"IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING!" awoke Ivy early the next day. She rubbed her eyes and blearily glanced at the clock. It was 5 AM.
"CHRISTMAS MORNING!" came the shriek again, and Ivy heard the springs of the bed next door squeaking, as if someone was jumping on it. "C'MON, C'MON, MR. J, WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING!"
Ivy heard a groan from next door, then a loud bang. She assumed Harley had been pushed off the bed, but she seemed undeterred, for the jumping resumed a moment later as Harley continued to shout, "C'MON, MR. J! CHRISTMAS! C'MON, WAKE UP! I WANNA OPEN PRESENTS!"
There was another loud bang, and then inarticulate shouting followed by several different bangs, as if someone was firing a gun. A second later, the door slammed open and Ivy heard Harley running off down the hall shouting, "Ok, ok, I'll make you some coffee first!"
Ivy shut her eyes, trying to fall back asleep, but she was woken up a few minutes later by a loud knocking on her door. "Red! Wake up! It's Christmas morning! Santa's come and brought presents! C'mon, wake up so we can open them!"
"More interested in sleep than presents, Harley," retorted Ivy, pulling her pillow over her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Red, it's Christmas!" continued Harley. "It's the most magical day of the year! You gotta wake up and enjoy it! C'mon! I got coffee!"
The smell of coffee did the trick in luring Ivy out of bed. She yawned and stretched and opened the door to see Harley still in her pajams, beaming the biggest smile she had ever seen, and holding two mugs of coffee. She shoved one at her, and then spilled it by leaping into her arms and crying, "Merry Christmas, baby!"
"Yeah…Merry Christmas, Harl," yawned Ivy, patting her on the back.
Harley kissed her cheek. "Just gonna go wake up Mr. J! Might give him one of his Christmas presents in bed, y'know, really wake him up by starting Christmas off with a little private bang, so you relax and have your coffee and we'll be out to open presents soon, kay?"
It was too early for Ivy to fully process what Harley meant, and she didn't really want to, so she just nodded and headed back to bed as Harley rushed off to their room. She dropped off to sleep again fairly easily, until she heard another bang from next door, and then the Joker's chuckle. "Oh, baby, popping the can o'snakes is the best visual gag you've ever done! Aw, I love ya, kid! Merry Christmas!"
He kept laughing, which prevented Ivy from sleeping, as did the thought of what visual gag Harley could have used a can o'snakes for, so she slowly got dressed until Harley knocked on her door again.
"C'mon, Red, present time!"
Ivy opened the door to see Harley still in her reindeer pajamas and the Joker wearing a purple bathrobe, smiling from ear to ear as he patted Harley's head affectionately. "Morning, J," yawned Ivy. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too, Pammie!" said Joker, starting forward with arms outstretched.
"I'd prefer it if you didn't touch me, thanks," said Ivy, hastily. "I don't know where your hands have been."
He laughed. "Ask Harley," he giggled.
"Puddin's getting on Santa's naughty list nice and early for next year!" giggled Harley.
"What a great image to start Christmas with," sighed Ivy.
"Aw, don't worry, Pammie, you'll have another one soon," chuckled Joker as they walked down the hall to the main room. "You should see Harley tearing open her presents – she's like a lion ripping apart an antelope. But I think this year she's going to have competition," he giggled.
"What, from me?" asked Ivy, puzzled.
"No, no," he laughed. "Stay here a second, pooh, and let me check on something," he said, opening the door to the main room. He peered in, laughed again, and threw open the door, flicking on the lights and saying, "Merry Christmas, baby!"
