Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.
Chapter Five: Game Show
"Classes, classes, classes!" sang Justin. "This is gonna be awesome guys. I love classes. My teachers at my old school said I was really enthusiastic, so I got to go to SPECIAL CLASSES!"
"What do we have first?" Susan asked.
"Uh," Ernie fumbled in his bag for his timetable. "Aha. Potions with the Ravenclaws."
"OH NO!!!" Justin, Susan, Hannah and Zacharias yelled.
"What's with the 'oh no' guys?" Ernie asked.
"Ravenclaws…" Hannah hissed.
"I thought everyone hated the Slytherins. Aren't the Ravenclaws supposed to be our friends?" Ernie asked.
"Gosh Ernie!" Hannah groaned. "You know, just because you resent the Hufflepuff house for being the reason your parents are going to kill you, doesn't mean you shouldn't get to know the history about it."
"What are you talking about?" Ernie asked.
"Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws are mortal enemies, stupid!" Zacharias explained.
"Since when?" Ernie asked. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Everybody knows," piped in Justin. "It all started when Hogwarts was founded back a jillion years ago."
"You see," Susan said. "Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw were both smitten with Godric Gryffindor."
"They bit him?" asked Justin. "I didn't know our founders were so kinky."
"Smitten, Justin," Susan corrected. "In love, infatuated, etc."
"Who says 'smitten,' Susan?" Zacharias asked. "Gosh you're a loser."
"Yeah Susan, tell it right," added Hannah. "MY TURN TO NARRATE!"
"Just get on with it," Ernie said.
"Okay, so like, Helga told Rowena she likes Godric—they're BFFs at the time. But then, the next day, Rowena was all flirting with him—THE SLUT, and Helga was all 'oh no she DIDN'T' so she spread a rumor that Rowena was sleeping with Salazar Slytherin—(seriously, who would sleep with him), and then Rowena spread a rumor that Helga was born a biological man."
"So what's the point?" Ernie asked.
"The point is, Ernie," Hannah said. "That Ravenclaws are sluts. We do not associate with them."
Padma Patil walked past the group.
"SLUT!" Hannah screamed.
"MAN!" the Padma yelled back.
"How come I never noticed this before?" Ernie asked.
"It's not included in the book because the J. K. Rowling decided we weren't 'important' enough to have rivals," Zacharias sneered.
"Zacharias, all your mumbo jumbo about authors is just crazy," Hannah declared, before chasing after a Ravenclaw to fight about a disagreement that had occurred one thousand years ago.
POTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONS
"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," Professor Snape began. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses… I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death – if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."
Hannah raised her hand.
"What?" Snape growled.
"I have a question," Hannah said.
"Well I believe that the fact that you were waving your hand in the air has established that," Snape said harshly.
"Yes, well, Justin sometimes waves his hands in the air for no reason… he just thinks it's fun," Hannah explained. "And I just wanted to clarify that my hand-waving indeed has a purpose…"
"JUST STATE YOUR STUPID QUESTION BEFORE I UNLEASH A BASILISK ON YOU ALL!" Snape roared. "Hmmm… basilisk. That's a good idea. I should tell that to the master. He's always looking for creative new ways to kill people…"
"Okay, so well, I couldn't help noticing that you gave us the exact same speech that you gave the Gryffindors and Slytherins," Hannah said.
"Yes," Snape said impatiently.
"Well, I just don't think you should treat our class the same," Hannah said.
"And why not, Miss Abbot?" Snape demanded.
"Think about it Professor," Hannah said. "You treat the Gryffindors like crap and the Slytherins like… not crap."
"So?"
"You hate Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws equally," Hannah said. "So therefore, you should teach the class different. Unless…"
"Unless what?" snapped Snape.
"Unless you decide that Hufflepuffs are your new favorite!" Hannah declared.
"Hey no fair!" a Ravenclaw yelled. "We should be his favorite."
"Hmmm…" Professor Snape said. "You have a point. I should pick a favorite. But which house to choose?"
"We could have a contest to see which house is more worthy," Ernie considered.
"Fight each other to the death!" Snape yelped ecstatically.
"Ummm, that doesn't sound like fun," Hannah said.
"You may be right, I did get into some trouble for doing that last year," Snape said. "But, then again, I think Dumbledore was just mad that I didn't invite him and the rest of the staff."
"I KNOW! I KNOW!" Justin exclaimed. "We could have a game show!"
GAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOW
"Why did we let Justin be the host again?" Zacharias asked.
"It's only fair, Zacharias. He did think of it," Susan said.
