Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.

This chapter is dedicated to NickyFox13, who gave me an idea in this chapter, and the character of Nikki is based off of her.

I also do not own the song Tonight I Celebrate My Love which is briefly mentioned in this chapter.

Also, to any readers: this chapter does contain alcohol abuse, and references to drug abuse. If this sort of material offends you, you should probably stop reading. (By the way, I'm not trying to encourage any of my readers to do drugs; drugs are bad. HUGS NOT DRUGS!)

Chapter Nine: The Perfect Pick-Me-Up

"I hate my life," Ernie said.

The four people who sat with him at the Hufflepuff table—Zacharias, Susan, Hannah and Justin—ignored this statement. Over the past week, they had become quite well-accustomed to his self-pitying rants.

The previous week, Ernie had declared his love to a third-year Hufflepuff named Victoria. Victoria, had understandably, not returned his feelings (as Ernie was two years younger, and a bit of a stalker.)

For the first few days after the rejection occurred, Susan, Zacharias, Hannah, and Justin had been sensitive to Ernie's grief—or at the very least, made pathetic attempts at being sensitive. But after seven days of his crying, moping, and overall hatred towards life, the four's patience for Ernie was wearing thin. They had decided on taking a new approach to dealing with Ernie's depression: ignoring it in hopes that he would grow tired of hating life.

Much to their disappointment, this approach was not working.

"I wish I was dead," Ernie continued. "Life is so pointless. No one loves me. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON'T JUST JUMP IN THE LAKE!"

"Geez Ernie!" Zacharias cried. "This has been going on all week. Yes we know—Victoria dumped you—now get over it!

"I can't say I'm not surprised at your insensitivity, Zacharias," Ernie said coldly. "Not even my best friends care about me. I'm so alone in the world!"

"Zacharias is right, Ernie," Susan said. "You do need to come out of this state of depression. When life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade."

"How do I make lemonade out of this," Ernie said. "My one true-love rejected me, my self-esteem is pretty much gone, and I know I'll never be able to love anyone again because no girl in the world even compares to Victoria!"

Hannah growled indignantly.

"…At least you have your health…" Susan said.

"Just give it up, guys!" Ernie said. "Just leave me alone to die."

Ernie then stalked off to the Hufflepuff boys' dormitory in his most melodramatic fashion, most like to die.

"So…" Zacharias said. "What are we gonna do about him?"

"What do you mean?" Hannah asked. "Oh my god, Zacharias! You don't mean murder Ernie? I know he's annoying, and extremely stupid—why doesn't he see that I'm much awesome-er than Victoria?—but we can't kill him!"

"No, of course not," Zacharias said. "Well actually that isn't such a bad—no, no I'm not gonna kill Ernie. What I meant was, knowing you freaks, I'm guessing you have some plan to 'cheer Ernie up.'"

"What exactly are we supposed to do?" Susan said. "Ernie seems to be in a fairly severe state of depression—or possibly pre-teenage angst. Getting him to cheer up would be an awfully big challenge."

"Are you kidding me?" Zacharias said. "The options are endless. You're forgetting: we have no rules."

"Huh?" Justin asked. "I thought at the beginning of the year, Dumbledore said there were a bunch of rules, like no going in the forbidden forest, no going to the third floor corridor, no teasing Filch and making him cry—because he's really a very sensitive soul…"

"Well of course there are rules," Zacharias said. "But they don't really apply to us. See, it's basically up to a house's prefects to enforce the rules, and we don't have any prefect…"

"SOMEONE CALL ME?"

A Hufflepuff fifth year popped up behind Zacharias.

"AHHH!!!" Zacharias screamed, due to the fact that a Hufflepuff fifth year had popped up from behind him.

"Hi," the girl said.

"What the freakin' hell!"

"I'm Nikki," the girl said. "I'm the Hufflepuff fifth year prefect."

"Since when?" Hannah asked.

"Like, since the beginning of time…" Nikki answered. "Well, I guess that's an overstatement, but at least since the beginning of the year."

"But where were you that time during the Halloween feast?" Justin asked. "When Quirrel was like 'TROLL' and Dumbledore was all like 'first years follow the prefects' and we were all like, 'where the hell do we go'…?"

"Oh, yeah, that," Nikki said. "I was off reading a book."

"Did it ever occur to you that our lives might have been in danger?" Zacharias asked.

