So I guess I could apologize, but the fact that I even wrote this when I have two exams this coming week is pretty much a miracle. :P
I do want to thank every single person who reads, reviews, likes, favourites, comments, gives constructive criticism, and generally has anything to do with this story. Sorry that I can't get back to all of you, but you all need to know how much I love you. The Chuck fandom lives on because you guys all exist out there to read and provide your own input. This is all for you (okay, and maybe to give myself a little closure too).
Please don't be alarmed by the start of this chapter, it all ends up okay. And besides, the last little bit is probably one of my favourite things I've written ever. So I hope you like it! :)
Disclaimer: If I owned Chuck, I would probably have been at Comiccon the last few years. But alas, that is what youtube is for.
Heart vs. Mind - Chapter 3
Once Ellie and Awesome left two days after Chuck and Sarah's "first date", the two tried to work out a rhythm. Which for Sarah means trying to find her own space living, or even a little breathing room, with a man as enthusiastic as Chuck. He finally moved into the spare bedroom, after transferring Casey's bedframe into Morgan's old room, but Sarah is still having trouble finding time to be herself and take it all in.
Don't get her wrong, Sarah is enjoying her time relearning about the nerd from the Buy More. Every day she is finding little things about Chuck that make her heart swoon, but she just doesn't have time to process any of it because Chuck is always around. Maybe a part of her just wants to jump him and pull him into bed, while another wants to have deep meaningful conversations, while another wants to watch him from afar, while another wants to run away as fast as she can so that she can process the last few days and maybe stop feeling so overwhelmed. Then there is the small part of herself saying that she should run forever and never look back, but Sarah is trying to push that part down as far as it will go. After a week and a half of living with Chuck, however, that fighting side of Sarah's mind wants her to run, but maybe just to get some space to process how quickly her heart is forcing her into love.
At first, Sarah tried to keep her mind happy by basing her schedule off of Chuck's. She would get up for an early morning run, return home after Chuck has showered to use the bathroom herself, and by the time she is out he has gone to the Buy More for work, giving Sarah a few precious hours of time alone. But those hours were never truly enough for her to have any breathing room. Chuck seemed to never want Sarah alone longer than an hour or two, always coming home with take out for lunch or calling to check up on her every hour. And while some would consider it sweet, Sarah is just finding it too clingy. Too smothering. Too overwhelming. Especially when, no matter what her heart tells her, she hasn't really fallen in love with him again. And she just can't remember a damn thing to prove to her mind that it can happen!
Sarah's heart pounds as she approaches the oblivious Chuck, currently enthralled with whatever video game he is playing. He has been preoccupied with it for the past few hours, giving Sarah her most needed quiet to think over some important things. But Sarah knows that she has to speak up now, or she might lose the will power.
"Chuck?" Sarah says. He remains unmoving, other than the fingers on his hands quickly tapping the buttons on his remote.
"Chuck?" Sarah tries again, a little louder this time. Still nothing. She leans over and taps Chuck on the shoulder lightly. The reaction is instant, his entire body shooting up into the air and a very girlish yelp coming out of him, followed by a large boom from the television. Sarah holds back the giggle that tries to escape, keeping her face straight for the conversation at hand.
Chuck turns around, his heart pounding and his face angry. "Sarah, what have I told you about interrupting me while I'm on a raid?" After a moment of quiet, Chuck sighs, realizing Sarah probably doesn't remember the amount of times she has interrupted him while in the middle of an important battle. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Sarah says, her arms crossing over her chest. "There's something I want to talk to you about."
"Okay." Chuck replies. He slides down on the couch, making room for Sarah, but she stands her ground. After she doesn't make a move, Chuck motions for her to speak.
"I think I should move out." Sarah says.
"I'm sorry, what?" Chuck asks, his eyes as wide as saucers. He has no idea what has brought this on – Chuck thought he was being the perfect boyfriend. He wasn't pressuring Sarah into anything, lets her go out to god knows where in the mornings, sleeping in the other room, bringing her meals. Unable to think of anything to say, he just stares at Sarah in confusion.
"I just…" Sarah shakes her head, unable to come up with the right words to voice how she feels.
"You… but… why?" Chuck manages to stutter out.
