Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.
The Sorting
Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Justin Flinch-Fletchely, and Ernie Macmillan all sat together in the boat. Justin had insisted.
"But you guys are my best friends," Justin said. "I want to be with you all the time, and get to know you, and talk about wizard stuff."
His lip had trembled when they had told him that there was a four person limit on the boats, and that there were five of them.
Even surly Zacharias had to give in to Justin's sad puppy-dog eyes.
So the five new friends sat together on the four person boat. Conveniently, there was a thunderstorm that night, making the boat thrash in the violent water.
"Are you okay, Ernie?" Susan asked. "You look kind of green."
"You're not going to throw up, are you?" Zacharias asked.
"I'm just nervous about the sorting," Ernie confided. "You see, my parents really want me to get into Gryffindor."
The all laughed at their friend.
"Ernie, I told you, there's no way you could get into Gryffindor," Hannah said, laughing.
"There is no chance in hell. I mean, Voldemort has a better chance than you," Zacharias said.
"Yeah, Voldemort. Hey, who's Voldemort. That's a funny name," Justin said.
Susan, who did feel a bit sorry for Ernie, tried to reassure her new friend, "Well, maybe you could get in, I mean there's always a chance"—she broke off laughing. "I'm sorry, it's just, you getting into Gryffindor. Okay. Okay. I'm good now, I'm sorry Ernie, maybe you could" –Susan was struck by another bout of laughter.
Because of his own fear, and his hurt over his friends' insensitivity, Ernie began to cry.
The other four, unfortunately, could not stop laughing.
Between, the four's laughter, and Ernie's sobbing, and the fact that the boat was over its weight limit, the boat began to shake. Suddenly, it tipped over.
"Oh no, I'm gonna die!" shrieked Hannah.
"This is all your guys' fault for laughing at me," Ernie, still crying, said.
"Well, this isn't good, is it?" Susan declared.
"This is just like Six Flags!" Justin squealed happily.
"I'm being felt up!" shouted Zacharias. "Which one of you perverts is touching me?"
"It's the giant squid!" said Susan.
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Hannah screamed.
"No, it's okay. He's rescuing us," Susan said.
The giants squid grabbed each of them, and swam them to shore.
"I didn't know Hogwarts had such cool rides," commented Justin.
GIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUID
"I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous. If I don't get into Gryffindor, my life is over: my parents will kill me, I'll never meet any of the expectations set for me, I will dishonor my entire living family and all my ancestors," Ernie cried. "I need to get into Gryffindor."
Zacharias, Justin, Susan, and Hannah all laughed at Ernie.
"HANNAH ABBOT," Professor McGoagall called.
"I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous. Ernie, I could use a little emotional support!"
Ernie looked at Hannah incredulously, "You just laughed at my emotional breakdown!"
"Hannah Abbot, get your ass us here and put on the hat," Professor McGonagall called.
Hannah walked up to the front of the Great Hall and Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on her head.
"Hmmm," the Sorting Hat said. "Where should I put you? Gryffindor's out; seeing as you feel the need to compulsively spray people and things with Windex whenever chipmunks are mentioned."
"It's chipmunk repellant!" Hannah cried indignantly.
"SILENCE!"
"Ahhh!" Hannah screamed.
"Yeah, see what I mean about the lack of bravery thing," the Sorting Hat said. "Sorry kid. Same for Ravenclaw; I mean, I know Granger is as ugly as hell, but to actually mistake her for a rodent does not show a lot of intelligence."
"Can I at least be in Slytherin, they like snakes, and snakes eat chipmunks," Hannah said. Before the Sorting Hat could cut her off, she added, "And don't say I'm not evil enough! I just laughed at Ernie when he was having an emotional breakdown. DOESN'T THAT COUNT FOR SOMETHING?"
"One: there are no actual snakes in Slytherin except the basilisk, and you don't get to find out about him until next year when he almost kills Justin. Two: there are no chipmunks at Hogwarts. Three: let's talk about Ernie. I saw you two standing in line, and there's obviously something going on there, if ya know what I mean."
"No, I'm not sure what you mean," Hannah cried.
"I think you do Hannah. Don't you have a strange feeling when Ernie walks into a room?" asked the Sorting Hat.
"Well, I guess maybe, a little…"
"Do you ever want to kiss him?" asked the Sorting Hat.
"Promise not to tell, but yes, kind of, a little…" Hannah giggled.
"Do you ever want to do more?" the Sorting Hat asked.
"I don't know what you mean," Hannah said, a little uncomfortable.
"Yes you do Hannah," the Sorting Hat continued. "You want to be alone in a room with Ernie. You want to do things with him. You want me to watch."
"EWWW. I'm eleven, you pervert," Hannah shrieked.
"Well, anyway, my decision is final, you belong in:
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
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"SUSAN BONES!"
Susan walked up to the Sorting Hat. Professor McGonagall placed it on her head.
"Alright, Susan, let's see where you belong," the Sorting Hat continued. "Uhhh, well, you know, you're not really talked about in the book."
"Huh?"
"Well you know, I kind of read up on the characters before I sort them, and you're only mentioned a couple of times. You see, the truth is, you're not really important to the story."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"Oh, you know what I'm talking about, Susan," the Sorting Hat went on. "Denial won't do any good. The only reason you're even in the book is because you're Aunt helps Harry Potter out in the fifth book."
