Chapter 134 The Valley of The Shadow

Erik stood, motioning for Nicole to join him at a table not far from where both her mother and grandmother lay asleep. She sat in the chair across from his. The tiny wooden table had been host to many a traveler, if it had lips what stories it could tell, even for those that now sat as its guests. Erik was rubbing the rough redness of his hands together. They were tender to the touch, yet somehow they needed it. He looked up at her, and then over her shoulder as he nodded to the young man who now brought them each a plate of breakfast and some hot coffee. Though he'd not much of an appetite, he knew he should eat. He'd be wanting to head back to the winter house as soon as day broke.

Nicole had not known what to expect of the man. She was both fearful of, and deeply indebted to him. He was handsome and compassionate. Yet held within him a fury she'd only witnessed the once as he'd grabbed her wrists not moments ago, though she'd seen a hint of it when they'd had their first encounter on the road. There was little doubt he'd found himself in situations of danger a sufficient number of times that defending one's self had become as instinctive as breathing.

Nicole waited for him to raise his head. Looking at her he realized she'd not prayed as he had, or if she had, she had been far more brief. Either way he supposed, it mattered little. He cut into the slice of ham, raising it to his lips he consumed it, and at once his hunger revealed itself to him. Perhaps he'd needed it more than he realized.

The pair sat in silence as they tended to their breakfast. It wasn't until he'd refilled their cups that he spoke.

"Nicole, how is it that your grandmother came to Chauesser?" Nicole swallowed her bite of toast and preserves.

"It was long ago. She worked as a governess here for a wealthy family my mother said. She'd left when she married, but after her husband died, she'd returned here, working in various inns and things as a housekeeper. Mother said she'd fallen in love with the city from when she was a young woman, and though she'd not brought them there as children, she'd always spoken of it fondly."

Erik listened intently. He could understand wanting to return to something that he loved, he felt that same way about his home beneath the Opera House. "How is it that you and your mother came to stay here with her? Surely you'd had a home where you lived before."

Nicole looked down into the depths of her cup, as though she wished she could drown herself in it. "Its sad really. Mother received a letter, from a doctor who'd been treating grandmother for some years. He'd said her condition had worsened and that he thought it might be time for us to care for her." Nicole's eyes filled with tears, which she quickly swept away with her hand.

"My father had just taken ill, and wasn't up to traveling, so mother sent me on ahead to stay with grandmother until father recovered." Nicole was fighting back her emotions. She took a sip from her cup. "That was five years ago." Nicole looked up toward the window that led outside, and then into Erik's eyes. "My father never recovered, he died that summer." Nicole had closed her eyes as she revisited the events in her mind.

Erik looked upon her with sympathy. The man he once was would have been uncomfortable with such behavior, but the man that was evolving, found this to be a very real part of human nature, and he'd come to appreciate the human condition for what it was. He waited in silence for her to go on.

"My mother sent a post that I should stay, and she would come to Chauesser."

There was a long pause, Erik looked up at Nicole whose face was now twisted with pain and regret.

"I never even had a chance to say goodbye to him, to my friends, to my….." her voice trailed off.

Erik knew before he asked, though he felt compelled to, "someone special perhaps?"

Nicole nodded, a new set of tears forming in her eyes. Then she wiped under her eyes and looked at Erik, with a forced smile. "I understand that he and his wife are very happy…they've just welcomed their second child into the world this past Christmas."

Erik understood now…she loved her mother, her grandmother, but she'd made a sacrifice of herself to do it. "I see, and this pains you…that is understandable."

She smiled at him again, now wringing her hands, as she looked at them in her lap.

Erik thought for a moment, and continued. "Life is a curious set of events. One never quite knows why things happen as they do." He inhaled, the next he said had only recently become true to him. "I've come to appreciate in my life, the strangest things. I too once thought love to be out of my reach, beyond what I could ever have. But even my most certain thoughts were erroneous. Sometimes love finds us in the oddest place, just when we think all is lost, it finds us, and is sweeter than we'd ever imagined." His confession and compassion startled even him. He'd not confessed as much to anyone. But something of this girl felt like a kindred spirit.

Nicole smiled up at him. "I see the way she looks at you sir. She adores you with every fiber of her being….a girl knows these things."

