A/N : Firstly, I'd like to apologize for the really late update. I had exams, but now that they're over, I'll be updating faster (hopefully)!
Chapter 13 - Oxygen
The next afternoon, Toby Cavanaugh was standing outside a bright door that stood out in their monotonous neighbourhood, caught in a civil war between his head and his heart. It was common knowledge that his heart was the more dominant of the two and it proved so by winning this skirmish. Without wasting another moment (he had taken the day off for this), he raised his hand and knocked purposefully. The door swung open after a few long moments before Toby could contemplate turning away.
Arianna, his journalist friend and Emily's girlfriend, stood on the other side wearing a confused expression.
"Toby! To what do I owe this pleasure?" Her greeting came a beat too late, as if it had taken her more than a mere moment to place her neighbour's face. As if she had had to search her mind to recognize him, as if they didn't practically see each other every day across the street.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you. I can come back later," Toby smiled apologetically, hoping that she indeed wasn't too busy for the conversation he'd been intending to have for a while.
"No, I'm not particularly busy. Why don't you come in?" She stepped back to let him inside. Toby followed her into the familiar hallway, pausing to wipe his feet on the beige doormat shaped like a paw.
"Is Emily home?" Toby asked, looking around like he was lost as he had all those days ago when he had been invited to that fateful lunch.
"No, she's at work. The swimmers apparently need their coach at all times," Arianna made a face, gesturing at Toby vaguely, perhaps asking him to take a seat. She walked over to the laptop that was perched precariously at the edge of a cluttered shelf, and shut it, stowing it away in a beat-up looking bag.
Toby sat down awkwardly on the couch, grateful that Emily wasn't around. She probably wouldn't appreciate what he was about to talk about.
"Ehm. How is she? Emily, I mean. Settling in well?" Toby asked casually, adding his innocent smile into the mix so that he didn't sound too nosy.
Arianna froze in her tracks, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. "Yeah, of course. Do you have any reason for believing otherwise?" she challenged him, a guarded expression taking over her face. Arianna wondered if Emily had confided in Toby about their recent problems, although it made no sense at all. She felt a sudden burn inside her chest, and the all-too familiar fire of anger already begin to torch their way through her veins. Would Emily be dumb enough to actually go and broadcast their petty fights to neighbours that she didn't even know?
Toby was quick to notice the sudden change in Arianna's demeanour, although he could hardly assign a reason to it. It felt like he had struck a chord that was resonating with Arianna. Had she noticed changes in Emily like he had in Spencer? The way Spencer flinched whenever he touched her, the way they didn't indulge in their post-dinner Scrabble games anymore, the way whenever he asked her to bring in the newspaper or take out the garbage, she'd look at him as if he'd asked her for a blood sacrifice. He was hoping to understand why it was this the girl he loved was behaving like this. He thought he knew the reason. There could be only one logical explanation. Emily.
"No. I don't." Toby's voice sounded weak even to his own years and he watched the defensiveness cloud in on Arianna's dark eyes, remolding her into a stranger. A stranger that he was suddenly feeling frightened of. "It's just that...that afternoon...you know, during the lunch? She was very quiet. I know how it feels like to be new in a place and I was just, you know, hoping that she was fitting in right."
Toby let out a sigh of relief (inaudibly) when he noticed Arianna relax, when that shifting gaze and that fiery burn in her eyes died down a little. His response had seemingly satisfied her. And it should. He was speaking from the heart. He did remember what it was like, being new in a place like Holbrook. Surprisingly, he had fit right in. He was that amiable carpenter guy that people just found themselves making small talk to, and then inviting over for dinner or lunch. It was a pleasant change from the way he had been treated in Rosewood. The proverbial black cat. Spencer, however, had dealt with being new to a place in an entirely different manner. She'd made little to no friends, unless you counted the librarian and that funny author guy who had ventured out of his house only twice in a year (and on one of these visits, he'd made it as far as their front gate). It wasn't so much as she couldn't make friends, it was more a case of her not wanting to. He knew Spencer. She was the kind of girl who got whatever she wanted, even if it wasn't handed to her on a silver platter. That's why, Spencer's anti-social behaviour had completely thrown him off the track when they'd first started living here, because he'd always known of Spencer as a very social person. Not exactly a social butterfly, but he had always sensed that she loved being around people and loved surrounding herself with activity. At least since Alison had taken her under her wing back in school. The fact that Spencer didn't want to make any friends, hell, even acquaintances in a place where they would probably live for the rest of their lives (happily, he hoped) was something that had caused him a lot of worry. But he'd eventually grown used to it, never questioning her, never prodding her to speak about her vague reasons for keeping her distance from society.
