Tales From The Teal Star
Story I: Executor Escapades
A Star Wars Spoof
By Hugomatio (A.K.A. - Marly_Hugo35), bugsbunny7117, AND MANY OTHERS!
You know the spiel, I do not own any trademarked items mentioned in this RP. As this is a spoof things are going to happen in extremely bizarre ways and totally different from the story line.
This spoof in particular is taken from a roleplay the people listed above and I did over Neopets. Now on to the participaters...
Marly_Hugo35 (Me) - Darth Vader, Sam, Janitor #6, and Ima Rebel
bugsbunny7117 - The Emperor, Chef, and Captain Piett
"Boldly fighting in useless armor, for the betterment of ourselves, whilst dishonorably fighting to defend the rights you don't really have!" - The Imperial Motto
So, with all that stuff covered on to the story... please rate, comment, stuff like that, and cue the scrolling words of explanation...
STAR WARS
TALES FROM THE TEAL STAR
STORY II
EXECUTOR ESCAPADES
It is a period of surprisingly uncivil war. Rebel
forces have recently destroyed the Death Star,
a space station that had the power to... Oh who
am I kidding you already know all of that stuff.
What you probably don't know, but will be told
in the following story, is that after the Death Star
was destroyed the surviving Imperial fleet was
forced to take refuge on Vader's ship The Executor.
However, things are not all starships and lollipops.
With the entire surviving fleet aboard the ship things
have gotten crowded. Not to mention that strange and
unusual happenings have been going on... Maybe... Read on...
The Executor, The Crown-Jewel Of Imperial engineering, slid silently through the space above Utapau... Silent because sound doesn't travel in the vast vacuum of space, but either way, on board what was left of the Imperial command after the Death Star explosion were living... all of them... from every base...
"Dark Lord's Log... Day 136," Vader said as he typed on the holo-journal, "We've been floating through space for some time now without any signs of life. Baseline emotion: Anger at Sam and my Son... might kill both by the end of this..." "Lord Vader?," said a short, rotund officer as he reached the door to the Sith Lord's chambers. "Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtooper? ...No really, who authorized you?," Vader said standing up and walking towards the door. "Um... you did sir..." "PALPATINE!"
Palpatine was in quite the mood himself. Did those blasted rebels have any idea how long that stupid thing took to build? Then one of them got the brilliant idea to go blowing it up on him. BOOM! In one tiny moment, all of his dreams were evaporated, gone, kaplooie! How was he supposed to get anything done when they had THAT kind of attitude...No, he should rephrase that thought. How was he supposed to make sure everyone else got everything he told them to done if they had that kind of attitude? It made him sick. Stupid little people seizing the day. And now, to make things ever so much worse, they were all crammed into the Executor until they got the mess cleaned up enough that he could go home while they built the new one. To be fair, the Executor was a massive ship...but
trying to cram this many people onto it made him downright claustrophobic! He was on his way to see his apprentice already, but he threw up his hands in frustration as he heard his name called angrily. "HOLD YOUR TAUNTAUNS I'M COMIN'!" He stomped into Vader's quarters, not bothering to try and even remotely conceal the huff he was in. "What?" he snapped.
"I have had it up to here with you cutting corners to save up enough credits for your next Death Star! First you authorize armor that can't even stop a wiffle ball! Then you authorize troopers who don't meet the requirements! What's next? Passing TIE-Fighters with only one wing?! We're not the rebels, we don't have that kind of technology!," Vader exclaimed.
Palpatine rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh. "Well I'm sorry, what else am I supposed to do when a quarter of the galaxy decides to stop paying their taxes, pull it out of my nose? I may be a mighty and powerful Sith lord, but dagnabbit, if I could do that, I would have done it a long time ago and saved myself wampa's worth of trouble!" He threw up his hands in frustration. "Besides, somebody insisted that reading was important! Couldn't stop ordering books for the troopers and officers or anything." He crossed his arms.
"Well, I'm tired of this corner cutting, maybe the rebels would take us more seriously if we didn't throw faulty equipment at them," Vader said as he left the room, "Now Short Round what did you want?" "The Captain wants to speak with the two of you on the bridge..." "Well that was a waste of your doughy legs, I was just headed that way... Come on Steven..."
Palpatine gave another huff. "Oh Great, now Piett's on our case. What does he want...Twenty credits says he's going to complain about Ozzel...Not that I don't sympathize. Why'd I hire him again?" He rolled his eyes. He plodded along behind Vader, hunched more than usual in his exceedingly grumpy mood. Would it have really been so bad for the Rebels to have NOT blown the whole thing to smithereens?
"Well, at that the time he had a brilliant architect with a whole career ahead of him lined up to design the thing... now the architect's a million tiny pieces with the whole universe ahead of him...,"Vader said as the glass lift came down before him. "After you Steven," Vader said stepping aside for the Sith Lord, "And my credits say it's about Sam's last minute changes to the deign..."
Steven shook his head. "Nah...I'll bet...Well, maybe...who knows?" He shrugged as he stepped into the glass lift. "Yeah...that's true...Maybe even Ozzel can do things right sometimes...I still blame him for putting that exhaust vent there though...stupid, moronic...dumb..." he proceeded to mutter about the mustachioed admiral as he stood in the lift, even if he did have to concede to admiring his choice of architect.
Vader entered the lift as well, pushing the button as they slowly ascended, "We might even be over reacting my master and this is just a meeting about getting more supplies at the next port..."
Palpatine looked to Vader sidelong, looking a bit bemused. "I'm a Sith lord and the emperor of the entire galaxy. It is my job to overreact, my apprentice," he said with a smirk. He shrugged. "You might be right though. He leaned against the wall of the elevator, watching the world slip past them and finally stepped out when it came to a halt on the bridge level. "Let's go and find out."
"Lift Arriving At The Bridge! Please remove all personal belongings from the lift and enjoy your stay!," a cheery voice said as they exited. "Excuse me sir, who owns that voice?," Vader asked a trooper. "That's Joann in accounting..." "Joann in accounting... Well tell her she's fired for her overly cheerfulness," Vader said as he approached the captain, "Good day sir..."
Palpatine looked to Vader and almost decided to make some statement about a cheery voice increasing morale...and then decided he was right. Too cheery, absolutely despicable. He shook his head in practical disgust. He looked to the Captain and nodded.
Piet nodded quickly to the both of them. "Lord Vader, Your Majesty. We seem to be having a few problems that I think you should be aware of..."
"A few... problems? I swear Piet if this is another reprimand for killing an intern for not putting two sugars in my coffee, I think you should be aware that Steven here has been killing troopers for years just to save a few credits," Vader said as turned away from them and breathed, "Now... where were we?
The captain blinked and then rolled his eyes a bit. "No, M'lord, I'm afraid I'm actually quite serious. A few of the crew have been saying that...rather odd things are happening as of late..."
Palpatine actually laughed out loud at this statement. "This is news? Come on, do you remember what happened in the lunchroom last week? There was nearly a new civil ar over the length of the Taco line!"
And before that they were all complaining about how the staff Evil-Mail was about new regulations in the kitchen forcing us to only serve tapioca pudding," Vader said, "Please Piett these things do happen..."
The captain shook his head, "No, but M'lord, not like that. Like...like things moving when no one's looking and glitches in programming that made no sense to anyone including the IT department.
Palpatine looked nothing but skeptical at this. "OK..."
The captain frowned a bit. "I didn't believe them either, Until I found my in-box this morning was full of nothing but static messages..."
"You try my patience Piett," Vader said as he looked around the bridge, "You speak like a man who has found himself amongst a communion of ghosts and can not explain his reason for being there. Give me conclusive evidence or you will be forgiven!"
The captain took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. He walked over to one of the screens and pulled up the computers. The machine functioned as he should have for a moment...and then flickered like no tomorrow. "This is one of the machines we had looked at an hour ago." He said flatly. "So, tell me this: if we've had this machine just looked at, what's going on?" he asked slowly.
"You downloaded RaveLighting Pro 2000? Oh my force, I have wanted that forever, jealous...," Vader said as he came over to inspect the computer, "Oh no, that's StrobeCore 100 only the Rebels have that outdated technology..."
The captain blinked in confusion and peered at the screen. "No one should have downloaded that..." he muttered to himself, honestly a bit bewildered.
Palpatine was looking at the screen as well, but he tilted his head. "Vader...If only the Rebels have it...what's it doing on the Captain's screen...Hey! You're not a Rebel sympathizer, are you?" he asked accusingly.
"What!? No!"