"Well it did," Nikki admitted. "But it was a really good book, and there was this cliff-hanger, and I really wanted to finish it…"

"Dumbledore obviously picks his prefects based on their sense of responsibility…" Zacharias said.

"He does," Nikki said, quite honestly. "I'm the most responsible student in my year."

"Isn't their supposed to be a male prefect?" Susan asked.

"Oh, you mean Henry," Nikki said. "He's off snorting crack, I think…"

"But Nikki," Zacharias said. "Drugs such as crack are a serious problem. Crack is a poison that destroys its victims both physically and emotionally. Your friend, Henry, needs your help and support in order for him to stop his self-destructive behavior!"

"Wow," Nikki said. "You're right. I'm gonna go find Henry and stage an intervention."

Nikki walked off to the Hufflepuff Common Room.

"Zacharias," Susan said. "That speech was truly inspirational. I never knew you were so passionate. Do you really feel that way?"

"No—don't you know me at all, Susan?" Zacharias stared at Susan, literally astounded at the question. "I was just trying to get that prefect distracted. I have the perfect plan to cheer Ernie up. And the best part is—I will enjoy it as well."

DORMITORIESDORMITORESDORMITORIESDORMITORIESDORMITORIES

"RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPY-HEAD!" Justin shouted, as he, Zacharias, Susan and Hannah pulled the blankets off of Ernie's head.

Ernie had been laying under his covers, alone in the dormitory with the blinds in the windows pulled shut, trying his hardest to die.

"What are you guys doing here?" Ernie asked. "Susan, Hannah, this is the boy's dormitory, you're not allowed to be here. Actually, how did you get in here? When I tried to get into the girls' dormitories, the staircase wouldn't let me."

"Why were you trying to get into the girls' dormitory?" Zacharias asked.

"Ummm…" Ernie said nervously. "Well I—Victoria I love you!"

"Yes, well…" Susan said. "Technically there is no rule against girls going into the boys' dormitories. When the Hogwarts founders built the castle, they assumed that the girls wouldn't try to take advantage of the boys."

"Have you come here to take advantage of me?" Ernie asked suspiciously, directing the question mainly at Hannah.

"No…" Hannah said, unconvincingly.

"Well than why are you here?" Ernie snapped.

"Ernie," Justin said. "We've been noticing that you've been kind of down recently, as a matter of fact, we're worried that you're becoming goth."

"…Like Harry Potter in the fifth book," Zacharias added. "So we decided to bring you a surprise."

"What?" Ernie asked.

"CLAM CHOWDER!" the four screamed. They all suddenly whipped out several bowls of New England style clam chowder.

"You brought me clam chowder," Ernie said. "Guys, why would I want clam chowder? I mean, I know the creamy goodness of the broth, and the chunky wholesomeness of the seafood makes my taste buds have orgasms, but it's not the greatest pick-me-up in the world…"

"Come on Ernie!" laughed Zacharias. "Do you think I would drag my ass all the way up to this dormitory just to eat clam chowder with you? I brought vodka, stupid!"

"Vodka?" asked Ernie.

"Yeah," Zacharias said. "I learned this trick a couple years ago. Vodka in clam chowder. It really takes the edge off of life with my parents."

"Yeah, because you have it so bad, Zacharias," Ernie grumbled. "Oh the horror—parents who love you! Do you know what I would give to be in your place? My parents are going to strangle me with my innards, and, and… AND VICTORIA REJECTED ME! …Give me the damn vodka!"

Ernie grabbed a bowl of clam chowder, and poured a large quantity of vodka into it.

"Come on guys, let's join him," Zacharias said to the other three, who looked reluctant to join in the alcohol consumption.

"My parents told me not to give in to peer-pressure," Hannah said.

"Hannah, come on," whined Zacharias. "If you drink the spiked clam chowder, you'll be socially accepted.

"Well when you put it that way…" Hannah said, taking a brief moment to mull over what Zacharias said. "Okay."

"My mom said I should do whatever it takes to make people like me," Justin said. "So… I'm in."

"My parents only said to never play poker with monkeys," Susan said. "Plus, they consume all sorts of medications. I'm sure they'd be okay with this."

The five Hufflepuff first-years then began to enjoy their clam chowder laced with vodka.

CLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDER

"Hey—hey Hannah," Ernie said. "Hannah, there's something I wanted to get off of my chest. There's, there's something that I want to, want to… want to tell you."