Sarah takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and turning away from Chuck. It is always easier to deal with emotions when you aren't face to face with the person, something Sarah learnt in training. "I just feel smothered here. Everything is moving too fast. I need some time."
"Okay." Chuck says, not really processing anything. "How much time?"
"Enough time until I can get some perspective."
"Perspective on what?" Chuck asks.
Sarah turns around abruptly, her eyes flaming. "Look, Chuck. I am trying here. Trying really hard to love you, and having you around all the time isn't really helping that! I have no time to process anything, or figure out what I am feeling on my own without you here! Or if I am feeling something new or if it's the ghost of a memory! And I don't even know what I am feeling because you are always there compromising my emotions!"
"Oh, so now I am an emotion compromiser? What does that even mean?" Chuck says, his anger escalating as well.
"That is NOT what I meant! Chuck, you don't know what it's like! I barely know you, yet you know me completely. I'm finding out all these new things, and not only about you. About me as well! And do you know how much time I have to process it all? I have from the time you leave for work until when you get back for lunch, or when you call me, or the next time I see you! I barely have two hours to myself anymore unless I'm asleep!"
"But you do know me, Sarah! Somewhere you remember!" Chuck pleads.
"No, I don't Chuck. Sure I have memories somewhere, but I can't remember any of them. Only small flashes in short instances that never make any sense. You're a stranger to me and I just need somewhere of my own to-" Sarah stops herself before finishes her sentence. Because she doesn't know why she needs her own space. To understand the changes she is seeing in herself? To fall in love with Chuck? To adjust to this new life of hers? To convince herself to stay? Her voice is quiet again when she speaks. "I just need somewhere of my own, okay?"
Chuck is quiet, trying to process how his wife doesn't want to live at her own apartment. How, despite Morgan's kiss theory and despite the past week that seemed pretty amicable, she isn't happy. And maybe she isn't happy because of something Chuck is doing, or because she is in fact realizing that she never had loved him in the first place.
"Where would you go?" He finally says. His voice is quiet, devoid of emotions.
"I don't know. I could go back to my place at the hotel." Sarah replies, turning away from Chuck. "Truthfully that is the only place I remember, the only place I think I could try to process this all."
The silence deafens Sarah, and suddenly she is regretting having this conversation at all. She could cope. She could try to love him while seeing him at almost every hour of the day, right? No, Sarah. Her mind replies. You need somewhere to go away from him, somewhere to get a fresh perspective. Somewhere to let it all sink in. She turns back around to see Chuck staring at the photo on the mantle, an image presumably from their wedding. The happy couple is staring at each other, their eyes filled with so much love, as the wedding party smiles with tears in their eyes.
"Chuck, say something."
"Will you come back?"
Now Sarah moves to sit next to Chuck, grabbing one of his hands. The first rule of trying to connect with someone is physical contact – that's pretty much lesson one at the academy. But Sarah's heart hopes she grabbed his hand for more than the spy reasons – it wants to hold Chuck's hand to comfort him.
"I can't say anything right now, because I can't see anything in my life clearly. Everything just blends together and I need to get out for a bit." Sarah watches Chuck as she speaks, his head never moving from staring at the photo. "But I hope so."
Chuck doesn't move again, but Sarah can see his face move as his lips turn up into a smile.
"I really, really hope so." Sarah finishes, realizing this conversation doesn't have anywhere else to go. So instead of lingering, she stands up and walks to "their" bedroom. It only takes a few minutes for Sarah to search through her personal effects and pull out anything that she either recognizes or will need living in a new place. Mostly she throws in clothes and a few throwing knives. When she walks back into the living room, suitcase in tow, Chuck turns to look at her and his eyes are full of sadness.
Sarah walks to the door, only stopping when Chuck stands up and blocks her way. He places his hands on her shoulder and looks into her eyes.
"Promise me this isn't you giving up."
Sarah's face softens and she bites her lip, trying to decide the best way to prove to Chuck that a big part of her still wants everything he described on the beach. Actions speak louder than words, right?
