As If I needed one more thing today, my car would not start. I tried for a total of two minutes before I lost the tiny bit of patience I had. I got out, and ran. Just ran. Faster and faster and faster. I tripped a couple times, ripping my jeans, scrapping up my knees and elbows. But I got up and kept running, hoping that if I ran fast enough, maybe I would run into Alison. Maybe if I ran fast enough, I would turn back time. Maybe I'd run right into her backyard and see her by her pool. Maybe I'd see Jenna come up behind her. Maybe if I ran fast enough, I could stop her. I ran to my house and bolted in it. No one was home. It was a Saturday. Everyone was at the Rosewood day parade that we went to every year. Last year I was there with Alison. Three days before she died. I will never go back there again. So after changing out of my wet clothes, I stood in my kitchen. I put in my iPod, loud. Listening to any song that had anything to do with death, or being abandoned, or being mad. Some songs I cried, some songs I punched walls. While doing this, I ate. And ate. I started with the 'it's a girl' cake Spencer had made me. There was half of it left, and I ate every bit of it. With it, I ate an entire carton of ice cream. Then I ate a couple handfulls of m&m's, a full chocolate bar, and with all that, four glasses of soda. It wasn't enough. I went upstairs and got a hundred dollars out of my moms purse. I'd pay it back, but I didn't have time to run to the bank right now. Before getting into my moms car, I stopped in my bathroom and took a good look in the mirror. Was I ready to do this? I saw dark circles under my eyes. I shook my head "only for one day. I wont do this again tomorrow. But I need to today." then I closed my eyes so I didn't have to watch myself. I took my toothbrush and stuck it to the back of my throat.

I grabbed a bag of Doritos from the pantry and ate them as I drove to the store. I bought anything I thought I would want to binge on. Then I drove and got a full Chinese dinner. I went home and shoved the Chinese in my mouth as I watched all the videos Alison and I had made together. We wanted to be movie stars. We always had a camera pointed on each other. We had made DVD's of all out home movies thought the years. Four hours of footage all together. I watched it and ate and ate, then after a while, I threw it up and ate some more. I must have thrown up five times until I got the text that my family was on there way home. I cleaned up all the evidence and drove my dads car to McDonalds, where I ate more, and threw up more. I couldn't stop. It was working. Slowly I felt satisfied. Slowly I felt like I got a change to let go. I sat at the McDonalds table with my head down, feeling sick. "this isn't enough." I thought. "I need something else." what's next? I thought. Drinking? Smoking? But will that fix it? I lifted my fat, sorry butt out of McDonalds and drove to Ezra's apartment. I knocked on the door and waited nervously. Would I admit to him what I did? "Aria! Hi!" he sounded excited to see me. Then he saw my face, and the brown bag in my hand for in case I puked in the car. "what's wrong?" he asked about to hug me. But I stepped back. I was too ashamed and ugly to be touched. I lost it, collapsing into a puddle of my own pity and shame. Without knowing what was wrong, Ezra not only hugged me, but picked me up and carried me into his room. He set me down on the bed. I guess he could tell I was turning green, because he brought a trash can over, and I almost immediately started hurling into it. As soon as I stopped I looked up at Ezra. It wasn't enough. I thought to myself. I stuck my finger down my throat, Yes, in front of Ezra. "what's the matter with you?!" he grabbed my hand away from me just before I really started puking. I gagged for a second, but then chocked on my own tears. I spoke for the very first time I had been here.
"It won't bring her back…" I said realizing what I was doing was worthless. "I can't undo what I did.. I want to go back. I want to save her. But I can't.. I cant save her.. So why should I deserve to be saved?" Ezra tried to hug me, but I refused.
"Aria, honey, let me help you."
"I can't be helped!" I said. I shook my head. "Ezra if it weren't for me dating Toby when I known I shouldn't have.. None of this would have happened. If I hadn't suggested we put Alex to sleep too soon.. He wouldn't have died.. Ali wouldn't have died. It's all my fault, and now I'm here.. Paying for it. And Alison got to go to heaven, and im the one suffering." Ezra took my hand but I pulled it away, and walked backwards to get away, bumping into his dresser. "Don't! when Ali touched my hand, she disappeared.. She blew away into thin air.. Now if you touch me you'll die too.. Everything I touch died.. I was the last one to touch Alex.. And then he died." Ezra walked forward, thinking that pushing me even further would be a good idea. He took both of my hands.
"I'm still here." he told me. I looked him up and down. This time I let him hug me. I let him pick me up and take me back to his bed, from where I had been sitting minutes ago before I tried to get away from his touch. He pulled down the covers and laid me in there like a little girl. He put pillows behind me so that I was sitting propped up.
"Aria.." he started. "You must give up the live you have planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you. You planned to have Alison forever. And it hurt that she's not here. But, now that she's gone.. You have Phoebe. Alison's in a happier place. She's not in fear of Toby or Jenna anymore. She doesn't have any boyfriend problems, any homework, any guilt. She's free. And as for us, the people left on Earth, we'll make it through ok. You're smart enough to know that. You're not really upset about Ali. You feel guilty. You feel responsible for her death, and Alex's." I nodded slowly, but what I was really thinking was 'DUH! Didn't I just SAY that one hundred times?!'
"Aria, I want you to think for a second. If you left Phoebe with me for the night, and she died of SIDS, would you blame me?"
"No.." I answered.
"Would you think it was my fault?"
"No."
"Then why do you blame yourself? Jenna's the one at fault here. Not you. You're the good guy, trying to do everything perfectly. Jenna's the villain trying to tear people apart. You need to cut yourself a break. No one blames you, but yourself." he took my hands again. "And, Aria. When you stop blaming yourself, you'll be like Alison. Guilt free. Happy. At peace. The only difference is you'll be at peace on earth." I nodded in agreement.
"Thank you so much Ezra"
"Will you do one more thing for me?" Ezra asked. I nodded. Without another word, he left the room, and came back with my daughter.
"Ezra, don't you DARE!" I warned. "don't you dare put her in my arms!" He sat down on the bed, still holding her.
"She will be fine." he assured me, and put her in my arms. "hold her for one second." he asked.
"I'll be right back." Ezra called my mom, and she picked Phoebe up on her way home and I stayed with Ezra for the night. He rubbed my back until I fell asleep, and I prayed until I could no longer hear myself think. I know realize that Alison's safe. And now, so was I. I had a dream about Alison that night. In my dream, it was the day she died. In my dream, I walked into Ali's yard as Jenna was drowning her. In my dream, I saved Alison. The police arrested Jenna and Toby. Phoebe was really Ezra's baby. And she wasn't born until after we were married. In my dream Ali was at my wedding. But when I woke up, I realized I had saved Alison. Just a little bit too late. But that's ok I suppose. She was safe now, and so was I.

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