Harley looked, stunned, under the tree, where a giant pile of stuffed animals, including the dog she had asked for, were being ripped apart by a yipping pair of hyena cubs, their tails wagging in excitement. Harley stared at them for a moment and then let out a high-pitched scream of excitement, throwing herself into Joker's arms. "Oh, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "Oh, I love you! I love you so much, puddin'! This is the best present anyone's ever got me! Aren't they just the cutest, most precious things in the whole wide world?!" she exclaimed, rushing toward them. They bounded off the pile of destroyed animals and leaped into her waiting arms, licking and nipping her affectionately. "Oh, babies! You're just the sweetest babies in the world, aren't you? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! And Mommy loves you so much, yes she does!" she cooed, cuddling them close. "Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed, picking the wriggling cubs up and going over to him. She kissed him tenderly. "Oh, thank you so much, puddin'! Ain't they just gorgeous, Red?" she asked, holding one out to Ivy.
Ivy looked at the slobbering, hairy thing her arms and tried not to wrinkle her nose in disgust. "I'm not really an animal person, Harley," she said. "But if you like them, that's what matters."
"Like them?" Harley repeated. "I love them! I love them so much, my cuddly, sweet, cute little babies!" she squealed, holding them tightly. She put them down reluctantly and kissed Joker again. "Wait here, puddin', just need to get your present! Don't think it'll be as great as mine, but what could be?"
She kissed him again and rushed off down the hall. Joker picked up a stuffed animal from the pile and threw it at a cub. "They are cute little things, aren't they?" he chuckled as the hyena ripped the animal's head off.
"Like I said, not an animal person," replied Ivy, backing away as the other cub came toward her and leapt up. "Get offa my leg!" snapped Ivy, kicking it away.
Joker giggled. "Aw, see he likes you, Pammie! No male can resist you, whatever the species!"
He kept laughing as he sat down on the floor and petted the cubs, who began climbing all over him, licking him. He grabbed another stuffed animal and began playing tug of war with them. "Maybe I can teach you mutts some tricks," he said, grinning. "Go get Pammie!" he shouted, throwing the toy at her. The hyenas chased after it.
"I said off!" shouted Ivy, kicking at the cubs again.
"Hey, Red, don't kick the babies!" exclaimed Harley, entering the room at that moment and dragging a giant Santa sack. She rushed over to the cubs and cuddled them. "Poor, sweet, innocent little darlings! Mommy's here now to protect you from the nasty plant lady! Honestly, Red, there's no need to be mean just because you don't feel the same way as I do about them! I don't go around picking flowers or cutting weeds or anything outta respect for you!"
Ivy was about to point out the giant Christmas tree and the strings of holly in the room, but realized it wouldn't make a difference. Harley cooed over the hyenas some more, and then returned to the sack, dragging it to the tree. "There you go, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, turning to him and beaming. "Merry Christmas, baby!"
Joker untied the sack, peeked inside, and laughed hysterically. "Aw, baby, you're the greatest! It's just what I've always wanted!"
He pulled down the sack to reveal Batman, tied and unconscious. The hyena cubs rushed over this new friend and began licking his face, and Batman stirred. He slowly regained consciousness to the beaming faces of the Joker and Harley Quinn.
"Merry Christmas, Bats!" exclaimed Joker, hugging him tightly. "This is such a swell surprise from my Harley girl! You're gonna spend the day with us and Pammie and it's just gonna be the best Christmas ever!"
Batman noticed that Ivy was there too, glaring at him in utter loathing. He tried to reach his utility belt through his ropes, but realized he wasn't wearing it. He looked up to see Harley handing it to Joker, kissing him gently. "Merry Christmas, sweetie," she whispered.
"You jerk," muttered Ivy. "It's your fault I have to be here today, when I could have spent a nice, relaxing Christmas on my own in my own place! But you had to go and raid it! Merry Christmas, you dumb bastard!"
She punched him hard in the face, but Joker shoved her away, embracing Batman protectively and glaring at Ivy. "Hey, nobody said you could play with my toy, Pammie! Bats is my Christmas present! Hands off!"
"Oooh, whaddya get me, Red?" asked Harley, seizing the package Ivy had given her and ripping it open. She pulled off the lid to reveal a set of lingerie, decorated with Batman logos.