When Chuck feels Sarah's lips moving on his, he smiles into the kiss. So far all of their kisses have been very quick and simple, but this time Sarah opens her mouth and uses her tongue to reach into Chuck's. She allows his taste to penetrate her senses, but quickly pulls her tongue out of his mouth. As a closing send off, Sarah sucks Chuck's bottom lip for a moment, then releases it, pulling back and smiling.
"I do not give up that easily, Chuck."
Chuck pulls Sarah into a hug, and though she hesitates at first, eventually her body relaxes into his. It only takes a few moments though for Sarah to feel suffocated, and she slowly pushes Chuck away.
"Call me and we will set up a date, okay? Maybe Friday."
Without another word, Sarah grabs her suitcase again and walks out the door, her mind rejoicing at the freedom it will receive in being alone for a while.
Back inside, Chuck stares at the closed door and runs his hands through his hair, unable to figure out what he did wrong.
"So she's just gone?" Ellie says, one hand unpacking a box of books that she and Devon had yet to reach, the other grasping the phone held tightly to her ear.
"Well, not completely gone. She has her phone, and then texted me that she got to the hotel all right. But she wants me to call her for a date on Friday. Friday, El!"
"Chuck, I really don't know what to say. Often with memory issues people have trouble connecting to things from their past, and they just need some time to reevaluate it all. The brain is a mysterious organ, and sometimes it has to work things out for itself before the heart can get involved. Maybe giving her space will bring a memory or two back," Ellie replies, hoping to comfort her brother as much as she can from halfway across the country. "Besides, it's Tuesday. Friday isn't that far away."
"Friday could basically be next year for all it's worth. She wanted more than a day, more than a few hours. She moved out." Chuck lets out a sigh. "Why am I even trying?"
Ellie stops what she is doing and grabs the phone tightly. "Chuck? No. Don't."
"Don't what?" Chuck asks sadly.
"Don't you dare do that mopey thing where you sit on the couch all day in a robe and eating cheese balls and you grow a giant beard that rivals Morgan. Don't you dare. Sarah is not gone, and she didn't give up. She just needs her space."
A muffled groan can be heard through the phone.
"Seriously, Chuck! Listen to me!" Ellie says. "Sarah is not gone, she still loves you, and you WILL win her back! It is just going to take longer than two weeks! How long did it take for Sarah to fall for you the first time?"
"Do you want the spy answer, the answer Sarah told me, or when she officially told me she loved me?"
Ellie evaluates the question for a moment, wondering if it makes sense. "The last two."
"Sarah told me she loves me right before you and Devon left for Africa, and right before she and I went to Paris. But she told me she fell in love with me the first week we met. And I'm pretty sure something would've happened if Morgan hadn't stolen my condom just before your wedding. And there was the time she kissed me when we thought Bryce Larkin was a bomb… not that Sarah remembers any of this" Chuck continues mumbling incoherently listing different moments when he thought he saw love in Sarah.
"Wait, Bryce Larkin?" Ellie asks, interrupting. "Hold on, I am going to forget that. Never mind. Just, if she fell in love with you when she claims she did, but it took her over a year to let you know, then you have to give her time! Remember, Sarah's memories of the past five years are buried deep in her brain but inside she feels like the Sarah you met back when you were still, and I'm sorry to say this little brother, but still a college dropout working at a Buy More."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis."
Ellie sighs. "Chuck, what I'm saying is, if she fell in love with him, she will fall in love with you. It just might take some time for her to tell you that she loves you or for her to realize it again."
"I still think I might as well give up." Chuck replies, rolling over on the couch to bury his head in the pillow.
"No way. My little brother is not giving up on the best thing that has happened to him in the last five years! I know you Chuck, and you are a catch! Sarah will realize that again, how could she not? So here is what you are going to do. You take these next three days and plan a date that will jog back some of Sarah's memories. You could do that easy, right?"
"I guess." Chuck mumbles into the pillow.
"Chuck, you're my baby brother and I love you. Sarah knows how amazing you are, just give her time to remember why she fell in love with you in the first place, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"And no cheese balls."
Chuck smiles, lifting his head. "Love you too, sis."
He hangs up the phone and buries his head in the pillow. It really isn't supposed to be this hard to make someone love you, is it? What kind of a date will bring back Sarah's memories? Maybe Morgan will have some ideas, now that he is such a "master" of love as well. Or maybe they can just plan a double date…
Wait! Chuck thinks, an idea sprouting. A double date would be perfect! And we can play that couples game we played with Morgan and Carina!