"She is. I think. The people at Holbrook High love her." Arianna's voice was too loud after the silence of Toby's thought, and her statement fell flat on its face. "I think she's fitting in well." She frowned a little, her eyes glazing over, clearly indicating that she too had been ensnared by a stray chain of thought.
Toby cleared his throat. It seemed like Arianna was blissfully unaware of whether anything was troubling Emily or not. Or perhaps he'd misread the entire situation. Perhaps Spencer's restlessness was due to an entirely different cause, and he'd just jumped to the first conclusion he could think of. Perhaps there was nothing going on between Spencer and Emily, and they were solidly ignoring each other like they had been since Emily had first made her appearance in Holbrook. Or perhaps, Emily was just better at hiding her feelings than Spencer was. For some reason, Toby had a vague feeling that the latter was more likely to be the case. And he couldn't investigate this without Arianna's help. He felt lost, not for the first time, and he wanted to help Spencer. He wanted to help Emily. And perhaps, even himself. It was time to come clean. It wasn't as if they could continue the charade any longer. Living in Rosewood had taught Toby that the truth always reared its ugly head, no matter what. Spencer would probably kill him for doing this, but it's not like he had a choice. He'd been driven to this. He had to come up with a way to fix the situation.
"She didn't tell you anything though, did she?" Arianna asked again, suddenly snapping out of her thoughts to fix Toby with an undeserved glare.
"When you invited us over for lunch—"
"Yes? Did she tell you something then?" Arianna interrupted, her brow furrowing as she tried to think of what it could be that Emily would've confided in a near stranger. It's not like Arianna had cheated on her back then. Emily hadn't seemed particularly unhappy then either. But she had been acting strangely that afternoon. Arianna's paranoia kicked into overdrive and her overactive imagination came up with several outlandish theories, not even waiting to see what Toby was about to explain.
"—it wasn't the first time I met Emily," Toby finished, awkwardly raking a hand through his brown locks. "In fact, I've known her since...forever. I think since we were...five." Toby paused, his own words bringing forth faded, blurry memories from the past. A childhood spent being shunned. Being the creepy boy, the loner that everyone loved to make fun of. He'd even been a swimmer, briefly. That's when he had noticed Emily. The quiet girl. The girl who always had a smile for everyone. A kind word for anyone who lost a meet, or perhaps got a bad time. She was a lot like him, he had noticed, even at a young age. And he'd tried to befriend her, and she'd been nice enough not to laugh in his face, like her swimmer friends had. But that had been ages ago. Before Alison had come along and made Emily part of her clique. After that, Emily had begun to act really differently. Toby had once again relapsed into nothing but the creepy boy, who according to the school grapevine, loved staring at girls in their swimming costumes.
Toby was jolted out of his brief sojourn in the melancholy hollows of his childhood by the sound of something heavy dropping to the floor. He looked up and noticed that a replica of the Pyramid of Giza that Arianna had been playing with was now lying on the carpet, one of the corners broken.
"Wait, what?" Arianna demanded, blinking rapidly. It was taking her usually fast brain a long time to process what Toby had just said. "You knew her?"
There was something building in the pit of Arianna's stomach, threatening to make her heave. Her blood was slowing down in her veins as what Toby had just said dawned on her. She wasn't the only one whose past had caught up with her. Apparently, Emily had a few skeletons, albeit ones that were very much alive, in her closet too. She'd been hiding things too, although Arianna had no idea why.
"We grew up in the same town. Rosewood, PA. Spencer, Emily and I. We all went to school together too. Well, I left before I could finish, but that's besides the point." Toby's voice was losing confidence with each syllable that he uttered, and right now, he looked as if he thought this had been a really bad idea to begin with. "The thing is, Spencer and Emily were best friends. Them and two other girls. They were literally inseparable."
"Wait, wait. Hold on. Spencer Hastings knows my girlfriend too?" Arianna's voice was incredulous, and she plopped down on the couch beside Toby, looking puzzled. "I don't understand. Why did Emily hide this from me? Why did you all pretend not to know each other?"
"Things happened." Toby chewed at the inside of his cheek, wondering how to phrase it. Arianna already looked shocked enough from the bombshell he had dropped, and he didn't want to cause a nuclear disaster. "Things in Rosewood were never easy, and stuff got between Emily and Spencer. I guess we were all looking for a way out of that place, so it was really unexpected to see Emily here. I think it was easier for them to pretend like they'd never been friends."
