When would he finally meet somebody that kept at his side, through better or worse?
This was worse.
Lisbon should be here, through better and worse. This was not right at all. He knew the chances of her still living somewhere were small, but he still believed that he would feel it if she was dead. Always the optimist. Yeah right.
He put the knife at his arm again, and flinched when his body finally cooperated and created a small thin line in his wrist, and the blood slowly dripped out of it, leaving his body like his loved ones left his life; without saying goodbye.
-YulianaHenderson-
"I'm going to check on Jane," Rigsby said when the trio arrived back in the bullpen. The other two nodded, and sat at the group table in the back of the room.
"It was a beautiful service," said Van Pelt. Cho nodded slowly.
"Would be better if it was a funeral."
"We couldn't have a funeral because we don't have her body."
Cho sighed, knowing Van Pelt was right.
"Tequila?" asked Cho, and Van Pelt nodded.
Van Pelt stared at Lisbon's empty office. It had been cleaned the day before, maybe after everybody had confirmed that Lisbon was dead. The team had fought for it though, because Bertram had wanted to shut it, make something new out of it, or worse, give it to another Senior Agent. They couldn't let that happen.
What then happened, happened very fast. Van Pelt heard Rigsby screaming from the stairs leading to the attic, a drawer slamming shut and then Cho running towards the attic too. Van Pelt frowned, she had no idea what was going on.
Cho quickly came down, his phone to his ear, but Rigsby didn't come.
"I need you to send an ambulance to the HQ of the CBI. A man cut himself, he's bleeding a lot," said Cho to the phone, and Van Pelt froze, "yes. There. Okay."
"What's wrong?"
"Jane, he cut himself in his wrists."
Van Pelt was gone with the speed of light, running up the stairs that led to the attic – strange, she'd never been there – and almost collapsed when she saw Rigsby leaning over Jane's almost lifeless body.
"Oh my gosh," she breathed, and Rigsby looked up. He was holding Jane's arm, trying to stop the bleeding.
"Don't panic, Grace, don't," he said, though he was panicking too. She could hear it in his voice.
Within a minute the paramedics arrived, and Jane was brought to the hospital.
Now, the three were confused, and helpless. Lisbon was gone. Jane was almost gone. How could they think like this, with two of their team members lost?
-YulianaHenderson-
"Family?" asked the doctor. He walked into the hall and three people immediately jumped up. They didn't look like each other at all, so they couldn't possibly be family of each other. Maybe they were married in some way, but he didn't find that possible either since he saw no wedding band anywhere, only on the patient.
They looked at each other, and his suspicions had been confirmed.
"I'll let you in, but only because no family has yet presented itself. For Mr. Jane, I presume?"
They all nodded.
"Come in."
They entered the hospital room, and saw Jane laying in the big hospital room. He wasn't that small, considering he was only one person away from being the tallest of the team, but this bed made him look smaller than he was.
They could clearly see he wasn't unconscious, but he didn't turn his head either to look at them. Maybe he was ashamed of what he'd done, of the way he was trying to cope with her death.
"I'm not in the mood to talk now-"
"You don't have a choice," stated Cho, and they sat down around him.
Jane sighed.
"Though we're happy that you're still alive-"
"We're mad at you," deadpanned Cho, and Van Pelt shot him an angry look. Cho just shrugged, and leant back into his chair.
"What I was trying to say subtly before Cho interrupted me: you should have talked to us."
Jane sighed, and stared at the ceiling.
"I didn't-"
"We don't care if you didn't want to. We don't want to lose you too, Jane. It was lame to try and kill yourself."
"Without Lisbon-"
"No, Jane. We are hurting too, but we don't kill ourselves, do we?"
Jane sighed once again. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel so empty already."
Van Pelt grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, well aware of the IV stuck in it. She didn't even know why they put it inside his hand, he had only almost bled to death, it wasn't like he had been- Okay, she understood why it was there, but it made this all the more realistic and she didn't want that. Neither of them wanted that.
"We know, Jane. We'll have each other now. Don't dare leaving us again."
"I won't-"
"Promise, Jane. We have to be there for each other and we can't if you keep running away from us. You're a part of our team too, despite how much you try to escape from that fact. And especially now. Lisbon wouldn't want us to fall into cold, lonely lives."
Jane groaned, and then opened his eyes. He looked around, and saw the worried eyes of the entire team – even Cho seemed to care a bit.
