"Can't put this off forever," muttered Ivy to herself, standing on the doorstep, with her hand raised to knock on the door. It was snowing outside, and absolutely freezing, but Ivy preferred being out in the cold than having to go inside to the party. She could hear talking and laughter through the door – the clown's mocking laughter. She hated nothing more in this world, except for his smug, self-satisfied smile. And Batman, obviously.
She kept her fist poised over the door. "C'mon, Ivy," she said, trying to pep herself up. "Just suck it up and do it. The sooner you go in, the sooner you can leave."
She nodded firmly in resolution, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door. It was thrown open a second later by Harley, wearing a red, shoulderless dress trimmed with fur and her usual Harley Quinn cap and makeup. She beamed and hugged her tightly. "Red! I'm so glad you made it! Come on in! And Merry Christmas, baby!"
"Merry Christmas, Harley," said Ivy, returning the hug. "Like the dress."
"Yeah?" she said, beaming. "Mr. J got it for me. Early Christmas present, along with a couple other things on my list." She giggled to herself. "Lemme take your coat, Red. Aw, your dress is real pretty too. But if you don't mind me saying so, it ain't very festive."
"Why not?" asked Ivy. "It's red."
"That don't make it Christmassy," retorted Harley. "I wear red all the time. You need an accessory to make it festive, and I got just the thing!"
She fumbled in her pocket and pulled out a sprig of holly. "There! Put that in your hair!"
"I'm not wearing a corpse on my head!" snapped Ivy.
"Aw, c'mon, Red, don't be a party pooper!" retorted Harley. "It's either that or a Santa hat! Everyone's wearing one, and you wouldn't wanna look stupid, would you?"
"I don't think wearing a Santa hat will exclude me from looking stupid," retorted Ivy.
"Just put it on, Red!" snapped Harley, shoving the holly into her hair. "And try to lighten up, would ya? This is a party!"
"Could have fooled me," muttered Ivy, entering the main room and looking at the assembled collection of misfits. It depressed her that these were the closest people to merit the title of friends in her life. She was an attractive, successful, strong woman – why was she even at a party with the scum of Gotham villainy? She should be living it up with millionaires like Bruce Wayne, not enduring painful conversations with these losers.
"Pammie! You made it! I'm so happy that your car didn't skid on the ice on the way here, crashing into a tree and leaving you a messy, bloody pulp before it set itself on fire and exploded, scattering you into a thousand burnt pieces all over the road!"
Speaking of losers, thought Ivy with a sigh, as the Joker came over to her, dressed in a red suit and Santa hat. Her resentment turned to horror when he suddenly seized her in his arms and planted a kiss on her lips.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted Ivy, shoving him away from her. "Get away from me, you disgusting creep!"
"You shouldn't stand under the mistletoe if you don't wanna be kissed, Pammie!" chuckled Joker, pointing up.
Ivy glared up at yet another dying plant hanging above her head, in agony. "Don't worry, he's done that to everyone!" giggled Harley. "Harvey tried to beat the crap outta him. Some guys just can't take a joke."
Harley suddenly shoved Ivy out of the way. "I'm standing under the mistletoe now, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at Joker dreamily.
"Yeah, yeah, in a second, pooh," he retorted. "Just look after the guests, will ya?"
Harley sighed in disappointment, but obeyed him. Ivy looked around at the other villains, and was relieved to see Selina Kyle standing in a corner, talking to Basil Karlo, who was currently impersonating Jimmy Stewart from It's a Wonderful Life.
"…I just don't get the message of the movie," Selina was saying. "Sure, it's a wonderful life since he's got all that money, but then he has to give it all to the bank to save the business. So he's left with nothing at the end but his worthless family and a bunch of annoying friends. And who wants that?"
"My sentiments exactly," said Ivy, grabbing a drink from the table and joining them.
"Ivy, what are you doing here?" asked Selina.
"I was blackmailed into coming," retorted Ivy.
