Mike froze. His brain made a desperate but futile attempt to make sense of what was happening but the only thing that his mind seemed willing to take in was the feeling of Harvey's lips on his. For one short moment he gave in to the kiss with all the passion he had so desperately tried to bury.
But somehow his brain managed to make another very powerful connection. Fear.
Mike reacted immediately. He pushed Harvey away from him and stumbled backwards to the living room. While he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand to get rid of the taste of Harvey's lips, he looked at Harvey with a mixture of shock and bewilderment.
"What are you doing?" His voice was trembling and he felt like the ground was moving beneath his feet. "Have you gone insane? What is this?" With every word he said, the rage inside him grew. "Is this some kind of joke to you?" The anger had settled in his voice now. "Is there absolutely no limit to your…" Then he saw the panda.
He fell silent. He stared at the picture for at least a minute. All shiny and new. No trace left of the devastation it had gone through. Harvey had found it, made it perfect again, and had hung it on his wall.
He reached for it and took it off the wall. As he gently caressed it with his fingers he finally continued. His voice was soft now.
"It must be a wonderful feeling, Harvey. That you have the answer to every problem. A plan for every contingency. If something is broke, you just get someone to fix it. Whether it's the guy who restored this picture or it's Donna or Louis who helped me out. And once it's fixed you can come in and everything is okay again. Is that why you kissed me? Give him back his panda and he's home again? Give him the kiss he so desperately wanted and we can move on?"
Mike tried to hang on to his anger but he couldn't. He could hear the words coming out of his own mouth but he knew they were a desperate attempt to avoid facing reality.
The panda he was holding in his hands was telling him what he did not want to accept. Harvey was kind. And warm and giving. But if that were true, Mike was lost.
He felt the tears well up in his eyes. And he didn't feel the need to hide them. There was no shame in his defeat. He couldn't win this battle. Mike would always love Harvey.
He looked up at him. His eyes asked for forgiveness for his harsh words. "I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. And I didn't mean it. I love you for fixing this. I just... I love you…" He fell into the chair and buried his face in his hands.
…
Harvey felt like all the happiness he'd ever felt in his life had drained out of him when Mike pushed him away. But nothing compared to the feeling of when Mike yelled at him. He thought that when Mike had seen the panda, he'd been about to...well, Harvey didn't know exactly, but he was sure it must have been more pleasant than Mike's next words.
Harvey had simply stood there and let Mike's anger wash over him, surprised that he was upset at the implication that his kissing Mike had meant nothing. Was this how Mike had felt when Harvey hadn't kissed back in the office that night? Or maybe this was how Mike had felt when Harvey had threatened to fire him for his actions.
And then Mike had apologized, looking lost and miserable and begging for forgiveness as he'd told Harvey he loved him.
Harvey froze. This wasn't exactly new territory for him. He'd had a lot of women over the years tell him they loved him, but this time, he wasn't certain of his own feelings. Before, he always knew that he didn't return their love, but with Mike? He was lost. He didn't know what he'd felt back there in the kitchen when he had kissed the man. Was it love? Or was it just lust?
Mike was sitting on the folding chair by the cheap folding table where their breakfast plates were supposed to be. He had his face buried in his hands, the panda clutched to his chest beneath them like it was all he had left. And in a way, it was.
Harvey wanted to say something. He wanted desperately to make this whole thing better. But for once in his life the words wouldn't come.
Mike removed his face from the shelter of his hands as the silence stretched on, and stared at Harvey longingly.
"Mike..." Harvey started, hoping the blond would jump in. When Mike simply stared back, Harvey realized he was going to have to continue to find the words on his own.
"Look, I...I'm not sure why I did that. I just, I saw you in there and I wanted...I was going to show that damned panda picture as an apology, but then you were cooking the stupid bacon and it made me realize I wanted this."
Mike looked questioningly at Harvey, and was squeezing the panda even closer to him than before. If Harvey hadn't been so out of his form he'd be worried that Mike was going to break the new frame on the thing.
Harvey let out a deep breath. "I can't say I love you, Mike. Because I don't know if I do. If I say I don't, then some part of me gets mad that I don't, but if I say I do, I'd be lying."
Mike looked at Harvey with so much raw emotion on his face that Harvey simply wanted to kiss him again.
Harvey frowned. "This is why I'm against having emotions. Everything was fine before all of this happened."
"Sure Harvey, blame me. My fault. God, for someone who always knows the right answer you can say really stupid things. Do you honestly think it's going to make me feel better when you say that you'd be lying if you said you loved me? The worst thing is, you can't seem to shut up about it. I get your point. Really. I do. Please stop prolonging this and just leave, okay?"