"I'm sure that's not it... but it is strange...," Vader said as he typed on the keypad. After several seconds of staring at the screen he stood up, "Looks like a trooper named Ima Rebel downloaded it earlier...," Vader said as he rubbed his temples, "I don't even know an Ima..."
Palptine perked up a bit. "I got a call from an Ivanna once."
The Captain looked to him in confusion, brow furrowed.
The Emperor kept going. "Ivanna Shakemyhtailfeathers. My secretary told me I got a call from her down in advertising once...she never answered when I got there. Never knew what she wanted..." He wilted a bit in confusion as he finished.
Piett only stared.
"Ivanna... That's a name I haven't heard since... back when she was Ivanna DanceWitSomebody," Vader said as he looked around the bridge again, "Maybe we should go talk to Sam and see if he can announce it?" "ATTENTION! THE WHIPED CREAM VATS HAVE RUPTURED, ALL LOWER LEVELS ARE OFFICIALLY UNDER LOCK DOWN!"
Piett put his head in his hands, shaking his head.
Steven looked up as the announcement came on and then looked grumpily to the speaker. "Oh, come on, really?"
It was just then that a shockingly angry Chef stormed in. "Vader I am DONE! Did you hear that announcement? Their cooking techniques around here are all haywire! For Force sake man!"
"Calm down sir, who do you think you are?," Vader said as he looked to the chef, "You are still a trooper like the others, until you prove to me your cooking skill in the frozen wasteland of Hoth, you follow the current chef's orders!" He then pushed a button and the Vadermobile lifted out of the ground, "Thank Force it made it!"
The Chef wilted but took a deep breath and put his hand over his face. He was right. He was still new here, so he'd just have to work with it. "Alright, OK, fair enough, I apologize sir. You have to understand, I haven't been able to cook a decent meal in over a week, and I can't move my elbows without running into someone." He brought his arms back, palms up in an appealing manner, and, in doing so, slammed an elbow into the captain's stomach. He looked back as he heard the wind rush out of the other man's lungs. "You see what I mean? A lot of us have been put...a littleon edge by all of this."
Palpatine shook his head. "Oh, just hush and get in while you're here. Captain, you come too."
Still holding his stomach, the captain followed them into the Vadermobile
"Now if they got my memo right this thing should have been supped up," Vader said as he activated the air lock and the windows closed, "Here we go!" The cart then took off in an instant as the elevator doors opened and they flew straight through the glass. The doors closed behind them instantly as the ship's gravity pulled them down onto the surface of the ship, "Well, which way now?"
The Chef, still very new to this, gripped the seat tightly as they flew through the glass, the three passengers in little cart were shaking by the time they landed on the ships hull, not a one of them expecting quite what just happened.
The Chef remained silent, and Palpatine's teeth were chattering loudly, but, with a bit of effort the captain managed to find his voice. "L-L-Left M'lord."
"Left right here?," Vader asked as he turned quickly, bringing the cart onto two wheels before it glassed through an observation window into an aerobic class. "Ready ok and one and two and one and... VADER!" "Just passing through Richard!," Vader said as he drove the cart through the field of yoga mats.
"Yes, right- hng!" grunted the captain as the right side of the cart lifted off the ground underneath him.
The Chef also grunted, but went more wide eyed as they passed through the aerobics class. "How did you manage to get-" He shook his head at himself. "Lord Vader! Those people are all going to get sucked out into space!" he cried in a panic.
Steven just covered his head with his hood.
"Nonsense," Vader said as he crashed through the glass on the other side and both windows were covered in blast doors, "You said right, right?" He then turned right suddenly and then shot off, ramping off an exhaust cover and flying through the glass of the tennis courts, "Well this isn't right either Piett..." The glass was replaced by the blast doors as Vader drove through a net, tearing the poles from the ground and dragging them behind as the net clung to the grill for dear life. "Well it's a miracle we didn't run over Venus... Just standing there like that...," Vader said as the cart rushed through the doors and out into the hallway. "Now where?," Vader said turning left and rushing off down the hall.
The Chef and the captain were both, by this point, clinging to their seats for dear life, but in a stroke of good luck, the captain actually knew where they were (Not nearly so surprising when one considers that the ship is usually observed by it's captain from the inside). He perked up a bit, looking around as they rushed through the hallways. "Ah, take a right up here and then you'll need to head down...there's an elevator or a set of stairs at then ed of the hall, your choice." Frankly, at this point, he would have strongly preferred the elevator, but who was he to tell Lord Vader what to do?
Palpatine would also have preferred the elevator, but he was to busy curling up and thinking about just how much he hated flying...or sitting in any vehicle Vader was steering.
"Alright," Vader said as he turned right and pulled into a waiting elevator where the cart stopped it's forward motion and idled in the elevator. Soft jazz pumped out of the speakers and seeped in through the air locks as they slowly went down into the ship. "Sooo... how about that aerobics class? Paid for that with the money Steven saved on Starship insurance through Geico." "DING! Now arriving at Intercom Central Hub, next floor Department of Mysteries," said a nice, but slightly monotone and depressed sounding voice through the speakers as Vader drove the cart out of the elevator. "Well here we are...," he said as the air locks opened.
Palpatine did not immediately uncurl himself, still sitting with his face on his knees, pulling the hood down tightly over his head.
The Chef stood up shakily and stepped out of the cart, not quite sure what just happened or why and not knowing whether that was the worst moment of his life or...somehow actually somewhat bearable.
Piett stepped out doing his best to not tremble too badly.
"Sam? Sam? Sam, where are you?," Vader called as he got out of the cart. "I'm right here," Sam said as he looked at them from the top of the cake-like tiered desks, "Isn't this place nice? Tony over there, Tony knits earmuffs. And Denice, she sews dresses for cats. And Bob over there... well Bob doesn't really have a talent..."
Palpatine looked to the talented people as Sam mentioned them. "Earmuffs, eh? Do you have any red yarn at hand?
The Chef looked over to him and raised an eyebrow under his helmet but then shook his head.
Piett looked up to him and asked him a question. "Have you been experiencing any bugs in the system down here as of late? We seem to having a bit of difficulty on the bridge."
"I haven't experienced any...," Sam said before the television panels that made up the wall suddenly sparked and jutted forward, "William! what did I tell you about playing with the panels?" "Sorry sir..." "Now as I was saying..." Just then the computers all burst into flames. "They have bad firewalls...," Sam said as he ran to get the fire extinguisher. "Yes, have you seen Ima Rebel?," Vader asked nonchalantly as he locked the Vadermobile. "Ima Rebel?," Sam asked as the whole room turned and looked at him accusingly, "No I'm not really a Rebel... it's a name... like Frank and Janice Rebel in marketing..."
The captain looked to Vader blankly for a moment, wondering if the thought truly had yet to occur to him or if he was simply playing with everyone's minds. He was silent for a moment, but then finally stepped forward. "Lord Vader...perhaps we could, for a moment, toss around the idea that that mass accusation was on to something? What if (just an odd idea here) 'Ima Rebel' was merely...a guise...rather a..."
The Chef looked to him and jumped in, catching his thought pattern. "False identification? Mask? Ruse? Charade?"
The captain pointed at him. "Precisely."
Palpatine shook his head. "Nonsense, who would want to go around pretending to be someone named 'Ima Rebel?' It's not even remotely cool."
The Chef and the captain looked to him, both slightly dismayed.
"Steven... I think what they are trying to say... Is that 'Ima Rebel'," Vader said before he looked around the burning room cautiously, "Is actually a Rebel... disguised as a trooper!" The entire room gasped, well except Sam who was vainly fighting the flames off by himself. "No it's fine, these flames aren't dangerous or anything!," Sam yelled as his extinguisher ran out and he proceeded to hit the flames with the empty canister, "O.k.! This is not working!" "Come on men, we can gain no more info here, back to the bridge! We'll cross reference the trooper ID assigned to and then we'll hunt him down!," Vader said unlocking the Vadermobile.
The Chef watched Sam battling the fire all on his lonesome and looked around for the switch that he figured had to be on the wall somewhere nearby. Finally he spotted it. "Hey, Sam would this help?" he asked, pointing to the sprinkler switch with his thumb.
Palpatine was on his way back to the cart in the meantime, but the captain offered a small whimper. "Wouldn't it perhaps be safer to simply walk back to the bridge, m'lord?," he asked hardly daring to hope that he might say yes.
"YES! YES! YES! Push it!," Sam yelled as he ripped a monitor from it's place and assaulted the flames with that. "No, I assure you Piett, the Vadermobile is the safest transport this side of Kessel," Vader said getting in the cart and revving the engines, "Now get in, I left a hot pocket in the bridge's microwave..."
