Raoul's father had been entertaining Nadir with stories of the great hunts that he'd been on. Nadir found great relief in this as he could speak freely of events that did not include Erik. Though he was being careful to mind his tongue, the brandy did have a rather numbing effect on his faculties.
Raoul had rather tired of the conversation and had half a mind to wander out of the room. He'd not interjected so much as a single thought in the past half-hour, and would have preferred listening to the staff talk about breakfast preparations than to listen any further to the recanting of bloody tales, sharp knives, and entrails.
His mind wandered off to that very afternoon. He and Meg had had a most splendid day together. No pretense, nothing at all serious, simple hours spent in the company of a friend. He could only hope that tomorrow would be half as pleasant. He tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair impatiently. The evening nightcap of cognac was at this rate hours off. His father scowled at him disapprovingly. Raoul stood, putting his glass down on the table.
"Pardon me if I might gentlemen, I'm going to inquire if the doctor has finished his visit with Meg." Nadir and his father had been laughing about some travail or another, pausing only briefly from their conversation to acknowledge Raoul's departure.
Madeline was just coming down the stairs when Raoul made it to foyer. "Vicomte, Madame settled." Raoul was poised to ask about the physician when he caught the movement around the banister at the top of the stairs.
"Ah Raoul, just the man I'd like to visit with, have you a moment?" Raoul nodded to Madeline that she was dismissed. She was grateful, it was half past and she'd not yet seen to her own dinner.
The doctor met Raoul at the bottom of the stairs. "Have you somewhere we could speak?" Raoul nodded and motioned towards his study across the hall from where they now stood. The doctor followed him in, pulling the pocket doors closed behind them.
Raoul flopped down in the chair next to the fireplace, sighing heavily. The Baron had always been someone he could trust, he needn't worry about being formal or proper in front of him. The doctor joined him. Raoul glanced at him, and then back into the fire.
"I'm glad you'd finished just now. I was going literally quite mad listening to my father's retelling of his favorite hunting expeditions, though I say it was rather entertaining our guest Nadir!"
"I see," said the doctor, looking at Raoul, paying closer attention to his posture, tension in his face, and his fidgeting, than his words.
"Now, what is it that you wish to discuss with me? Is Meg alright?" Raoul's face lighting up slightly at the mention of her name.
"Yes, she is doing well. The swelling on her cheek is starting to subside, and her wounds, well, let us just say that the physician who treated her initially, was very skilled indeed! Did you ever catch his name?" Raoul shook his head.
"No, I simply thanked him. I wasn't really thinking much of it at the time." Raoul looked down, reliving flashes of that night in his mind, a pained frown taking over his face.
The doctor glanced up at the furrow in his brow, Meg in all of her own suffering, had been very observant, Raoul was in pain, though it was his mind that tortured him, not his body. "Ah, I see." The doctor watched as Raoul became lost in his own thoughts, wringing and rubbing his hands, as if he could slip off some imaginary gloves that he was wearing.
"Are you sleeping Raoul?" Without looking up Raoul replied, "no sir, just staring into the fire, it rather relaxes me….at least it used to." The doctor shook his head. "No, I meant sleeping at night, are you resting?"
Raoul looked up at him, tears rimming his red eyes. "Sleep has been a rather elusive companion, rest has become rather a stranger to me." He paused, swallowing his emotion. "It's been a rather trying time." The doctor nodded. "What is it that troubles you most?"
Raoul gazed deep into the fire. "It is difficult to describe." Raoul said sadly. "Do try, I shall be here for you my friend." Raoul glanced up a fleeting grateful smile crossing his troubled face. "I wonder…. I'm always wondering, second guessing myself. It's been three months since the fire. We've searched everywhere for Christine, every nook and cranny has been turned over, three or four times. No doubt he's either whisked her out of the country, or he has her buried somewhere far beneath the earth where we shall never find her. To all the rest of the world Christine Daae is dead. Yet she lives on in my dreams." The tears that had formed on Raoul's lower lid spilled over and ran down his chin. "How long….how long does it take to heal a broken heart?"
The doctor reached out and touched Raoul on the shoulder. He'd asked him that same question when he was just a boy, weeks after his mother had died. His words to him now as a full-grown man would be no different than they were then. "No one really knows. It happens little by little, until one day, you wake up, and can dare to love again."
