FYH Outtake 3

Esme's story

I've never felt like I was a failure before this happened. But I am. The proof is that my son felt that he had no choice but to run away from me and start a new life that I am not a part of. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he is doing or if he is safe. I do know that he married the young lady that he ran off with. My oldest son and his wife were allowed to meet up with them and Rose has just been gushing about how wonderful Bella is and how evident it is that they are truly in love and soul mates.

I am happy for him, really I am, but that doesn't mean that I am not upset or hurt about missing the wedding. I also know that it is entirely my fault. I did this. I have had the chance through my individual therapy sessions and those with Carlisle to see all the times that I had a chance to change things but chose to ignore my son's pleadings, if only I'd have listened to Edward just once. But eventually he stopped trying to talk about it so I thought that he was fine with what was happening.

All that I could see was that Tanya reminded me so much of her mother. She was the spitting image of her in looks and in personality, it was like having Carmen with me still and when I spent time with Tanya, it was like I really had my best friend back with me again. The really surprising part is the amount of times that my therapist has to correct me when I refer to Tanya as Carmen and Carlisle confirmed that I've done that numerous times over the years as well.

So here I sit in another therapy session confessing all my sins, some of which Edward doesn't know about and I pray that he never finds out about. They were the thoughts and actions of a sick woman. And I am not that woman anymore. Well, I am trying not to be at any rate.

"You said last time that your son doesn't know some of the worst things that you did regarding him. Can you elaborate this week?"

"I paid Tanya's sisters to chase off any girls that might have shown an interest in Edward. I didn't want them distracting his attention away from Tanya."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I am sickened that I stooped to such low levels to control my son."

"Did you do anything like this with your other children?"

"No, just Edward."

"Why just him? Was there a reason that you singled him out?"

"He was Tanya's age and Emmett was already taken by Rose by that time."

"You told me that you pushed for the union because you promised your friend that you would take care of her daughters if she died. Do you think she would have approved of what happened?"

"No. If Carmen was here she would have been appalled and sickened by the things that I have done. Hell, she would have been appalled and sickened at the things that her daughter did."

"I thought you said that Tanya was a lot like Carmen?"

"I thought that she was but it was all an act. She had me and my husband totally fooled. Our children saw through her lies but we just wouldn't listen to them and if I had my Edward would still be here." I had started crying by this point. He handed me a box of Kleenex and asked if I needed a break. I told him that I was fine to continue as we didn't have much time left in the session anyway.

From there we talked about how Edward had allowed Emmett to give me his new cell phone number. I was glad that he didn't ask for the old phone back. I had to have to it turned off because Tanya and her sisters had had the audacity to call it several times.

I debated over that decision for days before finally asking my therapist and the rest of the family if it was reverting back to my controlling nature to make that decision. Everyone assured me that it wasn't and that a decision did need to get made and since Edward couldn't be reached it was acceptable for me to make that decision.

That has been the one side effect of realizing how controlling I was being and now I am continually scared that any decision that I make will hurt someone that I love. Carlisle told me that continuing the therapy will give me the tools that I need to combat that because that new fear of alienating people by controlling them reaches back to the original fear that I develop of losing people in general. The doctor calls it ammidyphobia, it's the fear of losing someone you love. Then he says I still have plenty of grieving to work through.

Like dealing with my mother's death for the first time since it happened. We were very close and I was an only child. My father had died several years previous and she was the only family that I had left beside my husband and children. And so when everything happened at once I pretty much became lost to this affliction as he calls it. He was proud that I hadn't used the number yet to call it showed that I was gaining a great deal of power over my fears by exercising that restraint and respecting Edward's boundaries, but thought that a text within the next few days wouldn't hurt. He advised me to keep our lines of communication open to encourage the healing of our relationship.

His assignment for me for the week was to consider what one thing that Edward didn't know that I did, that he doesn't know about that I would confess to the next time that he made contact with me. I had to come clean with Edward if we were going to have any chance to repair the damage to our relationship. Little did I know that that conversation was going to happen sooner than I had anticipated.