"Oh. So, you're saying they had a...fight of some sort?" Arianna was trying to be supportive or understanding or whatever it is that normal people did. But she really felt like punching something right now. Something solid. Spencer Hastings' face, perhaps? But she had no idea why that thought would pop into her head.
Toby nodded in agreement, feeling some of the tension loosen inside him. He had sensed that Arianna was sensible, and so far, his assumption had been right. She wasn't freaking out, yet. "Did Emily tell you of any recent fight they had?"
"Fight? What fight? I don't know of any such thing," Arianna shook her head, frowning. It was like all her worst fears were coming true. There had always been a part of Emily that had been inaccessible to her, this mystery that clung to her that she'd never been able to solve. Hearing Toby say all of this was making her feel like she hardly knew the girl that she was in love with.
"I think Spencer and Emily had a fight. Quite recently, too. I think the fact that we live across the street from each other is making it really hard for these two and I just want to make it right. Emily was a really close friend of mine, and I do care about her so much." Toby spoke slowly and clearly, putting emphasis on every word to make sure Arianna got the sincerity behind his words. He did care about Emily, but right now, all he was thinking about was Spencer. Ever since Emily had come, she'd changed. Drifted away from him. She was more irate, more distant. He wanted to fix it. He wanted to bring his favourite smile back on her lips.
"Oh. Whoa. This is kind of...I need some time to...you know, process this. And understand it." Arianna sighed, pushing a stray lock of hair out of her dark, droopy eyes. "It's so strange knowing that Emily had a whole life that I know nothing about."
Toby smiled unexpectedly, although it wasn't really a happy one. It was like a sad smile. A defeated smile. A smile that looked worn and familiar on his lips. "Welcome to Rosewood. I guess you can leave the place, but it still stays inside you. Spencer and Emily...they've been through a lot. And they have their secrets. I know how it feels like...to be on the periphery, to never know what's bothering the person you care about the most. I've just learned to accept it. Perhaps you should too."
Arianna shook her head, a bitter half-smirk twisting her lips. "I guess we are really different people, Toby. I would never accept that."
Toby's smile never faltered, and a look of understanding passed between the two. "Perhaps you won't have a choice."
Emily waited until the last girl was out of the natatorium, made sure that even the stragglers had made their slow departure before returning to the azure pool, gazing at it as if at a long lost friend. It was funny, in a painfully ironic way, that there had been actual times when she'd hated the pool, hated everything it had stood for. She had always loved the water, always felt like she had belonged in it. But there had been so many instances when she'd questioned her actual reasons for taking swimming up so aggressively from such an young age. She'd always felt pushed by her parents into it and for a long time, it had made her hate swimming, simply because it had made her feel like she was only conforming to her parents' wishes and not discovering her love for the water by herself. Even choosing swimming as her career had been something she'd done because that was what was expected of her. Her college coaches had thought that talent like hers couldn't be let to go to waste and everyone around her had agreed. She had played along with it, as always, letting others chalk out her future. It wasn't so much as being pressurized into it, rather, she had gone along with it because the one thing she hated most was disappointing people. Especially people she cared about. As long as she could do something to prevent others from getting hurt, she would do it. But she had ended up loving it along the way. Competitive swimming looked like it had been made for her. Or the other way around. Sure, sometimes she had found herself wondering where her life would have gone if she hadn't tried out for the National team, but winning (something she did a lot) usually had done a lot to remove those stray doubts.
But now that she'd been forced to give up that life, she found herself inevitably drawn to it. She missed hearing muffled cheers whenever she won a meet. She missed the familiar, the welcome tension that used to nestle in the pit of her stomach before a competition. She missed her crazy training schedules, missed pushing herself hard, harder, and finding that her body had this amazing response to pressure and gruelling training that usually wore the rest of her team-mates off. But more than anything, she missed the water with an almost physical ache. She longed for the pleasurable burn of exertion in her muscles from pushing water away, wanted to feel the world move fluidly around her like it used to whenever she swam. More than ever before, she found regret stretching out and sinking its roots into her chest. Toxic regret, poisoning the blurry remains of emotions that she had left for the girl she loved.
Arianna. God. The feelings of regret vanished and were replaced by feelings of guilt. Because thinking of Arianna made her think of Spencer and everything in her head went to hell.
No, she couldn't be thinking of Spencer again. She had forbidden herself from thinking of her, especially, thinking of her like that. Because Spencer was no longer just moon-lit nights and stolen drives, she was also frantic, measured touches, the cold war that had left her shivering in its aftermath.
Damn.