"I think everyone kinda was," said Selina, nodding. "I'm outta here in an hour and on a plane to Monte Carlo. No one would show up to this voluntarily. It's like the party of the damned."
"Second rate horror film, Village of the Damned," said Karlo, transforming into George Sanders. "I could have acted the part so much better."
"Sure, Bas, whatever you say," replied Ivy, sharing a glance with Selina. This was really what her holiday had come to. Talking to a washed up horror actor with delusions of grandeur. Could it get any more pathetic?
"Maybe we could play charades later. I'm great at charades," said Karlo, resuming his Clayface form.
"I think whoever is on your team would win pretty easily," retorted Selina. "And what's the fun of a game without a challenge?"
"Aw, you're a kitten after my own heart, Cat Lady!" chuckled Joker, coming over to them. "Speaking of games and challenges, I wish your date could have made it. I, for one, would have given him a warm welcome," he giggled. "Anyway, how is old Bats? Are you and he…y'know?"
He trailed off, and then began making hand gestures which could only be described as rude.
"None of your goddamn business!" snapped Selina. "Why? Are you jealous?"
"And why would I be jealous that you got something besides stockings hung in front of the fire?" replied Joker, grinning.
"Because it doesn't take a doctorate in psychology to see that you're massively in love with the Bat," snapped Selina.
"Hey, he is not!" cried Harley, appearing at that moment. "Mr. J ain't in love with anybody else but me, ain't that right, puddin'?"
"I think you're jealous that Bats always puts me in front of you," retorted Joker. "You're jealous that all your feline wiles haven't been able to make him into your little playtoy. Makes you look kinda bad, don't it, when your boyfriend would rather spend his nights beating the crap outta me than having Kitty climb his scratching post? How do you know Bats ain't in love with me?"
"Because I'm the only one in love with Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "I love him and he loves me, right, puddin'? See what I got, Mr. J?" she said, holding the sprig of mistletoe above his head.
"Hey, that's great, Harley baby," he said, patting her head. "Now why don't you make sure everyone's got a drink, like the good little girl you are?"
Harley sighed again and left. Ivy looked around to see Two-Face across the room, talking with Jonathan Crane, Jervis Tetch, and Victor Fries. Two-Face met her eyes and looked down again, flipping his coin. He looked at it and then excused himself from the conversation, coming over to join them.
"Oh, did I win the coin toss this time?" asked Ivy, sarcastically.
"Merry Christmas to you too, Pam," muttered Two-Face. "Glad you're out of Arkham."
"No thanks to you," snapped Ivy. "I can't believe you just ditched me like that, Harvey! Without a word, all because that stupid coin told you to!"
Joker chuckled. "Aw, what is it with you two gals and being stood up by men? Surely you can do better than the Bat Freak and the Bipolar Wonder? Maybe you should ask Santa for some self-respect this Christmas. Wasting your lives on guys who just aren't that into you – it's pathetic."
"Puddin', I brought cookies and a surprise," said Harley, returning with a tray in one hand and the mistletoe in the other. "Can I have my special mistletoe kiss now?"
"In a minute, you greedy brat!" shouted Joker, rounding on her. "Just beat it, would ya?! Go and be a good hostess before I shove you into the fireplace along with the chestnuts!"
Harley hurried off. Joker turned back around, beaming. "I'll leave you four to it. Pammie, I recommend making a New Years resolution that two is enough chances for this loser. Don't go back to him, whatever happens. And Kitty, Bats just ain't a cat person. There's nothing you can do to change him. If you really love him, let him go."
He patted Selina on the back and strolled off, grinning. "Did he just try to give us relationship advice?" muttered Selina.
"I think so," said Ivy. "But the day I take relationship advice from the clown will be a cold day in hell."
"Well, this is hell. And it is snowing," said Selina, looking up to see flakes drifting down from the ceiling. Ivy turned to see that Mr. Freeze was blasting snow into the air from his gun.