"Thought J would be really into that, being massively in love with the Bat and all," said Ivy. "Although I didn't know Bats would be here to see it. I would say I'm sorry for giving you that image, Bats, but I'm not really."
"He ain't massively in love with the Bat!" snapped Harley. But her face instantly brightened as she held it up. "Thanks, though, Red, it's really cute! I got you something else too, since you probably lost the other present in the raid!" she said, beaming at her and handing her a package. "I was saving it for your birthday, but I guess I'll have to find you something else now."
"Hang on, pooh, we'll give her both of ours at the same time," said Joker, reaching under the tree and picking up his gift to Ivy. "Sorry we didn't get you anything, Bats, but I for one didn't know you'd be here! I guess I'll just have to give you my warm hospitality!"
He giggled, kissing his cheek. Ivy unwrapped Joker's first – it was a knife. "What am I meant to do with this, aside from stab you in the face?" asked Ivy.
"Open Harley's present," chuckled Joker. Ivy did, to reveal a doll knitted to look like Two-Face. "Go nuts!" laughed Joker. "Cut him as many different faces as you want!"
"Did you make this yourself, Harley?" asked Ivy, surprised.
"Yeah," replied Harley, beaming. "It was a lotta work, but I thought it would be worth it to see the look on your face when you're stabbing it!"
"I wouldn't want to ruin something you made me…" began Ivy, but at that moment, one of the hyena cubs seized the doll in its jaws and began ripping it apart.
"Aw, baby, no!" exclaimed Harley, trying to pull it away from him. "Bad! Put it down, sweetie! That's Red's!"
The cub tugged harder, thinking it was a game, and Harley ripped the head off. She looked at it for a moment as the hyena sat down to chew on the body contentedly, then handed the head to Ivy. "You can still cut him a new face," she said, shrugging.
Ivy was really starting to hate the hyenas. And so, she could tell, was Batman. He was powerless to push them away as they climbed all over him, licking his face and gnawing on his ropes, chuckling to themselves.
"What are we gonna name the babies, puddin'?" asked Harley, gazing at them adoringly as she leaned against Joker's chest.
"They're funny little guys," chuckled Joker, as one began chewing on the point of Batman's mask. "We should name 'em after a comedy duo."
"Stan and Ollie?" asked Harley.
Joker shook his head. "Nah, not quite right."
"Amos and Andy?"
"No, don't think so. How about…"
"Bud and Lou?"
Joker laughed. "I was just thinking that, baby. Yeah, Bud and Lou suits 'em, somehow. Little Bud and Lou."
He petted them affectionately as they came over to them. Then he turned to Harley and kissed her. "Right, kiddo, hot cocoa, breakfast, and movie time! Hop to it!"
"C'mon, babies, help Mommy in the kitchen!" called Harley. They raced after her, tails wagging.
"Harley and I have a couple of traditions on Christmas Day," explained Joker to Ivy and Batman. "After presents we have breakfast and hot cocoa and watch It's a Wonderful Life. You ever seen It's a Wonderful Life, Bats?"
"No," growled Batman, looking around and trying to figure out some way to escape this nightmarish situation he found himself in.
"Aw, you're in for a real treat!" chuckled Joker, dragging him over to the TV. "It's a real feel good classic! Reminds you just how great it is to be alive! I just can't stop smiling all the way through it!"
There were worse ways to spend Christmas morning than sitting through a classic movie, thought Ivy. She sat on the sofa enjoying breakfast and cocoa with Joker and Harley, while Batman sat on the floor with the hyenas. But she hadn't counted on the fact that Joker and Harley seemed to have every single line of the film memorized, and spoke them along with the characters in it.
"Look Daddy! Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings!" exclaimed Harley, along with the movie.
"That's right! That's right! Atta boy, Clarence!" said Joker. The two of them then began singing along to Auld Lang Syne, largely out of tune, with the hyenas joining in. "The End" appeared on screen and Ivy let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank God that's over," she muttered.
"Oh, puddin', it just gives me a warm fuzzy glow inside!" giggled Harley, hugging him.