She really needed to clear her head. She pulled her thoughts away from that attractive entity that shall not be named in her head and busied her hands with the zipper of her jacket, shrugging it off carelessly. Her trackpants were next to go, leaving her in the black swimsuit she had worn before coming to work. She had planned this. She needed the water, she needed physical exhaustion to wipe away the terrible thoughts in her head. Her eyes quickly scanned the empty natatorium. All clear.
She didn't want any of the girls to catch their coach in the water for many reasons. Firstly, it would make them wonder. Wonder what she was doing in the water. Secondly, it had already happened before and the consequences weren't pleasant. It had been just after Spencer had kissed her the first time. The water had been her only refuge from the clashing emotions that had threatened to drive her insane. She had swum recklessly after the team had finished practice, unaware of the scrutiny of several team-members. That had started the questions. They all had felt comfortable enough around Emily, perhaps because she radiated warmth, to bombard her with queries. They'd all been impressed by the finesse which Emily's strokes possessed and they were modest enough to constantly impress upon her how awed they were by her. Some of them had even begged her to let this job go and get back where she belonged; they all believed she was wasting her time here. The last thing Emily wanted was to hear her own doubts and complaints being echoed back with such confidence, from multiple sources. So she'd never let herself give in to the innate need inside her to swim whenever life beat her down. That is, until now.
With one last sweeping glance to make sure she was really alone, Emily leaped forward, executing a simple and clean dive. The water rushed around her head, enveloping her in a blurry blue. She hadn't bothered with goggles, and already, her eyes began adding their own salinity to the pool. The momentum from her dive made her fingertips graze the bottom of the pool as she arched in the water, cold liquid streaming through the gaps between her outstretched fingers. She could hear nothing, smell nothing, there was no resistance before her. She hovered blissfully under several feet of water for few fractions of a second before she was pushed back up. Her head resurfaced and she paused for a few moments to snatch some of the oxygen from the chlorine-infused air, before plunging back into the sweet relief of the water. She didn't waste any time in warming up. Every muscle in her body seemed to be humming with pent-up energy. God, she had needed this. Breathing was secondary now. Her body took over her mind as she slipped into an accelerated rhythm that she used to employ only during the weeks leading up to a competition. The brief swim in the lake, from that night, a faded memory by now, paled in comparison to this. She belonged in the pool. It was one of the only places where absolutely no one dominated over her. The water was her ally, a companion, an instrument for the power she felt running through her veins. No one could script what she did here. No one had the right to take away the only place where she felt brave enough to let go of all her usual restraints.
Emily alternated between techniques, as if she was showing off to an invisible crowd, she used all of the strength that had been lying dormant in her muscles, waiting for an opportunity like this. She pushed herself hard, never pausing to take a breather, compelling herself to swim like she was in a race. A race with herself. She wasn't running away from herself. She was swimming. But only thirty minutes had passed, and she found her body finding this exhausting routine comfortable enough for her mind to start making a marked comeback. Thoughts that had been filtered out by the loud beat of her heart rushing in her ears and the adrenalin-fueled strokes started echoing in her mind again.
Spencer.
The supermarket. The frozen foods aisle.
God.
She was such a terrible person. She stopped in the middle of the pool, abruptly, her arms and legs clashing against the sudden stop. She let the sudden exhaustion take over her and she started sinking, willfully. She hadn't even worn a swimming cap (how many rules was she going to break?) and her hair was an inky halo around her head, obscuring her vision. Her lungs began to burn with the lack of oxygen, that precious, life-giving substance. And the burn somehow reminded Emily of the resonating burn in the pit of her stomach, in her heart, in her veins, everywhere. Her lungs were screaming for air, but every single cell inside her body, every single day, was screaming with the same urgency for Spencer. Every single day. She went further down, ignoring the cries inside her, reveling in the feeling of oxygen-deprivation. Reveling in the feeling of victory against her body. This was what not talking to Spencer shouldn't feel like. But it did. Hell, it was a thousand times worse. She wanted this burn to replace that other burn that made no sense and made her feel terrified.
However, she was only human, and soon, her body overrode her mind. Without her consent, her arms reached upwards, and her legs kicked the water out of the way, and she was fighting to get to the surface, feeling dizzy with the lack of oxygen. Her head broke free of the cold, liquid world around her, and her mouth hungrily opened to inhale short gasps of air, her heart straining in her chest with exertion. The fog in her mind cleared after several minutes of doing nothing but breathing, and she decided it was time for her swim to be over. Her leaden arms carried her to the edge of the pool, and she climbed up lethargically, taking time to get used to the sudden return of her full weight.