The Chef complied and soon the sprinkler system was doing it's job. He then headed, smiling a bit inside his helmet, back to the deathtra- err, Vadermobile.
Piett, with a small sigh of despair, headed back to the Vadermobile, climbed in and, after buckling up as tightly as he could possibly manage, began preemptively clutching the seat for dear life.
"Good, now let's get this party started," Vader said cranking up the radio as he pulled several levers and the cart shot off at near rocket speed. Just as it went to take off Sam managed to jump into the rear cargo trunk. Then the cart was gone, it shot through the solid metal elevator into the hallway on the other side before it sped off through the Executor.
Piett went from clutching the seat to clutching his head as they crashed through the elevator, giving a small cry over the resounding crunch of breaking alusteel. Surprisingly, it was neither the captain not the Chef who shouted at Vader for breaking things this time. It was the Emperor.
"VADER! Carnsarnit we're trying to RAISE credits here! Glass I can handle, but alusteel's getting downright expensive!" Of course, from there, he promptly returned to his terrified curl to await the end of their journey back at the bridge.
"BLAH BLAH BLAH!," Vader shouted over the engines as he turned quickly into a spiral stair well that circled up around a large Shield Generator Cylinder before they emerged on the bridge. "Thank you for flying Air Vader, we hope you enjoyed your flight and will consider flying with us again. Remember 'Air Vader... It's Your Only Choice...' Thank you buh-bye!," Vader said as he slowed the cart down.
As the cart came once again to a halt, two out of the three passengers were once again jittering in their skin. Palpatine was not only because he'd curled himself up tight after scolding Vader and refused to look until it was absolutely over.
The Chef climbed out and stood holding his head for a moment. The captain did his best to pretend to be collected in front of the rest of the crew and ran a cross reference on the name.
"See that wasn't so bad," Vader said as he got out of the cart, walked to the back, and heaved a very shaken Sam from the cargo hold, "See, Sam's fine..." "Y-y-y-yeah... f-f-f-fine..." "Now, let's cross reference that name quickly so we can get back in the Vadermobile and go find him!" At this statement Sam stood up and got in the cart, "I'm sorry Vader..." He then typed something into the control pad and the Vadermobile shot off through the hole in the elevator and out into space before it exploded. "SAMUEL MARK ANTHONY LEONARDO DA FRAN,that cart cost more that your salary for three years!," Vader exclaimed as he looked towards the trooper where he sat on the floor.
The Emperor, the captain and the Chef all turned to watch as the cart, burst out of the room and then spontaneously combusted out in space. All of them stared, wide eyed.
Palpatine looked between his apprentice and the PA announcer. He wasn't sure whether to shout at him or shock the heck out of him because he was angry - that thing was expensive, darn it - or...hug him because he was going to get to live longer. Eventually he just shook his head, looking somewhat bemused, and walked away.
Piett continued to stare until the computer finished its search and made a small chirp at which point he looked back to the screen.
"Well Piett? What department does this Ima Rebel work in? I Want to teach him not to mess with the good name of Frank and Janice Rebel!," Vader said as he came over and looked at the screen. "I see, I see... GOOD FORCE MAN! Why are you playing Pong at work?"
Piett looked to him on confusion and looked back to the screen "What? I- no! I...OK, once, but not today!" He clicked back to the other screen and pointed to the department next to the name. "It says he...she...they work on one of the the habitat decks...so they're either a janitor or maintenance...and they have keys to the barracks and officers' quarters. He wilted a bit. "Joy."
"A janitor? We're looking for a janitor on a ship so large that it takes three days to cross it on foot...," Vader said as his breathing sounded like locomotive, "We couldn't even find Mario the Plumber for seven hours the other day." He then took one deep breath and pushed a button on his arm, "We'll take the monorail to the Janitor's station..."
Piett glanced to him nervously and shied away, not wanting to be the next person to meet Vader's infamous wrath. When he pushed the button on his arm, however, the captain tilted his head. What do you mean whe have a monorail?he thought, but he kept his mouth shut.
Palpatine's face lit up. "Ha! I knewit was worth paying for that feature! Of course, when you're building a ship that's eleven miles long it's go all the way or go home anyway, but whatever." He shrugged.
The Chef looked to Piett silently asking both A. 'How crazy are our top two in command, anyway?' and B. 'Did you know you had a monorail?
The captain could only shrug in reply.
"Now into the monorail!," Vader called as doors on one side of the bridge opened and the train glided out in sparkling silver fashion. "It's the best money can buy, and the paint job ain't half bad either," Vader said as the doors opened to reveal the shiny interior. "We were keeping it a secret to increase employee productivity!"
As they boarded the train, Piett tilted his head a bit and turned to Vader curiously. "How does hiding this increase employee productivity?"
Palpatine grinned. "There are different theories. I like to think that if they don't know everything, and cool rumors like a hidden monorail start spreading around, they'll work harder, so they last longer, so they can find them," he said proudly.
"Actually my theory is that they have to work harder to get to other places there for, given the option of going to the gym and staying to work on the tax reports, the taxes win," Vader said as he sat in the captain's chair. "ATTENTION MONORAIL RIDERS! WE ARE NOW BEGINING OUR JOURNEY, KEEP HANDS AND FEET INSIDE AT ALL TIMES! THANK YOU!"
Palpatine shrugged as he took his seat.
Considering both options for a moment, the captain decided that Vader was most likely more correct, though there may be a few people who functioned on the Emperor's theory as well.
The Chef was too busy looking around at the interior and taking his seat. He actually enjoyed his job, so none of it mattered too much to him at the moment anyhow. He was just glad that this trip was going to be a good deal calmer than their Vadermobile trips...Right? He spoke up and actually voiced this question before they started pulling away.
"Yes, this thing only goes a comfortable 55mph," Vader said as the train started forward slowly, "But it's one Hoth of a ride!" The doors opened at the other end of the bridge and the rail went straight out for a bit before it took a sudden dive thirteen stories before it made a loop and disappeared into the ship.
Palpatine had relaxed...and then went promptly to screaming at the top of his lungs. For once, though, he was in good company. The Captain was also screaming, holding onto the restraints with one hand and his hat with the other.
The Chef was screaming, but his had a different tone. He also had both hands up high.
"Here goes nothing," Vader said as they went into a corkscrew above the hanger bay before emerging high above the botanical gardens. "I didn't know we had gardens," Vader said as they turned suddenly and dove deeper into the Executor's depths.
The Chef looked out at the plants. "Wait! does this mean I can get fresh vegetables here?" he asked as they zoomed above the gardens. "Hmmm...maybe this place isn't so Baaaaaaaaaahhh!" His words faded into a scream as they turned and took another dive.
Palpatine almost caught his breath as they moved through the vegetation, but, naturally, resumed his screaming as soon as they turned back down.
"NOW ARRIVING IN JANITORIAL PARADISE!, the voice said as the train stopped in a large dark room. "This is boring...," Sam said before lights flicked on to reveal an amusement park themed with mops and brooms... there was even a Windex log flume. "Steven... Why on earth does this exist?," Vader said as he looked around.
Steven looked around, not sure whether to be delighted or...slightly creeped out. "Ummm...Not sure...You know how Coruscant and Kuat are in different time zones?" he began sheepishly. "One does say some odd things when one receives calls at three in the morning..."
Piett put a hand over his mouth and turned away, sniggering a bit. He couldn't help it.
The Chef shook his head slowly, bemused.
"So you're telling me that you agreed to make an amusement park for Janitors because they called you too early in the morning for you to make an informed decision?," Vader asked as he exited the train and looked around. "Now how are we going to find this Ima Rebel in this place?," Sam asked as he disembarked.
Palpatine looked indignant. "No! I'm telling you that I told them to build one because it was too early in the morning for me to careif I was making an informed decision," he corrected.
The captain turned to him. "So, it was your idea, your highness.
He nodded rapidly, almost looking proud, then stopped and, realizing what he was confirming, nodded a bit more sheepishly. The Chef looked to Sam. "Well, I don't know about down here...but the kitchen has a list of who's doing what and when posted on the wall...," he suggested slowly, looking around and then tilting his head at a stand offering mop-flavored mop-shaped cotton candy.
"But Chef these are Janitors! They have no sense of organization! Judging by the number of them down here only 1/3rd actually do their job," Vader said looking back at them from the Draino tea stand, "MMM! Tastes good and cleans the pipes out too..." "Well let's see if there's some form of job list...," Sam said as he walked towards a help kiosk.
The Chef was pulled from his thoughts over just how disgusting mop-flavored anything would taste by Vader talking. "Well...yeah, that's true, I suppose.