"Don't it just make you wanna smile, Bats?" exclaimed Joker, beaming at him. "It's a bit like us, ain't it? I mean, if you or me were suddenly erased from existence, just think how boring and depressing the world would be! I know my life would be empty without you!"
Batman didn't respond - he was still desperately trying to think of a way to escape. If he could just reach a knife or something…
Harley stood up and went over to the fireplace, grabbing her stocking and stuffing a handful of candy in her mouth. "Hey, don't eat all that, you greedy brat, you'll spoil your appetite!" exclaimed Joker, snatching it away from her. "I ain't gonna be slaving over dinner all day just to have you not eat it!"
"You're making Christmas dinner, J?" asked Ivy, astonished.
"Yeah, Harley's a lousy cook," retorted Joker. "So it's the one day of the year I contribute. I won't be forced to eat crap at Christmas – it's just not right. I better go get dressed and get started, actually. You entertain Bats while I'm gone, pooh," he said, patting her head.
"You two wanna help me train the babies?" asked Harley, beaming at them as Joker left. "We can try teaching them to sit! C'mon, babies, sit down, sweetie!" she cooed.
Ivy wasn't an animal person, but even she knew when training animals, you had to be firm and disciplined, two things Harley just wasn't by nature. She fawned over them as they ignored her commands, petting them and treating them just for being cute. Ivy guessed finding being ignored and disregarded adorable was just in Harley's nature. That was why she was crazy. Ivy herself kept her eye on Batman, making sure he didn't try anything and wasn't near any sharp objects. The last thing she was going to do was spend Christmas in Arkham, and even if she had to beat Joker's Christmas present to a bloody pulp, she was going to keep her vow.
They heard the front door slam at last. "Daddy's back!" shrieked Harley, rushing out into the hall with hyenas at her heels. They all three leapt at him, sending the plate of turkey he was carrying clattering to the ground.
"Aw, dammit, Harley, that's dinner!" shouted Joker, furiously. "Pick it up now, before Bud and Lou get it!"
"Sure, Mr. J," said Harley, scrambling to grab the turkey away from the jaws of one of the hyenas. She examined it carefully. "Looks ok," she said, dusting it off.
"Yeah, no thanks to you," he snapped. "Make yourself useful and take the rest of the stuff in the car to the dining room, would ya? Pammie, Bats, dinner!" he called.
Ivy entered, dragging Batman behind her, to see several dishes of prepared food laid on the table. "Oh," she said. "When you said you were making Christmas dinner, you meant…"
"I meant I would have a family donate theirs!" chuckled Joker. "Tis the season of giving and all! And as I have to suffer crap cooking most of my life, it's the least they can do to be generous and help out the less fortunate. It's a time for charity, after all."
Harley and Ivy sat down, and Ivy placed Batman in a chair next to her as the hyenas scrambled underneath, sitting near Harley's chair and begging. Joker stood at the head of the table, picking up a knife and beginning to carve the turkey with precision. "This takes me back to Christmas '02, you remember that one, Bats?" he giggled.
"I do, Mr. J!" cried Harley. "It was the Merry Mutilation year, wasn't it?"
"Quite right, pooh," replied Joker, smiling. "It's just not the same carving up a dead, cooked bird. I miss the screaming, y'know?"
"You want me to scream for you, puddin'?" asked Harley.
"Yeah, go ahead, kid, might be nice," he said. Ivy covered her ears as Harley let out a series of high-pitched screams to coincide with Joker's slicing. He giggled. "Much better!"
The screaming continued until the turkey was carved. "Pammie, hand me Bats's plate," he said. "Guest of honor should be served first. You like dark or white meat, Bats? Wait, don't tell me, lemme guess!" he chuckled. "You ain't called the White Knight, are ya?"
"Mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie, aw, this looks perfect, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, clapping her hands.
"Yeah, help yourself to the rest," he said. "Pammie, you might have to help Bats. Pumpkin pie?"
