He watched her sleep wondering whether she knew that her confession had struck him inside. Just as it was for her, it was something he'd never get over. That was the point; you live to work through it; never accepting it as being right, but accepting that it happened. He wished for the power to erase it but even God can't change the past. As she peacefully lay still, his mind wondered back to the time when he left her. Giving her an ultimatum didn't sway her decision as he intended, it scared her back into isolation. It was then that he broke her heart and she broke his. The faith just wasn't there. The bittersweet pleasantries they left each other with; wishing each other well, were sincere yet difficult to muster. Neither wanted to walk away.
Retreating to memories of his wedding day and the regret that underpinned every vow, every gift and every picture of it. His greatest achievement was depicting a happiness that wasn't there on his part. Anna was right; he wasn't present. He questioned how present Nicole was; judging by last night; very. Her smile was brighter and her voice, warmer. Weighing up the balance between keeping her safe and happy, he opted for the latter; she was skilled at doing the former herself. He risked his life by waking her two hours early.
"You awake?" He asked, shaking her shoulders.
"I am now." She said between yawns. Her eye caught a glimpse of the time; she let her usual irritation slide and asked, "What's up?"
"About last night; thanks."
"I needed that, so thank you."
"I want you to feel safe here."
"I do, and I know how much it means to you to protect me."
"So why don't you let me?"
"Antonio, I need my strength. It makes me feel…less of a victim."
"When you pull away, you don't act like a victim."
"Yes I do; I hold on to the pain, run and hide. At least I used to. I'm not running."
"Nicole I just want to give you everything,"
"Give me you. I'm letting go, gradually, and that's because of you."
Nicole yawned again and went back to sleep. Antonio spent the following hour demolishing a punching bag to purge his anger.
Nicole missed work and met Jess at a coffee shop. Jess' discretion and solitude was reminding her too much of herself and she wanted to help her friend solve her problems, as she was learning to solve hers. Jess stirred her Macchiato awkwardly.
"You still love Colin, don't you?" Nicole asked between sips of her mocha latte.
Jess looked away. "I know you do Jess. And it's good."
"How? He'll be away for the next eight months at least." Jess reasoned, separating the facts from the emotions.
"Will you wait?" Nicole asked with curiosity of how sprung her girl really was.
"I don't know. I know it's crazy but…I want to."
"I knew it! And it's not crazy. I think it's beautiful. You shouldn't let the one go."
"What about you?" Jess enquired, wondering if her fish dreams were coming to fruition. "Missing work? And you look different. Spill."
"I'm mid air and I don't know the way down." Nicole's romantic hyperbole impressed Jess who understood the feeling.
"I'm craving something I can't touch. Nic, what if he's with someone else?"
"He'll forget about her when he knows. Don't give up on him yet."
Nicole treated herself to a shopping spree; buying dancing shoes and a style of dress she'd never worn in her life. She caught her smile in her reflection; a brilliant, joy-filled, carefree smile she couldn't control. That smile dissolved when she revisited her home. The beautiful two-storey apartment was given a cheaper version of the Left Eye treatment. She could tell by the burnt outer walls to her living home how lazily it had been set fire to. Some clown had thrown a brick through the glass door, followed by a Molotov bomb that couldn't explode effectively in such an airy, spacious room. Her Persian rug was now a crumbling dark brown mass when it used to be a red and gold, the leather sofa was torched in the fire and her matching electronic set had been soaked by the fire brigade. All in all, the damage wasn't that dire. She still loved the place and wanted to start her family there. Besides, it had more square feet than Antonio's and three bedrooms, just in case. She took the minidisc from her answering machine and played on the way to her mother's house. Kelly's anxiety blared though her speakers; eleven messages showing her concern, Nicole made a mental note to reassure her.
Nina opened the door, bemused that Nicole was there. She gave the impression it was a forbidden land she'd never enter. Nicole sat on the counter and watched her mother cook.
"So what's up? Usually you choose some nondescript place for us to meet, on neutral grounds. You're on my turf now." Nina jested, chopping dasheen leaf.
"You said I'm welcome anytime."
"That you are."
"Besides, I need some advice." Nicole said, to her mother's surprise.
"About Antonio, right?"
"Last night I told him something I never thought…"
"…you would. Or could. Or were going to if you had the chance."
"Exactly."
"Did he take it well?"
"He was very understanding,"
"I always liked him. He's a good one."
Nicole skinned the sweet potatoes and smiled. "I know Mom. But sometimes I feel I'm losing myself in him. And it scares me."
"Because you want to?"
"Yeah, it felt so free; like I can just be when I'm with him. But it's not easy,"
"Because if you follow that feeling you might lose that thing that helped you survive."
"How'd you know so much about me?"
"It's amazing the things you learn at the hospital. And I listen. And I empathise. Pass me that coconut milk. If you let him in there's no safety blanket and if you don't, you can't move forward and enjoy all the things you both deserve."
"Right. I just don't know."
"Don't know, feel. If you find yourself crying for no damn reason, excited just looking at his face, and ready to try something new; then baby you know what you need to do. Love breeds hope in all things."
"Thanks Mom."
"What are you going to do?"
"Ask myself that question until I get an answer." Nicole laughed to herself ands stirred the pot. "Why callaloo?"
"Excluding you, callaloo was the best thing your father ever made for me. You're half-Grenadian." Nicole stared at her in amazement. "I make it for the warm feeling it gives me inside. Times like this, I need that feeling."
Nicole hugged her goodbye. "Take care Mom."
"I love you baby."
"I love you too."
They met in the foyer of the Gil Blue soul food restaurant. The beautiful couple dazzling in their warm, understated surroundings. He was suited and booted and she was a movie star; the Kodak couple with the down to earth style.
"You look great; very sharp."
"That dress…you're beautiful." He stared in awe.
"It's backless too."
"I noticed. Any reason?"
"Well, this dress is pretty fabulous. No really; this morning I thought about how much power these scars had over me. The fear, the distrust of people, why I have them."
"It's not your fault."
"It's not fair on us for me to hold back Antonio. From you, from life, when we should have something."
"We could have everything."
"Yeah, last night I got so comfortable it scared me."
"Because there was nowhere to hide?"
"No, because I didn't want to. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was believe that someone wouldn't hurt me and then you go and make it easy. A bit…"
"Too easy?"
"But that's how it should be; innate. And I hope it's not too late for us because I'm changing."
"You know I've always wanted to spend my life with you; just like this, knowing you're here and you want to be. In love with me like I've always been in love with you. Always."
"Always." She promised.
"Are you ready to do that?"
"As I'll ever be."
"Good. And when the time comes; marry me Nicole."
"Is that a question or an order?"
"It's a request."
Nicole smiled at his clever rejoinder. "Of course I'll marry you. When the time comes."
Easy conversation over a thirty dollar dinner, passionate dancing at the sweaty, salsa club, deep conversation about love and life on the brink of sleep; these were what made the couple who they were. A head laid on a comforting shoulder, a shaking hand held in another, an admiring glance and an alluring touch were features of their own loving language. The language of coming full circle, inviting love to stay and enduring the unpredictable and turbulent times. They spoke the language those in love understand; and they were one.
I love you guys!! Thanks again. I named it "Freefall" because if we're loved genuinely and unconditionally, we have to love and risk that safety in order reap the benefits and find out who we are. Peace.