Piett looked almost indignant. "I should disagree. They get their job done well enough. I think the ship is plenty clean."
Palpatine followed after Vader and passed the captain with a smug smirk. "But notice you only said should.
"HMPH!," Vader scoffed as he reached the kiosk and ran a finger along the counter holding up a dusty finger, "Good evening sir..." "GOOOOOD EVENIN'," The shadowy man behind the counter said. "Yes... thank you Janitor...," Vader said looking at the man's badge, "#6" He then looked away and turned back to find the kiosk empty. "What can I 'elp ya wit' sir," said #6 from a short distance away sweeping away. "Well... I... STEVEN!," Vader screamed in frustration.
Palpatine had been distracted by an intense match of bumper-zambonies, but he shook his head when Vader called him, snapping back with his usual irritability. "WHAT?" He looked between his apprentice and janitor #6. "What's the matter?" he asked Vader, sincerely confused.
Piett had been watching this ordeal and was looking around, completely bewildered. "How's he done that?" he muttered.
"This Janitor #6 fellow, he fancies himself a Harry Houdini and has been playing a disappearing act fit for Vegas," Vader said pointing to a broom lying on the floor, "Where'd he go now?" "Need anythin'," #6 called from atop the Kiosk where he was polishing the gold. "GAH! Stop that at once!"
Steven looked up to him and blinked. He didn't know if this would work; he so rarely gave formal orders anymore, but he cleared his throat. "Janitor #6 as Emperor of the galaxy, I command you to cease and desist with this utter lunacy forthwith!"
Captain Piett raised his eyebrows and blinked. He was actually rather impressed, especially given what he'd seen so far today.
"An' why shoul' I do tha'," #6 said reappearing atop the monorail, "Di'n't 'no' we 'ad a mo'orail... I'm no' cleanin' it." "Sir please, I just need to know where Ima Rebel is working right now!," Vader exclaimed as he looked at the Janitor.
Palpatine shook his head. "Don't go changing the subject #6! We're looking for one of your co-workers; no one's mentioned cleaning but you," he said, growing a bit tired of the antics himself. "We need to find this 'Ima Rebel'."
The captain jumped in. "We believe he or she may be interfering with the computer system. Worse, we think they may be a rebel in disguise," he explained.
"Really that's just a thought Piett? We just 'think' that it's a nom de plume? Well whatever fly's your starship," Vader said turning back to #6, who had once again disappeared. "I ai''t ever 'eard of a Ima Rebel... I 'new a Frank and Janice Rebel 'nce," 6 finally replied from atop the feris wheel, "oh, an'than's for th' bull'orn!" "You bought him a bullhorn too?!," Vader exclaimed as he hopped over the kiosk's counter and began to look through the filing cabinet. "AH-HA!," he finally exclaimed as he pulled out a file, "It's Ima Rebel's personnel file. And it says he enjoys long walks on the beach, dancing at sock hops, crocheting teapot cozies, and is currently assigned to... the golf course..."
Piett looked to him, shying a bit again. "Well...I don't know...I didn't want to jump to conclusions...Could be someone's just jacked my computer as a prank, and there's something gone wrong with the central computer system." He shrugged.
Palpatine watched his apprentice jump over the counter. He tilted his head. "Oh yeah...I forgot I authorized one of those too..." he muttered.
"You're forgetting quite a bit recently Steven," Vader said as he hopped the counter and started towards the train. "Ya'll come back now ya her'," called #6 from atop a janitor cart that was pushing itself along while he played the banjo. "I thought he was British...," Sam said as he boarded the train. "Quick Steven, what's your middle name?," Vader asked as he boarded too.
Steven looked to him indignantly. "I am not! And my middle name is...is...No fair! This place is exceedingly distracting!"
Piett followed the Sith lords back to the train, though he had to admit a fair amount of apprehension at the fact that the leader of the entire galaxy...could not seem to remember his middle name.
The Chef was having the same feelings and looked to Sam, a bit nervous.
"It's Eduardo Montigue! Steven Eduardo Montigue Palpatine," Vader said as he fastened his seat belt and typed in their destination. "WOULD YOU LIKE EXECUTOR LINKS OR PALPATINE GREENS?!," Said the voice in the system. "Executor Links," Vader replied before the train started, "TWO GOLF COURSES STEVEN?!"
Palpatine threw up his hands in utter exasperation. "Oh, I don't know! I probably thought it would get those stupid puppet senators to pass it if I told them they could come play; what do you want from me?" He flopped down angrily into his chair and yanked on the seat-belt.
Piett and the Chef sat in their own places quietly, both thinking it more prudent, at the moment, to simply stay out of it.
"Well! After all this talk you've had of saving a credit here, and a credit there... I FIGURED YOU'D HAVE A LITTLE MORE...," Vader said before the train took a sudden dive into three consecutive loops followed by a right corkscrew through a water fall. "NOW PASSING FRIZENTRUMPET DINOSAUR REVIVAL AND OBSERVATION CENTER!" "REALLY STEVEN?!," Vader said as the train circled the park.
Palpatine would have retorted if he hadn't been too busy screaming his head off as they looped, and corkscrewed and flew through a waterfall. "OH SHUT UP!" he cried in response to Vader's latest chastising.
The Chef continued to absolutely love this trip and thought that the splash through the waterfall was a very nice touch.
The Captain was screaming, of course, but was also in a bit of awe at the amount of things his ship had that he had previously had absolutely no idea about...He briefly wondered if Ozzel knew about them and it was a superior officers' privilege.
"Shut up?," Vader asked as the train suddenly dove down into what appeared to be a boiling volcano. "AHHHH!," Sam screamed as they emerged on the other side high above a replica of the Swiss alps. "Oh calm down Sam, it's just strawberry preserves," Vader said as the jam was wiped from the windshield. "Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!," called a man from the slopes. "SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO DISCUSS DOING AWAY WITH YOUR POSITION IN HERE!," Vader yelled as he rolled down the window and then rolled it back up, "I swear people these days, they just have no respect." "NOW LEAVING YODELING MOUNTAIN"
The Chef, at this latest ridiculous and totally unnecessary room turned to look at Palpatine, who, by this point, was actually looking very angry and gritting his teeth, just waiting to hear it over this one too.
He decided to say nothing and looked, instead, out through the window at the man that Vader had just, essentially, threatened to fire. He couldn't find the logic behind this room himself.
Piett, as they streaked along, had all but given up on trying to find the logic of these rooms that he didn't know about. The thought occurred to him at length that they might simply be for adding to the size, and therefore the intimidation factor, of the ship.
"NOW ENTERING PADME AMIDALA MEMORIAL THEATRE! MAKE SURE TO CATCH OUR PRODUCTION OF WAMPAS! NEXT TUESDAY AT 6!," the announcer said as the train ran along the front of the balcony. Suddenly the train veered left and then dropped down into a country club before stopping. "WELCOME TO EXECUTOR LINKS GOLF COURSE!"
Palpatine looked to Vader curiously. "Hey, I don't remember signing for that last one..." He crossed his arms and looked to him in blunt accusation.
Piett and the Chef, again decided to stay out of it, and the captain took, instead, to peering around for their janitorial friend.
The Chef looked to Sam "Think we'll actually find him this time?" he asked with a smirk.
"Well, if I know Vader... and I know him heavily... NO," Sam said as he exited the train. "Come men, we..." "No, no, ...NO!," said a tall man in golf shorts walking up, "I can not allow you on the course in such peasant rags!" "Well what would you have me wear?," Vader said as a plaid beret was placed atop his helmet. "Perfect!"
The Captain turned to Vader and the tall man and tilted his head. "And just who are you precisely? State your name and rank, if you would," he said just a bit sharply, not recognizing him and hardly amused at this point. He'd been on too many crazy rides and been on too long a wild goose chase to have the greatest sense of humor at the moment.
The Chef nodded in exasperated agreement. "Me either." Still, he turned to look as someone came over and plopped a beret on top of Vader's helmet. He was, to say the least, confused, but he almost felt as if she should be getting used to this feeling.
Palpatine watched the scene, quite honestly, for the first time in a few weeks, outright amused.
"Me sir? Why I'm Rebel. Ima Rebel," the man said very matter-of-factly as he turned his beret around to show the rebel logo. "Well that's a plot twist I was expecting in the slightest," Vader said tossing the beret, "Now stand down, you're coming with us!" "OH A CHASE SCENE!," Ima squealed as he rushed to a golf-cart and took off over the hills. "AFTER HIM!," Vader yelled as he got in his own golf-cart started it as Sam jumped in. "GET IN ANOTHER CART AND FOLLOW!," Vader yelled as he took off over the green hills.