Harvey let Mike's words wash over him. He'd hurt him again, but this time he was being honest. It made him angry. Mike wanted the truth, right? But now he was too scared to accept it. "No."
Mike looked at him in surprise, but Harvey didn't give him the chance to speak.
"I'm being honest, here. I don't know how I feel about you. I don't know why I kissed you. Just because you get the answer you don't want, doesn't mean you can be a martyr about it." He was yelling by the time he'd finished. He waited for Mike to respond, wishing this all had never happened. He didn't like fighting with Mike, and he missed their playful banter and embarrassing fist bumps.
Mike got up from his chair. "Bullshit. I don't mind the truth. Well, I do mind, but I already knew. Don't tell me I can't take it. If I couldn't take it I would have left months ago. I just don't need you to rub it in. And I certainly don't need you to stand there being all so very honest about it. What do you want? A fucking medal? If you want to be so Goddamn honest, you shouldn't have kissed me."
Harvey blinked at Mike, processing his words. He could see how this scene would go if it were their old selves. Mike would have made a reference to A Few Good Men by now and they'd have laughed it off and had a few beers, maybe worked on some cases. But instead, they were fighting again. He didn't want this. He didn't want to be alone again. Not after he'd gotten a taste of the happiness he'd found with Mike.
He stepped closer to Mike, towering over him with his sheer force of will. Mike's angry blue eyes practically dared him to come closer. And Harvey really needed to reign in his emotions, before he did start being more honest and kissed the damn brat. "I want you. That's the honest truth. How I want you, I don't know. But I'm not leaving here until I know you're coming back to work tomorrow."
Mike looked at him and slowly shook his head. "Do you have any idea what you are saying? You want me but you don't know how yet? Really? And you won't leave before I will tell you that I will be at work tomorrow? To do what exactly? Listen to detailed instructions on how you want me? Or, in case you haven't figured that out by then, I just sit there, shut up, and wait until you do?" He tilted his head. Not impressed at all by Harvey towering over him. "Tell me Harvey, who died and made you God? You don't own me."
"Would you shut up for one second?" Harvey said back, voice soft once more. He was getting tired of Mike's convoluted arguments and run-around demands. "First you want me to be honest, next you tell me not to be unless it's the answer you want to hear. And when it's not you tell me to leave. Now you're telling me what? That you don't want to work at the firm anymore?" He didn't give Mike the chance to respond before he continued. He wouldn't let Mike trap him anymore. "Well that's a load of crap. You made it very clear what you wanted from the beginning. I'm sorry that I don't know what I want from you, Mike. I am. God, you still haven't changed since that first day on the job. Whenever things get tough you cut and run. I may have screwed up, but at least I'm here trying to fix my mess."
Mike took a deep breath. "Harvey, I never said, not once, that I wanted to run away. I never asked you to be honest. There was no need. I accepted the fact that you don't love me. And, yes, I had to deal with that. I am sorry that I overreacted at times. That's when you get when you are really in love. It hurts. I don't want to be a martyr because I'm not. I don't want you to say things that aren't true and I don't want you to lie to me. But what I do want you to do is respect the fact that it hurts beyond belief, that it tears your heart out when someone doesn't love you the way you love him. And you can't just go around kissing someone because you maybe want them. I am asking you to not say a word until you figured out what it is. And for now, I'll just presume that you don't love me. If, for some miraculous reason that will ever change, believe me I want to be the first to know. But please don't expect me to be able to handle your wavering thoughts, feelings and behaviour. I just can't deal with it. Sorry."
Harvey was silent for a moment and Mike looked as Harvey was starting to feel. He spoke softly. "Mike. I may not have experience in this field, but just because you don't know if you love someone, does that mean you can't find out? I may not feel the exact same way about you as you do about me, but you can't hold that against me. I didn't kiss you out of some misplaced attempt at restoring the balance. I kissed you because I wanted to. Why I wanted to, I don't know. But I wanted to. And I want to do it again. I've wanted to this entire conversation even while you're being a pain in the ass and yelling at me."
Harvey swallowed a deep breath of air before squaring himself for the worst. "Now, if you want me to leave, I will. And if you never want to speak to me about any of this again, that's up to you and I'll respect your decision. But if I don't see you in the office, I'm going to have Donna find you and drag you back kicking and screaming. I may not or I might care for you beyond friendship, but I refuse to watch you throw away your life just because you hate me."