Chuck hops up off the couch, instantly renewed with his great idea. Sure, he has three days to plan it, but for now he needs to find Morgan and Alex and makes sure they are free for some board games and vegetarian pizza, sans olives, this upcoming Friday night.
After way too long at the reception desk Sarah enters the hotel room, her luggage dragging behind her, and takes a deep breath. She shuts the door, drops her purse onto the floor and walks over to the bed, flopping herself down on the comforter. She shuts her eyes, reveling in the quiet and letting her own thoughts flow.
Finally, Sarah thinks. Some control in my own life.
The idea that Sarah can do anything she wants, anything at all, is freeing. She isn't tied down by being a kid, or being with the CIA, or having a boyfriend. Well, technically Chuck IS still her husband, but right now she doesn't have to think about him until Friday night. So she can do anything within reason, but leaving the country probably isn't within that reason. But going downstairs to get some ice cream, or maybe getting some sort of part time job, or even just sleeping the entire afternoon, those are all in the realm of possibility.
Or you can think about this weird little situation you're in, Sarah's brain says.
What situation? You know somewhere deep down you love the guy! Her heart replies.
But you can't remember, can you? What's the point of love if you can't remember any of it? Her brain retorts.
Sarah lets out a groan, rolling over onto her stomach and burrowing her head into the pillow. Sure, she's escaped Chuck, but she hasn't escaped her stupid brain or stupid heart and their stupid fighting. Ever since Chuck explained that theory, it's as if her heart and brain are literally fighting day in and day out. They yell at her, scream at her, and plead with her. If only she could just remember something real, and make her stupid brain quiet down for a bit.
"Yeah, Sarah. Leave the house and you can think clearly. That is working out great." Her words are muffled by the pillow, but it's not like anyone else is there to hear it. "Maybe you should just leave forever, let him get on with his life already."
If only there was something to take her mind off of all this Chuck drama, or a way for her to escape it all. A mission, perhaps. Although she knows the Sarah Walker of this time is no longer signed up with the CIA. She is dead in the water unless…
She perks up, jumping off of the bed and lunging for her purse. It only takes a minute to find the number, but the few seconds before the call is answered seems like eternity.
"Walker, what do you want?" The sound of grunting can be heard through the phone, and what distinctly sounds like an explosion. "I'm kind of busy here."
"Is this a bad time? I can call back if-"
"Nah, I'm out of here anyways. Got what I needed." The line is quiet for a moment other than the sound of a boot hitting a face, followed by heels running on pavement. "Give me a minute to get out of the woods, okay? I'll call you back."
The line goes dead and Sarah stares at it for a minute. Leave it to Carina to answer the phone in the middle of a gun fight. Sarah flops back onto the bed, waiting for her phone to ring again. After a few minutes, however, her brain and heart keep fighting and it starts to aggravate Sarah.
"Busy work…" Sarah says. "Busy work will help." She heads toward the abandoned suitcase on the ground, still trying to get that annoying song out of her brain. Instead of ignoring it, she begins to hum along to the tune playing in her mind. After three days with the song stuck in her head, Sarah had googled it and listened to the real version, yet it sounded odd coming from a computer. She still has no idea why the song is in her head, and still refuses to tell Chuck about it lest he think she is having another memory or something. For all she knows the memories aren't memories, just her mind trying to make a story Chuck told turn into a real memory. So instead of focusing on the memories that don't really exist, she continues to hum along and sing the words she remembers as shirts and dresses are methodically removed from her suitcase. If this phone call doesn't help, maybe she should just leave.
Finally the phone rings again, and Sarah lunges for it. "Hello?" She answers.
"Please don't tell me you're calling about a baby shower." Carina replies from her end. Her breathing is shallow and rapid, probably from running away from wherever it is she was, and it sounds like she is somewhere on or near a train. "I would not be able to handle it if Chuckles knocked you up."
"No, no baby shower." Sarah's voice is monotone.
"Whoa, Walker, are you okay? That was a joke, you know." Carina says, concern evident in her voice.