The other three watched only for a moment before they bolted off and clamored into another golf cart, the Chef quite literally diving into the back, Palpatine securing his position with an obstreperous, "SHOTGUN!" and the captain sliding into the drivers seat. The three of them then buckled in quickly, and the passengers gripped the sides of the cart as Piett sped after the Dark Sith Lord and the stowaway rebel rocketing across the green.
"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!," Ima said as he sped over the hill of hole one. "I wonder if his name's really Ima," Sam wondered as they sped after the Rebel. "That's not important anymore Sam!," Vader shouted as he ramped the cart off the hill and landed only a few feet behind the other cart.
The captain did his best to follow for a while, since he couldn't exactly pass them, though he was scanning for ways to try and intercept the Rebel. Maybe, if they were lucky. they could simply get him into a corner, and this whole thing wouldn't end in a crash and a ruined golf course.
Palptine of course, knew that luck was so far not on their side that this whole thing may not simply ruin the golf course, but could end up in another run through the ship, for all he knew, but he didn't say that; he was too busy trying to aim. Holding his arm out over the side of the cart, Steven was going to attempt to land a good lightning bolt on Ima. Granted, his eyesight wasn't great, and he'd never held a blaster in his life, but he was going to try. "Take that!
The Chef watched intently.
"SAM! HANG OFF THE CART AND TRY TO USE THAT BLASTER THERE TO TAKE OUT HIS TIRES!," Vader said swerving as Ima tossed golf clubs and bags out of his cart. "Alright...," Sam said as he grabbed the blaster. Although Sam was technically a trooper, he had about as much weapons training as Steven... which was laughable at best. "OW!," Vader exclaimed as sparks flew from his right arm, "I told you to aim for the tires!" "I DID!," Sam protested as he fired another shot. "AGH!," cried a stormtrooper golfer before he fell. "You know what... why don't you drive? It's a lot cheaper to buy a golf cart than a human being!," Vader said as they switched places.
Piett watched as Vader dodged the projectiles Ima let flying and did his best to avoid them as well. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately for those ahead) he wasn't able to dodge quite everything, and a golf ball bounced off the ground and clocked the emperor in the head before the captain could cry out "duck!"
Palpatine crumpled, out cold for the moment which meant two things. Firstly, it meant that he wouldn't be firing any more lightning bolts, which may very well have been a good thing for Vader, Sam, and the other patrons of the golf course. However, because he'd been leaning halfway out the window - and still was - Piett now had a very hard time steering. He and the Chef were left screaming as they careened forward, swerving like a frightened squirrel.
"Oh I like what they're doing," Vader said looking back at the swerving cart, "Quick serpentine Sam, SERPENTINE!" He then grabbed the wheel and jerked it back and forth as they chased after the other cart. Ima meanwhile, looked back to see the swerving carts and proceeded to do the same... However, as he swerved quickly right he found himself in a lake...
The Chef, while Vader began swerving back and forth ahead of them, was desperately trying to pull the emperor's top half back into the cart which was not easy from the back seat. He tried to wake him as he pulled. "Your Majesty! Your Highness! Emperor Palpatine! Wake UP man!
The captain, following along but only half in conrol of the cart, soon found himself, with a small cry, also driving into the lake, having just swerved enough to miss colliding with Vader and Sam's cart. It was at this point that the emperor finally rejoined the waking world, and he did so with much spluttering and a gasp for air. "Wha! What- Huh- What Wha' hap- COLD!" He clamored back into the cart to get himself out of the freezing water, only to find it slowly sinking in further.
The other two were busy bracing themselves and getting INTO the water and out of the cart.
"Sam, what do we do when all of our friends drive into a lake?," Vader asked as he turned the cart towards the lake. "Call the appropriate authorities and wait until a skilled team of professionals arrive?," Sam ventured as they drew closer. "NOPE! DRIVE IN AFTER THEM!," Vader said ramping a hill and landing the cart smack dab in the middle of the lake, "Quick onto the roof," Vader said clambering up onto the roof with Sam on his heels. "DUH DUH DUH! DUH DUH DUH!," Vader sang as the cart sunk lower into the lake so that only the roof was above water. "Well Vader, what do we do now?," Sam said as he looked towards the shore where the others where. "Paddle over there," Vader said as two clubs flew into his hands and the sound of the support beams cracking filled the air as the roof separated from the cart and they started to paddle.
Meanwhile Ima Rebel was fumbling with his seat belt and had consented to try and slice it in half with a golf tee. "WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?!," he shouted as he tossed the tee at the controls and the seat-belt unlatched.
The three passengers from the other cart (Palpatine too had exited the cart once the water had started flooding in over the doors) were wading around in frigid discomfort by this point. Piett happened to look up as the Rebel loosed himself from his cart and pointed to him quickly. "There he goes!" He and the Chef then bolted for him, slogging as quickly as they could through the water.
Palpatine elected to head for shore. Waterlogged and half frozen, lugging his saturated woolen cloak along for the ride, he was simply in no mood to go running after the Rebel. He was going to go back to shore and plop himself down on to the grass to watch, and he had no intention of moving until after the chase was over.
"Faster Sam Faster!," Vader said pushing a button on his chest plate causing it to start playing an upbeat timpani drum beat. The little roof then sped off through the water, running a ground five feet behind the chase. "After him!," Vader called as he hopped off the roof and rushed after Ima. Ima however was a good deal ahead already and had reached the hole. Then, in one quick movement pulled the flag from it and brandished it like a bo staff. "Who do you think you are? A Teenage mutant ninja turtle? Darth Maul? Martin The Golf Flag Wielding Ninja?!," Vader shouted as he caught up, still brandishing the club he had used as a paddle.
The Chef looked between the two of them in a small bit of confusion. Didn't Vader have a lightsaber? He looked to the captain, wondering if he had an answer, but he only shook his head.
"Don't question it," he said. "It's not worth it." That being said, the captain balled his fists, they
being the only thing he had, and the Chef pulled out a spatula, it being the only thing he had.
"Engarde'," Ima said as he moved to strike Vader as Vader parried the hit and moved to hit Ima's legs. Ima however jumped and did a back hand spring onto a hill. "Annie! I thought you were better than that!," Ima said as he stabbed the flag into the ground and swung around on it kicking Vader in the face. "WHO ARE YOU?!," Vader shouted as he struck again. "You don't remember... Bill!"
Palpatine looked up in wide eyed shock when he heard the name "Annie." He watched the rebel do a spin around the flagpole and turned to his apprentice, half irritated and half bewildered. "Vader! Who is this weirdo?"
The captain watched, thrown off by the fact that this rebel, low and behold, was fighting Lord Vader fairly effectively with a golf flag. He cringed a bit as he watched him get kicked in the face.
The Chef tilted his head, listening fairly intently to the banter and beginning to get just as lost and confused as Palpatine.
"Bill? Bill... Fishman? The Jedi who took out the entire Mon Calamari fleet after their assault on Polis Masa?!," Vader said as he regathered himself and assaulted Bill again, this time his club bounced off the flag pole and hit him in the helmet. "That'd be me!," Bill said eagerly as he assaulted each of Vader's shoulders three times. "You made it through the purge?," Vader asked, "STEVEN!"
Palpatine threw his hands up and looked around wildly, wondering what in The Force's name he could have done this time. "WHAT? What'd I do now?
The captain and the Chef were over by him at this point having figured themselves rather ill equipped and not wanting to barge into a conflict that had...apparently started before either of them was even drafted.
The Chef looked to Sam, wondering if he knew.
"Bill Fishman was a Jedi with Vader before the purge," Sam told Chef as Vader ducked the flag pole and took out the man's knees, "When Vader was appointed to the council as an adviser Bill got angry and vowed to k!ll Vader... it clearly never happened." "WHY ISN'T HE DEAD?! YOU SAID ORDER 66 GOT 'ALL' OF THE JEDI!," Vader yelled as he threw the club and drew his lightsaber," stand down Bill."
The chef and the captain nodded at Sam's explanation. "Ohh..." The chef turned to Sam again. "But I thought Jedi weren't supposed to get all vengeful and whatnot...Doesn't that make him a Sith? Wouldn't that put him on our side?" The Chef, not having any ability in the Force, knew little of the ways of Sith and Jedi aside from the general consensus that Sith were fairly angry on the whole. Palpatine threw up his hands again. "Hey! I left you and Commander Cody in charge of that! If you didn't get them all, it is not my fault! You should have been more careful!" He crossed his arms indignantly, not mentioning, of course, that the singular Jedi he had left for himself, that being Yoda, had slipped out of his own grasp.
