Thank you to everyone for the reviews and follows. Whirlgirl, I can't say how much I appreciate all the comments and feedback you give me - I had a very happy birthday, though it did make it hard to get into the right mood to write that last chapter!
Chapter Twelve
It was a sombre flight back to Tracy Island. Jeff insisted on piloting, Alan immediately following him into the cockpit. Grandma, concerned that her youngest grandson hadn't said a word during the journey to the airport, went to join them, closing the door behind her and leaving the others to sit in silence. Gordon attempted to get them talking, but all his efforts fell flat and in the end he gave up, staring gloomily out of the window at the ocean beneath him and wishing that he was down there too.
Whilst John and Scott flicked through some magazines, Virgil leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. He supposed everyone would think he was sleeping, but actually he was reflecting on the situation with Alan. Despite the intense emotion of the funeral, he was actually feeling better than he had since he'd been hurt out on the rescue. Apart from the fact that his headache had gone, the previous morning's discovery of Penny in bed with his brother had been such a shock that he'd snapped right out of the relentless cycle of grief and guilt he'd been trapped in ever since Tin-Tin had died. It had been a relief to have something else to think about. He still felt absolutely terrible about it all - the pain and guilt hadn't lessened in the slightest - but his head was clearer now and he was desperate to talk to Alan. Whatever his brother threw at him he'd take - it would hurt, but at least he'd know where he stood and if there was any chance of his brother forgiving him. He wasn't going to do it today - the strain of the funeral had been bad enough and he didn't think either he or Alan were up to a conversation (or fight, or whatever Alan decided to turn it into...) - but in the morning he'd finally face up to it. Now all he had to do was work out what to say...
As soon as they landed, Kyrano headed for the kitchen in order to prepare some of Tin-Tin's favourite food, insisting that they all gather around the pool later that evening to celebrate the time they'd had with the girl, short though it had been. No one was really in the mood but they turned up all the same, everyone eating and drinking more than they really wanted in an attempt to make him happy. Kyrano encouraged them to share their memories of Tin-Tin and, after an uncertain start, there was even some laughter as they recalled happier times.
Kyrano, Jeff and the four oldest brothers all contributed, and even Brains shared a story - albeit after a great deal of coaxing from Grandma. Only Alan remained silent. Finally, as the sun began to set and Kyrano began another anecdote, the youngest brother slipped quietly away.
Only Virgil saw him go as he went back to the house to sneak a drink - his father and grandmother had forbidden him any alcohol, pointing out that he was just getting over a concussion. He hadn't realised his grandmother was right behind him and he nearly dropped the bottle when she started to lecture him. Cutting her off with an apology, he told her about Alan, then started to head back to the pool with the intention of alerting his father. But to his surprise, the old lady stopped him, instead giving him a gentle push in Alan's direction. Virgil was about to protest that he was the last person his brother would want near him, but she interrupted him and insisted that he get moving - and quickly, before Alan was out of sight. She fixed him with one of her do-as-you're-told-or-else! looks that all the boys knew so well from their childhood. Virgil knew there was no arguing with his grandmother when she was in that kind of mood, and so he reluctantly followed his brother along the path that led to the far side of the island, intending to do nothing more than keep watch over his brother.
It was no surprise when he found himself at the edge of a small clearing on the far side of the island. This was where Tin-Tin and Alan would come to be alone - the place where Alan had wanted to bury her. Virgil had thought that his brother wanted nothing more than to grieve in private, but when he arrived, Alan was standing at the very edge of the cliff, staring down at the long drop to the rocks below.
Immediately thinking the worst, Virgil started to run forward, only to be brought up sharply by Alan's weary voice.
"It's okay. I'm not going to jump."
Virgil felt the fear that had gripped him ease - not only because of what Alan had said, but because he was finally speaking to him. But then his brother turned around and the surprise in his eyes when he saw Virgil standing there was obvious.
"Oh, it's you. I was expecting Scott. Or Dad."
Virgil's brief moment of hope died and he took a step back. "Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll leave you alone. Unless you want me to get one of the others?"
Alan considered for a moment then shook his head. "No."