"How often have we talked in the last little bit?" Sarah asks, wondering where to start. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Sarah has no idea how Carina has changed in the last five years, let alone their relationship. Are they closer than ex-Cats? Has Carina even met Chuck? Well, from the looks of the wedding photos, she must have considering the bridesmaid dress. And she asked about a baby. Gosh this really was a bad idea.
"Haven't really since the wedding. Why? Shouldn't you remember this stuff, miss perfect spy wife?"
Sarah lets out a sigh, looking down at the almost empty suitcase. "Look, a lot has happened since we last talked. And… this should probably be done in person."
"Hey, no way. You do not get to call me, tell me something big happened, and then make me wait until I am back in the states! Start explaining, now." Carina says sternly.
Sarah is quiet.
"Spill! Don't make me bring out the Russian!"
A small laugh is released from Sarah's lips before she can stop it. "Okay, okay. But it's a long story."
"I have nowhere to go. At least, not until I reach Uganda." Carina says.
"Not even going to ask." Another laugh is released, but is quickly silenced as Sarah begins to explain the last few weeks of her life. Carina is silent on her end the entire time, listening intently and not pitching in with her usual snarky comments.
"So he's trying to get you to fall in love with him again." Carina finally says after Sarah has finished talking.
"Basically." Sarah replies.
"Is it working? Because, Walker, you were head over heels before the wedding. Made you a whole new person," says Carina.
"Now, see, that's my problem!" Sarah groans out, her hand idly moving over the lining of the suitcase. "Everyone keeps telling me I was so in love, but I have no idea how to fall in love with him or to be the person he knew! I just know how to be me!"
Carina laughs. "Hate to break it to you, but you fell in love with him a long time ago." She rolls the 'o' in long to emphasize her point. "We pulled a diamond job a few weeks after you met Chuckles, and you had fallen for him already."
"Really?" Sarah asks, a laugh escaping her. "You could tell that early?"
"Well, it might not have been obvious to the casual observer, but to a classically trained spy like me…"
"If you were close enough I'd punch you."
"Miss you too."
Sarah sighs again, not sure if this conversation is getting her any further into clarity about the Chuck situation than she was before.
"Carina, I just don't know what to do." Sarah's hand continues to trace the suitcase. "I feel like I should love him, but then I just get this paralyzing fear that I'm not who he thinks I am," her hand grasps something thin and paperlike in the lining, and begins to absentmindedly pull it out, "or what if I fall in love with him and he doesn't love me back," she pulls the item out, turning the white paper around to see a photo, "and…"
"And?" Carina prompts.
"And…" Sarah repeats, her eyes tracing over the image. She is smiling in it, Chuck's arms wrapped around her from behind. They both look happy. Really happy.
"And you're seriously looking for love advice from me?" Carina tries to finish Sarah's sentence but gets exasperated when her friend doesn't reply. "Sarah? Earth to Sarah. Hello?"
But Sarah isn't in her hotel room anymore. Well, physically, yes. Mentally, her mind is back in Chuck's apartment, in his, no their, bedroom. She is holding this photo, and he is talking to her. All she is wearing is Chuck's white button down and some cotton panties. They had just gotten back from a mission of some sort to… France? No, Milan. Her clothes are hung up in the closet, a point that sticks out in her mind. And Chuck is smiling down at her. They are discussing the photo, discussing home. And they are happy. Really happy.
She breaks out of the memory, only to hear Carina rambling continuously on her end of the line.
"Let's call my friend when she is on the job and discuss personal problems. Oh, no, I don't care that she is probably in a life threatening situation, or that I haven't called to chat in a few months. Let's just put all my problems on Carina, why don't we?"
"Carina?" Sarah says hesitantly, breaking her friend off of her train of thought.
"So glad to have your attention again, Walker."
"Carina, I am really sorry, but I have to go, okay?" Sarah says, still staring down at the photo and trying to remember more from that memory. Sarah is sure that this one is real, and it is pushing every thought of running completely out of her mind.
"Sure, whatever." Carina replies. "Call me if you need to talk."
Sarah smiles. For all of Carina's snarkiness, she really is a good friend. "Will do. And, Carina? Thanks."
"Yeah, yeah." Sarah hears some rustling and a small crash, then the line goes dead.