"It seems that this is the only solution that won't get me fired," Snape grumbled resentfully. "However I wasn't aware that mudbloods had such entertaining methods of solving arguments. Maybe I should tell my master not to kill them…"
"AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER GRIPPING EPISODE OF 'SO YOU WANT TO BE SNAPE'S FAVORITE,'" Justin began. "I'm your host, Justin Flinch-Fletchely.
"On the Ravenclaw team we have Terry Boot, Padma Patil, Anthony Goldstein, and Lisa Turpin.
"On the Hufflepuff team we have Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Ernie Macmillan, Zacharias Smith, and of course me.
"In our first round, Professor Snape will ask Ravenclaw, Padma Patil, and Hufflepuff Hannah Abbot a question."
"Alright," Snape said. "What is my favorite hobby?"
"Figure skating?" Padma guessed.
"That's dumb, Patil," Hannah sneered. "Knitting."
"You're both wrong," Snape said.
"Of course they're wrong," Zacharias said. "Seriously, Hannah. Knitting? It's obviously potion brewing."
"You're wrong too!" Snape cried. "You know, I do have a life outside of this school."
"I knew it!" Justin said. "You lead a secret life as a vampire."
"No I AM NOT A VAMPIRE," Snape snapped. "I don't know who spread that rumor—children can be so cruel. Anyway, my hobby is singing… I aspire to one day get on to American Idol!"
"Omigod, you like that show, too," Justin cried.
"Why would you want to be on a muggle American show?" Ernie asked.
"It's not all muggles," Justin said. "Half the contestants are wizards. How else would they sing so bad."
"You just insulted the show!" Snape cried. "Hufflepuff loses five points."
"House points?" Zacharias asked.
"No game show points," Snape said.
"No!" Hannah shrieked. She turned to Padma, "This is your fault, SLUT!"
"How is this my fault, you MAN?" Padma asked. "It's your teammate who's an idiot."
"It's time for the second round of 'So You Want To Be Snape's Favorite,'" Justin piped in on cue. "Now it's Ravenclaw, Anthony Goldstein, facing off against Hufflepuff, Ernie Macmillan."
"Terrific!" Zacharias grumbled. "Like Ernie's gonna win us any points."
"Hey!"
"Well, face it Ernie," Susan said. "You're not good at anything."
"You people have known me for two days! How could you have possibly concluded that?" Ernie demanded.
"What's my favorite color?" Snape asked.
"Black!" the Anthony and Ernie said in unison.
"Why does everyone always assume that it's black?" Snape asked. "For your information, I like purple."
"Purple?" asked Susan.
"Yes, I think purple expresses my individuality," Snape said. "No game show points to anyone!"
"Nice going Ernie," the four Hufflepuffs glared at Ernie.
"Hey! No one yelled at Justin when he lost us points," Ernie said.
"Come on Ernie," Hannah said.
"You know that Justin is…" Susan mentally searched for a word. "Challenged."
"How can you expect him not to mess up," Zacharias said, being uncharacteristically sensitive to Justin's… challenges. "What's your excuse."
"My parents are emotionally and physically abusive," Ernie said. "That must have messed me up just a little. I mean, I have very little self-confidence, I don't feel worthy of love, I cry myself to sleep every night…"
"Ernie, that excuse is starting to get old," Hannah declared.
Ernie sulked.
"For our next round, we have Lisa Turpin from Ravenclaw against Susan Bones from Hufflepuff."
"Hello, I'm Susan," Susan said to Lisa. "It's nice to meet you, and I'd like to say beforehand that I hope we can be friends afterward, and I hope that the best girl wins…"
"MAN!" Lisa cried at Susan.
"You're goin' down bitch!" Susan screamed.
"CAT FIGHT!" the Sorting Hat popped out of nowhere.
"Sorting Hat," Snape reprimanded. "Do we really need another sexual assault lawsuit."
The Sorting Hat looked down. "No…" he muttered softly.
"I didn't think so. Now go away, we're having a game show," Snape said.
The Sorting Hat hopped away, looking very sad and pathetic.
"Question Three: Who is my secret love interest?" Snape asked.
"Ummm…" Lisa Turpin struggled to find an answer. "You're in love with Professor McGonagall."
"You're in love with your mother," Susan said.
"Susan, you choose now of all times to start telling 'your mom' jokes!" Zacharias cried.
"How… how did you know?" Snape asked.
"I kind of guessed," Susan said. "When in doubt, look to Sigmund Freud."
"Five points to Hufflepuff team," Snape said begrudgingly. "Not to be confused with Hufflepuff house points."
"Next up, we have Ravenclaw, Terry Boot, against Hufflepuff, Zacharias Smith," Justin announced.