"Okay. I guess I'll head on back then." Virgil turned to leave, wishing he could just talk to his brother and get it all over with, but still convinced that the timing was hopelessly wrong. If they fought now, on the day they'd said goodbye to Tin-Tin, they'd probably never be able to make it up.
"Virg?"
Virgil spun round, unsure what to think. He was always 'Virgil' to his father and grandmother, but his brothers generally used the diminutive - unless they were mad at him. For Alan to use it now just confused him. Alan certainly didn't sound as though he was angry with him, he just sounded exhausted and unhappy.
"I miss her," Alan whispered.
"I know. So do I." Virgil wished he felt confident enough to go up to his brother and give him some kind of physical comfort, but he was too uncertain of the reaction he'd get. He didn't want to lose the unexpected, yet all too fragile connection he had with Alan right now, so he kept his distance.
For a moment the brothers stood in silence, then Alan moved away from the cliff edge and sat down on a fallen tree trunk. "You might as well sit down if you're staying," he said.
Virgil couldn't move fast enough, taking a seat beside his brother before freezing again, still terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.
"How's the head?" Alan asked, eventually.
"Okay," Virgil told him, although if he was honest, right now it was spinning. Maybe he shouldn't have had that drink after all. Maybe this wasn't even happening... He couldn't work Alan out at all. He'd imagined their conversation playing out in so many different ways, but this particular scenario had never occurred to him. He realised that he was still holding the glass of whisky he'd been pouring when he spotted Alan walking away and, deciding that if this was some kind of hallucination, it was a whole lot better than reality, he took another sip.
Realising that Alan was watching him, he passed the glass over to his brother. Alan pulled a face and pushed it away.
"No thanks. I don't really like whisky, Virg. It's only you and Scott who turn into mini-Dads when you're stressed."
Virgil couldn't help smiling, the first time he'd done so in days. He wished he and Alan could just sit like this until the sun went down and it was time to go inside for the night. It occurred to him that no one had come along to check on them and he surmised that his grandmother was giving the brothers the chance to work things out. In which case, he needed to start talking.
But again Alan beat him to it, and his mind was clearly running along the same lines.
"We should have talked before," he said.
Virgil nodded, then took another mouthful of his drink before uttering the words he'd wanted to say ever since it had happened. "I'm not surprised you didn't want to speak to me. Alan, I'm so, so sorry. It was all my fault. I don't blame you for hating me-"
Alan swung round sharply and Virgil wondered if his brother was going to lash out after all - not that he cared. In fact, he welcomed the chance to make his brother feel better - and to take some of the punishment he was convinced he deserved.
So it came as a complete surprise when Alan just looked him straight in the eye for a long moment, then said softly,
"I don't hate you, Virg. I guess it might have seemed that way, but honestly, I don't. I've never held you responsible for what happened, either."
Virgil had to let this statement play over in his head for a full minute before he allowed himself to believe that he'd heard it right. Even then, he couldn't accept his brother's words, or the possibility that he wasn't to blame.
"Alan, I let her fall. Then Gordon wasted time helping me when he could have gone after her."
"Don't! It wasn't your fault. Really, Virg, it wasn't."
"Yes, it was. I tried to catch her and I missed." Despite Alan's unexpected protests to the contrary, nothing could change the fact that, as far as Virgil was concerned, he was responsible for the girl's death.
"Virg, I know you. I've seen you out on rescues. You tried, I know you did. We all know you did. Okay, so you didn't catch her, but you were hurt. I've had concussion; I know how it screws up your coordination. I don't blame you, okay. No one does. You've got to believe that. You risked your own life trying to save her. You couldn't have done any more."
Virgil had heard this so many times over the last few days, from his other brothers, his father, his grandmother, even Kyrano... but only now, when Alan said the words, the sincerity of them unmistakeable, did he finally begin to accept that there might be some truth in it. But the memory of his brother walking away from him at the debriefing nagged at him. "You did blame me though, didn't you? At least at first."
Alan sighed. "No. Really. I blamed myself."
"What? How is any of this your fault?"
When Alan spoke, his voice was little short of a whisper. "It was because of me that she was out there in the first place. If I hadn't volunteered her then she'd have been safe on the island."
