Chapter 2: the questions we're all asking
Tsukushi waited, just like so many times before in the emergency stair case, chocked full of all those memories of Hanazawa Rui. It had been a full week before she could master the courage and the strength to climb those familiar steps again. Her heart had ached to come, even if just to take a peek at Hanazawa's silhouette propped up against the railing gracefully in his slumber. But each time she took a step, the purple umbrella flashed in her mind again. The scene was scorched into the back of her retina, like a cursed mark that wouldn't rub off.
There was another curse that started to follow her around starting from that rainy day where she spent the 'bonding night out' (as her mother had crooned so happily in her ears, a ninety degree change from moments before when she had yelled at Tsukushi for not calling, probably due to the fact that Tsukushi had made up the lie of sleeping over at a particularly wealthy classmate of her's house), the curse that took the shape of a certain curly locked devil, who had taken to demanding the apology he deserved from her 'contaminating' his parking space that night by sitting on it. She never knew what the boy's identity was as he didn't seem to be a student in their school. He certainly looked to be of high-school age but curiously never wore uniform and had all the time in the world to hang around her school like a nightmare. Tsukushi had spent all week dodging into corners every time she spotted the tall arrogant boy stamping around the halls, she had gotten into this habit so much that she would duck at the sight of another tall hazel-nut haired boy as well. But of course that was just a waste of energy. Hanazawa Rui doesn't usually notice her until she waved her hands his face in front of his face frantically for a good few seconds.
Tsukushi was still lost in her thoughts when a bag was dropped lightly on her head causing her to jump at the sudden pressure. Looking up, there was Hanazawa with a light smirk on his face.
"Thank you."
It took a moment before she could react and take the bag into her hands to examine. Inside was the purple umbrella that she had lent to Hanazawa the week before - dried and folded back carefully in a way that made it look like new. This was what she loved him for; Hanazawa was considerate and careful about everything, even though he seemed to be so cold and uncaring.
"Can't get enough of me after avoiding me for the whole week?"
Tsukushi realized then that she was staring so hard at Hanazawa that most people would consider it rude. She ducked her head down blushing furiously, "Non-nonsense, why would I be a-a-avoiding you? What am I? Scared of you?"
"One would wonder." Hanazawa started up the steps, his eyes glazing over already in what Tsukushi recognized as the 'I-need-sleep-now' signal. He paused as he reached the landing and looked back expectantly, "Am I actually going to get some peace and quiet today too? I have to admit it has been a nice week." He yawned and continued up the steps leaving Tsukushi looking up in wonder. Although it didn't sound like anything major, it was an invitation. Picked up only because of the year around Rui she had been fine-tuned into his ways. She remembered the first time Rui had indicated he liked, rather than tolerated, her company was after a month of her starting to come here regularly. She had been scrutinizing the failed attempt of a chocolate cake in her hand from home economics class that day at the bottom of the stairs, contemplating whether it was edible or not to bring up to share with Hanazawa. On the verge of chucking the project into the bin, Hanazawa had strolled past and muttered "hungry" almost as if to himself. Tsukushi had been so used to Hanazawa not noticing her at all in these days that it took an enormous amount of clockworks chugging around in her brain to realize that he was asking her bring the cake up. But even then she hadn't been sure, since he only took a few measly bites as Tsukushi found herself stammering out the entire recipe of her creation in her attempt to convince Hanazawa that the brown heap in front of him was, in fact, a cake.
She stepped up after him now, encouraged by Hanazawa's apparent good mood. Although after a month of stammering on her part and silence on his part, Hanazawa had started to produce a few coherent words and then sentences on his part, she still valued and marveled every word uttered evenly out of his pale lips.
