When she entered her quarters, she quickly ordered the lights on. She immediately walked to her closet and took out some clothes and then opened a bag and put the clothes inside of it. Now all she needed were a few things she had in her bathroom. She hurried to get the things out but couldn't help it as a wave hit her. She was once again caught in that dark cloud and felt the urge to cut in her stomach. It was small but its presence scared her. Suddenly she thought about Jean- Luc and though she had had this wonderful day with him she feared to lose him. Was she good enough?

She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a tear roll down her face. She turned around to finish packing her bag but accidentally dropped some items she had held in her hand on the floor. She shrieked at the noise and kneeled to collect the things but instead started sobbing.

It all sounded hollow. The words spoken- they didn't make sense anymore. She had often drifted off while she had been with Jean- Luc wondering if she was good enough if all of this was real. Suddenly bereft of all confidence she even questioned Jean- Luc. Did he meant what he's said? Still she had managed to always push these thoughts aside. Now as she entered her quarters, especially her bathroom, the feelings returned and she was not able to fight them off.

She wanted to cut.

She needed to cut.

Somewhere in the back of her mind it registered that she could as well go to Jean- Luc, that he would help her but her shyness and shame won over as she frantically searched for her blade, occasionally wiping the tears off her eyes.

She opened her bathroom cabinet, where she had always kept it, and searched through all the things that were in there. Her blade was nowhere in sight.

Then she looked under the sink and in the shower and everywhere else in the small room- nothing. Slowly she began to panic, doubting her own senses. The room was left in a complete chaos when she finally entered her bedroom and living area again. She was absolutely certain that she had always put the blade back into her bathroom cabinet. Beverly sank down on her couch, holding her head in her hands. Tears were escaping from her closed eyes and she felt herself unable to move.

She didn't know how much time had passed when the sound of the door chime ripped her out of the detached state she was in.

Apparently she had waited too long to answer the door as it opened by itself. She knew immediately that it was Jean- Luc who had once again used his override code to let himself in. She was uncertain whether to feel relieved or even more nervous and agitated. The urge to cut was still somewhat present and she was desperate.

Jean- Luc spotted her sitting on the couch but he also noticed the chaos her quarters were in. It hit him instantly what she had been trying to find and the thought broke his heart.

Tranquilly he moved to her side and wrapped her in his arms.

"Oh Beverly… Why didn't you call me?"

She shivered in his arms, not daring to look at him. He hugged her closer and then cupped her face so he could look into her eyes. When he saw her pain he kissed her forehead and hugged her again.

"Please talk to me. I love you, Beverly and I want to help you."

He waited patiently as she gathered the strenght to speak.

"I … I couldn't call you. I packed my things and then suddenly the feelings came back and I ..I …I felt …feel it again. I wanted to to take the blade but it wasn't there. I was just gone and I can't remember where I put. I'm going crazy….I just…I don't know."

Jean- Luc held her in his arms and contemplated on what he should say. He decided to be straightforward honest with her.

"Beverly, you are not crazy. When you were in sickbay I removed all sharp objects from you quarters. I was scared and wanted to make sure that you couldn't accidentally hurt yourself even more seriously. I'm sorry that I did not tell you anything about that." He paused as Beverly cried openly. When she seemed to have calmed down a bit he continued. "When you left tonight I remembered it and hoped that being here would not be triggering for you. I waited for you and when you didn't return I came to check on you."

She didn't respond but stayed quiet. With his words Jean-Luc had taken some of her nervousness and she loved being close to him. Finally he spoke again.

"Come on. We will pack your things together and then get you out of here." Silently she nodded her agreement and he was thankful to see that. "How about you go and get some clothes and I'll get the things from you bathroom?"

Jean- Luc gave her another reassuring hug and then got up and went into her bathroom to collect the pieces she had thrown on the floor. A glance over his shoulder told him that she had gone to her closet and quietly removed some of her clothes.

Five minutes later they had placed all items into a bag and were on their way back to his quarters.