Raoul rubbed at his eyes. "I loved her, really loved her, and yet for all I have I could not save her from that monster." Raoul let out a single sob, before he drew in a deep breath trying in vain to stifle his emotions. "Now, I have to face the fact that I'll never find her, never hold her in my arms, never love her. Yet of all of this, what hurts the most now is not knowing what became of her. Is he caring for her? Is she being held like an animal somewhere serving him? Has he tired of her and simply found a way to purge his fixation? My mind tortures me to think of what she might have had to endure. She'd not wanted to do it you know, that final production. She knew that if he took her, that we'd be parted forever…and I assured her I was there to protect her. I could not even keep that promise!" Raoul grew quiet.
The doctor looked on Raoul with such intense empathy. He'd suffered so long in silence, and no one had taken the time to listen to him. "Do go on." Raoul flashed him a brief smile. "Is that not pitiful enough? Do you not find my weakness of mind as reprehensible as my father?"
The doctor shook his head. "I shan't find it reprehensible in the slightest. For one who deals with his emotions, his thoughts, in the end can find peace. Those who refuse to face them will never be free. Oh, they may appear to be too hard or callous to ever be duly affected by the woes of life. But in truth, they suffer far more than those who have the courage to shed tears." The doctor reached down into his bag, pulling a syringe from it. "Raoul, you'll be no good to Meg if you are too exhausted to be of any company. If you'll permit it, I'd like to give you something to help you sleep tonight."
Raoul looked at him with such desperation in his eyes. He simply rolled up his sleeve and extended his arm. "I'd like nothing more than to sleep an entire night without dreaming, or waking from the recurring nightmares." The doctor quickly administered the drug, and Raoul rolled down his sleeve.
"In a half-hour's time, you should be ready to retire. Consume no more brandy tonight, is that understood?" Raoul nodded to him. "Is this what you gave Meg last night?" Raoul inquired. "Yes, similar, just a bit stronger dose," the doctor said. Raoul sighed. "She said she slept well."
The doctor looked at Raoul, a faint glimmer of happiness glowed in his eyes. "And what of Meg Raoul? She is an extraordinary young woman. Even in her own pain and struggle, she worries about you." Raoul closed his eyes tightly, sitting back in the chair. Exhaling heavily, focusing on the pain that tugged at his soul.
"Does one simply grow a new heart? If we love another, does that mean we never loved the first? What if Christine returns, what then of my feelings for Meg? How will Meg ever really know that I love her for HER, and not as a substitute for Christine?" He looked pleadingly at the doctor hoping for him to pull some miracle from his bag that would relieve him of his desperate quandary.
"A new heart does not grow, but an old heart does heal with time. You must decide for yourself what it is that you loved about each woman. Then decide if you are content to live alone with but a memory, or if you love the flesh and blood that is before you. Meg is here with you now, Christine might never be. You knew, and came to love Christine when you were but a child. You've come to know and appreciate Meg as an adult. Do you love her now?" Raoul simply nodded that he did. "Then if you've come to love her now that you are a full grown man, you love her as a woman. You loved Christine as a child, and though that memory is dear to you, you came to love her as a child."
It was all beginning to make sense to Raoul. "Is it possible that I loved little Lottie, and not Christine?" "That is something that you have to answer for yourself." The doctor said. "I once read a quote from the bible, though I cannot recite it verbatim, it was something natured in this way, 'when I was a child I loved as a child, when I was grown I knew what love was, and I could love as a man'. Perhaps that quote shall help you decide where your true feelings lay."
Raoul sat still rubbing his hands together. The doctor looked at him, he knew what troubled Raoul now was only in part what he had to do. What had already been done haunted him.
"The blood of that man is no longer on your hands Raoul." The doctor said firmly. "I never liked killing, that is why I tired of the stories that my father spoke of tonight with such jovial exuberance." Raoul gritted his teeth. "Yet, how am I any different than my father now? I'd not killed that man to provide for my family, how is that taking of life any different than when my father hunts for the pelt or the trophy head?" Raoul's face was twisted, the inner turmoil spilling out onto his face.
"Raoul, surely your remorse clouds your ability to reason! You should know that I share in your value of life. Indeed my life's work is done for that very purpose. I can only tell you that you saved a life by taking a life. It is a balance that is held in your mind. If you'd sat back and done nothing, that man might well have taken Meg's life, and your own. Would you feel less guilty if you'd stood by and done nothing?"