"WELL I WAS A BIT TIED UP WITH OBI-WAN AT THAT MOMENT... That means we're talking to Cody after this, cause I am tired of these random Jedi showing up all over the place," Vader yelled back at Steven, his saber pointed at Bill. "Well you see... after that moment he lost faith in the force and denounced the Jedi way... I read this all on me and Vader's field trip to the Jedi Temple...," Sam said to chef quickly.
The Chef pondered this for a moment. "So...he's like...He's not even a rebel...He just has it out for Vader...So...what do we do?" He asked, looking back to the scrap going on in front of him.
Palpatine snorted angrily and then blinked. "What do you mean, 'all these Jedi?' I've only got two!" He was not aware that they'd also met one during the battle at Bespin way back when.
"Oh no I'm a rebel, I lead the Brotherhood In Union Against Darth Vader," Bill said showing off the groups coat of arms sewn into the color of his imperial jacket, "And I assure you, if you end me here we have more on this ship..." "VADER! YOU JUST CAN'T RUN PEOPLE THROUGH LIKE THAT!," Sam exclaimed as he watched the scene.
The Chef was about to ask what on the Executor Sam was talking about when the captain burst out with his own protest against Vader's actions.
"No! We don't know where all the others are, don't!" he cried, hands flying to his head, and he gritted his teeth a bit as he watched.
Palpatine was, for once silent as he watched. It had been a good long while since he'd gotten to watch a good duel.
"We'll hunt them out one by one, with the head of the serpent gone the rest will scatter and die!," Vader said powering down his lightsaber. "THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST KILL PEOPLE! WHAT ABOUT YOUR QUOTA?!," Sam shouted as a janitor came to sweep up the body, "Alejandro? When did you get demoted..." "Oh you know, before the Battle of Bespin... I'm the one who ordered the cinnamon buns..."
WHOOSH! Alejandro went flying thirty feet as Vader stuck his hand out towards him. "You didn't hear that Steven...," Vader said as he reattached the saber to his belt, "Come... let's go back to the amusement park..."
The Captain remained on the ground for a moment, rubbing his temples and gritting his teeth in frustration. As if Ozzel wasn't ridiculous enough...
Palpatine sighed and got up, still cold and soaked. "You know something, even I would have to admit that that's not the most efficient way of doing things...I mean, I commend you; I'd have done it anyway, but..."
The Chef also gave a fairly large sigh as he got to his feet. "Come on, Piett, sooner we start the sooner it's over with, right? Let's go hunt us some Rebels!
The captain gave him a tiredly skeptical look, but he got to his feet and followed the two Sith.
"Well have to start in the..." "ATTENTION! REBEL INVOLVEMENT DETECTED IN THE BOWLING ALLEY!," The sky said to them as the monorail pulled up beside them, "ATTENTION REBEL INVOLVEMENT DETECTED IN THE POWER PRODUCTION FACILITY!" "Split up?," Vader asked as he boarded the train.
The Captain gave him a wry smile, both eyebrows raised. "Sound's reasonable."
Palpatine looked to the sky and then back to his apprentice.
"Probably a good idea, yeah, Who's going with who?" He asked quickly.
The Chef looked to Sam and then wilted a bit, sighing underneath his helmet. "Well, at least we've got one down." He then spoke up. "I'll go to the Power Plant," he offered.
"Well, Sam, Chef, Is that your given name?, and Piett can go to the Power Plant, and you and me can go to the Bowling Alley, Steven," Vader said boarding the train. "Um, you're going to send three normal people out there to face an unknown amount of rebels... without a Sith?," Sam ventured sitting down. "Yeah, sounds fine to me..."
The Chef looked to Vader and grinned a little under his helmet, amused. "No sir!"
Piett looked to Sam and nodded. He half agreed with him. On the one hand, what if they FOUND the rebels, and what if they were there in copious amounts? On the other hand, it might be a good thing to get away from Vader for a while. The Sith Lord and abnormally high stress levels seemed to go hand in hand. Palpatine just waived them off. "Pfft! Oh, come on, you survived the entire day with us so far; you'll be fine! And if not, errr, you're replaceable, no big deal."
"He's right I have the paperwork in my TIE Advanced if we need a new PA Announcer and a... sous chef... And I'm sure Private Collins would die to have the Captain position," Vader said as the train suddenly dipped down and reappeared in a the bowels of some electrical production planet. "WELCOME TO THE POWER PRODUCTION FACILITY! WATCH OUT FOR SPARKS AND LOOSE WIRES!"
Palpatine nodded. "Yeah, see? No problem. The empire will continue on just fine without you; you have no need to worry." He said, with a smile.
The Chef was a bit saddened at this thought, but said nothing at the moment, opting for a long sigh through his nose instead before his exited the train.
The captain was a bit more put off by this. Private Collins, in his own opinion, was nothing but a complete and utter numpty, And he gave a small frown at the idea of him getting his job, quite dissatisfied with the idea. He also managed to keep his mouth shut as he exited the monorail though, not wishing to invite any of the Sith Lord's wrath...Gracious he was getting into a grump. He shook his head at himself a bit as he moved to stand beside the Chef.
"Well good luck... don't die to quickly... and.. here," Vader said as he tossed his extra lightsaber to Chef, "Just in case you need it." Sam then disembarked and looked around at the large Tesla Coils that occasionally shot showers of sparks from their tops, "Vader are you sure this is safe?," Sam asked slightly frightened. Vader looked around a bit before saying, "Absolutely positive," And popped his head back in the train before the door closed and it sped off again.
The Chef caught the saber and stared at if for a minute, eyes widening inside his helmet. "Uhhhhh...Well...OK then..." He held onto it, not really sure he was comfortable having one of these things, but OK! He looked around. "So now where, the announcement didn't say where in here the trouble was..."
The captain looked around as well, not sure which direction to head. He'd never been down here.
"Well what does this switch do?," Sam ventured as he flipped it and the huge over head lights flickered on, revealing row after row of sparking Tesla Coils. "Well maybe...," Sam ventured before a voice from above cut in. "ATTENTION! CATASTROPHIC FAILURE HAS OCCURRED IN COIL ROWS ONE THROUGH SIX! URGENT ATTENTION IS REQUESTED! THANK YOU!"
The captain's face fell, eyes going wide. "Oh, that's not good."
The Chef looked over to him. "How bad?" he examined the other man's face for a moment. "OK, so are we talking engines or life support, here?
The Captain shook his head, though he didn't say anything.
The Chef looked back to the PA announcer. "Saaammmm..." He said nervously.
Piett spoke up then. "Let's head for where the lights are off over there, shall we?
"Off we go then," Sam said as he started to lead the way, "Also this may be important, but my helmet's comm set has gone quiet. Normally there's a lot of background chatter or static, but now it's just silence... don't like it..."
Meanwhile the Monorail train was just arriving at the bowling alley, "NOW ENTERING COMMANDER CODY'S BOWL-A-PALOOZA!"
The Chef watched Sam go off as well, still no explanation given to him. "Sam!" he followed after, growing increasingly worried over this. He listened for a moment though. "Yeah, mine too...That's...probably not good.
Palpatine climbed out of the train and looked around curiously. "Ooo, Vader look! They're selling nachos at the snack bar- eerrrr, focus! Rebels, right." He then proceeded to look around for some.
"That section must control the comms center... communication across the ship will be dead," Sam said as he lead the way towards the dark area, "I hope there aren't more areas that go out..." "ATTENTION CATASTROPHIC FAILURE IN COIL ROWS 19-23! MONORAIL TRANSPORT!"
"Come on Steven," Vader said as he exited the train before it took off for three inches and stopped, "Let's go ask the cashier..."
The Captain put a palm to his face as the announcement came on. "Oh good."
The Chef Shook his head. "We should hurry," The captain, clearly in agreement sped up his pace along with the Chef.
Steven nodded "Yeah, sure, why not? He should know what's going on if anyone in here does." He followed after Vader.
"Hurry!," Sam yelled as he raced down a row and stopped suddenly. There, in the middle of the row, were 4 rebels tampering with coil controls. "HEY!," Sam yelled at them as he pulled out his blaster.
"Good evening sir," Vader said walking up to the counter, "Have you seen any rebels around Mr... I-Ama Rebel?" "No sir," the man replied putting bowling shoes on the counter, "none here."
Palpatine nodded, contented with the explanation, and turned to Vader, "Say, since we're here, you wanna go a few rounds?" he asked, "I'll even pay for the shoes.
