October 9, 2011

Thank you so much for sticking with me. I have discovered part of the reason for my writers block. Though part of it has to do with the stress and interference of Real Life, there is another part and that has to do with the voices going quiet.

I have realized that over the last year I have not gotten much opportunity to just talk to someone who is interested in listening to my plots and twists. My best friend has lost interest because first of all she is not a reader and has not read any of the VA books let alone my fictions. But also her Real Life has gotten more complicated over the last year as well.

Without having this outside source to share ideas with my imagination is growing quiet. Without the voices helping me fill in the conversations that make a story, a story I feel like I am left with only outlines. I am hoping to find readers who are willing to let me use their ears. I am happy to use Yahoo messenger or even better someone who would be willing to talk on the phone. I live in southern California so that would be Pacific Standard Time. I am often online or up at late hours so if you are interested and you are old enough to read my M scenes please let me know.

Suzanna

As of the last time I checked I do not own VA but I am owned by my voices.

Chapter 19: Admission of Guilt

Dimitri POV

Pain. Guilt. Resentment. Self-loathing. Joy.

It was an overload that eclipsed all other events in my life. In the moment that my beautiful lady bug had said that her mommy called her daddy, Comrade; everything began to hit me at once. It was the truth; I didn't know how it was possible but there wasn't a doubt in my mind. Adrenaline rushed through me causing a fight or flight mode. I ran; I ran to the only place that could give me comfort.

The silence of the church was broken by sobs. How could this be? It's the truth; I can feel it in my very soul but how? How could I have not seen it from the beginning? When I looked at her all I saw was Rose but now when I think of her I see myself too. They never told me… no that isn't true Yeva tried the day I came home with Tasha and Connor for a visit. "Love has made you a father; your child is waiting for your love." But Rose never made an attempt to tell me…. just one phone call to tell me that I was a father…. No I would never have believed it. Oh God she did try to tell me… Somehow she used a dream walk. She did it twice to tell me about the pregnancy and then gave it one last try… even begged me to come help her… My God she begged for help but I denied her. If I had come back after the first time she came to my dreams then none of this would have happened. Our other baby would still be alive and I wouldn't be facing the loss of Rose and Annemarie.

Soon I was hyperventilating. I tried to calm my breathing with no success. I felt my head hit the seat as I passed out in the pew. Darkness held me in a cold embrace but even in this state that should have given me a reprieve from my feeling, I found no peace. My heart pounded in an irregular beat, my chest was burning with remorse and I felt as if a million pounds were weighing on it. I could hear the keening sound of my own sobs. My close-mindedness has caused so much pain to the woman I love. I am responsible for the death of my infant daughter and if I cannot find the cure for this dreadful cancer I will be the cause of the death of both her twin and their mother. For all intents and purposes; I might as well have been the one to use a stake against them and inject them with deadly Strigoi blood.

My jumbled memories began to find order and as painful as it was I relived it; memories from the beginning when I first laid eyes on Rose in Portland to the moment when my daughter revealed the truth to me. I relived all of it with renewed eyes. I understood now how different Rose was from other people. I saw that the clues to her extraordinary nature, they were there all along. Through my memories I even pinpointed the day that we conceived our beautiful babies. The three dream walks came to me with sharp clarity and my mind lingered on the crestfallen look on my baby girl's face as she looked back at me thinking I had rejected her. Every clue both vague and blatant that had been given to me since I was reassigned to the school came to me and I felt so ashamed.

I found myself wondering about this Bond that Rose and I are supposed to have and my mind brought me back to a point in my past long before I had ever met my Roza. I found myself seated on the floor next to my babushka's rocking chair as she knit by the fire. She was spinning tails to me about her great- great-grandmother who had a love so great that it allowed her to have a family with a man who was a Dhampir like herself. She described it as a Marriage of the Heart. I understood now how Rose and I had conceived together.

My feelings now sorted; I felt marginally better. I still felt the pain and guilt of having been so blind and so callous to not have seen things for what they were. Guilt for leaving when I should have stayed and more for the consequences that Rose and my children have had to face. The burning in my chest has eased as did the pressure. My heart no longer felt like it was going to implode. I was exhausted but with a feeling of love and peace like I have felt from one of Annemarie's special hugs the darkness that enveloped me morphed into a deep slumber.

~~*~O~*~~

I woke sometime later. The room was dim but there was a light on in the corner of the room. I turned to the light and saw a young man sitting in a rocking chair, reading a book. I watched him for a few moments wondering who he was and where I was.

"Ex…Excuse me." oh my throat burns. The young man lifted his head and turned in my direction. I swallowed hard and tried again. "Where? Who?" I hoped that he would be able to understand my questions.

"Your awake, you have been asleep for quite some time. My name is Benjamin Strathmore, Emma, Rose's daughter; is my wife. You are in our home at the compound outside of the Academy. Yesterday when you passed out we found you and brought you here."

He walked over to my night stand and poured me a glass of water from a pitcher and put a straw in it. He handed it to me and sat on the edge of the bed next to me. The water was cool and refreshing to my burning throat. As I drank I examined the man more closely. He could barely be called a man I would say he couldn't have been more than twenty. He was built like a Dhampir and moved with the grace of one. His hair color was a light brown and even in the dim light I could see the intense color of his green eyes.

