Author & Beta: Shadowfax27
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: Eric/Ryan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing but these nefarious Plot Penguins.
Spoilers: A bit of Season 3's 'Lost Son' but totally AU, so please indulge my creative liberties.
Summary: Ryan had one last unfinished business.
WARNING: This is SLASH, as in Male/Male relationship!! If this makes you uncomfortable, then don't read this. Don't go flaming me if you're foolish enough to disregard this warning and got yourself offended. All flames will be used to make heat-up lube and condoms for the Hardy Boys. You've been warned!
A/N: Lyrics taken from Gerri Halliwell's "Mi Chico Latino." I tried to tie this chapter in a bit with its prequel, "Walking The Twisted Line." I won't spoiler this anymore, as you'll see what I mean soon. This is a bittersweet chapter, btw. I was tearing up as I was writing it.
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Chapter 12 – From Twisted Lines To Straight Curves
Now there's fire in my eyes
I'll break away and say goodbye
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Settling his head back onto the pillow, Eric pressed, "So, what is it, then?" coaxing him with a small kiss to the temple before running blithe fingers to smooth away a stray hair from his brow. "What's that gorgeous head of yours thinking about?"
He watched as a glimmer of remembrance twinkled across Ryan's telling eyes, watched as that fading wisp of a memory flitted across the younger man's face, boyish and blushing adorably. And suddenly, Eric, himself, knew…
"There's one last thing I need to do…"
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Two hours later…
"Did you ever say good-bye, Eric?" Ryan whispered so softly, Eric almost didn't hear it were it not for the billowy wisp of cool morning breeze that carried the words, quiet yet heavy-laden, to his ears.
They were standing side by side now in an open field, nearly similar in its features to the one that Speed had last taken Ryan to in his sleep: lush green grass still covered the landscape beneath their feet; the early-rising sun peered through canopies of leaves, still-slanted rays piercing the ground in a tapestry of yellowish-white cylinders.
Everything was the same except… It wasn't.
Not really.
Strategically placed marble or granite stones now interrupted the verdant carpet they had treaded on in perfectly symmetrical sequence. Flowers of every variety, some in full bloom, others now wilted, could be seen every now and then dotting the neatly kept meadow. A tall iron gate stood guard in the far distance beyond a series of rolling hills. And towering trees declared their unassuming presence along the grassy green, casting shadows of condolences to those who weep with heavy hearts.
Turning to regard the younger man thoughtfully, Eric slowly nodded, "Yeah… I did… It took me a while, but… I finally did."
"When?" Ryan asked, swallowing hard, his mouth feeling very dry all of a sudden, his heart feeling like it would beat out of his chest.
Sighing heavily in thought, Eric replied, "Not long after Natalia and I had cooled off… Not long before I found out about you and Speed."
"Was it hard, Eric?" he asked now, searching the Cuban's eyes for answers. "Was it hard to say good-bye?"
"I can't say it was easy, Ryan," Eric replied, phrasing the words as delicately as he could put it. "But I knew he was there when I did it. I knew he was listening to every word I said… and that made it easier somehow."
It was Ryan's turn to nod this time, a small, sad smile of understanding lining his lips before it was replaced all at once by a worried frown.
"I should've done this sooner, you know?" Ryan admitted suddenly, a slight edge darkening his voice as if he was almost berating himself. "I shouldn't have tried to hold onto him. I should've just let him go. But I was too selfish and couldn't do it and…" he stopped abruptly, eyes welling with unwanted tears.
Eric was immediately in front of him, holding him close, a hand cradling the back of his head against a broad shoulder, the other circling the younger man's trembling form tightly against his steady frame, stilling him all at once.
"Shhh…" Eric whispered soothingly, planting a tender kiss against his temple. "You're not selfish, Ryan," he told him reassuringly. "We all wanted Speed back. And I'm sure everyone who cared about him had a hard time letting him go."