I had to stop by the craft store on my way home and pick up some more supplies for a project that I was working on and the phone was ringing as I entered the house. I could hear Carlisle answering it as I set my packages on the table.

"Oh, Edward! I am so happy you called. How are you? How is Bella?" I heard my husband exclaim. Knowing that Edward was on the phone right now filled me with both excitement and dread. I was thrilled to know that he was alright but I knew that I would have to have a very difficult discussion with him and risk pushing him further away. Part of me wished that Carlisle wasn't going to be here to this conversation but the better part of me knew that it would be better to get it in the open with everyone involved.

I had kept secrets for far too long and it has damn near destroyed my marriage and my whole family. It was time that I owned up to my problems and faced them before I ended up losing my husband and what was left of my family.

Our anniversary dinner was by far the worst in the twenty nine years that we had been married. The only good part of it was when Emmett and Rose showed up absolutely thrilled about the phone call they had received from Edward and the subsequent trip that they were about to take to meet up with them. Where we normally would have thrown a big party and invited all of our friends to celebrate with us, this year we opted just to have the kids over for a quiet dinner. It was a subdued affair and it really fit the atmosphere that had been surrounding us since Edward left.

The basket that they made for us was simply beautiful and the initials and the date of our anniversary made even Carlisle tear up. I immediately placed it in our sitting room where we could look at it every day. And I would have a piece of the two of them near me every day as well.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Carlisle greeting Bella. I wondered briefly if I was going to get a chance to talk the two of them. I had wondered what she must think of me. I knew deep down that the impression that she must have of me must not be a good one. I had asked Rose and Emmett about it when they got back but they only gave me vague answers and changed the subject, so I knew that I was right on some level.

While Carlisle talked to Bella on the phone I went and make the both of us drinks and settled in beside him sorting through the purchases that I had made earlier that day. My husband tapped me on the shoulder pointing to one item and I shrugged and mouthed "Wishful thinking" and he just nodded and continued on with his conversation while continued what I was doing until I heard him say that I was sitting right beside him and then he held the phone out to me saying that Edward wanted to talk to me. I grabbed the phone immediately inquiring for myself if they were alright.

"I'm fine mom. Bella is nursing a sprained ankle though." And then he proceeded to tell me how it was his fault and how he made her lose her balance and I heard her in the background denying that it was his fault and was just her balance issues at play.

Then he told me that Bella had requested to meet me, and my hopes of getting to finally meet my new daughter in law for myself skyrocketed for about a nanosecond before he continued on saying that he just wasn't ready to see me and my heart fell. He was still angry. But he called and that was important and he called with the intention of letting Bella meet us this way. I would take it. At this point I would take being in his life anyway that he would let me. And now there was something that I had to do, that would anger him more and possibly push him away again.

"Edward, I have something that I need to confess to you in regards to your relationship with Tanya and it's not going to make you happy. In fact I know that it's going to hurt you when I tell you, but my therapist has taught me that there is no way we can truly fix things between us if I keep things like this things secret. I need to confess my sins to be forgiven."

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line, then "Go ahead. I think I know what it is so let's talk this out and then I'll give the phone to Bella so that she can at least get the chance to speak to you."

"Ok. You know in high school, how girls seemed to avoid you? That was my doing. I paid Kate and Irina to scare them off. I am ashamed of myself for doing it and for turning a blind eye if some girl got beat up because she wouldn't listen."

"That was because of you!" he hissed out. "Do you realize what that did to my self-esteem, Mother! DO YOU!" He was angry. He was really angry.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me and I never should have done any of it. And I'll never do anything like that again, I promise." Carlisle got up and walked out of the room at this point and heard him slam the door to his office a moment later.

"Jesus Christ mom. That wasn't even what I was talking about. What else have to done to screw up my life?"

"Edward, I have committed many sins against you and some of them I will never be able to atone for but I love you and I never, ever meant for you to get hurt like that. I know that it's no excuse but I didn't really realize what I was doing. I didn't realize the pain that I was causing you or everyone else in the family."

