It doesn't take long for us to finish our lattes and for Ray to consume his mysterious beverage.
"Let's go to the park!" Ray beams, placing his mug on the wooden table and standing up. He tosses a handful of coins on the table and yawns. Frank and I place our cups down and stand up in unison. We giggle and turn to each other; his eyes lingering on mine for a little longer than they should.
Fuck.
I think our eyes just made babies.
"My eyes feel pregnant!" I blurt out before I can stop myself.
Frank and Ray turn to me with incredulous looks as we stroll along the sidewalk.
"You know, I thought I'd gotten used to your… eccentricities… But it just gets better, doesn't it?" Frank states, smiling sweetly in my direction.
Self-consciously I blush, and shove my hands deep into my pockets.
My heart skips a beat.
I want to leap in front of him, pull him into a deep hug and confess my love to him. I want to look deep into his hazel-green eyes and say everything. Everything.
"So, Ray," asks Frank, facing Ray intently, "Where exactly are we going?"
Ray turns dramatically and stops before us, stretching his arms wide and grinning like the Cheshire cat on cocaine, and says flamboyantly: "The park!"
I almost expect him to grab a cane and a top hat off a stranger and start jazz dancing.
'Dance, Ray, dance!'
He's waiting patiently for an adequate reaction (probably like "woah, the park!?" or "strip me naked and call me Moses, we're going to the park!") and it's becoming increasingly obvious that he is not receiving my mental messages.
I stare at Frank: both burdening him with the responsibility of a satisfying reaction to the revelation of going to the PARK and admiring him as my heart stealer.
Yes, that's him. Frank: the heart stealer.
With his nervous stutter, his charisma, his womanly lips, his perfect face and every single one of his quirks and traits, he's stolen my heart.
But it's okay: I'd give my heart up – willingly- for him, any day.
"Oh, my! The park!" Frank exaggerates, slapping his hands to his cheeks in mock shock. "Shock! Horror!"
"Yeah," Ray says: nodding his head and raising his eyebrow happily, "Quick march!"
Ray grabs our wrists and literally starts to drag us in, I hope, the direction of the beloved park.
His grip is soft, but he's pulling with a surprising amount of force: this park better be something special.
I smile at Frank, "Well, isn't this form of transport novel?"
"Yes, Jeeves! We have no need for the horse and carriage!" he replies, raising his perfect brows (seriously, where does he get those things done?) and speaking in a mock British accent.
"How do you manage to do a proper posh British accent? I always end up sounding like a cowboy asshole…"
"Well," he flirts, "that is my favourite type of asshole…"
He winks. Oh gosh, he winks. My body has a strong reaction to this. I can feel it right now: shivers erupting in ripples down my spine causing my breath to quicken.
Frank notices, and once again his eyebrows are raising. I know I say this an awful lot, but God, those eyebrows.
Ray's pace is slowing: telling me that we're nearly there.
"What do you guys eat?" Ray asks, slightly patronisingly, as he turns to face us with an "How could you eat so much in your childhood, you piggies, obviously you knew I'd be pulling you down a lonely road on a warm summers day, ja?" kind of expression.
I feel guilty for being such a heavy weight on Ray, but I chuckle as Frank mutters some excuse about not being the heaviest because he doesn't eat meat and I brush off the comment as nothing.
"Oooh, we're nearly there!" Ray cheers as trees and grass come into view (which makes a difference to the drab, crime-ridden streets of this state).
I grin at Frank, and begin to feel the overwhelming urge to grab his hand and run into the park: the height of innocence in a state full of false maturity.
It's right there, next to my leg: his small, tough fingers curled inward slightly in a loose fist. The smooth, slightly tanned skin is radiating under the mid-day sun – enticing me to lay my bulky, coarse hands into his until I can't take it anymore.
"Gaahh," I cry, grabbing onto his wrist, "Let's skip!"
Frank turns his head unhurriedly towards me, giving me puzzled look.
Oh, God, I should let go, shouldn't I? But damn, his skin feels so good under my own. It's smooth, velvety, and the heat almost sizzles under my cool touch…
"Let's go! Ray, we're skipping! Yeah, man!" Frank yells merrily, and we do.