"No!" Virgil insisted, horrified that his brother should think such a thing. "No, she wouldn't. Alan, when Tin-Tin and I were talking during the flight she told me she was going to volunteer. You just got in there first. And it meant a lot to her. She was so pleased that you'd spoken up for her."
"That just makes me feel worse. Virg, I didn't do it to please her or because I thought she was the best person for the job. I did it because she wanted to go off to that new base Dad was talking about and I thought that if she had more to do here she'd give up the idea. I was being my usual selfish, stupid self - and it killed her."
"Alan..." Virgil put a hand on his brother's arm. "She knew all that."
"What?" Alan looked bewildered. "What are you talking about, Virgil?"
"She told me all about her plans for the pair of you. She also told me that she thought you might be going along with it just to please her - the two of you had only just made up after that fight, remember. But she wasn't mad about it. She said she was pleased that you'd even agreed to consider the idea and she hoped that in time she'd be able to persuade you to take it seriously. She knew you well, Al. She knew exactly what you were thinking and it didn't bother her."
"Really?" Alan didn't sound convinced.
"Really. You made her happy in those last few hours. You mustn't blame yourself for what happened. You-"
"But it's not just that!" Alan interrupted him. "I'm still indirectly responsible. She set those charges to go off early because she was worried about me. If she'd given herself a few more minutes to get away, she'd be alive now."
"She did it because she loved you," Virgil insisted. "I was pretty much out of it at the time, but I know that she risked her life and mine to save yours. She obviously thought it was worth it. What happened after that... Well, if you won't blame me for it then you can't blame yourself."
Alan sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. The two brothers sat in silence for a while, each trying to work through what the other had said. The clearing was in semi-darkness now, the sun about to set.
Finally, Virgil spoke. He still couldn't quite believe the turn the conversation had taken. "I really thought you hated me," he said. "I wish we'd talked sooner."
Alan didn't reply for a moment. He didn't look at his brother either, instead just staring out across the sea.
"Maybe that wouldn't have worked out so well," he eventually said softly. "I didn't hate you, but..."
"What?"
His voice grew even fainter. "When I walked away at the debriefing... Would you believe it was because I was jealous of you?"
"You were jealous of me?" Virgil couldn't believe anyone could envy the way he'd been feeling.
"Yeah. Crazy isn't it? But think about it. You were the one who was with her when she died, it was your name she called out as she fell, you were the one who tried to save her. It should have been me... I mean, what did I do when I had the chance? Just stood there and watched while Gordon pulled her out. Froze and let him and Scott try to revive her. I should have been doing something.
"I know you thought I blamed you and I know I should have said something but I was just so angry about everything. I'd already yelled at Dad and I know that if he hadn't kept me away from Kyrano I'd have gone for him, too. All the things you were worrying about, well I could easily have said them. Not because I believed them - you have to accept that, Virgil, you just have to - but because taking it out on you might have made me feel better - for about a minute. But if I had... well, we'd never have got over it, would we?"
"I guess not." Virgil had to admit his brother might well have done the right thing as he remembered the way he'd exploded at Penny. That was on Alan's mind too, as he continued,
"I wanted to talk to you yesterday. I'd been awake all night - I kept hearing Tin-Tin's voice telling me to make things right with you. But I didn't know if you'd be feeling well enough and I wasn't sure what to say anyway, so I went to ask Scott about it. When I saw him in bed with Penny I got the shock of my life."
"You and me both," Virgil agreed. "In fact, I think Scott was pretty surprised as well."
"Yeah, he told me that. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, I know that, but all I could think of was what I'd lost. That I'd never be able to hold Tin-Tin again... I knew Penny was in love with Scott-"
"She was what?"
Alan looked uncomfortable. "Tin-Tin told me. I was so out of line, Virg. Penny didn't deserve all that. But at the time it really did look as though she'd taken advantage of Tin-Tin dying to make a move on Scott. I felt awful afterwards. I wanted to apologise but it was too late, she'd already run away. I don't think she'll ever forgive me, will she?"
Virgil was still reeling from Alan's previous comment. He'd be seeking out his eldest brother to find out more, that was for sure, but right now he needed to focus on Alan. But he didn't need to answer his brother's question, his silence said it all.
