FYH Outtake 11

Esme

I closed my eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. There is this strange whooshing noise pounding in my head and everyone's voices seemed garbled, like they talking under water, which is fitting because I feel like I am drowning. This has to be a nightmare that I am going to wake up from any minute now, because he can't be gone. My husband, my soul mate cannot be gone. How am I supposed to survive this?

My eyes shoot open when I feel someone touch my hand. I become aware that I am sitting in a chair in a hospital waiting room and there are tears streaming down my face. Dr. Tom Harrison, a good friend of ours, is squatting in front of me with a concerned look on his face. At that moment, I realize that this is not a nightmare; I have lost my dear Carlisle.

I looked to my left to see Emmett, my oldest child, is sitting beside me. His hand had grabbed onto mine a moment ago. His very pregnant wife, Rose, was sitting on the other side of me. As I look down at her swollen stomach, it is at that moment it dawns on me that Carlisle will never get to hold his granddaughter and I start crying harder.

The next thing that I know, I am sitting in my living room in my house with no recollection of how I got there. Everything has been a blur since I was called and told that Carlisle had had a heart attack. Rose hands me a cup of herbal tea and I notice that my Alice is here. I don't remember her arriving. But it doesn't matter. It is too late…she is too late. She has missed him. She has lost her father and she didn't get to say goodbye.

Everything around me is becoming more focused and clear and time starts moving again. Rose kisses me on the cheek and tells me that she needs to rest and she heads upstairs to Emmett's bedroom for a nap. I hear the other three talking about who is going to pick up Edward and Bella from the airport and who will stay behind to watch over Rose and me. Part of me feels like arguing and screaming that I do not need a babysitter but I can't muster the energy to speak up. Mostly, I am just numb but, part of me is just relieved that Edward and Bella were coming home to me. I need all of my children with me right now.

The rest of the day passed in the same blur of activity and I remained sitting in my chair long after all of my children went to bed. I could not bring myself to go upstairs and lie in the bed that Carlisle and I had shared. I spent the whole night sitting in my chair in the living room until the first light of the morning hit and I dragged myself into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and an important phone call.

She had heard about Carlisle's passing through the grapevine at the hospital, "I've been expecting your call. I am so sorry about Carlisle. I just can't believe it. How are you holding up?"

"Not good. I don't know how to live without him. I don't know how to do this," I sob into the phone.

"That is what I am here for, Esme. We will figure this out together. I am here for you anytime you need to talk. And I mean anytime. Have Edward and Alice made it back yet?"

"Yes. All my children have come home."

"That's good. You are all going to need each other for support and comfort right now."

We spent the next half hour on the phone while she reminded me of all the tools that I had learned in therapy, learning how to let go of my children, leaving them to live their own lives, and how to cope with loss. I had just ended the call and slipped the phone into my pocket when Bella walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. As she talked to me briefly, before heading outside to sit in the fresh air, I became concerned with how off her coloring was.

Edward came down a few minutes later and when I mentioned that Bella looked off and asked if she was ill, he said that he hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary, except that all of the traveling had her more tired than usual since her bout with bronchitis a few weeks back. I disagreed with that assumption that it was just exhaustion, but decided to keep my thoughts to myself until I had a chance to observe her a little more.

I have absolutely no idea from where Emmett pulled his height and weight. He was definitely much larger than Carlisle or even either of his grandfathers. It had always been difficult trying to fit him into clothes, even as a child, but I just wasn't in the mood to deal with it today and I was getting increasingly more irritated the longer that I had to stay at that mall looking for a suit. I knew deep down that it was irrational but all I really wanted to do; was curl up in my chair in the living room with a cup of tea and forget about everything.

I had been watching Bella all morning. I had also been watching Edward watching her just as closely. As the morning went on, it was more than obvious to me what was going on. It was the first glimmer of hope that I had had in the last couple days that I could be happy about anything again. By the time that she passed out, I am sure that neither Edward nor I believed she was suffering from jet lag. I really did not need Dr. Snow's medical tests to tell me what I had already figured out on my own, Bella was pregnant.

Bella's reaction to the news, however, was quite amusing. It was obvious that the poor girl never suspected anything. I knew that once she got over the initial shock she was going to be very excited about being a mom. This baby was my sign from Carlisle that our lives would continue to go on without him. It was also the moment that I finally understood what my therapist had been trying to get me to understand for months, that while my children needed me in their lives and they loved me, they were adults who were starting families and didn't necessary need me in their daily lives. I didn't need them in my daily life. All I needed to know was that they were happy and healthy I had to live a life that was separate from my children just as much as they had to live lives that were separate from mine. And while it would be easy to give into my fears of being alone and cling to my children, especially given Bella's reaction to the news, I would not allow myself to do so.

I really did not know how I was going live without Carlisle by my side, but I really did not have a choice. I could barely breathe and yet I had to make plans to face the world on my own.

After spending another night sitting up alone in my chair in the living room, while my children and their spouses slept peacefully upstairs I had decided on the path that I was going to take to start healing.

Carlisle and I had book a cruise and I was going to keep my plans. I was sure that that is what he would want me to do. It is what I would want him to do if was me that had died. I would not want him to plaster himself into a chair in the living room and whither away. I would want him to live and find happiness. Somehow. Somewhere. Someday.

A/N:

Thank you for reading. A regular update will be coming soon.