Her thoughts, along with her weight, made a forceful comeback, crowding her numbed mind. Spencer, Arianna, the pool, all mingled into one crazy mess. As she slowly walked to the showers, trailing water with every step, she started sorting out through the tangled threads of her thoughts. Everything disappeared and the red-hued, the bright, vibrant thread remained, shouting to attract her attention. Spencer. The way she made Emily feel. The crazy things she did. The crazy things she made Emily want to do. It made no sense to her. Emily had always had a golden rule that she never broke. Never fall for your friends. She'd done that once before, with Alison, with disastrous results. It had been the most torturous one-sided relationship she'd ever been in, and she never wanted to revisit that experience. But now, she was here, in Holbrook, with Spencer, making the same mistakes.
Spencer had been the one to kiss her, though. Emily hadn't made the first move. But that was small comfort for the fact that Spencer was straight and, oh yeah, she was also engaged to Toby. Just thinking about that fact made Emily's stomach clench and something painful and scratchy emerge at the back of her throat. She had no idea why Spencer had kissed her, and all those explanations (of revenge, hatred) she had come up with had been crushed under the weight of their previous meeting.
Emily hated herself for doing it, but she had carefully collected the words Spencer had whispered to her then, and stored them in a special place in her mind, from where they echoed to her constantly throughout the day. Making her feel things that she didn't know she could feel. What had she said? Oh yes. That Emily was driving her insane.
Hah. As if.
How could a girl who could barely control her own sanity, induce insanity in a mind as great as Spencer Hastings? Who was she? Just Emily Fields. The sweet one. The shy one. The one that barely mattered.
But Spencer made her feel like exactly the opposite. When Spencer looked at her in that way, giving her the look that she'd never seen Spencer give anyone before, not even Toby, Emily felt like she held the keys to some sort of a paradise. Spencer had ways, these little, amazing ways, of making her feel like she was living in a perpetual dream. Even before their kiss, before all of this confusion, back when they were rediscovering each other, falling into friendship for a second time, Spencer had found ways to get inside her like no one else had. But Emily had no idea when they had gone from being simply platonic to something else. Maybe it was because before, their friendship had always been filtered by the constant tension they lived with, because of A. Perhaps before, they had never really gotten to spend so much time together, alone. They'd always had Hanna and Aria was buffers, and it had been easy to not notice whatever...chemistry they might have shared. But now, it felt like they had been locked up in solitude, and they'd stumbled across something entirely new.
It wasn't just something new. It was something entirely wrong. Forbidden. Crazy. Dangerous.
And they both knew that.
Which was why Emily was here, in the first place. She'd come here as an exercise to exorcise Spencer Hastings from her mind, her heart, her body, and she'd ended up obsessing over the girl instead. Sighing to herself, she took out a towel from her bag and proceeded to the showers, with a heavy heart and a whirling mind.
A/N : Not my best filler, yes. I had a Spemily scene in this, but I cut that, and it'll be there in the next chapter.
SpemilyForever: Thank you so much! I do enjoy the sexual tension myself, so I try to include as much of it as possible.
Speed Reader: Thank you! I'm sure you'll like what does develop later on.
Guest: Wow! Thanks. I was worried it would be a little slow for people's liking.
go-sullivan : Thank you so much for those wonderful comments. Haha, Spencer is very hot, whether she's licking her lips or not.
prentiss-be-mine : Don't we all? Haha, I think Emily is a little intimidated, that's all. And your story is amazing, so thank you for writing it!
LaughLoveLiveXx: Thank you so much! I've got to admit, dialogue is my Achilles' heel, but I'm glad that lack of it can also help the reader understand the characters. And you're awesome, for catching that metaphor, 'cause I did mean it as one. And I do love strong, female protagonists, and Spencer seems to naturally fit into that role. I'm hoping to show Emily was one as well, because in my opinion, contrary to popular belief, Emily has the potential to be very strong.
spinoza-off : Thank you! Idk why, but to me, it seems as if Spencer would always be the first one to break the rules, at least out of the two of them. Emily is more cautious in her approach, although that doesn't mean that her desire is any less. No burning in this chapter, but I can't make the same promise for the next. (;
x-sugarfree-x : You're right about that! You won't have to wait long. xD
JustforKicks403 : Thank you so much. I really wanted to highlight the crazy chemistry that these two have and I'm glad it came across to you. Your comments are really kind!
Craycrayforshay : Wow! I am totally flattered. There are pretty awesome Spemily fics around though, so that means a lot to me. I'm glad you're enjoying my fanfic so much and I hope you keep enjoying it!
Guest : Thank you. :)