As Jean- Luc Picard lay sleeping in his bed, Beverly woke, shaken by a nightmare. It was 0230 hours in the morning and she had only slept about four hours. It had been the same dream. It was always the same scene that was haunting her.

She felt dizzy as she got up and with that the disgust and shame about what she had done the evening before filled her mind. Why didn't I resist? I have to stop this!

She had promised herself so many times now that this time would be the last and that she would get better but so far she had not managed to keep those promises.

As she moved to the sofa she saw a lamp on her computer terminal blink. She activated the computer and found a message from Jean- Luc waiting for her:

Beverly

I know we haven't spent much time together lately. I don't want this to continue. Besides, I miss my favorite breakfast companion! So would you please join me tomorrow morning?

Jean- Luc

She was not sure what to answer. Her first impulse was to say yes. She missed him as well. But she had second thoughts- what happened to that woman from engineering? Did he actually mean what he said there? And above all: How could she show up at his door in her current state?

She decided that she would only bother him and because she did not want to do that, she sent her apologies and that she could not join him.

As she had not given him any reason for not wanting to have breakfast with him, Jean- Luc was surprised to read Beverly's message. He had thought that maybe if he took the first step by inviting her it would be easier for her to talk to him again. He wondered about the reason for her rejection. Surely she had heard about his break- up with Sara, hadn't she? Rumors spread fast on any ship and he was certain that nearly everyone knew about this affair of his, even though he avoided the topic at all costs.

He decided to give it another shot. He sent Beverly a second message, regretting that she seemed to be busy and inviting her to dinner instead. He again made sure that he put emphasis on the fact that he really wanted to see her again.

Sending the message he remembered all the things that Deanna had told him the night before and was determined to visit Beverly in her quarters if she excused herself again. He knew that she would be in sickbay all day and relieving her of duty or question her in front of everyone there would certainly not be the right way to handle this matter. So all he could do was to wait for an answer and try to calm down his mind.

However hard he had tried to busy his mind during the day he had not been able to get Beverly out of his head. Deanna had reminded him again of his promise by just looking at him and he felt just how urgent this was to her. Once his shift was over he stopped in front of Beverly's quarters suddenly debating if he should call on her. He knew that he promised to do so and the fact that she had canceled dinner troubled him immensely but then he still hoped that all of this would be false alarm and he would find an exhausted Beverly Crusher sitting on her couch, drinking a cup of tea and kicking him out for not giving her a moment's peace.

Jean- Luc chose to calm his conscience and to finally resolve things with Beverly. He pressed the door chime twice but no one answered.

"Computer: location of Doctor Crusher."

"Doctor Crusher is in her quarters."

"Is she asleep?"

"No, Doctor Crusher is awake."

He then used his override code to enter her quarters and found them in darkness.

It had been a rough day. After she had sent her excuses to Jean- Luc she had received another message from him in the morning asking her to dinner. She had deliberated the entire morning about what she could possibly answer him. Finally she had written something about having too much work and not being able to make it in time. She just could not face him at the moment. Why didn't he understand that? She had already barely escaped a trip to the bridge today, having send Nurse Andrews. Beverly knew well that she could not hide forever and she needed to stop with what she was doing, but how could you stop if that would take so much more energy than you got? After her shift in sickbay was over, well actually it was more like a double shift or even more, she had gone back to her quarters.

She had taken a shower and then cleaned her closet just to keep herself from cutting again. She needed the relief to get rid of this tight knot that had formed in her stomach. Nothing had helped. This knot had just gotten bigger and bigger and seemed to consume all of her.

She looked at the pictures on her desk. There was one of Wesley and one that showed her and Jean-Luc. She felt the tears coming as she thought of what she had lost. She hated being alone. She desperately wanted someone to hold her, to make her feel safe and to help her. She needed to talk to someone but after all she was all alone. Wesley was far away, everyone had a family or a partner, even Jean- Luc had found someone. At last she couldn't resist anymore and as the urge inside of her took over she entered her bathroom and took her blade.

Jean- Luc looked around the empty room. He ordered the lights to 50 but still could not make out her form anywhere.

"Beverly? Are you here?"

He perceived a slight sound coming from the bathroom and walked towards it.

Beverly panicked as she heard Jean- Luc's voice outside the bathroom door. She hurried to put away her blade and clean up the tub. Not having the time to heal the cut completely, she sealed it quickly and pulled her sleeve over it. Only then did she call out to him.

"I'm coming!"

Jean- Luc did not fail to notice the nervousness in her voice and wondered about the cause of it. He did not have to wait long until Beverly came out of the bathroom and met him. What he saw shocked him. She was pale even though the noticed her make- up. She also seemed to have lost a bit of weight and the dark circled under her eyes were clearly evident.

"Beverly, what is going on? I am sorry to intrude like this but I am truly concerned about you." She looked at him and tried to answer.

"Jean- Luc I'm fi…."She could not finish the sentence. He noticed how her eyes lost focus and suddenly she fainted and fell.