Raoul could not even allow himself to think of the alternative. "There was little choice my friend, you did what any one else would have done. No doubt you've asked forgiveness for this. Now it is time to believe that you've been forgiven, and then forgive yourself. The latter may be the most difficult part." Raoul's head hung low.
"Your mother was a strong woman Raoul. She believed to her dying breath that your tender heart would do you well; it would keep you from growing cold as your father had. You still have a chance to live. For though your father may seem to have a life others envy, he's already dead in his heart for it's grown cold, and what is life without a heart?"
Raoul began to cry. Then he sobbed, moaning bitterly. No one had ever spoken to him of such deep thought before. He suddenly felt sorry for his father. No wonder the man was so hard and unrelenting, it was all he really had, and that wall around him protected only a shell where the man had once been.
Raoul knew what he needed to do now, and what he must stop doing. He resolved to start living like he was living, not living like he'd died already. He needed to be happy. Meg needed to be happy. Christine would have wanted them to both be happy.
He stood shaking the doctor's hand. Though he'd never had a son of his own, the doctor imagined he'd have come to love him much like he now did Raoul. Tonight a simple handshake would not do. He pulled Raoul's shoulders towards him, giving him a sharp grasp and several swift pats on the back.
"Things shall come to pass as they should Raoul. Just follow your heart." Raoul nodded. "Until tomorrow then, I bid you adieu." Raoul walked with him to the door. "Thank you," he reached out and grasped the Baron's shoulder, "for everything." "It was my pleasure." The doctor tipped his hat towards Raoul, and departed to his carriage.
Raoul paused, looking at himself in the long mirror in the hallway. He pushed his hair back into place, and wiped below his eyes. He leaned back peeking into the sliver of the open door of the parlor. Nadir and his father were still laughing, still recounting stories. The smoke from the cigars was thick. Raoul had no desire to rejoin them.
He turned and looked up the stairs, then he glanced over at the portrait of Christine that he'd commissioned just weeks before she disappeared. It had been completed and hung just a month ago. One woman held his past, one woman held his present. Now he had to decide which one of them he would hold for the future. Was he going to live like he was alive or as if he'd died already? He stood glancing back and forth from the stairs to the portrait. His heart felt as if it would crush under the weight of the decision he had to make.
With purpose in his stride, he walked over and took into his hand a cloth doily that lay on the marble table in the foyer. He smiled gazing at the portrait of Christine for what seemed like a fortnight, running his hand across her face. Oh how he had loved little Lottie. Reaching out he put his lips to the picture and then looked down at the cloth. He lifted it above the picture frame and hung it gently over the face. Tomorrow he'd have it moved to the room with the picture of his mother and grandparents.
He stood for a moment at the bottom of the staircase that led to the rooms above. Taking in a deep breath, he moved up the stairs swiftly. He'd made his decision. He'd past the point of no return.
XXXXX
Madeline was just coming out of Meg's room when he reached the top. She nodded at him as they passed in the hall. Raoul knocked on the door. Meg called out, "enter," thinking it was her mother. Raoul peered in the door. Meg was sitting at the vanity, brushing her freshly washed hair.
She turned abruptly as she heard Raoul's voice say "Good evening Meg, we missed your fine company at dinner tonight. May I come in and talk with you?" Meg blushed. She was fully covered in a nightgown and robe; he'd seen her in much less.
"Yes, I was just expecting my mother, I am sorry I look a bit unprepared to receive a visitor." "You are beautiful to me." Raoul said coming up behind her, placing his hand on her shoulder before he sat down on a chair just to the side of her. Meg closed her eyes, as she continued brushing her hair. She couldn't look at Raoul.
"Meg, tonight Nadir and my father I dare say, hit it off. Even now they are in the parlor, drinking brandy and laughing."
Meg said, "and you Raoul, why are you not joining in their revelry?" Before he could think with his mind, his heart responded, "because I would rather be here with you."
Meg could contain herself no longer. Her shoulders began to shudder as she let out a small whimper. If only he knew the truth, he'd hate her, not love her. How could she keep this all from him?
Raoul had risen and was now at Meg's side. "Our growing feelings frighten both of us Meg. Do not worry, I'll not force the hands of time. There's but one thing that I must know from you now." He took in a deep breath. "Can you truly love me, one day truly allow yourself to love me?" He looked at Meg for some sort of response. "Meg I'm not harboring feelings for ghosts of the past. While we can never forget, we can move on, and I want you to know, that I am willing."