The light breeze brushes through my long hair, tickling my ears as we skip towards the small, rustic, wooden gate and feel the nostalgia that comes with going to pure, once enjoyable localities. Ray jogs behind us, and I can hear him breathing heavily as he approaches.
"You two are-" he pauses to catch his breath, "-perfectly insane."
The park is empty, but not free of hope.
It sounds crazy, but it's almost like you can (even though the park is empty) feel the spirits of those who've embraced the naïve joys of their childhood in this very park. It's like, as I stare at the swings, I can picture translucent illustrations of young girls and boys swinging their legs, aiming high as if life depended on it: unaware of the metaphor they'd one day create with their devotion to such a juvenile purpose.
We lie down on the grass and stare up at the sky. I take the middle position, with Ray to my right and Frank to my left, and gaze up at the pale blue sheath above us. There's not even a hint of rain today. I always get a feeling for when it's about to rain. It's never when the sky is concentrated grey, it's only when the sky's that sickly blend of pale grey and piercing white that you can tell it's definitely going to rain.
You'll thank me for that fact, one day.
But anyway, there's no chance of rain today. The sky is as perfect as it'll ever be- not cloudless, but realistic. Like… Take Frank for example. He's perfect, but he'll have bad points. It's hard to imagine, now or ever, that he does, or will have, but somewhere, there'll be something. And that one dodgy trait- that's what makes him beautiful.
Maybe it's that he gets a little too enthusiastic? Maybe, secretly, deep down, he's scared. But I doubt it. It's something trivial, I'm sure, like the enthusiasm thing, but that's okay: it's fine to believe in something a little too much, as long as it stays real to you.
I turn to face Ray, projecting towards him a vibrant smile as a form of non-verbal thanks for the day we're having, and to no surprise, he nods in understanding of my gesture.
Finally, coming out of my daydream and contemplative state, I enter a sort of meditation as I manoeuvre myself to stare at the profile of Frank's face.
It hadn't occurred to me, until now, that I hadn't been seeing Frank's face this whole time. I'd been looking, but not seeing. As cheesy as it sounds, it's true.
I'd studied his face, like in the café, but I only saw its features. I didn't see the meaning behind them: I didn't solve the enigma of his smile, the way his eyes moved or the puzzle in a simple raise of an eyebrow.
So I look closer.
His nose peaks perfectly at the tip, giving him a flawless profile. His lips bulge out slightly, as most lips do, compared to his dainty chin, and, as his eyes are closed, his eyelashes rest over the soft skin below his eyes. His forehead has not even a trace of teenage acne, and his hairline curves effortlessly around the delicate bone structure of his face.
It's now, just now, that I realise that Frank is an enigma, a mystery, but not one I can solve. At least, not alone. Frank is always going to be the key to translation his deepest encryptions, and without his blessing, I cannot unravel and read the scrolls of his heart, without him I cannot disentangle the fibres of his mind, nor can I sooth the whimpers of his soul.
If I want to solve Frank, he's going to have to let me in. Open the doors, unlock the safe and unload the baggage that's weighing him down.
But it's okay, baggage needs to go somewhere for a smile, and it's baggage I'm willing to carry.
I relax, pushing my bodyweight into the ground, and I feel invincible.
You know, that typical teenage feeling of "nothing can ever hurt me. Not here, not now, not ever"? It's that one, and I'm feeling it right now.
Something's brushing against my hand: but what?!I am gripped again by my paranoia- what if it's a poisonous snake? Or a vicious dog? Or a rabid rabbit?
I open my eyes to check, my mind reeling with terrible possibilities, to find that it's nothing scary, or terrible… it is Frank's hand.
Oh, my, eeep, we're taking that first step, aren't we?
I loosen my fingers and let Frank slide his hand into mine.
We're doing it, wow, this day has come, and we're doing this.
There's no better feeling in the world (that I've experienced. Yet) than finally getting close to someone you once thought was so far away.
Oh, shit, my hands are sweating.
Is that normal?
Are they supposed to sweat?
Oh, God, oh God, is my un-necessarily lubricated hand making Frank uncomfortable?
"Ah, Frank, if my lubricated hand is making you uncomfortable then you can, ah, let go," I offer whole-heartedly.