"YES," Hannah squealed, in a louder voice than usual. "Oh ERNIE, d'you want ta get married. Cuz that would be WONDERFUL."

"No, no," Ernie said. "It's that, it's that your pigtails look so freakin stupid! You look like a blonde version of the Wendy's girl."

"Ernie you asshole!" Hannah said in an angry voice. Five seconds later, she burst out laughing. "Oh – I get it – wait, no I don't. But you're SO right!"

"Zacharias?" Susan asked. "Why don't we get married. I loooovvvve weddings. They're just so pretty… flowers, and dresses, and birds."

"Married?" Zacharias asked, before falling off of a chair laughing. "You know what, Susan? Marriage sucks. It just sucks, is what it is. The people live in the house together, and they get so freakin' stupid! Marriage is such a freakin' waste of time, is what it is."

"Ohhh, Zacharias," Justin sighed. "Ya know what you're doing? You're, you're blowing Susan off is what you're doing—that's what you're doing. You're afraid—wait no—wait yes, yes, you're afraid of commitment—that's what you're afraid of."

"Justin," Ernie slurred. "You, you… Haha, I lost my place, oh yeah—you don't know what it is that you're talking about. You just, don't even understand—you've never been in love, not like I was… So—shut up."

"Hey!" Zacharias said. "Hey, hey, don't you, don't you say that… to him. Don't you say that to him. It's just, it's not cool to say that, Ernie. It's just not."

"Oh so how would you know, Zacharias," Ernie asked. "Ya know, you think you're all cool and all… putting up that sarcastic, insensitive exterior, but the truth is… the truth is… you just know that deep down inside of you, you're just like me—you don't have any talent or any special-ness about you. So you, you… you go around acting like a freakin' jerk cuz it makes you seem cool. But you're really not!"

"Ernie," Susan said. "Don't… don't say stuff like that, because it's mean, and stuff."

"Yeah Ernie!" Hannah added. "You, you know what? You're just all pissy cuz Victoria dumped you. Yeah, and now you're all takin' it out on Zacharias, cuz you're upset that you can't even get a girlfriend."

"I could so!" Ernie yelled. "I could so get a girlfriend. You, you… you know what? I'm gonna go find Victoria, and I'm gonna… I'm gonna… I'm gonna win her back! Yeah, I'll win her back."

Ernie staggered out of the dormitory.

The four remaining intoxicated eleven-year-olds watched as he tripped down the stairs.

"Ummm…" Susan said. "Should we, like, go stop him?"

"Nah…" Zacharias said. "No, not after all those, all those mean things he said to us—you know, I… I can't believe I even shared my booze with him… the bastard. That was some mean stuff."

"I say," Hannah said. "I suggest—I propose that we, we just let him make a fool out of himself. Stupid Ernie… thinks he's too good for me… doesn't even have any freakin' talent…"

"Guys," Justin slurred. "Guys, we… we gotta do something. I mean, we can't, like, just let him go down and do—do whatever it is he's planning to do. We… we should stop him… cuz that's what friends do!"

"He's, he's," Susan said. "He's probably right."

"I guess so," Zacharias said.

"Fine…" Hannah said.

"Zacharias," Justin said. "You… you gotta drive, cuz I don't think I'm good to drive. Here, take my keys."

VODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKA

It took the Zacharias, Justin, Susan, and Hannah awhile to locate Ernie. This was not due to him being in a difficult-to-find place. It was because the four had some issues getting down the stairway.

"Guys," Justin whispered conspiratorially. "The staircases are, like, changing again."

"Omigod, omigod," Hannah said. "The freakin' staircase is GONNA CHUCK ME INTO OBLIVION!"

"Shut up you idiots," Zacharias slurred. "It's not even moving. You stupid drunks just got all drunk and dizzy… from being drunk and stuff."

"Maybe," Susan said. "Maybe—maybe it's the clam chowder that's making us loopy. Maybe the clams—in the chowder—are messin' with our minds."

"Oh no," Justin said. "What if… what if… what if they're controlling our EVERY THOUGHT! Oh God! They're gonna take over. The world's gonna be run by freakin' clams!"

"Guys, stop being idiots!" Zacharias growled. "Clams are, they're like, stupid. They're, they're not, like, capable of takin' over."

"What if," Justin said. "What if it's not clams… what if it's something else like, like—like chipmunks!"

"What?" Zacharias asked. "Why would it be…?"