"I know mom," he sighed, "And I have thought about this a lot and deep down I have to admit that if we hadn't been at that hotel that night, if things hadn't happened the way that they did, I may never have met Bella and I can't imagine spending one day without her now."

"Yes. There is that, at least we can say that at least one positive thing did come out of this mess. It makes me so happy that you have found such happiness with Bella. Rose and Emmett just adored her. But while we're talking about this may I ask what were you though that I was going to say?"

"About three months before the wedding, Tanya and I were discussing apartments and she was drinking heavily as usual and being nasty to me as again she usually was when she wasn't around you and dad. Well, she was pointing out all the reasons that she believed that no one but her would ever put up with me and the shit that came along with me, like you. She told me, well, she told me that you were intending to move to New Hampshire with us. Is that true?"

"No, Edward. That's not exactly right. I wasn't planning to move in with you exactly."

"You mean you weren't planning to have a room at our apartment? What were your plans exactly?"

"Well, yes I was planning on having the room set up there. But I was only intending to visit maybe every other week. It was a huge stretch for me to let you go that far away but for once your father had put his foot down and insisted that I not interfere with his plans for you to follow in his footsteps. But I figured that if I had a room there, I could come and visit if I grew too anxious and it got too much for me and maybe by being there in the apartment I could help out a little. But not move in with you. I am sorry that she gave you that impression. I have learned a lot about my issues in therapy and I still have a ways to go but I am trying to be a better person Edward. I don't want to lose you completely"

I told him about the issue with his old phone and how I was going to throw it away but decided to just store it until he could decide what to do with it. He was shocked to say the least that she would have the audacity to try to contact him but then again she did not know that he got married to Bella either.

Then he told me that I had given him a lot to think about and he would really have to think it all through before he could honestly say that he forgave me for the things that I confessed to today but that he had resolved to forgive all of us and attempt to mend his relationships with us but it was just going to take time. And I was ok with that. I really was. Then he told me that he was going to give the phone to Bella and go to take a shower and that he did love me and would talk to me again sometime soon.

Then the prettiest voice came on the other line. "Mrs. Cullen. I am so happy that I finally have the chance to talk to you and get to know you."

Bella and I talked for about an hour getting to know each other. She told me about growing up in the small town of Forks, Washington and about her parents. She was adamant that I know that she was in no way after the family's money; I already knew that of course. I already knew about the way that her parents had died. But I listened to her patiently and every second that she went on about her parents or the Webbers that took her in, I realized just what it was that made my son fall in love with her so quickly and follow her blindly the way that he did.

She was one of the kindest people that I had ever met. I could tell just by that one conversation that she was a beautiful person not only in appearance, which I already knew from seeing pictures of her, but deep in her soul as well. I also knew that my son was right about something else too, her immense compassion was going to make her a wonderful mother one day.

Then, after the initial discussion centering on getting to know each other, we had to approach some more difficult topics. She told me that she was trying not to let skewed impressions of me jade her own opinions of me and that is why she wanted to talk to me herself.

I told her how grateful that I was that she came around when she did. She saved my son from me and some huge mistakes that I was forcing on him. I also told her that by saving him by extension she saved our whole family including myself. I don't think that I would have ever admitted that I needed help if she hadn't come into our lives and opened our eyes to what was going on and rescued my son. I told her that Edward was happier than he had ever been and that is one hundred percent due to her and that I was proud to call her my daughter now.

Now she was crying. She told me before we ended the conversation that she loved Edward with all her heart and promised to take good care of him while they were traveling and for the rest of their lives and that she looked forward to meeting me in person one day. We ended the call with both of us still crying and I set the phone down and sighed and stood to make my way down to my husband's office. Now I needed to deal with his anger with me and attempt to make amends with him.

A/N:

Wow that was long. Once Esme got to start talking she wouldn't shut up. But I hope that this explains where Esme has been coming from, she's not a bad person, she is just not mentally healthy at this point. I am not a mental health professional so please do not get mad at me if I got it the therapy part wrong. I have a few more outtakes in my head that I want to write so keep a look out for them.