Meg put down the brush, tears running down her neck. She looked up at him. "Yes Raoul, yes, I am willing." Raoul scooped her up into his arms carrying her over to the couch in front of the fire. He held her closely in his arms, wrapping a blanket over her. "Tonight my dear, I shall hold you until you go to sleep. Tomorrow we will talk more, but for tonight know this, that I love you Meg."
She smiled, wiping the tears from her cheek, as she rested her head against his chest, closing her eyes. Tonight he held her as a woman, held her, and no one else in his arms and in his mind. Raoul put his head down over Meg's listening to her breathe. He placed a tender kiss on the top of her head, resting his chin against her temple.
Madame Giry had completely settled into the comfortable surroundings of the guest room that Raoul had arranged for her. She found it all to be quite lovely; thoughtful touches were everywhere. She'd washed her face, and made herself ready for bed. Collecting a pillow, and a heavy blanket from the bed, she tucked them under her arms. Tonight she would stay with Meg.
She made her way down to Meg's room, not knocking first. She would dispose of the tea that would now be cold, and then they'd sit together until Meg was tired enough to rest. Madame Giry knew there was a couch in her room, so she'd have ample space to retire herself when Meg was ready.
As she opened the door, a most precious sight came into view. There sat Meg, in Raoul's arms, both sound asleep. Madame Giry smiled, quietly pulling the door closed, padding back to her own room. Meg had all the comfort and protection that she needed.
Author's Notes:
Thank you to everyone for responding to the last chapters. They've been much fun to write! I hope everyone is having a great summer, and staying cool!
Stellalorilai: Yes, the woman in the street. She's raised quite a lot of interest among our family! She could be important, but I'm not telling just yet.
Yes, the moments between Christine and Erik in the street when the realization came over him that she was actually looking at him and found his flesh handsome….I can only imagine what someone who'd been so horribly disfigured would feel when someone found them attractive….. yes, he loves her dearly, and her pride in him, made him love her all the more! In my mind, it is a "great love", one that all other relationships could be measured against…..ahhh….now I've gone and gotten all nostalgic.
Ps. I hope to get to me e-mail later!
PhantomFan13: Thank you. I thought some sweet things needed to happen to this blushing couple. I can only imagine what this would all be like for them. Being able to go out in public without the fear of rejection….of being discovered…that would be quite liberating for someone who's live in the shadows for all those years. I hope you enjoy the next chapters. Oh, the picture question…you're right, we will just have to see!
Poetzproblem: Now I've got your mind working! You never know, sometimes things are planted for a reason, sometimes they are just trivial happenstance, but the pills…they would make for something rather nefarious wouldn't they? Thank you for the review. I really liked the girls in the shop…can you just imagine how Christine felt at that moment, or when she told Erik! Oh, I wish I could have been there! LOL
Diveprincess: I loved the flirting myself. I think they are just the most precious couple out there! Who cares if they are fictional, they are entirely more interesting and in love than most Hollywood couples! Now I'm ranting…it's all that sticky-sweet story line…it has me a bit giddy.
You are entirely welcome. I hope that in some small way I can help you, just as one day you can help another. I sound like a movie addict, and perhaps I do go a bit overboard, but if you've not seen the movie "Pay It Forward" you might want to rent it. It is a bit sad in parts, but in the end, you'll find it makes perfect sense to the way we should all treat one another. Take care of yourself!
Phantomluvr: Yes, her books are an acquired taste. You can liken it to bragging rights for non-athletes. If you can claim to have gotten all the way through 'Pride and Prejudice' without abandoning it, you get your name on a plaque in the hall of fame! I am slightly leery to admit, I do like them. (cowers in corner)
Yes, the girls in the town are the first to notice the skin-deep handsomeness that Erik is starting to acquire. For Christine, he's been handsome all of the years she's known him, because she was first attracted to his voice…his heart….the rest was just a bonus. He knows that about her, and that makes him love her all the more! Hmmmm….though I'm trying not too use too much "old English" lest I lose the readers in the language, I somehow don't think that "hottie" would fit in. I felt a bit liberal including the adjective "dish", but I thought everyone might forgive me. I'm not sure what the slang term for "extremely attractive possible suitor" would have been among a gathering of young hopefuls, so I improvised. Hope you enjoy the next chapters!