"What are you doing, Victor?" asked Ivy, going over to join him.
"Whatever I have to for Nora," muttered Freeze.
"Oh, Nora, Nora, Nora, give it a rest, Freeze!" snapped Harley, passing with her tray of cookies. "Just change the record, for God's sake! Now where's puddin'? Puddin'? Puddin'!"
Ivy watched her rush over to the sofa where Joker was sitting talking to Tetch and Crane. She seated herself in Joker's lap, ruffling his hair, until he shoved her away again. "What do you mean?" Ivy continued, turning back to Freeze. "Where is Nora?"
"The clown has her," he muttered. "And until I can make him tell me where she is, I'm compelled to do whatever he tells me to for her sake. At the moment, he wants it to be snowing. He said he's dreaming of a White Christmas."
"He probably thinks that's really funny," said Ivy, glaring at Joker. "He's such a bastard."
"He's a man who has never known what it is to love," murmured Freeze. "He treats it as a joke. But it is no joke. Have you ever loved someone, Pamela?"
"Sure," retorted Ivy, shrugging.
"How did it feel to lose them?" asked Freeze. "It is cold, is it not? Colder than the darkest winter, than the deepest snow, than the most biting frost. It makes your heart freeze until you can feel nothing but the emptiness and the cold. The cold like death."
"I'll help you get Nora back," said Ivy gently. "Harley will tell me where she is."
Freeze nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Pamela. Merry Christmas to you."
"Hey, snowman, keep making the white stuff or the ice-dame will enjoy an early spring, get me?!" shouted Joker from the sofa, noticing the snow had stopped.
Freeze gave him a look of utter loathing, but obeyed, as Ivy went over to face Joker.
"…I'm just saying it's not right," Joker was saying to Tetch. "It's just creepy, y'know? I'm not a guy who likes to judge others, but people can't help but get the wrong impression if you go around with a doll who's practically a kid. I mean, admit it, Hat, it does make you kinda a pedophile, doesn't it? The fact that you get off on all that kiddie stuff with a much younger gal? It's disgusting."
"Puddin', since your Harley baby has been a very, very good little girl, can she sit on Santa's lap and have her mistletoe kiss?" pleaded Harley.
"Sure, kiddo, come to Daddy," said Joker, holding out his arms and grinning. She squeaked in happiness and climbed into his lap.
"What?" asked Joker, noticing that Tetch was looking at him pointedly. "You gotta accept the truth about yourself sometime, Hatty old boy. You're a sick freak. Maybe this is the year you should get help for your perverted tendencies."
"You're such a selfless guy, Mr. J," sighed Harley, adoringly. "Saying the things that need to be said, even if no one else is brave enough to say them."
"I do my best, pooh," he replied, grinning at her. She smiled and held the mistletoe over his head, shutting her eyes. He sighed and pecked her on the lips. Harley opened her eyes in annoyance and dropped the mistletoe, seizing his face in both her hands and shoving her open mouth into his.
"Seeing what a nice guy you are really puts your Harley to shame, since she's been such a bad little girl this year," she whispered, drawing away at last. "You wanna hear all the naughty things I've done, Santa baby?"
"Santa does need to check his list twice, sweets," chuckled Joker. "You might as well remind me."
He looked up to see Ivy glaring at him, and grinned at her. "Been a naughty girl yourself this year, Pammie? Wanna tell Daddy Claus all about it?"
Ivy slapped him across the face. "Where's Nora Fries, you sick bastard?" she snapped.
"Aw, not you too, Red!" snapped Harley. "I'm sick of hearing the gal's name! Mr. J promised Santa would bring her back to Victor on Christmas morning, and Mr. J keeps his promises! Victor ain't got nothing to worry about!"
"I don't trust the disgusting piece of slime, Harley!" retorted Ivy. "Where is she, J?"
"That kinda language is going to get you on Santa's naughty list for sure, Pammie," laughed Joker.