"But I'm not 'anyone' who really mattered, Eric," Ryan protested in between stifled sobs. "I'm nowhere near as significant as his family… or his friends," he countered. "Why couldn't I let him go like I was supposed to? Why couldn't I move on? Why couldn't I let him rest?"
"Don't say that, Ryan," Eric chastised him gently, peering into glassy eyes now. "You mattered greatly to Speed, don't you see?" Eric reasoned, trying to placate the younger man. "It's obvious that you and Speed were good friends. Otherwise, don't you think Speed wouldn't have bothered to come back time and time again just to make sure you'd be alright? Just to make sure you're going to make it?"
Ryan didn't respond to that, and Eric drew him in for another hug, letting his hand run soothing circles across the younger man's back. They stood like that for a few minutes until Eric felt Ryan pulling away, the younger man brushing the tears gone with his cuffs, with the backs of his hands. Reluctantly, he released Ryan from his embrace but not before he held him by his shoulders at arms length, giving him a curious look.
"Can I ask you something?" Eric began.
Ryan nodded mutely, sniffling as he continued to wipe at his face.
"How long has it been since the last time you were here?"
A short, weighted silence followed before the former patrol officer-turned-criminalist gave his response.
"A while," was Ryan's concise, embarrassed answer, barely able to meet the Cuban's eyes.
Not one to be easily deterred by vague responses, Eric nodded but then pressed for more specifics, "How long has it really been, Ryan? When was the last time you stopped by?"
Unable to stand Eric's questioning gaze any longer, Ryan tore his eyes away, looking down at the ground all of a sudden as his hands started to fidget anxiously.
"I, uhm…" he began timidly, his voice almost cracking, unsure as to how the Cuban would react when he finds out the truth. Swallowing hard, he dared to meet Eric's searching stare once more, "It was about two years ago," he answered, voice wavering thickly, even though he tried his best to steady it.
And Eric could see that he was struggling. He could see how vigorously the CSI was trying to not choke on the words.
"The last time I was here, they…" he paused, swallowing back the tears, "…they were burying Speed. I couldn't… I didn't… I…" he stopped once more, his chest heaving with a force as he clenched his fists and shut his eyes, trying not to relive the all-too tragic memories.
Cupping his face this time, Eric closed the distance between them and hugged the trembling man to himself.
"Shhh… It's okay, Ryan… it's okay," he cooed. "I know it's hard, baby. I'm sorry for being pushy."
Steadying himself with a deep breath, Ryan replied, "No. It's okay, Eric. I need to tell someone… I've kept this long enough."
"Ryan, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"But I want to, Eric," Ryan replied, hands coming up to rest on top of Eric's wrists. "I need to let this go… and I need you to listen," he replied, giving the Cuban an imploring look.
With a nod, Eric agreed, "Okay… I'm listening."
Securing himself with another calming breath, Ryan explained, "They were burying Speed the last time I was here," he began thickly. "And I… I left as soon as I could after the service, not long after I'd offered my condolences to Speed's parents," he confessed, eyes watching Eric's reaction closely. "I couldn't bring myself to stay behind, you know? I didn't have the nerve to wait 'til the end… to watch as they lowered Speed's casket to the ground. I just couldn't…" he trailed off again, shaking his head at the memories.
"Go on, Ryan…" Eric encouraged gently.
"I couldn't bring myself to stay, Eric," Ryan admitted brokenly. "I couldn't bring myself to watch as they put Speed into the ground. It was just too much, you know?" he sniffled, looking up into Eric's eyes as if to plead for understanding.
The Cuban nodded mutely in sympathy but didn't dare interrupt. He knew full well how difficult it had been to watch Speed's casket get lowered into the cold, impersonal earth, six feet under.
"And maybe I was still in denial at the time, but I was afraid that if I'd stayed 'til the end that it would make Speed's death all the more real. That watching them cover him with dirt would only validate that he's really dead, that he's really gone… and that he's never coming back," Ryan continued, hot tears now spilling down his face again despite his restraint. "And I just couldn't handle that, you know?"