She sat down in her usual place, a good meter away from the corner that Hanazawa liked to occupy. Hanazawa's uniform seemed to be more wrinkled than usual. Although Aisuku High was a high school that didn't put too much emphasis on getting your uniform ironed out everyday as long as you wear it, she felt Hanazawa was pushing the limits just a bit too far, especially today. She gazed at his messily cropped hair that sat in disarray on his head; the sight of the same hair peaking out from underneath her umbrella came back to her suddenly. The familiar pain streaked through her heart and she adverted her eyes immediately away from Hanazawa. All the sadness she had felt that week whelmed back to her after the initial surprise at Hanazawa's good mood wore off. She wanted in all her heart to pry open her jaws to ask and maybe even tease Hanazawa about the person he likes, like an ordinary friend would do. But she dreads what he would say. She knew that if Hanazawa nodded when she asked if it was him beneath the purple umbrella she saw, there would be no lies she could tell herself, there would be no more lies she could braid into a blanket to pull over herself against the cold. Just like the time when she finally mastered up the courage to ask about the person that told Hanazawa about the fireworks and he had muttered with heartbreaking tenderness the word 'Shizuka'. She had felt that Hanazawa had a love in his heart that he held above all, but it was that name that consolidated the image of the faceless girl in her mind's eye. She never asked of Shizuka again, but time to time Hanazawa would ask her questions that seem to pop out of thin air that gave her clues about Shizuka. She learnt in time that most of the strange obsessions that Hanazawa seem to take on were related to Shizuka in some way or another.
"I saw her." It was as if Hanazawa had read Tsukushi's thoughts.
Her muscles tensed and she forced herself to focus her eyes on a faraway patch of trees. Taking a deep breath, she turned around to face Hanazawa and gushed, "I'm sorry Hanazawa-san, I saw you both that day but I wasn't spying on you or anything! Ok, maybe I was, but not intentionally!" Tsukushi shook her head fiercely. "I mean, the important thing is - congratulations! I really am glad that Shizuka-san has come back and-"
"She went back." Hanazawa interrupted.
Tsukushi glanced up in surprise, "Sorry?"
"This is away for her. She went back." He explained patiently. Tsukushi detected the slight tremor in his baritone, the only thing that gave away his distress before Hanazawa slipped into the consolation of his usual silence. She couldn't help but remember all those evenings she had spent with him, praying with him for whatever he wished for, until her knees were so sore that she could barely get up. She knew that those times weren't even a fraction of the nights Hanazawa Rui had spent by himself, tormenting himself, as he missed Shizuka.
Suddenly she was ashamed of how jealous she had felt on that day. The whole week she had spent agonizing about just how pitiful she was, when there was Hanazawa Rui having to endure through all of this alone. The thought of just how hopeless he must have felt to have the love of his life come back and leave broke Tsukushi's heart. At least for her, Hanazawa was there on the stairs physically, even if not mentally, every day. But for Hanazawa, his love was far away somewhere else, in a place where he couldn't see her, couldn't talk to her face to face, couldn't share the things he felt sad or happy about with her…Tears welled in Tsukushi's eyes and rolled down uncontrollably. It was just so unfair. Why couldn't Shizuka stay by Hanazawa's side and give him the happiness he deserves so much?
"Makino." Hanazawa breathed in surprise at the sight of the sobbing petite girl, instinctively he reached out towards her before pausing uncertainly half-way in the space between them. Shifting his position he propped the arm on his leg, letting it dangle limply in the air. Hanazawa knew the girl before him needed comfort, but it was the kind of comfort he couldn't give. He simply doesn't have the capacity to give her anything. He knows he needs to stay away even as he's taking so much from her. Hanazawa felt like a leech suddenly, sucking all the life-force out of this beautiful creature before him. "Don't cry, Makino. I'm not worth it."
"But why? Hanazawa-san. Why?" She questioned repeatedly. It was left unsaid, but both knew what she was asking. Why are some people left there, excluded? Why is it that we try so hard every day, but all we're left with is the feeling of being so tired? Why does it have to be this way?
Taking in the sight of the couple deep in thought was the curly-haired boy perched on the highest balcony in Aisuku High. He gripped the railing so tightly that each knuckle was visible clearly through his skin. "Hanazawa…..Rui?"