"Puddin' is not a disgusting piece of slime!" shouted Harley, leaping to her feet and stepping in between Joker and Ivy. "He's the nicest, sweetest, handsomest, most wonderful man in the whole wide world! If you're gonna be rude, Red, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave before you ruin the whole party atmosphere!"
"I didn't want to come to this stupid party!" shouted Ivy. "And I'll be incredibly happy to leave the moment you tell me where Nora Fries is!"
Joker stood up, gently pushing Harley out of the way and smiling at Ivy. "I'm hurt, Pammie. I go through all this trouble to throw this party for my friends, and you come here with a bad attitude, insult me and my guests, and then start demanding things from me. It's not really in keeping with the spirit of the season, is it? It's a time for generosity and goodwill. I mean, I know you have a pretty crap life, perpetually alone and constantly failing in your chosen career, but why can't you put aside your anger and aggression for just this one day and embrace the holiday spirit? Now c'mon, Christmas hug!"
He held out his arms, beaming.
And Ivy punched him in the face.
Harley shrieked, leaping in front of him and hugging him tightly, turning to glare at Ivy. "What's the matter with you, Red?!" she demanded. "He's just trying to be nice! Why do you have to be so horrible to him all the time?!"
"Why…do…I…?" began Ivy, slowly, staring at Harley in disbelief. Then she grew angry. "You stupid little idiot!" she shrieked. "I'm sick of putting up with both of you! You wanna hear a New Year's resolution?! Here's one for you, J! I resolve never to have anything to do with the both of you ever again! You're dead to me, and if I ever see either of you again, you're gonna be dead to the world! So have a Merry Christmas and a happy goddamn New Year. Without me in it!"
She stormed out of the room to Joker's mocking laughter, slamming the front door on her way out. She headed back towards her hideout, resolving to return to see the clowns once more armed with her crossbow to make Joker tell her where Nora was. After which she would shoot him through the head.
But as she neared her hideout, she saw flashing blue lights. Puzzled, she walked over to watch from a safe distance. She saw that the police had found her hideout and were raiding it, taking out plant after plant, with Batman standing nearby, supervising the removal and talking to Commissioner Gordon.
Ivy muttered a series of swear words, sitting down in the snow and holding her face in her hands. This was the worst Christmas ever. All she had wanted was a little peace and quiet, and to be left alone and relax during the holidays. Now it was Christmas Eve and she was stuck out in the cold with no place to go. Well, there was one place…
She shook her head firmly. No. No, she wasn't going back there. She could go stay with Selina…no, Selina had said she was catching a plane. She could go ask Harvey if he would…no, that last time had been the final straw. She couldn't go back to him. It would be pathetic. And she was too proud to admit to him that the Bat had busted her yet again. But the only other option was…
"Well, look who's back!" said Joker, beaming at Ivy as he opened the door. "Knew you were joking about that whole never seeing us again, Pammie!"
"Batman raided my hideout," snapped Ivy. "I considered turning myself in and staying in Arkham for Christmas, but this seemed slightly less humiliating."
Joker giggled. "Don't pretend you don't secretly enjoy the humiliation, Pammie. Typical dame. No matter what they say, they always come crawling back!" he laughed, gesturing her inside. "Well, the others have left, but you might as well make yourself useful and help Harley with the clean-up."
"Oh. It's you," said Harley, pausing in her sweeping as she noticed Ivy and glaring coldly at her. "What are you doing here, Red? Thought you didn't want to see us no more."
"I told you she was kidding, pooh bear," said Joker, kissing Harley. "Pammie enjoys her little jokes almost as much as I do."
"You come here to apologize?" snapped Harley. "You ruined the party, y'know. Nobody could be cheerful or festive after you said those horrible things. I hope you're pleased with yourself, Red. Why do you have to be so goddamn melodramatic all the time?"