"Oh my gosh, you're right," Susan said, tearing up.
"It's alright, Susan, let it out," the Sorting Hat said gently. "I'm going to put you where J.K. Rowling instructs me to put all the unimportant characters. And if you ever need to talk, come visit me… alone."
"Alright," Susan sniffled.
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
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"JUSTIN FLINCH-FLETCHELY!"
Justin eagerly walked up to the Sorting Hat, and McGonagall put it on his head.
"Where should we put you, Justin?" the Sorting Hat wondered.
"Oh my gosh, a talking hat," Justin cried out. "My mum says that inanimate objects aren't supposed to talk, but I always told her she was wrong. Hey, can I bring you home this Christmas? Then I can prove to mum that I was right!"
"Uh, no," the Sorting Hat said. "Yup, Ravenclaw's definitely out. You don't strike me as particularly evil, so it's a 'no' to Slytherin. That leaves Gryffindor and Hufflepuff."
"Ooh! I could be in Gryffindor, I'm brave and stuff."
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it brave," the Sorting Hat said. "You see, what could be mistaken for bravery, is actually stupidity. If you had any concept of what danger was, I doubt you would be brave. So I guess you can't be in Gryffindor."
"I suppose you are loyal—you latched on to people like a freaky parasite, and that quality is why I'm putting you in
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
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"ERNIE MACMILLAN!"
Ernie shakily walked up to the Sorting Hat. It was placed on his head.
"Ernie, Ernie, Ernie," the Sorting Hat said. "Now, a little birdie told me that you want to go to Gryffindor."
"Well, why shouldn't I?" Ernie cried.
"Ernie, come on now. Have you looked in mirror?" the Sorting Hat said. "Now it's painfully obvious that you belong in Hufflepuff."
"I know," Ernie said, his voice cracking as he tried to suppress a sob. "But my parents are going to kill me if I don't get into Gryffindor."
"Well, I'm sorry Ernie, but it's out of my hands," the Sorting Hat said.
"Not it isn't!" Ernie cried. "You just put Neville Longbottom in Gryffindor. He's even more Hufflelpuff-ish than I am!"
"Yeah, but," the Sorting Hat said. "His gran'll kill him."
"My parents will rip out my large intestines and use it to strangle me!"
"But your small intestines is actually longer, so wouldn't it be more effective for strangulation?" the Sorting Hat asked.
Ernie ignored him. "How am I any different from Neville?"
"Neville has a homicidal grandmother and his parents are dead. You've only got homicidal parents. Case closed. You're going to:
"No!"
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING
"ZACHARIAS SMITH!"
Zacharias walked up to the Sorting Hat, which McGonagall placed on his head.
"Alright, Zacharias, I think I know where to put you," the Sorting Hat said.
"I know, Slytherin," Zacharias said. "I can't wait. Slytherins, to me, seem mildly tolerable. At least get me out of the company of those Hufflepuff freaks I've been spending time with."
"Actually, I think Hufflepuff would be good for you."
"What?!?!" Zacharias yelled. "You can't be serious."
"Don't I look serious," the Sorting Hat said.
"Uh, no. How can I tell whether or not you look serious based on the inside of you?"
"Well, that's not important," the Sorting Hat said. "The thing is, you're not really evil."
"I'm not really evil?"
"You're not really evil."
"But, but," Zacharias sputtered. "How can I NOT be evil?"
"Well, you're just bitter and sarcastic; you're sort of like an angst-ridden teenager, only you're eleven (come to think of it, aren't you supposed to be older?). Think Harry Potter in four years."
"But, how does that make me loyal?" asked Zacharias. "Couldn't I still be in Ravenclaw or something."
"Well, that's the thing," the Sorting Hat said. "You do possess a lot of Ravenclaw qualities, mostly your antisocial-ness."
"Antisocial-ness isn't a word," Zacharias corrected.
"And your know-it-all-ness," the Sorting Hat went on. "The thing is, this year, I thought I'd put some kids in houses they don't belong in, for the sake of the plot. Like, I put Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom in Gryffindor. J. K. Rowling made me."
"But why me?" asked Zacharias. "What good does it do to put me in Hufflepuff?"
"Well, you need to make friends, Zacharias," the Sorting Hat said. "And Hufflepuffs are friendly, they already like you—and take it from me, you're not exactly easy to like."
"Great," said Zacharias sarcastically.
"So I guess you're going to:
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
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"Can you believe we're all in Hufflepuff?" asked Susan.
"I know. Seriously, how convenient is that?" Ernie said. "We all meet on the train, and bonded and stuff, and now we're in the same house."
"I think it's weird. It's like there's a higher power that set the circumstances up exactly right," Zacharias commented.
"Like God?" Hannah asked.
"I actually meant like some deranged author who spends her weekends writing stories about insignificant characters who are totally to irrelevant to the book they're about," Zacharias said.
"That's just crazy, Zacharias," Justin said. "Hey look, a brick wall. I'm gonna see if I can run through it."
"I think that it's fate," Susan declared.
SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING
That ends the third chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I hoped you liked it. Reviews are always appreciated.
Stay tuned for the next chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs.