Chapter 9 - Wandering Souls

Draco did not know how they expected him to bear the situation. Surely no one in his right mind would just agree to be kept in the dark, to trust strangers and to be amenable to the screaming fact that he had no idea who he was. He was lost, but he wasn't. In being astray, there must be some sense of where one wanted to go, but somewhere along the path, that person wandered off to a different direction. He had no direction. He was not lost. He did not even know where the hell he came from, and they would not tell him, would not even give him a single strand of enlightenment. He could not allow himself to be so helpless anymore. He would lose himself, completely, with no one telling him what he must do. He would kill himself.

His Aunt told him, over and over that his mother loved him so much that she gave him up for him to be able to start anew. His dreams told otherwise. His only recollection of the past had a different story. He was at the edge of a cliff, similar to where he was. His mother, the woman in the photograph he kept was across him, muttering something. In the reverie, he was so confused that he just stood and watched that woman as her lips moved. She raised a wooden stick and yelled another incomprehensible word. A flash of red light travelled towards him. Then, he was flying. He closed his eyes and embraced his coming demise.

Then he woke up. He was not even afraid. Surely, if you dreamt of your death, you must be afraid, right? But he wasn't. All that was left in him was and the strong determination to end his life. The morning after the dream was a beautiful one. The rays of the sun entered his room. He walked towards his window and admired the simple but grand splendor of the place. Then he just knew, he was just certain that he had to say goodbye to the world, to this world. It was clear that he did not belong there, that the people in the house knew nothing about him.

It was acceptable that the people in this god-forsaken place did not want him to know anything. He understood that, maybe not completely but he was trying. He got up from his bed every morning blindly accepting that they knew enough to enlighten him but for some reason, they were refusing to do so. But to lie to him? To make him believe that his mother loved him when she just muttered and launched him off a cliff was unacceptable. He wished to just have fallen, for his body to hit the rocks below or for him to be just swallowed by the sea.

Draco was so angry. He was consumed by his rage. They were toying with him. They made him a pawn in this elaborate chess game, made him believe in things that were not close to the truth at all. He loathed them - his aunt, his uncle, his cousin and the stranger with the unruly brown hair—but he despised his mother most of all. How could a mother even think of killing her own son? Was he so undesirable that she had to throw him off a fucking cliff?

Draco went outside of his room, silently thanked whoever there was in control of his fate that nobody was up yet. In a heartbeat, he cursed that all-knowing entity too. Why me? Why the hell me? Why the fuck me? Why must I be a victim in of this chaos? Why? He wanted to scream but decided against it. The people in the place he was living in were, he felt, too noble for suicide.

There were so many ways to take one's life. He could just go to the kitchen, grab a knife and slit his throat. There were a number of odd-looking bottles in the cabinet in the loo. If he drank all of those, he was sure that something bad would happen to him. There were so many ways but he chose to jump off a cliff. There was something very poetic about finishing what his mother started. He was not doing it to help his mother in her plans of eliminating him from the world but to mock her. He wanted to show to show her wonderful was he especially in the task that his mother failed to do.

He went outside, immersed himself in the glory and warmth of the sun. He wanted to run and embrace death's arms but he decided to really live his last few moments. It was what his Aunt told him to do. He did not want to be too defiant. He wanted to do something for all of them, his mother, his aunt and all the other people he met in his very short rebirth. For them, he would savor his final breaths.

He walked, as slowly as he could towards the end of the cliff, answering the call of the sky, the sun and the sea. He closed his eyes and jumped. Once again, he was flying. He was again under the familiar sensation that he experienced in his dreams mere hours ago. He closed his eyes, bracing for the fall. He waited and waited but he was just there, suspended in mid-air.

"Are you mental?" He heard a voice, livid beyond measure.

He felt himself moving but not towards the unknown depths of the sea but towards the ground he walked on just moments before his jump. The sense of floating left him and he was down on the ground with a loud thud. His short fall hurt more than it should have. It was obvious to him that he was carelessly dropped on purpose but he did not care. He should have been dead by now, lost forever not sprawled on the ground enduring back pains.

"What the hell were you thinking?" The voice was more furious now, if that was possible. He remained unmoving, wishing that the save was too late.

He heard footsteps running towards him. The rush was too evident. He could almost sense the panic in them. "Have you completely lost your mind?" Now, the voice was yelling at his face. He shut his eyes tighter, wishing for death to come. As if the thunderous voice wasn't enough, he felt a loud smack of a palm against his face.

That was enough. He sat up and pushed the woman sitting beside him. What he did shocked him. He held her arm but she already stumbled. He was lost for a minute or so, he breathed deeply and remembered his rage. He yelled, "In case, you are too defunct to notice, yes I have lost my mind. I don't remember shit about me and you, you have been going around like you are some sort of god who have known me all my life!" He could feel his whole body warm up, his eyes blazing and his pale face red with fury.

"But I…" Hermione gaped at him, trailing into silence.

"No, you should have just let me die! Why did you save me, why? Yesterday I was a monster to you! You accused me of faking everything!" Draco's voice, together with his whole body trembled with anger.

"But I said sorry!" Hermione stood up and exclaimed.

"You think that's enough? You think apologizing will do anything? Well, you are fucking wrong!" Draco helped himself up as well. He looked at Hermione and tried to burn her with her stared.

"You tried to kill yourself because of what I said?" Hermione gasped. It took her one deep breath before she could speak again, "I'm-"

"You do not matter to me! I could not care less!" Draco screamed. His words were out of his mouth before he could think. He was aware that he was cruel but he only spoke of the truth. Who did this woman think she was? She was delusional to even consider that her words wounded him enough to decide that he wanted to die. His injuries stemmed from something deeper and greater, something that his mother took away from him, his past.

"Then why?" Hermione's voice was kind, almost concerned. She tried to touch Draco's shoulder but he brushed her hand off.

"Nobody wants me alive anyway." Draco took a deep breath and yelled, "My own mother tried to kill me!" The betrayal was evident in Draco's voice and it was making his voice quaver.

Since his dream, he thought about his mother trying to murder him countless of times. It hurt him but the agony was greater once he said it out loud. For a moment, the viciousness of his demeanor was gone.

"That's not true!" Hermione defended.

"There you go again, acting like you fucking know everything." He shouted once more but his voice trailed as his eyes searched for his shoes, "I saw it, with my own eyes. I gather she Obliviated me before she launched me off a cliff."

"You don't know anything!" Hermione cried.

"That's fucking right! I don't know anything so I don't want to be anything. I want to disappear into nothingness. Why couldn't you just have left me alone?" His temper was escalating. How dare this woman rub it in my face that I am basically nothing, he thought.

"Because I understand…" Hermione murmured.

"You know you don't! Must you lie to me all the time?" Draco was so consumed by his wrath. He wanted to push her, hurt her in any way he could but he stopped himself. She was still a woman, he thought.

"Not you." Hermione paused, "Your mother. I understand your mother."

"Have you ever tried to kill your own son?"

"No but I also made the ones I love forget."

"And you want me to be happy about that? Do you want me to rejoice in the fact that both you and my mother do not have enough respect for the minds of other people? Do you?"

"No—"

"So you don't get to say anything!"

Hermione held Draco's shoulders and shook him. It surprised her how she was able to do it since the man was considerable taller than her. Maybe it was her understanding of Narcissa. She wouldn't let Draco think ill of his mother, the same way that she wouldn't want her parents to hate her. She just desperately wanted him to understand. "Listen to me!" She screamed. Her sudden control of the situation shocked Draco. Draco just stared at her, dumbfounded.

She continued, "You know nothing and yet you do not let us explain. You do not even ask! You just do rash things without even thinking. You have lost your memories but not your mind! You could think! You know that's not true! You know your mother did not try to kill you! How could she when you are here perfectly safe?" Her words were almost a plea. She will do whatever it takes for Draco to realize that what Narcissa did had to be done, that Narcissa's actions were ultimately for his protection.

"But I saw it… I saw her. I felt the red light crash against my chest." Hermione's words made Draco doubt what he fiercely believed in. He could feel her despair although he did not understand why.

"Ask Draco, ask! You just can't do this. She had given up so much for you to be safe. You can't do this to her!" Now, it was Hermione's turn to be angry. She knew that she had no right to be but if not anger, there would be hopelessness. Hope was something too valuable for her so she held on to her rage.

"I can't?" Draco hissed. "I can't?" This time, he yelled. "Did she ask me if I wanted to forget everything? She did not! She just decided that it would be best to toy with my mind without even asking me! I might have understood!"

"You still wouldn't have remembered."

"She could have explained."

"Why do you act like you know everything?"

"Because I did the same thing." Hermione spoke softly then continued, "I made the ones I love forget me."

"Forget you?"

"I erased myself from their minds…" Her voice trailed and tears escaped her eyes. "They do not know that they are missing something. You are fortunate, at least you know there is something you have to search for."

"It's just too hard. I lost everything. I feel so astray, so alone."

"You did not lose everything. You still have us."

"You know I don't belong here."

"I know I might have implied that but I could be wrong."

"You are right."

"How can you be so certain? Since you've arrived you've done nothing but sulk and ignore us."

"What did you want me to do? Did you want me to celebrate the fact that I am left with nothing and that I am sharing a house with strangers?"

"But we are all you have."

"You do not really care for me. You just have to."

"Then help us, help us feel for you beyond our responsibilities."

"I can't. Just leave me be."

"I won't. You have me. You'll always have me."Hermione looked into his eyes. She touched his hand and gave him a small smile.