Erik blushed just slightly. He knew Christine loved him, he'd not thought of what it appeared to be to the outside world, but now he knew. "Yes, I am a blessed man, she is a wonderful creature…and to think my own insecurities could have prevented me from allowing her to love me."

Nicole looked at him quite confused. He seemed like a dream come true for any woman, how is it possible that he had not known the assurances of love?

Erik caught the look of confusion on her face. "It is hard to describe Nicole, but let us just say that there was a time when I wasn't all that certain that my wife would indeed be my wife." He smiled at her, something tickling at the back of his mind. "Nicole, do not doubt yourself that you will one day find this yourself. You must have faith." Erik's mind was already working. He knew of another who felt a similar way, perhaps they'd be a perfect match.

"Now Nicole, how is it that you and your mother came to stay, rather than take the woman home with you?"

Nicole was distracted, but looked at him with curious eyes. "The doctor….he'd said she needed to be near him now, and since we'd no reason to return…he simply thought it best that he keep an eye on her. He felt her condition to be very fragile."

Erik looked at her, brow furrowed, "Condition?"

Nicole sipped her cup. "She'd gone quite mad, her mind playing tricks on her at every turn. Her heart was weakened by a fever she'd endured, and most of her strength had left her as she aged. She'd begun hallucinating about a boy, a boy she'd lost." Nicole shook her head. "In all the people we'd spoken with, they'd never seen her with a boy. She'd tended for several families, all girls, over the years, but never so much as one boy had ever been seen in her company. As time went on her imagination got the best of her and she'd make up elaborate stories of things, that I am far too embarrassed to tell anyone…my mother's sworn me to absolute secrecy over it."

Erik looked at Nicole. "Never a boy? Why then does she still speak of him as though her were alive?"

Nicole looked at Erik. "The doctor believes that perhaps she'd lost a son of her own, or perhaps a brother she'd never spoken of, and now her mind was trying to piece together a memory that didn't exist, to somehow put it into a package for her benefit."

Erik looked down at his plate as the young man came to collect it. He and Nicole sat with their cups in hand, staring into the fire. The glowing embers provided a warmth even from that distance. "So you stayed, all this long while? Caring for them?"

Nicole nodded. "My mother cared for her, and I worked so we could eat." Nicole chuckled. "Grandmother always boasted of this vast fortune that she'd been given to care for this imaginary boy, how she'd saved it for him….we never found evidence of a fortune." She sipped from her cup. "Grandmother's imagination was quite vivid."

Erik felt a double portion of sorrow for this family. So much hardship all in the name of being a family. He'd learned much about family since he'd been living on the surface of the earth instead of hiding beneath the Opera House. Life was no less complicated, and certainly contained no less heartache, it was but of a different kind. The value of life itself had changed. He'd once thought life to be an expendable commodity…his opinions were changing at the speed of his heart.

"And we've been here ever since. She has proven to be quite a handful I must say, though I mean no disrespect to her you understand," Nicole said with a hint of contrition in her voice. Erik nodded, he understood.

Nicole stared deeply into the fire as if it provided some sort of silent redemption from what she was about to confess. "Her stories, her wanderings, the behavior, I dare say all but pure evidence of the insanity of a crazed woman…." Nicole's voice trailed off. She looked seriously at Erik, "though I recall with fondness, times, just the night before she'd gone off in the storm as a matter of fact. She spoke with absolute clarity of a great storm of decades long passed. She'd recollected it not having been at all unlike the one that was then still brewing. She recanted memories of frigid winds, snows coursing down like waves in an ocean. She'd spoke of venturing out under the cloak of night…that is when her story turned again…she slipped back into the imaginings of her mind, talking of taking the boy down the stairs and out into the snows to retrieve something, though she couldn't remember what. Her claim to have become separated and that is when she lost him." Nicole shook her head. "How can one's mind make up such detail, such fantasy?"

Erik was staring down at the table. Something about Nicole's statement made him feel abruptly numb. His head began to ache, he shut his eyes, a sharp pain running from the base of his head down his spine.

Nicole looked at him, "is everything alright?" Erik shook his head.

"It is nothing but a bit of discomfort, I shall be fine."