The Chef saw the four rebels and glared behind his helmet, setting himself ready to either bolt or hold his ground, whichever proved necessary.
The captain did the same. "Freeze!" he called. "Hands up and away from the coil!"
"Wait Steven... Mr. I-Ama... Page 300 of the Imperial Code Book. Recite it," Vader said handing the shoes to Steven. "Um... Um... A trooper must never, ever, ever, go down without making some strange noise... Is that right? It sounds right... C! Final Answer!" the cashier replied. "Uh-Huh... Close... but no! You're coming with us!"
"HAHA!," laughed the rebel's leader stepping forward, "MAKE U..." BANG! Sam stood in awe his blaster smoking.
The Chef actually jumped. He looked over to Sam, shocked himself...He didn't know their timid little PA announcer actually had it in him. "Woah, Sam...
The Captain was almost as shocked as the Chef was, though he didn't know Sam as well.
Palpatine gasped as it hit him. "Wait a second! Oh you're in for it now." He glared and moved to block one side of the counter so he couldn't go around it.
I d-d-did it...," Sam stuttered as he he brought the gun down. Meanwhile the other three rebels looked at each other, gulped and then ran off. "After them!," Sam yelled as he raised the blaster again and fired before racing after them.
Meanwhile Vader had hopped the counter and drawn his saber, pushing the man against the shoe racks, "You are lucky that I met my quota for the day!"
The captain and the chef took off after them. The Chef ducked to a different row of coils, making an attempt to cut them off and fumbling with the lightsaber Vader had tossed him and tying to find the on button before he got there.
Palpatine looked to his apprentice and nodded. "Good Vader, I'm proud of you. See, we are going to break you of this...Now, just try not to give in on the way to cell blocks, would ya?"
"FINE!," Vader said as he cuffed the rebel and took him towards the train, "Looks like the monorails out... OH! What about that monorail hand cart they keep behind the lanes?"
"What is it about stop that you don't understand!," Sam called as he took off after them. "The st part," one of the Rebels replied before Sam found his mark again.
Palpatine brightened. "Aha! Another useful feature, thank you for reminding me." He said smugly. Then he headed out to the lanes. Unfortunately for him he failed to remember that they were waxed and was soon flat on his back.
The Chef finally found the button and watched with a pleasantly surprised grin as the blade actually ignited. "Aha!" he continued bolting after the remaining rebels.
"Like this Steven," Vader said as he knocked the prisoner to the floor and then reached down and threw him down the lane. "STRIKE!," Vader said as he took a running start and threw himself toward the end of lane 3. "ST-ST-STRIKE TWO!"
Meanwhile the two rebels had turned suddenly and were headed right for Chef...
Steven sat up with a groan and tried to get to his feet with very little success for several minutes. Eventually he decided that the only way he was getting down there was an odd mixture between an army crawl and a breaststroke, which did eventually get him to the end of the lane. "Ha!" he panted. "I did it."
The Chef skidded to a slightly shocked halt and stood his ground holding the saber ready...Not, of course, that he'd had any sort of training with one of these things, but it couldn't hurt to fake it.
"Oh boys We got ourselves a bona fide Sith here tonight," one said as he reached the Chef, "What you gonna do... force push us?!" Suddenly, his partner went flying back wards. Unbeknownst to the first guy it was because Sam had caught him with his blaster's retractable grappling hook.
"Very good Steven, golf claps," Vader said clapping as he forced the man onto the cart.
The Chef did not know this either, and he watched the other one go flying for a moment, just as surprised as his partner. Whatever happened, he was going with it. With a smirk underneath his helmet, he turned to the remaining rebel. "What're you gonna do about it?"
Steven panted and got to his feet. "OK...which way're we going?" he asked, "Your way or my way?" He was exhausted, but standing.
"I surrender!," The Rebel said throwing his hands in the air and throwing himself to the ground. "Good," Sam said as he walked up to the two, "Where's Piett?"
"Um, judging by the map the wall... The cell block is your way," Vader said as he started to pump. The train screeched in protest as it started to move forward.
Palpatine helped him pump. "OK. Here we go," he panted, grunting as he pushed his end down.
The Chef grinned and turned the lightsaber off. "There, that was easy." He looked around for a moment, at Sam's question. Where wasthe captain?
Piett, seeing that the two in trooper armor had the rebels handled had gone to try and figure out what was wrong with the generators. "Over here!"
"Ah! Trying to turn the generators back on?," Sam asked as he approached Piett with the handcuffed rebel.
"Faster master!," Vader said as the cart sped along the track, "I've been working on the railroad, all the live long... DAY-O, DAY-O Daylight come and me wanna go... HOME! Home on the range! Where the deer and the antelope... Play that funky... Music of the... Shadows of the night so Steven take my hand it'll be alright! Surrender all your dreams to me tonight..." "THEY'LL COME TRUE IN THE END!," the Rebel sang as the cart flew through room after room of strange things. "Sing with me Steven," Vader said as they took a sharp turn through a medieval armor hall, "ANY WAY YOU WANT IT..."
Palpatine pumped faster, and though he wasn't sure he understood WHY they were belting out an amalgamation of seemingly unrelated songs, he didn't see why not and, with a shrug, joined in anyway. "THAT'S THE WAY...You got to goo dig those holes with broken hands and withered...soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo; the way you move ain't fair you...no one can break us! No one can make us give our rights away..."
"Look at this train, isn't it neat, wouldn't you... think of me, think of me fondly when we've said... Goodbye love, good bye love, just came to... Say... have I told you lately that I l0ve... you and I! You, you and I! The rebels will die, with you I-I-I-I-I!," Vader sang as the lights suddenly flickered on... "MONORAIL POWER HAD BEEN RESTORED!"
Palpatine looked up and grinned widely. "Ha! Now that's more like it!" He said as he continued to pump. "Say...did you do that...or...do you think they actually accomplished something...down in the power room?" Asked the old man between panting breaths. A spring chicken the emperor was not and, though his breathing was not as bad as his apprentices, he was about ready to fall over.
"I didn't do it master... and... Steven... now that the monorail is back up.. I think you should know that this is not just a service track... the express line uses this track as well... and it's due in five minutes...," Vader said as a whistle sounded in the distance.
Palpatine's eyes went wide. Thatmade him pump faster. As he heard the whistle again he looked up and, in no uncertain terms, screamed at the top of his lungs. "Pump faster Vader! Pump Faster!"
Meanwhile back in the Power Plant, the Chef grinned. "Hey! That's better...anyone know where we were supposed to meet those two?
"AH!," Vader yelled as he pumped faster, racing through the Power Plant's station and out into the next room followed quickly by a speeding monorail painted red with a yellow lightning bolt and the number 95 on it.
"I think we found them," Sam said as he jumped quickly, landing on a conductor's footplate as the train began to race by.
The Chef and the captain glanced to each other quickly and bolted over to the train, following Sam's example.
Palpatine continued to scream and pump as fast as force-aided-humanly possible, but the man was eighty-four and wrapped from head to toe in two layers of wool and a pair of bantha-leather boots for goodness sake!
The Chef peered ahead. "Sam...is that them ahead of us?" he asked.
"It looks like it," Sam hollered as the train raced around a bend and suddenly they were speeding across a large battleground training area. Bombs and missiles exploded all around the track as Vader fought to stay ahead of the bullet train. "What now Steven? We're running low on stamina, and the train has enough juice to get it to Geonosis and back..."
Palpatine kept pumping and looked behind him at the train. "How should I know! ...Did you say- Does- Wait! What does it run on?" He asked quickly before duchingh is head to avoid a bit of shrapnel. "Ahhh!" He didn't recall the last time his arms hurt this much, and now there were bombs. Fan-forcing-tastic!
The Chef and the captain both ducked as they went though the battleground room as well.
The expresses fuel source is internal stored inside the first car... It's ran almost entirely by a mixture of Sno-Cone flavoring and powdered sugar," Vader said as they disappeared into an opening and dropped thirteen feet suddenly, before racing up twenty feet and plunging into an aquarium tunnel.
Palpatine kept pumping, but he visibly wilted. "Oh...darn...I thought maybe this Force lightning might come in handy." He panted as he kept going. "Like- like...like the train on Coruscant, you knowm with the electrified track and- Why am I wasting breath explaining, when you're a mechanical genius?" He asked exasperatedly.
The Chef looked to Sam. "I don't think they can out pump a train..."
"Let's get inside, maybe there's an emergency shut off switch somewhere," Sam said as he shattered the window of the door and forced his way in.
"Steven... I've been thinking, if we end our existence here today... I just want you to know that," Vader said as they rushed through the aquarium and up into the dinosaur park again, "I'm going to leave my cat to Sam."