"I wouldn't let it go for the world…" Frank whispers, placing his free hand on my cheek and turning my face to face him full on.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
(I don't even have a watch, but I want to help you feel the silence)
We stare, and we're still staring. Not making a move, not leaning in, just staring – studying.
My eyes move straight to his hazel ones, and I observe the colours. Have you ever seen an eye this close up? It's like it's been crafted out of every shade of green and brown that you could ever find, and-
"Unless it was full of spiders," Frank mumbles.
Wait, what are we talking about, again?
"Huh?"
"That's the only situation I wouldn't hold your hand in…"
"What if I was holding an animal carcass, or the severed head of my brother? Or if Ray was naked and I was –"
"Gee. Don't fret, dear," Says Frank, sitting up, letting me go and batting me with the back of his hand.
"Oi!" I yell playfully, tickling his slim waist.
"Hey," Frank says, bouncing enthusiastically above me, "Let's go on the swings!"
Spurred suddenly into liveliness, Ray and I leap up, racing towards the swings.
I'm trying as hard as I can, honestly, but I'm simply not a sporting person. Ray and Frank speed ahead, leaving me trailing behind.
"Damn you guys!" I laugh, sprinting (well, as close to sprinting as I can get) the distance between me and the swings.
The swings are neatly in a row of three: two full sized and one for toddlers, and guess which one they've left me: the baby swing.
Frank springs elegantly into the swing, kicking his legs high to reach surprisingly far off the ground, whilst Ray slowly eases himself into the swing with caution.
So, my turn now, I guess…
I lift my legs high over the back of the swing, aiming to slot them through the holes meant for the legs of the younger generations.
Fuck, ow.
I don't think these swings are intended for the legs of a bordering-on-overweight seventeen year old- damn, this is uncomfortable. I shoot Frank a pained look as I crouch in the constricted swing.
He's looking straight at me. With his gorgeous hazel eyes. Oh fuck.
I can feel my breath quickening; I'm unsure, however, whether it's thanks to his irresistible eyes or the fact that I've stuffed myself into a fucking toddler's swing.
"Gerard, damn you, come here," Frank says, leaping out of the swing on his way to nursing me out, "You moron!"
Frank's laughing, but his eyes are surprisingly serious.
He wraps his short arms around me (and mmmm, it feels good) in an attempt to help me out.
"Gah! Frank! What are you even- Ooomph!" he clutches at my sides, pulling me up abruptly. Or at least, he tries to do so, but succeeds only in leaving odd little dints on my stomach.
"We'll swap, you little cutie pie!" he offers, tugging on my cheek like an old Aunt.
I glance over to check what Ray's doing while we struggle, and he's just… there. Although it's a bit like he isn't there at all; his eyes are closed – not tightly, like he's trying too hard, but loosely, his legs are swinging slowly and his hair is elegant in the mild breeze on this warm day.
"Lift your legs!" Frank yells, staring at me and my odd "teenager-in-toddler-swing" posture for a few seconds, before stepping forward to somewhat pointlessly tug my arms up with all of his might (and I've got to say, for a fairly short guy, he's pretty strong).
"I'm trying," I admit breathlessly, "But they're still in the little holes!"
"Not the first holes you've-"
"Don't you dare make an innuendo of the situation," I demand playfully, and I feel myself finally coming loose from the fir, grip of the swing, "I think I'm- I'm doing it! It's working, I am-"
Before I can complete the sentence, I feel the soft, warm cushion of a body underneath me, propping my body up and preventing me form grazing my knees on the coarse, rubbery ground.
"… Free." I finish, looking straight into Frank's hazel eyes. As I do so, I almost melt entirely… again.
I press up, my hands staying sturdy next to Frank's shoulders, while digging into the ground with my feet. It's uncomfortable, but it's necessary for what I am about to do.
I smile, relishing in the perfect little five second moment before I dive right in.
"Thank you for saving me," I declare, planting a soft kiss onto Frank's cheek, like he'd done after our apologies. I bite my lip as I pull away from the childish display of affection. Only, it doesn't feel childish; it means the world to me, and I can just hope that it means the world to Frank, too. This little kiss was not a way to win Frank's heart, money, friendship, nor was it to make a scene or play with irony; this kiss was planted to show that I care and that I, finally, am ready to take the chance.