"Don't worry about me-"
"You're in a hospital, Jane. We have all right to worry about you."
Jane smiled faintly. "Touché."
"Until you're released from here, one of us is going to stay here. We'll switch it so everybody has been here with you. No, Jane, it's needed. We don't want you to be alone now."
Jane sighed again, though he was glad the three still cared about him that much.
"Las Vegas-"
"Is forgotten. Only now. You were stupid back then."
Jane chuckled faintly.
"I was. I still am."
"Now go sleep, and stop thinking about suicide."
Jane nodded.
"Thank you guys," he said, and they smiled faintly.
"No problem."
-YulianaHenderson-
He wanted to sleep. Really.
He closed his eyes and once again he saw Lisbon's heavily butchered body. Oddly, the same butchered as Angela and Charlotte's bodies.
He opened his eyes, took in a deep breath, and closed his eyes again. Lisbon, underneath a plane, metal splitting her into three pieces.
His eyes shot open. He stirred in his bed.
"What now?" asked Cho. Why on earth did the three decide he was the first one to stay with Jane? Overnight?
"I can't sleep," said Jane. He heard a faint groan.
"Why not?"
"Why do you think?"
Cho huffed softly, before focusing back on his book. Jane sighed, and sat up straight. No need in sleeping now, he would only have nightmares anyway.
"What are you reading?" asked Jane. Cho looked up.
"I don't know."
"How can you be reading something-"
"I don't know, okay. I don't know what kind of book this is and I don't know what I'm reading and why. I lost her too, Jane. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I don't know how to cope with my feelings either. I want to cry, scream, yell, hit things, but I won't. Don't think you're the only one suffering."
"I don't-"
"Yes, you do. If that's your way of coping, that's fine, but don't do stupid things like trying to kill yourself. That's only a scream for attention-"
"It's not a scream for attention. She is the only light in my life, and now she's gone, though I don't want to admit that. I lost loved ones before, I didn't want to lose Lisbon too."
"But you lost her."
"And I didn't want to! I promised her that I would save her, but I failed. I failed, and now she's dead. Because of me-"
"Not because of you-"
"Yes because of me! Cho, I told her to visit her family! It's all my fault, she should've never been on that plane! She's dead, god dammit, and it's because of me!" exclaimed Jane, helplessly, hopelessly. Tears were streaming down his face already, and the machine next to him was beeping frantically because of his sped up heart rate. He hit the thing, almost breaking his hand as he did. Were he not laying in a stupid hospital bed, he would have kicked the thing until it was broken.
"It's my fault!" he cried. Cho was shocked at this sudden outrage of Jane. He had never expected him to lose it that quick, and this heavily. Jane was always one to control his emotions, even better than Cho himself sometimes, so to see Jane like this was heart-breaking considering why he was like that.
He went to get a nurse, who were already rushing to check on Jane. When one of the nurses saw Jane's state, she waved to another nurse. She ran over to Jane, engaging him in an appropriate hug – though Jane couldn't care less about how appropriate it was – while the other nurse went to give him medications to calm down.
A few minutes later, Jane was staring blankly at the ceiling. The nurses had probably given him enough medication to stay like that for the next three months, but Cho was already glad Jane had calmed down.
Cho sat next to Jane, not caring about the book anymore. It was so obvious to everybody now that Jane cared too much about Lisbon. Though Cho missed her too, he could control his pain just a bit. Enough though not to lose it like Jane did.
Jane was so much in love with her that his body did what his heart told him to, not his brain. His brain was dead right now. But it wouldn't take long until his heart was dead and cold too.
There would be no living with Jane like this, and secretly, Cho wished Jane had succeeded in killing himself. He would never say that, though, because despite everything Jane had done to them, Cho still cared about the man.
"I love her so much," came suddenly the strangled voice of Jane, and Cho startled just slightly.
"I know, Jane."
Jane swallowed. Apparently, he had found a way of thinking clear despite all the medications and pain. Too much biofeedback, the given medications would probably never really work on Jane, he would find a way.
A small tear escaped Jane's eyes.
"Can you give me an overdoses so I'll die?"
A/N: What? NOOO, Jane, you can't die or kill yourself! Trust me, this story has a happy ending! Hang on!
And YOU too, yeah you! Hang on! Let me know, in the meantime, what you thought about this chapter. In a REVIEW, please! And thank you in advance! And oh, you don't have to sign in to review, you can also leave one anonymously!