"Yes?" said Harley.
"Not you, Harley, I was asking Bats if he wanted some pumpkin pie," retorted Joker.
"Oh." Harley giggled. "I'm sure he does. Bats likes his pie."
"That's not what I hear from Kitty!" chuckled Joker. They both burst out laughing. Ivy tried to ignore them, but she had to admit, the food was good. She would have been happy to have seconds, but after everyone had been served, Joker threw the rest of the food on the floor for the hyenas, which, needless to say, did not warm Ivy's feelings towards them.
"Picture time!" said Harley suddenly, standing up and clapping her hands in excitement. "And we won't have to set the timer this time! You can take our family photo this year, can't you, Red?"
"I guess," sighed Ivy. They returned to the main room, where Joker placed Batman in front of the fireplace. He and Harley stood either side of him, holding a hyena each. "Oooh, wait, wait, wait, pooh!" said Joker suddenly, handing Harley the cub. "I wanna give Bats his present first! Picked up something for you while I was out, Bats, because I felt bad that you were the only one without gifts this morning." He returned carrying a wrapped parcel. Joker flicked out his knife, cut Batman's ropes, and then held it to his neck, handing him the package. "Go on, open it," he chuckled.
Batman obeyed. A cream pie on a spring shot out and splattered in his face. The photo Ivy ended up taking was of the moment afterward, with Batman's face covered in pie filling, Joker laughing hysterically, and Harley kissing Batman's cheek while the hyenas licked pie from his face. And a moment later, Joker had grabbed the poker by the fireplace and struck Batman in the head, knocking him unconscious.
"What now, Mr. J?" asked Harley.
"Now I do my Christmas good deed," chuckled Joker, dragging Batman's body out of the room and into the hall. He opened the door and threw it out in the snow.
"You're letting him go?" asked Ivy, incredulous.
Joker laughed. "Remember what I told Kitty, Pammie. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. And Bats always comes back to me."
He threw the utility belt out after him and slammed the door, giggling. "Well, what a great day, but I don't mind telling you, I'm beat!" he yawned. "Ready to hit the sack, kiddo?" he asked Harley.
"Sure, Mr. J," she said, kissing his cheek. "Can the babies sleep with us?"
"Think it's probably best you tie them up outside, pooh," he replied.
"Aw, but it's freezing out there, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley. "And they're so warm and snuggly!"
"Yeah, so am I, kid," he retorted. "And I don't wanna be crowded."
Harley stuck her bottom lip out. "You have to be nice and generous, puddin'!" she snapped. "It's Christmas!"
The clock struck midnight at that moment. "Not anymore it ain't," retorted Joker. "So tie the mutts up outside, you worthless dame, or it won't be funny!"
"I ain't gonna let the babies freeze, you dumb jerk!" shouted Harley.
"You're gonna do as I say!" he shouted.
"I'm just gonna go to bed," said Ivy, quickly. "Thanks for today – it was a nice Christmas."
"Yeah?" asked Harley, beaming at her. "You really think so, Red?"
Ivy felt she probably shouldn't lie at Christmas. But since it wasn't technically Christmas anymore, she nodded and said, "Sure I do, Harley."
"You wanna spend next Christmas with us too?" asked Harley, excitedly. "I'm already looking forward to it!"
"I'll…think about it," said Ivy, slowly.
"Bud, Lou, leave Red alone!" said Harley, trying to pull the cubs off her. "Sorry, Red, they've just got this attraction to you…"
"Yeah. Curse my fatal allure," retorted Ivy, rolling her eyes. "You two sleep well. Merry Christmas."
Ivy headed to her room and shut the door. She was just about to drop off when she suddenly heard barking and yapping, and Joker shouting, "Harley! I said outside, you useless, stupid woman!" The barking was joined by a series of shouting and bangings as Ivy heard them get into one of their usual fights. She sighed, pulling the pillow over her head. No matter how much Harley begged her, she promised herself, next Christmas she was spending alone.
The End