"Yeah... So you see why I kept away from you? I didn't trust myself and I couldn't risk driving you away too, Virg. I've missed you these past few days."
Virgil put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I've missed you too."
They sat side by side for a while, all the tension that had been between them gone. Virgil finished his drink and watched as the sun finally set.
"We should be getting back," he eventually said.
"Yeah."
Neither brother made any attempt to move.
"She loved it here," Alan said. "This is where I wanted her to be buried, but Kyrano got to make all the decisions."
A trace of bitterness returned to his voice as he told Virgil about Kyrano's suggestion that he choose something for Tin-Tin to wear, and his angry response when his father had conveyed the message.
"I wish I'd done it now," he admitted. "The dress Penny chose was nice but I'd never seen Tin-Tin wear it. Maybe she didn't like it. It bothers me that she's stuck with it forever. You'd think I'd have more important things to worry about, like how I'm going to get through the rest of my life without her, but no, I'm stressing out over a dress. Stupid, isn't it?"
He expected Virgil to say the same things about shock and grief that his father and grandmother had when he'd poured out his feelings during the flight home, but instead his brother rose to his feet and pulled him up too.
"Come on," he said. "Let's go back."
"I'm okay here for a while." Alan tried to prise Virgil's hand away from his arm but his brother was having none of it, pulling him back along the path.
As they approached the house they heard the sound of one of Tin-Tin's favourite songs. Clearly their absence hadn't prevented the wake from continuing and they guessed their grandmother had insisted that they be allowed to work out things out in peace.
Alan attempted to take the path that led to the pool, expecting that Virgil would want to join him in showing the family that they'd made things up, but instead his brother kept on towards the house, steering Alan through the side door and down the corridor to his studio.
They stopped at the door and Virgil looked at his brother. "I haven't been in here since it happened," he said. "The first thing you're going to see when I open the door is the painting I've been working on for the past couple of weeks. Tin-Tin asked me to paint her - it was supposed to be your birthday present. She's wearing that dress, Alan. She was going to wear it on your birthday, too. She said she wanted the day to be perfect and for you to have something to remember it by. Penny made the right choice."
Alan turned away and for a moment Virgil thought he'd miscalculated in bringing his brother here, expecting him to start walking away. But then he realised Alan was just trying to compose himself. He waited quietly, and after a moment, Alan turned to face him again.
"Can I see her?" he asked.
"Sure. It's not quite finished - I was still working on the background."
Virgil pushed the door open and, sure enough, the first thing Alan saw was the easel holding Tin-Tin's portrait. He drew in a sharp breath then moved towards it until he was standing directly in front of it, staring into the face of the girl he loved. Virgil stayed by the door, watching his brother closely.
It was a while before Alan spoke.
"Virg?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you finish this? I'd like to have it."
"Of course."
Alan finally took a step back and settled into a paint-spattered chair, still gazing at the portrait.
"I'd like to stay here for a while," he said. "You'd better go and tell Grandma we're okay."
Virgil's heart lifted once more at those words. He left his brother and wandered back through the house. But when he got to the lounge, instead of heading out to the pool, he paused, then moved towards his piano. He'd avoided his studio these past few days, knowing the sight of Tin-Tin's portrait would have been too much to bear, but he'd also refrained from playing the piano, too overwhelmed by grief and guilt to allow himself to indulge in something that would have brought him some peace. Now he suddenly felt the need to play and he instinctively chose one of Tin-Tin's favourite pieces.
As the music filled the room and floated out towards the pool, Virgil smiled to himself, knowing his family would have been on tenterhooks ever since they'd realised that he and Alan were finally talking. He had to hand it to his grandmother: not only had she been perceptive enough to recognize that the time was right for the brothers to work things out, but she'd also managed to rein in Scott and their father, who, Virgil knew, would both have been doing their utmost to get away in order to check up on them. He knew that the simple fact that he was playing again would be enough to reassure them that all was well, that he and Alan were reunited and that the family - Kyrano and Brains included - could turn their focus to where it should always have been: on mourning Tin-Tin and trying to adjust to a life without her.