"Ryan…" Eric tried to cut in, but the CSI inadvertently cut him off as he continued with his confession.
"I wasn't ready to accept that he's dead, Eric," Ryan admitted. "I wasn't prepared to let him go. And so, I bolted out of there like a coward and never once looked back," he explained. "I never came back," he whispered, voice wavering as he tried not to sob.
"You're not a coward, Ryan," Eric countered reassuringly. "It was difficult on all of us to accept that Speed's really gone. No one would fault you for not staying behind. It wasn't an easy thing to stick around and watch as they lay your friend to rest six feet under," Eric reasoned as delicately as he could.
"I know…" Ryan sniffled.
"Besides, the important thing is that you're here now. It took some time, Ryan, but you're here… you finally came back," Eric pointed out. "And that's all that matters now."
"I know that, Eric. It's just that… I wish I'd come back to visit a lot earlier, you know? I wish I hadn't stayed away like I did. Maybe then I would've been able to break away a lot sooner. Maybe then it would've been easier to let him go."
"Hey…" Eric reprimanded kindly, cupping Ryan's head this time in his hands, forcing him to meet his eyes. "Don't go there, Ryan. 'To each his own,' okay? You needed that time away to come to this point, and that's perfectly alright. You can't tell me that Speed minded visiting you all those times. I'm sure he missed you too."
Wiping his tear tracks away with the pads of his thumbs, Eric planted a placating kiss on top of Ryan's head before resting his forehead against the shorter man's. Closing their eyes in unison, both men stood that way for a while, letting their breaths even out to a steady rhythm, each allowing himself to find calm and solace against the other's warmth and heartbeat.
Overhead, the cheerful singsong of birds could be heard in tandem with the distant raking of fallen leaves. The morning sun continued its inevitable ascent, and a mild breeze cooled the warming surroundings to a comfortable temperature.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Eric finally asked, breaking his hold of the younger man after a while. "You sure you're ready to say good-bye?"
With another deep breath and a thoughtful nod, Ryan replied, "Yeah… I want to do this, Eric. I need to do this. I can't say I'm absolutely ready, but… I think I'm ready enough," he answered, smiling faintly up at the Cuban. "I've put this off for far too long," he reminded. "It's high time I give this the closure it needs. I owe Speed that much."
"Alright," Eric smiled approvingly. "Want me to come along?"
A grateful smile tugged on Ryan's lips at the generous offer, but he shook his head, saying, "Thanks, but no… I'm pretty sure I need to do this on my own."
"Whatever you need, babe," Eric replied, winking as he returned the smile. "I'll wait for you right here, okay?"
"Okay," Ryan replied, nodding once more.
With one last reassuring hug, Eric dropped a gentle peck on his lover's lips, giving him a brief, meaningful look before letting him go completely. He watched as the younger man quickly bent down to pick up the two items he had previously set on the ground next to their feet when they had first arrived, and he took a couple of steps to the side to let him pass, noticing with hidden concern how Ryan was trudging slowly but purposefully towards his intended mark – the gravesite where their friend, Timothy Speedle, was laid to rest.
Reaching the site finally, Ryan closed his eyes and hung his head low, allowing a few seconds of airy silence to pass by before drawing in a heavy breath and opening his eyes, looking down and reading for the first time the simple inscription carved on his friend's headstone:
Timothy Speedle
1973 - 2004
"Beloved and Lost Son"
"Oh, Speed…" Ryan found himself uttering faintly, leaden tears filling his eyes to the brim, threatening to spill over once more.
He shook his head rapidly, fighting to blink back the burning swell, even as his mind involuntarily recalled the tragic turn of events that had lead to his beloved friend's untimely demise.
"I'm so sorry it's taken me until now to come here," he began in earnest. "I'm sorry for being such a coward, for staying away as long as I did… Some friend I was, huh?" he asked, chuckling dimly at the irony.