Ivy gritted her teeth. "Harley, you've always been a good friend to me. I'm here because Batman raided my hideout and I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm just going to stay the one night so I don't freeze to death, and in the morning I'll go if you want."
"What I want is a little apology!" shouted Harley. "You tried to ruin Christmas! Mr. J loves Christmas! It's his favorite time of the year, the one day that always makes him smile, and you tried to take that away from both of us by throwing a temper tantrum! The least you can do is apologize! Mr. J's clearly already forgiven you, because he's a great guy like that, but I ain't that much of a pushover! You can't just show up here and expect things to suddenly be ok between us again!"
"I am sorry, Harley," said Ivy, quietly.
Harley glared at her. "You mean that?" she demanded.
"Yes," replied Ivy. "I'm sorry, Harley. I want things to be ok between us again. You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose you over some stupid fight. Merry Christmas?" she asked, holding open her arms.
Harley's face instantly lit up. "Merry Christmas, Red!" she exclaimed, rushing to hug her.
"Aw, ain't that sweet?" said Joker, beaming. "Nothing makes me happier than seeing two loving hearts reunited. Speaking of which, Santa better start his sleigh ride," he chuckled, striding over to the chest freezer and pulling out Nora Fries.
"Better hurry so she don't melt, puddin'," said Harley, kissing his cheek.
"Yeah, yeah, give me a second," said Joker, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a tube of lipstick. He drew a mustache and a goatee on Nora's face then wrote HA HA HAPPY HOLIDAYS, LOVE J adding a smiley face at the bottom of the block of ice.
"Right, bedtime, kiddo, so Santa can bring your presents," said Joker, standing up and slapping Harley's bottom playfully.
"Oooh, I'm too excited to sleep, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, clapping her hands.
"Well, you gotta, or no presents for you, sweets," he said, kissing her nose. "Bed, kid. Now."
She whined but obeyed him, rushing down the hall. Joker pushed Nora outside into the snow, which coated the ground and fell in soft flakes from the sky, then tied her to the roof of his car. "You're really gonna give her back to Victor?" asked Ivy, following him to the door.
"Sure, why not?" he asked.
She shrugged. "Thought you'd think it was funny to, I dunno, kill her or something."
"And why would that be funny?" he asked, turning to face her, puzzled. "Killing people ain't funny on its own, Pammie. Anyone can kill people. You gotta have a gag to go with it, some kinda joke, or what's the point?"
"And you couldn't think of a joke for Nora Fries?" asked Ivy.
Joker shrugged. "Probably, if I really thought about it. But it's Christmas, Pammie, and I'm a busy man tonight. Can't waste my time struggling to come up with jokes that don't really work, not when I got presents to get. It's a busy time of year – you gotta learn to prioritize. That's your problem, Pam. You never put the important things first. I said bed, Harley!" he shouted as she appeared in the doorway, dressed in reindeer pajamas.
"Just wanted to wish Santa good luck with his delivery, puddin'," she murmured, rushing out into the snow and embracing him. "And to say Merry Christmas and tell him I love him so much."
Joker chuckled. "Santa's a lucky guy," he said, pinching her cheek. "Bedtime, pooh. Now."
She squeaked, kissed him again, and then grabbed Ivy's arm. "C'mon, Red, you need to get ready for bed too, or Santa won't come!"
Ivy looked at her. This was childish and stupid, but Harley looked so indescribably happy that Ivy couldn't bear not to play along. "Ok, Harley, I'm coming," she sighed. "See you tomorrow, J. And Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Pammie," he said, smiling at her. "And remember, pooh, no peeking until Christmas morning!" he shouted at Harley.
"Don't worry, Mr. J, I'll be a good girl!" said Harley waving at him. "Bring me lots of presents, ok?"
"Ok, ok, you greedy brat," he snapped. She beamed, blew him a kiss, and then shut the door. Joker looked around at the falling snow and then laughed as he got into his car, smiling to himself and chuckling, "I love Christmas!"