And it looks like he understood.
Frank is smiling down at me (I've landed quite low on his body), and as the discarded, stretched toddler swing sways above us, he pulls me close- into his chest and out of my precarious position.
I close my eyes in wonder, not for the first time today, and think. This one accidental moment, caused by my clumsiness and inability to run has ended up meaning so much. I hear Frank's gorgeous giggle from below me, but I don't open my eyes just yet. I stay still, absorbed in the moment.
"Gerard," Frank giggles as I open my eyes, "Oh, gosh, you're so cute."
I look directly up at Frank's face as I sit up. His hazel eyes are shining, no sparkling, his lips curved into an eager smile and his beautiful eyebrows arched with happiness. I want to lean down again, face to face with him, and kiss his lips passionately until mine are dried out, but I'm not going to ruin this moment with physical intimacy- it means too much. This moment here, now, is about emotional intimacy… The way we are sharing a comfortable silence, physical closeness and a beautiful moment without igniting a carnal spark and letting the moment burn out too soon. It's all I've ever wanted – he's all I've ever wanted, and all I'll ever want.
I feel like crying with joy, but I lean down and snuggle into his chest instead. He's warm, so warm, and though I can't see his face, I can almost feel his smile penetrating me, causing me to smile in the knowledge of his pleasure.
"I like you, Gerard," Frank says, pulling me softly up to face him again as we sit next to the now static toddlers' swing. I expect Frank to expand on his statement but no explanation comes, just a smile as contented as the one before.
"I like you too, Frank," I reply, crossing my legs and taking his hand in my own for the second time today.
Frank looks to Ray who's still in his own little world, maybe a better world, maybe a worse one, apparently unaware of his surroundings. Knowing him, though, he's probably fully aware of the situation between Frank and I, and is thus staying out of it to avoid another "Natalie moment". He looks beautiful, Ray does. His eyes are shut delicately and his legs are swinging gracefully in the mild breeze. His hair shines in the sun; he looks utterly relaxed, whatever the world he occupies as me and Frank strengthen our relationship with silent affection.
"Crap!" Frank says as a loud, repetitive tone emanates from his pocket. He squeezes my hands lovingly before letting them fall and checking his pockets for the shrieking device.
"It's my mom," he sighs, "She wants me home."
I nod, giving him a speechless approval of his plans. Bringing my hands together, I pick at my fingers awkwardly; I don't want this perfect day to end, but I know that making a scene will destroy my chances with Frank, and his feelings mean more to me than my compulsive need to make all good things last .
He grabs my hand and tugs me upright, pulling me into a close hug. I feel his breath, hot soothing in my ear as he stands on a tiptoe to whisper to me.
"So, tomorrow," he whispers slightly sensually, "Do you fancy showing me round this place or what?"
My heart is skipping so many beats, my head begins to throb and I feel like sweat could pour from every pore in my body. Frank has asked me out on a date. Frank, the perfect little flirt, the little heart stealer… has asked me out. Too elated to talk, I let out a "hnng" noise into his neck as I prevent myself from jumping and squealing over his (obviously accepted) offer.
"Well," he says as he pulls away, looking into my joy-clouded eyes with his sparkling, hope-filled ones, "I look forward to it."
Frank then lets me abruptly go, and I wobble with the lack of support. My feet quaver as I try to steady myself but, overcome with excitement, I fall down onto the safe, soft, child friendly ground.
I laugh hard at my failure, and I hear Frank's amused chuckle join mine as I remain collapsed on the floor. I like the feeling of the floor right now, even knowing I've embarrassed myself, as the mild pain from falling on my stomach is reminding me that this is real. This is now. I am Frank's, and (though I don't like the constricting term) Frank is mine.
"You're the biggest loser I've ever dated, Gerard!" Frank cheers as a goodbye, running over to Ray and asking kindly for a lift home before becoming engrossed in small talk.
I begin to walk away, watching Frank and Ray and smiling. Everything happened perfectly today, and I finally realise the truth about it: today was one big chance- one big chance to get to know my first real friends, to get intimate with Frank and to finally enjoy my pathetic life.
My grin widens as my mind revels in the understanding that today really was one big chance, and one big chance I was brave enough to take.