Nicole looked over at her mother and grandmother, and then back at Erik. She thought he might benefit from a bit more rest. No doubt he'd be returning home this morning, and he'd need to prepare for it. "Sir, I've enjoyed the pleasure of your company over breakfast." Erik smiled at her, his head feeling like it was splitting. "If you do not mind at all, I think I should want to find some proper clothing before the rest of the inn is awake. I shan't have want to be found in nothing more than a robe with men about."

Something was odd about it. Though Erik was a man, she'd not felt uncomfortable around him in it. Perhaps it was that she felt him to be a true gentleman, or perhaps it was the fact he felt somehow more like family to her now having gone through this ordeal together. In any case, she felt entirely comfortable in his presence.

Erik nodded again, "that is a most wise thought. I've seen the likes of some that have found themselves stranded here. I've no doubt they'd take every advantage they felt they could." Nicole nodded at him as she rose and departed.

Nicole retreated to the innkeeper's quarters at his bidding. His wife had found some suitable garments for her. Though they weren't a perfect fit, they would suffice for the day.

Erik returned to the old woman's side. He glanced over at her daughter who lay sound asleep not feet from her. The poignancy of the moment was not lost on his soul. Erik had never known his father nor his mother, and this love, this bond between them, was as foreign as a ship that sailed from a distant sea. What was it like, he wondered. What would it be like when Christine gave birth to a being who would love him as desperately as this woman loved her mother? So much of this he had tried to imagine all those years he had spent alone…now he would know this great love.

He glanced back and forth between the sleeping women, there was intangible connection that they shared, flesh of one flesh, conceived in love, born in love, the essence of love itself. What could be greater evidence of pure love than a child's undying adulation for its mother, or in turn her love for her child? Erik thought there could be nothing as pure and true.

It made him wonder of his own mother….had she loved him? Had she wanted him until she'd seen his hideous flesh and then cursed the very day he'd been conceived? Had she died in childbirth and his father discarded him as a rock about his neck? Had his father died before his birth, and then his mother during, making him an orphan tossed about here and there?

No. He shook his head. Why this torture? Why these thoughts now…it had been so many years…he'd put this behind him he'd thought. His years of solitude had purged it from his soul…his years in Persia had diminished his need for vengeance…and the love of his wife had helped him heal. His mind had captured the essence of some woman who'd been with him for a number of years. But nothing more than an essence, a shadow in his memory. Perhaps he'd blocked it out of his mind in an attempt to preserve what little he'd had left of his sanity. So many questions would remain forever unanswered in this life.

He looked once more over at the daughter who'd come to be with her mother, and then at the grandmother who'd returned to a town she'd loved. By Nicole's own account, this woman he now looked down on, had returned here for a reason. Erik felt pity once again for her. What had happened in her life that she'd deserved such mental anguish?

He reached out touching her forehead. Her eyes opened slowly. Her breathing was labored, her reflexes slow. She reached out touching his face, her hand feeble and unsteady. Her voice was faint but distinct, "he was a good boy…his mother never knew…it is my greatest regret…the promise…perhaps she'd have saved him…"

Erik grimaced. He'd listen to her, as long as she wanted. It was indeed the most cruel thing he'd seen since he'd left Persia. To have one's mind so taken from you. To be so detached from reality. It was far worse than death, it meant torture as long as one had breath.

She looked up at Erik, her eyes were clear and set. "They've thought me mad all these years." She smiled, "but they never knew, no one knew. Take the books, read the books, find him," She blinked, her eyes ever more slowly. Opening them again, Erik's own grew wide.

He knew that look, he'd seen in not long before. That distant look, the one…the one Sara had given him. He held the woman's hand, feeling the side of her neck. Her pulse was slowing. He looked down at the horror that was before him, and at once he'd no thought of his own loss, of that which he would never know, he could think of her daughter and granddaughter alone.

"Woman…" she looked at him, the pleading in her eyes, "can I see them?"

Erik stood at once going to the woman that was asleep on the cot, gently shaking her until she opened her eyes. She sat up, a desperate look in her eye. Erik helped her rise and led her over to her mother's side. She grasped her hand, turning to look back at Erik, "can you.." Erik nodded, he knew what she needed.