"Boot?" Zacharias laughed.
"Zacharias?" Terry retorted.
"You're goin' down you SLUT!" Zacharias yelled.
"No, you're goin' down you MAN!" Terry yelled back.
The stared at each other dumbfounded.
"The Ravenclaw/ Hufflpuff insults don't work on guys," Terry noted.
"Well, the whole thing was about a fight between two chicks," Zacharias said. "Women make such a big deal out of nothing."
"I know!" Terry laughed. "What's up with them? Always screaming at each other because one of them stole the other's lip gloss, or sobbing because their favorite soap opera character is in a coma. And they are so immature: the other day I called Padma a buttface and she got all annoyed at me!"
"This whole thing is because of girls and their drama!" Zacharias said. "You know what? We don't need them!"
"Yeah!" Terry added.
"I'm withdrawing from the competition!" Zacharias shouted at his teammates.
"Me too," Terry said to his teammates.
"Oh no you are NOT Zacharias Smith!" Hannah Abbot yelled.
"Neither are you Terry Boot!" Padma yelled at Terry.
"You can't control me!" Zacharias yelled. "I am not your little monkey puppet who will participate in outrageous game shows just so you can win your girly arguments."
Suddenly Hannah and Susan were standing over Zacharias.
"You will do as you are told," Hannah said in a low, serious growl.
"And you will do it without complaining, and without staging protests," Susan said in an equally scary tone.
For some reason this was extremely intimidating to Zacharias. He just nodded frantically and walked back into the game show.
Terry looked over to Padma and Lisa, and decided it would be better just to do as he was told.
"Question Four: What is my favorite animal?" Snape asked.
"A snake," Zacharias and Terry called in unison.
"Hasn't anyone taken a cue from my other answers?" Snape asked. "My answers are the opposite of what you'd expect them to be. I'm full of surprises! My favorite animal is a chipmunk. They're just SO cute and fluffy and…"
"CHIPMUNKS!" Hannah screamed. She whipped out her Windex. "Where? Where?!?!"
Before, anyone answered, Hannah began spraying Windex all over the room.
Now, when you are in a potions classroom, full of dangerous chemicals and ingredients, it is not a good idea to spray Windex.
Several potions exploded.
"The score is tied, Ravenclaw: zero, Hufflepuff: zero," Justin said. "We must now go into a bonus round! Me against… uh, Ravenclaw does't have anyone else."
"Yeah, how come there are only like, four of us?" Anthony Goldstein asked.
"J. K. Rowling thinks you are just as insignificant as we are," Zacharias said.
"Who?" asked Terry Boot.
"Zacharias sometimes rambles on about imaginary authors," Susan explained. "But he does have a point."
"Yeah, we're equally disregarded by everyone in this school," Ernie said.
"We need to put aside that argument between Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw, and see how much we have in common!" Susan said. "We are both victims here. We are both ignored because we aren't as brave and cool as the Gryffindors, or as evil and bad-ass as the Slytherins."
"You guys are right!" Terry Boot said.
"We should be friends!" Lisa said.
"Let's form an alliance," Anthony said. "Let's no longer be divided. Right here, right now, let us agree to never fight again."
Terry, Lisa, and Anthony shook the hands of Zacharias, Justin, Susan and Ernie. They were all very moved by this realization that they were not alone as outcasts. There were many tears and hugs. However, a certain Hufflepuff, and a certain Ravenclaw did not participate in the treaty.
"Hannah, Padma," Susan prodded. "Don't you two want to shake hands?"
Hannah and Padma walked up to each other. They each lifted up their hand reluctantly, about to shake when…
"SLUT!" Hannah screamed reflexively.
"MAN!" Padma screamed back.
"How dare you call our friend a slut!" Terry, Lisa, and Anthony screamed at Hannah.
"How dare you call our friend a man!" Susan, Ernie, Justin, and Zacharias screamed at Padma.
"Our alliance is officially broken," Terry said to the Hufflepuffs.
"Ditto!" yelled Zacharias.
Both the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws stormed out of the classroom.
"What about our game show?" Snape asked, suddenly enveloped in loneliness.
Someone hopped into the room.
"Want some company?" asked the Sorting Hat.
ALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCE
Thank you for reading the latest installment of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I was pretty satisfied with this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it. I personally think that it was an improvement from my last chapter.
Thank you NickyFox13 and Goblet-of-fire-gal for your reviews. I am hoping to get more reviews for this chapter. I am new at this genre and any suggestions you can offer me would be a big help. Feel free to give me your honest opinion (and don't be afraid to give me negative feedback. I learn the most from my mistakes.)
L.lulu