Sarah looks down at the photo once more, her heart swelling. She looks around at the items of clothing placed in drawers and closets, a product of her unpacking while waiting for Carina's phone call. Looking down at the photo, and keeping her mind on that memory, it seems stupid for her clothing to be unpacked in a hotel room and not in their bedroom.
Without thinking, Sarah jumps up from the floor and grabs all the clothing back, hap hazardously throwing it all into the suitcase and zipping it back up. She looks down at the photo once more, and her mind is finally pressed back far enough by her heart. Finally there is a little clarity, and a whole lot more hope.
As Sarah rushes out of the hotel room, one sentence from her memory runs over and over through her mind.
"You're my home, Chuck. You always have been."
So, yes, it took Chuck a little time to get dressed and shower and become generally presentable to the outside world, but after spending an hour or so planning out the perfect date to jog Sarah's memory, Chuck twists the doorknob and pulls open his front door with a jump in his step.
He freezes immediately once the door is open, Sarah standing on the other end with her hand raised and ready to knock. Chuck's face instantly spreads into a smile and, for once, Sarah's matches it.
She reaches for him, pulling Chuck into a deep hug and twisting her head into his neck. "I am so sorry, Chuck. I never should have left." She lets out a sigh, her smile returning as Chuck's hands wander over her back. "You're my home." She murmurs. "You always have been."
Chuck freezes, using all of his willpower to pull himself out of the hug. "Sarah, what did you just say?"
She looks up at Chuck, tears forming in her eyes. She holds up the photo, and Chuck reaches out to pull it into his own hands.
"This is from…"
"My suitcase." Sarah finishes. Chuck looks back up from the photo to stare at his wife's face. "I… found it after unpacking at the hotel. And…" She smiles, a tear of happiness rolling down her cheek. "I remember. I remember unpacking, and having that photo in my suitcase, and…" She pauses, looking down, suddenly embarrassed. "I don't really remember all that much about it, but I remember we were happy."
Chuck smiles, handing the photo back to Sarah and using his finger to tilt her chin upwards. "We were happy. Really happy." He leans in slowly and places a small kiss on her lips. Sarah responds by smiling into the kiss. It only lasts a moment, but it gets the point across.
"We can be that happy again." Sarah says, understanding Chuck's message.
"We can be that happy again." He nods, finally realizing that this crazy little relationship is going to work, that the intersect hasn't ruined everything his life has become.
"Chuck, I am so sorry." Sarah pulls herself back into a hug, seeking the unfamiliar yet very comforting support of Chuck's body around her body.
"Sarah, it's fine."
"No, Chuck. It's not. I left, I gave up. I was ready to run."
Chuck is silent, unsure how to respond.
"I am so, so sorry Chuck."
He places a kiss to the top of Sarah's head. "It's okay." He finally says. "You're here now, you didn't leave, and you remember something. Everything is going to be okay."
Sarah nods into the hug, finally not feeling trapped by the strong arms around her. "Chuck? Can I move back in?"
Chuck smiles, realizing he won't really need that double date with Morgan and Alex for the reasons he thought he would.
"I would love that." Chuck replies, pulling out of the hug and stepping back so Sarah can enter the living room.
She quickly wipes away the remaining tears from her eyes, giving Chuck a smile. "You're still sleeping in Morgan's room."
"Okay." Chuck replies.
"And we are still going slow."
"Sounds good."
"And… I am starving so we should order pizza."
"Vegetarian, no olives?"
Sarah smiles at Chuck, leaning in for another quick kiss, and finally it is all falling into place.
"And the photo is staying in the suitcase."
~~ Thus, Chapter 3 is over. ~~
I hope you liked it and I didn't freak you out too much when Sarah left. Well, you can't expect her to put up with it all without thinking of leaving at least once. I originally was going to have her actually live in the hotel for a week or two, but then she had to go and find that darn photo and have that memory and... but I really like where it took us. And just want to remind you that this is all un-beta'd so any mistakes are mine and I am sorry for them! :P
I'll try to get another chapter (or chapters) out during reading week. Because it means no school and more time for writing. For now I need to go study, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I would love to hear your opinion on it! :)
Love you all,
BrittJK