Chapter 1

Luke

No one knows what it feels like, what I'm going through. Sure, the others hear my thoughts and know my pain, but its nothing compared to feeling it first hand. Their hearts haven't been ripped from their chest. They haven't searched the forests for ten months trying to find what my soul needs to survive.

I searched the trail over and again, after the bloodsuckers had taken her away. I covered the miles circling it, going forwards and backwards, but the scent is dropped somewhere deep in Canada with traces of blood still lingering. The females' scents had left, and Kate's scent is taken away by another vampire, her scent completely gone. Gerard and the others have ideas for what it could mean, but I shut my ears to them.

Everyday, I beat myself up about not going after Kate the moment she was taken. I could tear my heart out one hundred times and not feel the pain I did when Kate was taken away from me. I knew I could not have chased her, though. She would have been dead in seconds.

Because of what happened, I don't even find myself wanting to be around anybody. Not even my brothers. No one can console me, and they know not to even try.

Kate

This life was new to me. While I felt the burning sensation months ago, like every tissue in my body was singeing into smoldering ash, but slowly and tortuously, I had found that I was completely alone. I knew that something was happening to my body, and the vampires had done it. The snow had provided no balm to my burning body.

Once I had opened my eyes to a new crystal clarity, a new version of the world I had lived in before, I knew that I must have become one of them. My skin was cold and hard, my throat burned with a thirst that water could not quench. A new life was ahead of me, and I couldn't stand it.

I was the very thing Luke hated in this world. And I knew I couldn't find him, or he would look at me with disgust, and that would tear my heart out completely. I would have to leave him behind, even if it meant hurting myself to do so.

With my new self, I hated me. There were two reasons for that: one, Luke hated me for it, and two, I was a monster. I became something that fed on people. How could I do that? How could I be that way? But then I remembered what Luke had said about the alternative, it was like referring back to a time when I was always walking through mist. It was muddled, but I could still remember. He referred to vampires going "vegetarian," which meant feeding on animals. But even I couldn't do that. I hated to kill animals—period. Even a useless fish.

What would I do? Not feed? Even when I was standing there motionless I knew that wouldn't work. Despite the easiness of being able to concentrate on other things, the thirst was on the forefront of my thinking.

I needed blood.

It wasn't long until I caught my first animal, staying far up north, where I figured I would be near the north pole, where humans were scarce. It had been eight months since I'd been up there, and I had only slipped up once. It was difficult, and I hated myself even more for it, but I had to move on. Luke told me that vampires lived forever, and an eternity of self-loathing would ruin me. I had to be strong, even if Luke would never be with me.

Once I had caught the reflection of myself in a smooth mid afternoon lake, and I saw who I had become. My clothes were ratty and the same from when I had turned, but I had the face of a goddess, much like the other vampires who were out there. I was sad to see I wasn't myself anymore, although I could detect small features in my face that were similar to my old one—my round innocent eyes, my thin lips. Above it all, I was glad to see that my eyes were gold. Not red. And that gave me strength all by itself.

Luke

The boys were calling me again. They have been trying for weeks, not wanting to allow myself to go down this way, but I don't have the will to run with them. It would be like it was when she was here, and that would not be right. We used to run and hunt vampires just to keep La Push and Forks safe, and for me to keep her safe, but she was not here anymore, and there was no incentive. Why should I want to keep everybody else safe when she wasn't? There was no point.

Kate

The sun was setting, casting a pink and orange beam across the sky and coloring the snow in the wide tundra with a warm tint. I had encountered a sign somewhere, halfway buried in snow, which read Alaska. As I looked into the sunset, I could see every shade clearly, the clouds which blended in together were strikingly in focus, and it gave the sunset a bigger edge, shaving off some of its calm beauty.

It was hard adjusting to this life. The drastic difference of being a vampire compared to my old human self made life before seem weak and slow. I could smell tracks of animals through the snow, and see the contrast of their subtle footsteps against the clean and untouched snow. In the air, I smelt an eagle flying not far off, his scent becoming clearer with every gust of wind. The snow made no sound underneath my feet. My steps were light and calculated without even intending to. My breath could stay inside my lungs forever—there was no need to breath, but it was such a habit that I found myself doing so continuously.

Time had no meaning to me, although I found comfort in counting the months that go by. Even though I have no hold on reality any longer, it calms me to know that time will never change its ways. I can always rely on time to stay with me forever.

I hadn't counted the months in the beginning, and when I realized months had gone by, I thought about my father and Adam. They must think I was dead. If Luke hadn't figured what had truly happened to me yet, I was sure he thought I was dead as well. I had suddenly felt sorrow for them; the pain I had caused them, the worry and grief—I could have hated myself all over again, but I held myself together. I would never be able to see them again, and hopefully let the years slip by until I was sure they weren't alive anymore. Perhaps then I would feel better about this situation, but I doubted that.

And Luke. Who knew if Luke would die? He was strong and logical. And he had told me that unless werewolves found the will to stop, they could phase forever, and live forever. He may always be around, as long as I existed.

Even though my frozen heart burned with jealousy, I almost hoped he would find someone new, someone he could be with. That way he could find happiness again, and move on from me, and hopefully hate me a little less. If he did find someone, then I had to be sure to stay clear of them, because I wouldn't know if I could restrain myself from killing her.

As for the female vampires who had turned me, I had not seen them since my transformation. If we were ever to cross paths, I would surely not feel too warm towards them. They caused this mess, they tore my heart in two, and they tore my life apart. I blamed them for everything.