Erik made swift work of the stairs as he traveled up them to find Nicole. He stood in the dark hallway, quickly assessing that she must be in the lone room that had light beneath the door. He moved to it and knocked sharply before opening it.

There Nicole stood, nearly dressed but horrified at his boldness. "Come child your mother is in need of you." Nicole ran to him, he grabbing her hand as he moved with equal speed down the stairs.

Her mother was leaning next to her grandmother, she could see that she was talking to her, shaking her head, pleading. Nicole let go of Erik's hand, glancing gratefully back at him as she ran to her mother's side. They sat huddled over the woman, talking incessantly, tears running down their faces.

Erik hadn't done so consciously, but he'd begun to back himself into the shadows of the room that was not fully light. A temporary assemblage of clouds had darkened the sky as if out of respect. He watched with intense fascination as the family traveled into the valley of the shadow of death with the woman.

He'd watched life leave a body, the look in their eye, the fear, the peace, he'd seen death in all of its gore and glory. What he'd never witnessed, not once in his life, was the grief of those who were being led to the river's edge by their loved one, only being able to watch them cross alone. He'd never been witness to this pain, this deep emotion of grief when it was as fresh and warm as the body that was dying before them.

He'd known just by the look in the woman's eyes, she entered her last hour. The least he could do for them was to allow them the peace they needed. He could have called for the doctor, but it would have attracted the attention of all the rest, and the woman's final precious moments would have become a freak-show for all those that were awake. He knew the pain of such first hand. There was nothing to be done for the woman to save her. This time belonged to the family and to them alone.

He watched for a long while as they pleaded, with her, with God Himself to spare her life, though he could tell by the look on their faces that they knew it was in vane.

A man had walked toward the room, looking in that general direction. Erik felt the ire rise in his soul. Before he'd even realized it, he'd taken on the stance…the one he'd used when he was the indomitable force at the Opera Populaire, in Persia…one of intimidation. A look that had sent even the bravest of men tail tucked, and retreating.

He stood between the man and the stone wall he was attempting to look around, and the view of the cot where the woman and her family were. Erik shook his head, uttering but one simple phrase that turned the man round, "if you value your life, you shan't disturb them sir. Hell hath no fury that you shan't see if you'd not give them a moments peace."

The man at first looked indignant, but quickly realized by the seriousness of Erik's eyes, and the clench in his jaw, that he was beyond serious…..he was deadly serious. The man quickly retreated to his solitary table, just at the edge of Erik's view. Erik would keep an eye on him, as he kept a watchful eye over them.

He glanced back at the three women. Nicole and her mother were weeping, each holding one of the woman's hands. In the silence of that room Erik could hear them beginning to recite the 23rd Psalm…and he began to say it with them silently, "yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me…"

He'd made it through to the end with them. He watched from the shadows as they each kissed her hand and laid it across her chest. Nicole and her mother each put their hands on her leaning down to pray. Their shoulders shook with the wretched crying that overtook them. Though it was silent Erik could hear their mournful sobs. Watching with curious eyes as the family grieved her passing.

His own eyes full of tears that flowed over his lids and down his face, soaking the sheet he'd wrapped around him. Erik marveled at the intensity with which one left their life, even peacefully as this woman had, the trail of grief he'd never bore witness to. He'd never encountered it, and the intense sadness nearly undid him.

In a few short months he'd be witnessing the opposite end of life as he and Christine welcomed their children into the world. He'd no doubt he'd remember these moments with equal awe. In the depth of the cellars of the Opera House he'd only read of these acts of life, these rites of passage, but somehow the words had not done the process justice. To truly know something, one must embrace it. He'd learned so many things about life, but this one simple truth had escaped him. Life is as precious as you make it, right to the last minutes you've breath in your lungs.

An overwhelming sadness settled upon him. How many deaths he'd witnessed…how many lives had come to tragic ends…it was like playing God….he'd never have his hand in it again…unless he'd been given no other choice, to save himself…or someone he loved.

Erik glanced once more at the women. They cried bitterly laying over the cot. Erik could watch no more. He turned his back, standing fully in the doorway that led from one room to the other. He'd stand there all day if that is what they needed. That was the least and most he could do for the woman now.