I didn't dwell on thought of the here and now for long. By the time I finished my water my mind was already thinking about Roza and our girl. I had wasted too much time; I have to head back to the hospital. I need to face Roza and I need to throw myself into saving my family. I tried to get up but the man pushed me down.

"Not so fast. My wife needs to talk to you but she is still asleep. She spent almost 20 hours healing you and helping you work through your shock. In her condition she shouldn't be expending so much energy but she did because you are important. The least you could do is wait and talk to her."

I nodded in agreement. As much as I am itching to get back to Roza the thought has accrued to me that if I am married to Rose; albeit through an ancient magic bond and not a traditional marriage; and Emma is Rose's adopted daughter then she is also mine. I need to meet her and get to know her too. On some level I have wanted to meet her and know her since I found out that Rose had adopted her. When I have daydreamed of being part of Roza's family I have pictured Emma and Josh as part of the picture.

There was a soft knock on the door; Ben got up to answer it. He spoke to a stout woman for a moment before asking me if I felt up to eating breakfast with him and his children. I get to meet my 'Grandchildren' I thought to myself as I stood up. He led me downstairs to a cozy dining room.

The stout woman, a Human, was helping one of two identical little boys into a booster seat. There was a little girl already seated, she smiled at me shyly. Ben lifted the other boy in the air and kissed his cheek before setting him in the other booster.

The food was set out buffet style and he motioned to me to serve myself. After every one was served and seated he began some introductions.

"Mrs. Crain here is our Nanny. She used to work for one of England's Royals and she proudly gave her life defending the children in her care. We are proud to have her with us."

"It's Nice to meet you Mrs. Crain."

"Just call me Nanny; it has been well over a hundred years since I have had a husband. Most transformed who have been around as long as I have would have chosen to accept death and forgiveness but I missed taking care of little ones so I chose forgiveness and life. Yes Nanny suits me just fine." She patted one of the boys on the head as she nodded.

"My little princess here is Amanda, she is 2yrs three months, but as you know a Wielder's children grow
much faster so that is why she might look about four and a half." Amanda gave me another shy wave.

"My boys are Jacob and John. At almost 17.5 months they are at about three plus years of development."

"Daddy says we grow like weeds." Amanda piped in.

"And this one is going on 7 months in the oven." A female voice chimed in behind me. Ben smiled at her as if he had just seen perfection. She walked up to him and gave him a kiss on the lips as he gave her round belly a rub.

I looked on as they greeted each other. There was so much love in the way that they looked at each other. They seemed so mature yet the truth was also so evident; they were young. Ben looked like he could just barely pass for twenty but Emma; Emma looked like she should still be in high school. Somehow I know that this too is my fault.

Even though Emma spent so much time helping me deal with all my memories and emotions using her Healing Love as Annemarie had once explained to me; I felt my thoughts tailspin. Before I knew what was happening I was beginning to hyperventilate again. Amanda jumped off her seat and ran to me; climbing up and into my lap so she could hug me.

"Don't cry Grandpa, don't cry. Mommy said that she was going to help you make everything better. Don't cry." She patted my back and I could feel her own tears on my shoulder.

I could feel warmth and love from her hug and I held her close to me. I guess I hadn't even heard myself crying but holding her to me calmed me just enough, I began to sob quietly. I have ruined so much; and missed out on so many things. I had a whole family just waiting for me to get my head out of my ass. Who knows how many children Rose and I would have had by now if I had never left. I am sure that we would still have adopted Emma and even Joshua if we met them; and I would know my grandchildren. Seven years; I threw away seven years and now I stand to lose so much more than time; I could lose my wife and daughter.

Emma joined in on the hug. She whispered to me soothingly.

"She is right dad; I think I know how to help you but it will take a huge sacrifice on your part."

"I will do anything, I will give anything, and I will risk anything to save them."

"OK, as much as I want to get into it right now it isn't an appropriate conversation in front of the kids and I really need to feed little Erica here." She took my hand and placed it on her belly. I felt a lump in the shape of a little hand press my palm then recede. "You need to eat too but after breakfast we will talk."

She kissed my forehead then headed for the food. Amanda refused to let me go so I sat her in my lap and we shared a plate. After breakfast she kissed my cheek then went with Nanny Crain and her brothers.

Ben retrieved a book for Emma and sat with us at the table. I recognized the book. It belonged to my grandmother and she claimed it had been handed down in her family for over five hundred years. She let me look at it once but the words were nothing but gibberish. Yeva said that it could only be read when it was supposed to be read. This was one of the things that had made me think Yeva was nothing but an old nut. I am sure that whatever I used to believe about Yeva and her book was completely WRONG.

The Big Questions

1. What information do you think Emma might have that will help Dimitri save his family?

2. What's with the book of Gibberish?

3. What huge sacrifice might Dimitri have to give to save his family?

Sorry for such a short Chapter but at least I am posting.

Please Review

Suzanna