Sinking carefully to his knees, he picked up the first of the two items he'd taken with him to the gravesite: a simple but lovely spring bouquet filled with an assortment of buds, some in mid-bloom, some just beginning to blossom.
His hands began to work automatically, removing the floral arrangement from its blue and white paper wrapping before folding and stuffing the now-empty parchment back into the pocket of his jeans. And having done that, he set about depositing the flowers neatly, reverently, inside the empty vase sitting in front of the white headstone.
"God, I miss you so much!" the words spilled out of him in a hurried hush before he could sit back on his heels. "Even now, I'm still wishing that this isn't real. That I'd wake up one day, and you'd be here laughing and telling me that I was crazy for thinking you were dead. That you were too busy to die, and that you still had the rest of your life to live," he carried on, smiling at the imagined scene playing before his mind's eye.
Around him, a gust of wind blew past as if to snatch away the happy but improbable wishful thinking. And all at once, the gloom of reality had set in once again, the smile, fleeting and wistful, disappearing from his face, only to be replaced by a dismal sigh.
"But we both know that that's not the case, don't we?" he stated more than asked. "No matter how hard I wish it, you're still gone, Speed… and you're not coming back."
With a heavy hand, Ryan reached up to brush away a stray piece of dried leaf that had landed on top of the headstone, before letting his hands run numbly along the engraved channels of each lettering, fingers tracing lightly, painstakingly, as if he were carving out the inscription himself.
"I wish I was just telling you good-bye, as in 'See you later, Speed,' like I'd done so many times in the past, but I know that's not what this is," he continued, voice quivering as he spoke in a hushed tone. "Because it's finally come to this, hasn't it? It's time I let you go, as you said, old friend… It's time for me to say good-bye."
On his face, a lone tear now dribbled down his cheek, unnoticed as he sat back on his heels once more, fingers now mapping out the cool earth underneath, the single tear falling and kissing the ground like fresh dew on a leaf's first spring morning – a sign of a brand new beginning.
"You won't have to worry about me anymore," Ryan stated, as if to reassure himself more than anything. "Because you're right… I've finally found my way again. You kept telling me that I would. You believed that I would, and… I did. Finally, I did," he added.
Memories flooded his mind once more of the countless times the older man had told him that he wouldn't be lost for long, and he shook his head at how obstinate he'd been, brushing off Speed's assurances and stubbornly denying what his friend believed would one day come true.
"You've given me the confident assurance I needed to be free from all the fears that had bogged me down, all the insecurities that had plagued me for the past two years. You've freed me up to let you go, Speed," he said, a small, momentary smile tugging on his lips before his expression turned somber again. "You've freed me up to say good-bye.
He closed his eyes and breathed in, shutting out the rest of his surroundings as he imagined his scruffy friend kneeling right in front of him, watching him, observing… listening as he recited with difficulty his farewell.
"Thanks for everything, Speed," Ryan uttered softly after a while. "Thanks for looking out for me."
This time, he felt an unusually warm breeze pass by, almost encircling him. And keeping his eyes shut, he lifted his head to the sky, soaking in the strange but familiar sense of comfort he had, by now, come to know so well – a feeling he could only describe as being in the heartening presence of his mentor and good friend.
"I won't forget you, Speed," Ryan promised, his voice breaking at last, choking at the finality of the words. "And our friendship's not over just because our journey ends here, right?" he stated more than asked. "No… I'll always remember and cherish our friendship. What we had won't ever be over and done," he paused once more, whispering the heartfelt words he'd avoided saying until now, "'Cause it isn't over, Speed… It's never over when it's just good-bye."
Opening his eyes finally, Ryan picked up the second item he'd taken with him, setting the small picture frame he'd once kept sitting on top of his mantle gently against the marble headstone – proof that he was finally willing to let his friend go.
Of course, the irony of the photograph wasn't lost on Ryan or Speed – the event that had been captured on it was the first time he'd ever set foot on the manicured grounds of Dade Memorial Cemetery, dressed in his color guard uniform and armed with a blank-shot rifle that would announce with a thunderous bang to the world and everyone present that Timothy Speedle was dead.