"OMIGOD CHIPMUNKS!"

So, as one might imagine, there was a fairly lengthy delay.

VODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKA

It was in the Hufflepuff Common Room that Ernie found Victoria. Like with their last meeting, she was reading a book… upside down.

"Victoria…" Ernie breathed.

Victoria looked up upon hearing her name.

"Oh—Edgar," she said, in a feigned cheerful voice, with a forced smile plastered on her face. "Well, hi. How've you been. Isn't this awkward…"

"Oh Victoria," Ernie said, his words extremely slurred. "Victoria you're… you're so freakin' hot!"

"Oh…" Victoria said. "Look, Edgar. We went over this last time. I'm really, really, really NOT interested."

"But Victoria," Ernie said. "I love you. Like… a lot."

"You're an eleven-year-old stalker…"

"Oh, and you're a dumb blonde!" he said. "Is this like a 'state-the-obvious' contest?"

"Hey!" Victoria said.

"Victoria… we," Ernie said. "We belong together… I just know it."

Ernie staggered over to Victoria, who backed away slightly.

"Come on, Victoria," Ernie said. "Tonight… I celebrate my love for you…"

"Are you singing?" Victoria asked.

"Does it make you like me?" Ernie asked.

"Not really…"

"But Victoria," Ernie said. "I've never—I've never felt this way towards anyone before… You're like, the sprinkles on my ice cream, the sauce on my spaghetti, the ointment on my…"

Ernie's monologue was interrupted, when he vomited on the Common Room rug.

"Ewww…" Victoria squealed. "You. Are. Disgusting!"

"Ohhh, Victoria," Ernie said. "Please—please don't leave me…"

"I'm getting a restraining order!" Victoria said. She then stormed out of the Common Room.

Ernie sat in a chair and began to cry (what a surprise.)

Four Hufflepuff first-years popped up from the staircase.

"Awww shit," Zacharias said, upon seeing Ernie. "We're too late."

"Ewww, puke," Hannah said.

"Shut up Hannah," Zacharias said. "This is your freakin' fault for making us late."

"Hey Ernie," Susan said gently. "How're you doin'?"

Ernie let out a dramatic sob in response.

"So…" Justin said. "How'd it…" he hiccupped, "how'd it go with Victoria?"

"You guys," Ernie said. "You were… you were right. I can't, like, get a girlfriend. I'm so freakin' miserable. Oh Zacharias, hold me!"

"No way man," Zacharias said. "I'm not that drunk."

"It's okay Ernie," Hannah said. She seemed to have finally forgiven Ernie for loving Victoria instead of her. "You don't need that slut," she added maliciously. Her expression then softened, "We still love you."

"Thanks…" Ernie said.

Suddenly, Nikki popped up from behind Zacharias.

"AHHH!" he screamed, as a random person had just popped up from behind him.

"Hey guys," Nikki said. "I just got back from Henry's intervention, and it went great. I'm going to make it my mission in life to rid the world of drugs and alcohol. So, whatcha doin'?"

"Ummm…." The five intoxicated eleven-year-old looked to each other anxiously, as they had just been discovered by an authority figure.

"Hey, what's that smell?" Nikki asked.

"Awww shit…" Zacharias groaned, certain that the fifth-year had detected the vodka.

"Is that clam chowder?" she asked.

"Yes," Justin, who was still clinging to a bowl of vodka-laced clam chowder answered.

"Oooh, gimme!" Nikki said. "I love clam chowder."

Justin handed the alcoholic soup to the prefect.

"Thanks guys," Nikki said, greedily gulping down the clam chowder. "Seeya!"

Nikki walked out of the Common Room.

"If we remember this day," Susan said. "It will be a day we always remember…"

"I think I'm gonna throw up again," Ernie said.

AUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTE

Hey, readers. Thank you for reading the latest chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I'm sorry it took longer than usual for an update, I've been kind of busy this week.

This chapter is dedicated to NickyFox13, the one who came up with the idea for clam chowder, and also who the character of Nikki is based on. Thanks NickyFox13, I changed the plot you gave me just a little, but I think it came out good. I hoped you liked your character.

I'd also like to add in a thank-you note to NickyFox13, Scision, emuroo, oh.so.sirius., Cadence Black, and Miss-EvilKanevil for their reviews.

To any readers, PLEASE REVIEW. You comments help me with each chapter, and it's helpful to know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right. Thanks again for reading.

L.lulu