Author's Notes:

Captainoblivious: Your popping up around Erik could very well be dangerous to your health as our dear Nicole can attest to. Remember…he has all of his instincts still in tact…and though our beloved Erik is transforming into a gentleman, he's far from healed on the inside…sometimes those pains, that damage affects one's life for a very long while, though they try to deny it. Ahem..clears throat Now, before I reveal too much I shall bid you adieu have a wonderful weekend. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you as well!

Phantomsrogue: Glad you like the analogy. Though we not all be willing to admit it, we've all done it! Yes, I agree, we probably shouldn't burden our Phamily with all the details of a story that has yet to be born. But yes, there are many possibilities. I'm not certain about the Meg thing. There are so many stories of people with dual identities…there should be at least one pure soul in the lot of them don't you think? However, it could be such a thing that Louis takes a fancy to her, thus protecting her from Lestat…hmmmm…so many possibilities there… Well yes, the collaboration process does take some doing doesn't it!

The characters in this story have certainly had their share of angst. Yes, we are all rooting for Erik to get back to his Christine, especially now…he needs the comfort of her arms to reassure him that he can survive on the surface of this planet and not fall into a deep need to retreat to the cellar…..hmmmm….

Have a great weekend! Alas, I have a few precious hours to myself on Saturday. I'm planning on baking up a storm for a dear person whose requested a few loaves of my "special" banana bread! Oh yes, finding time to be domestic these days has proven to be as elusive as Erik's memories! LOL!

WriterMuseoftheNight: My, my, we are full of questions…very good questions I might add, but alas, I shan't be answering them or I would entirely spoil your fun! By the time you read this, you will have answered the question for yourself in regard to further conversations between Erik and the old woman. It is a sad twist of fate that he'd come so close, but in the end he was able to be there for her, though he'd not understand the significance of that moment. Yes, Raoul's father is a living, walking, bag of hypocrisy isn't he? It is an odd psychological thing about us as humans…sometimes we despise most in others what is actually a weakness that we ourselves possess. If you think about that, you might find that is very true. In this case, I think it is very fitting for DeChagny is such a man. A spoiled, overzealous aristocrat with a past as dark and deep as it could probably be. And no, he's not terribly fond of Raoul's relationship with Meg…we'll hear more of this in coming chapters…. Thank you for the compliment. Though there are obvious elements of fantasy, I didn't want it to get too "out there" if you know what I mean! Have a wonderful weekend…and thank you…the muse continues to be my inspiration!

PhantomFan13: Thanks for keeping in touch. I do encourage you to take care of that homework. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Latin quotes (I do have many I'm afraid)

Homo doctvs is se semper divitias habet - A learned man always has wealth within himself It is my favorite since I truly believe that whatever you put into your mind no one can steal. It is a wealth that can be accessed any time one wishes, and adds pleasure and depth to life that cannot be found any other way. So, yes, I am an advocate of homework, and the doing of it, for each morsel you put into that brain belongs entirely to you! Have a wonderful weekend!

Christineluvserik: Thank you for the welcome home. Yes, my assignment was productive in a sense that something that was wrong has been righted. Yes, we are all now eagerly awaiting his return to Christine…I can only imagine…he loves that woman doesn't he! Have a great weekend!

Hopelesslyobsessed: I am glad you are relieved…our beloved Erik is safe. Yes, the mother protecting her foal, it is something that you won't want to forget entirely. It's a little like foreshadowing, though not entirely. It gets one thinking about how protective mothers can be….hmmm…I'll say nothing more. I had to LOL when read that you are still wondering about that desk. I have to admit I'm getting a bit more curious about it each day, but Christine assures me I should be patient…Erik must have his reasons! LOL Have a great weekend!

PhantomLover05: The jitterbug? I haven't thought about those in so very long. Yes, swing dancing is a considerable amount of fun. I attended a wedding this summer where they had an 18 piece swing band. Not many of us knew how to swing, but it was great fun to watch those that did enjoy themselves! Best of times to you. No doubt between school and practices you will be one very busy little jitterbug! I am glad you are relieved, though right now you might be shaking your head and wondering why she was brought home only to die hours later….it all shall be explained…in good time. Have a wonderful weekend!