Only… he'd run away the first chance he got, too afraid to face the harshness of reality, of grief overpowering, too distressed to want to taste the bitter heartache of losing a close friend.
And today… well, today was the first time he'd ever come back to visit where Speed's body lay. Today marked the first time in two years that he could actually bid his friend good-bye, bringing healing and overdue closure to a once-gaping wound, and fulfilling his last promise at length to the ghost of his old friend.
"Good-bye, Timothy Speedle," Ryan said at long last, his voice surprisingly steady despite the heavy ache in his chest. "Rest in peace, my good friend. I'll see you again... someday," he said, halting briefly once more as he considered what he was saying. "Yeah… Someday… But not yet."
He smiled then, feeling as if the heaviness that had been weighing him down for the past two years had finally been lifted off his tired shoulders. He stood up finally, slowly… wiping away any traces of tears from his face, before taking the time to brush the dirt from his knees.
When he was done, he turned around at last and walked back to where he had left Eric, the Cuban meeting him halfway, capturing him in a warm, consoling embrace, before releasing him to cup his face again.
"Was it difficult?" It was Eric's turn to ask this time, searching the younger man's eyes for answers. "Was it hard to say good-bye?"
Smiling generously for the first time since Speed's death, Ryan replied, "I can't say it was easy, Eric," he began in all mock seriousness, causing Eric's face to split into a lopsided smirk as he caught on to what Ryan was saying. "But I knew he was there when I did it. I knew he was listening to every word I said… and that made it easier somehow," he answered verbatim.
They shared a brief chuckle before Eric moved in to press their lips softly together. Their kiss was neither long nor short, neither hungry nor blasé, but it was chaste and tender and everything that two bereaved men needed to attest to their shared mourning over a mutual friend's death, their shared healing of wounds long dressed and redressed, and their shared hope for a new beginning as they look into their future together in light of the shadows of the past.
Breaking apart finally, Eric dropped one last kiss onto Ryan's forehead before wrapping a reassuring arm around his shoulder. And turning to leave at last, they trudged along together, heads bowed down in contemplative silence, each marveling at the extraordinary turn of events, at how vastly different things were now from what they used to be back then…
Back when Speed was still alive and the curves that they'd been traveling on were straight, and things were so simple and so uncomplicated and so easy to see.
But then in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Speed died. And all at once, that straight and simple curve had transformed into an agonizingly twisted line – one that Ryan Wolfe had had to travel in pained silence and secreted grief… alone. And Eric hadn't known any better about the younger man's friendship with Speed.
But now, things were different once again. And that same twisted line had now been redrawn by ghostly fingers, fashioned out of loss over a friend's untimely death and gain over finding love overdue, orchestrated from beyond the grave to become the straight curve it had once been.
Except this time… Ryan knew that he need not walk alone anymore. He might not have Speed there to guide him along the way, but he had Eric in his life now. Speed had made sure of that.
Eric, whom he had become fast friends with all of a sudden.
Eric, who had already staked a claim to his heart long before either of them had the nerve to give voice to their feelings.
Eric, who was now walking alongside him, holding his hand, twining their fingers together, keeping him close as only a lover would do.
"Eric…" Ryan nearly gasped, unsure of what to think as he froze suddenly in his tracks…
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TBCThe Penguins wanted to know if anyone guessed correctly what Ryan's unfinished business was before reading this chapter.
So… Did you?
A/N: Aaargh!! You know what? Don't listen to me anymore. That's right. Just… ignore my promises for last chapters and bringing this story to a close. That was quite wicked where I'd left it off, wasn't it? Just dropped it and left it hanging there, huh? Well, I'm really sorry… I should've known better than to give name to the number of chapters this story would have, especially when the penguins responsible have a mind of their own. So… shall we dare say, 'one more chapter and that would be the end of it' again? No more promises this time. Let's just wait and see how the penguins behave, eh?