Palpatine almost forgot to pump when his apprentice started his sentence, but his look of wonder quickly fell to an all too familiar grimace when he concluded. "Way to get my hopes up! Here I thought you were going to call me your best friend and then- I mean...That's good...because...I would...have...to...electrocute you...for..showing...compassion...but way to get my hopes up for an electrocution! I mean, for Force's sake, would it have killed you to change your wording? Bah humbug, I don't want your cat anyway!" Nice cover,he thought to himself in relief.
The Chef crawled in after Sam, followed by Piett.
"Maybe we can get the conductor to stop the train. Let's head that way!," said the captain, pointing toward the engine.
"Yes, to the front of the train," Sam said as he started through the train, entering a dining car where an elaborate hot cocoa dispensing dance was taking place. "Excuse me! Coming through! Sorry about tha... oh dear! A little seltzer water will get that right out! Just passing through, Sith lord to save and all that jazz!," Sam said as he forced his way through.
The captain followed after him and lost his balance as they rounded another corner and ran into another passenger. "Oof! Oh...Admiral, fancy seeing you here..." He almost wilted.
The Chef just passed the two of them and caught up with Sam, jumping past him and opening the door to the engine car. "Here you go!"
"Quick! Get that monkey wrench over there and start hitting things, randomly!," Sam said as he picked up a sledgehammer.
Meanwhile Vader was getting wore out as they sped through a cave system,"This is getting old Steven," he said as he slacked off and the train bumped their cart slightly sending sparks everywhere.
The Emperor ducked from the sparks. "SO AM I! Don't STOP!" he cried, frantic.
Piett finally caught up to them just in time to hear Sam's order. "Couldn't we just ask the conductor?
The Chef had had the same question, but at this point he had not bothered to voice it and headed for the monkey wrench.
Piett watched them, unsure whether to be terrified or simply confused. What was going on today?
"Please, the last time your age was in double digits half the dinosaurs in that park were still alive," Vader said as the train began to push them along.
"There is no conductor, this express went fully robotic last week, I signed the order myself!," Sam yelled as he bashed the engine to bits with the hammer.
Palpatine looked indignant. "Firstly, shut up! Secondly, I am eighty-four, dagnabbit! Thirdly-" but here he paused. Neither of them were pumping, and they were still moving. He slowly looked behind his apprentice at the train. "Vader...would this...this it pushing us along thing- Would this have happened the entire time?" he asked casually.
The Chef proceeded to smash at everything in sight.
"I don't know Steven," Vader said with an edge in his voice. Suddenly the train jumped up a bit and caught on the edge of the cart throwing Steven's side up into a 36 degree angle. "Agh!," Vader said as the prisoner slipped off the cart and fell 30 feet to a shark tank in the aquarium they were passing over, "Well that's more paperwork..."
Palpatine didn't have time to comment on his dislike of Vader's tone of voice before he too was sliding toward the edge of the cart. "AH!" He wobbled for a moment, fighting to recover his balance. "Woah! Well...at least he's out of the way...
The Chef went on smashing the controls, but the Chef finally stopped for a moment, blowing out a small sigh. "Any other ideas, Sam?" He asked tiredly.
"AH STEVEN SAVE ME!," Vader said as he flung himself to the other end of the cart as the train claimed more of the tiny wooden vehicle.
"The fuel source! Where's the fuel?!," Sam yelled as he tossed the hammer through a window on the door.
Palpatine did as he was told, screaming as he did so. "Vader!
The Chef nodded with a grimace. "Nobody wanted those cookies." Hearing the screams through the broken window, he looked out to see what was happening. "Ah! No time to speculate! Smash it and find out!"
The captain, taking the wrench from the Chef, threw all his weight into the swing at the oddly labeled tank and hoped it worked.
The tank ruptured and gallon after gallon of the strange liquid poured out onto the floor. The train began to slow down then, until suddenly, a large piece of the cart fell beneath it and the trains began to slide off of the tracks. Taking the cart with it as it plummeted towards the tropical fish tank of the aquarium.
The Chef watched and couldn't hold back a sneer of disgust. "Ew, good greif..." he muttered as it oozed out, and then he nearly lost his balance. He didn't know what happened until Piett screamed out. "We're headed off the tracks!" Much screaming then ensued.
Palpatine screamed as well. "Vader help!" He didn't remember to hold his breath as he hit the surface of the water.
"Steven!," Vader exclaimed as he disappeared below the surface his helmet automatically accommodating for the change in hydration and visibility. He then immediately begun to swim for Steven, grabbing him before heading towards the surface.
Sam meanwhile had started to race through the other cars, trying to reach the last one before A.) The train plunged into the depths or B.) the train became too vertical for his progression to continue unabated. Neither looked like it was happening at a leisurely pace.
Palpatine spluttered profusely as they hit the surface again and he managed to gulp in a few quick breaths of sweet, sweet oxygen. He looked to his apprentice and then up toward the train that was falling toward them. "Vader!" He cried again, jumping when he saw it.
Piett and the Chef bolted after Sam, figuring that he had the right idea, but it was quickly becoming apparent that the end of the train was very far away. The two of them both picked up their paces.
"WHAT STEVEN?!," Vader exclaimed a the front of the train careened into the water not but an inch from their heads. The splash sent them floating yards away from the train as it sunk deeper and deeper into the bright blue water.
Meanwhile Sam had reached the last cart and was trying in vain to open the door to freedom.
The Chef was right there with Sam, heaving at the door, but the Captain was having a different problem altogether. He had lost his grip on the floor. While the Chef in his trooper armor hadn't had a problem, the officer's boots had a good deal less traction (namely none), and he was now clinging to one of the chairs not far from the rear door.
Palpatine clung to his apprentice in terror as the train crashed down and they were washed away. "THAT!" He cried frantically.
"Oh that's nothing," Vader said as he paddled up to what was left of the cart and hauled himself up onto it.
Meanwhile Sam had found an open window nearby and had swung out of it and clambered onto the end of the train as It plunged deeper into the water.
Well this is going to take forever to fill out the paperwork for! And then the money it's caused us!," complained Vader.
Palpatine hauled himself onto the cart as well, panting and shivering. He didn't even know at that point if he was shivering because he was cold or because of the adrenalin. He paused a moment and then slowly turned to Vader with a glare. "I don't want to talkabout money," he said lowly with a sneer.
The Chef followed suit, and, with a bit of effort, managed to stay afloat in the rather ridiculous armor. He paddled over to Sam and pointed to the two Sith Lords. "There, looks like they made it," he said, a bit relieved that that was over at last. '
"Ugh finally," Sam said as he hauled himself up onto the cart, "So Vader... What now...SPLASH!" Sam hauled himself back onto the cart and looked at Vader, "thank you." "You know Sam, you're very much like a Magikarp, you're kind of pathetic, but are real good at Splashing," Vader said as he reached out a hand to Chef.
The Chef couldn't help but grin a bit at the Pokemon reference as he took the hand and hauled himself up onto the remains of the cart. He sighed as he sat there, finally able to release a good sigh of relief.
Palpatine kicked his feet a little in the water and looked around. "Now what?
The Chef tilted his head a moment. "'Another two word question: Where's Piett?
The Captain was still stuck underwater. The train had crashed into the water and, after a few intense moments of disorientation, he'd finally managed to swim out through the window. It was just then that he actually got to the surface. Panting heavily he glanced around for a few moments, grabbed and replaced his hat, located the rest of the group and swam for them.
The chef grinned. "Ah, there he is."
"Piett good show," Vader said as he ripped the pump from the cart and started to use it as a paddle, "At least this whole ordeal is over..." "But what now Vader," Sam ventured as he hung his foot over the edge. "Isn't it obvious Sam, we drift slowly into the sunset...," Vader said as he reached the pump out to Piett.
Piett reached out for the paddle and grabbed it, finally pulling himself onto the makeshift raft as well. "Thank you, m'lord," he said tiredly.
The Chef looked to Vader, bemused. "But...we're not orbiting a sun, sir.
Palpatine waived him off. "Pfft! After everything you've seen today, you don't think we can handle a fake sunset over thetropical fish tank? Hit it Martin!"
And like that the area above the fish tank was awash with the colors of the setting sun as the cart drifted slowly towards it while the cries of panic and pain from the survivors still aboard the train filled the air. Their day done Vader leaned back slightly, "All in a days work!"
Happy reading and please Coment and reveiw, it really helps me understand what you... what I hope are fans... want to see and read in future installments, and what characters we need to keep and destroy, maim and demote. And most importantly, what stories you want to read next.