Delusional

A/N: Well! Here it is! The answer you were waiting for (?). I really, really hope you like this chapter. I think this may be my favourite. Oh, and I might add... For those of you who are a bit uncomfortable with the age gap between Sirius and Hermione, I can only tell you that "Lolita" has left issues. Even though Hermione is the most unlikely Lolita ever, it's still fun to play with the concept. That said... On with the story!

Disclaimer: Oh yes, I'm about to sue that Rowling woman that stole my beloved characters. Right. Needless to say, I don't own them.

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But as seconds tend to be short, Sirius was gone as Hermione gasped once again, covering her mouth. Lupin stood there instead; they had not seen him in months.

"Hello there," Lupin greeted them with a growing smile. Hermione could not utter a word, still disturbed over what she had imagined. She was losing her marbles; she was going delusional. She found that she actually felt scared. Scared to death and close to tears. As a lump formed in her throat and her eyes started shimmering with tears, she hid her face.

"Lupin!" She heard Ron exclaim. Hermione couldn't look up again, afraid of what she would be seeing; Hermione fought to keep her tears at bay, but it proved to be too much for her.

"Excuse me!" She exclaimed with a hoarse voice, without looking up, and nearly pushed Lupin in her hurry to get inside the house and climb the stairs as she began sobbing. Lupin, Ron and Harry all stared at her go, shocked.

"I better go to her," Harry immediately said, following her steps. Lupin looked at Ron with questions in his eyes, making Ron sigh.

"C'mon, I'll tell you all about it," he said with resignation, entering the house and closing the door behind him.

Hermione reached her room, now sobbing, and slammed the door after her. She covered her face with her hands and slid down to the floor, drawing up her knees. That had been too much. Too bloody much... She had just mistaken Lupin for Sirius! She choked and sobbed hopelessly.

Hermione had to admit that there were no other words to describe what was going inside of her than the following: this had scared the shit out of her. Was she going mental? Should she get a check up at St. Mungos? No. She had read somewhere about Freudian slips... Maybe it was that... But it made it all the worse. Sirius was DEAD.

"You're dead, you're dead, you're dead..." Hermione repeated over and over again, choking on the whispers.

"Hermione? Hermione, may I come in?" She recognized Harry's voice and whimpered. Silence. "Please, Hermione," he was begging. Hermione just couldn't face him. Not now. Not now when there was a chance that something Harry shouldn't know could escape her lips. She couldn't breathe properly; she must be hyperventilating... But the sobs wouldn't stop; a harrowing feeling rising in her.

For one life saving (and breath taking) second, she had believed she'd see Sirius again. It felt as if he had died all over again. But it was gone... That wonderful breath of life had been nothing but a delusion from her mind. This thought made her cry harder, and Harry resumed the knocking on the door. If he carried on that way, he'd be breaking it down. Hermione tried to stand, but her legs wouldn't hold her.

This reminded her of the time when Harry had told her Sirius was dead... Hermione tried to breathe and clutched her head: a headache was starting to form in there; she crawled towards her bed but stopped in the way. There was something growing in her throat, something that yearned to come out; if she didn't release it soon, she was going to choke. No, no, she had to fight it. But she couldn't; she felt as if she was going to explode. Hermione opened her mouth and screamed. Just screamed as her knuckles went white and more tears sprung out of her closed eyes. Her head was spinning...

The high, desperate scream could be heard all through the house. Ron and Lupin stopped talking and stared at the kitchen door, startled. Harry, on the other hand, opened Hermione's room with his wand at ready, only to find Hermione sobbing on the floor, lying on her stomach. He had never heard someone sobbing like that. Her body was shaking... Harry rushed over to her side and kneeled next to her, touching her shoulder. She flinched and then tensed.

"Hermione," he only said. She looked up at him with a horrified look on her face and backed away from him using her hands, looking wildly at him. Hermione didn't deserve being treated like that.

"Go away, Harry," she croaked, tears sliding down her cheeks. She covered her face and began rocking back and forth softly. "Go away, go away, go away," she began repeating over and over again. This did nothing more that to scare Harry even more. He scooted closer to her.

"Hermione, what's wrong? Tell me!" He demanded. Hermione shook her head and sobbed. No one could know, no one would ever understand; she had never felt more alone.

"I can't, Harry, I can't," she wailed. "Go away, go away..."

"I won't," Harry firmly said. Hermione uncovered her face and glared at him.

"GO AWAY!" she shrieked. Harry widened his eyes, hurt, but didn't move an inch. He was determined to help her, no matter what. When Hermione saw that he hadn't left her, she broke down into sobs again.

"I'm sorry Harry, I'm so sorry..." She trailed off. She wasn't talking about her outburst- She was talking about Sirius. Harry smiled at her.

"It's alright, Herm..." He trailed off, hugging her. Hermione didn't return the embrace, even though she wanted to. She broke the hug and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I- I just need- To lie down," she said between the hiccups. "I'm very- very tired," she tried to explain. Harry nodded and helped her up, and Hermione didn't refuse. She knew she wasn't going to be able to reach the bed. If it were for her, she'd lay right there on the floor. Who cared? She just wanted to sleep; to find refuge in the oblivion that sleeping was... Harry helped her lie down on bed and sat on the edge of it, staring at her sniff and try to clean her eyes.

"D'you want to me to- to stay with you?" Harry asked nervously. Hermione slightly shook her head and patted his hand; smiling weakly.

"You go down there. You haven't seen S- Lupin in a while," she corrected herself in mid sentence, beginning to cry again. Harry's brow furrowed slightly, but chose not to say anything.

"He's coming back tomorrow," he chose to reply. Hermione nodded.

"Great then, but Harry, I can't make you stay here... I'll be alright." That didn't sound true to even her own ears. Harry looked down and away. "It's not that I don't want to you here, Harry," she immediately added. "I just... Need to be alone for a little while." Well, that was true. Harry sighed and slowly stood up.

"Call me if you need anything," he only told her; he stole a glance at her one more time and left the room, softly closing the door after him. Hermione waited until he was gone and once again started crying. He was so nice to her; always so considerate... Hermione wouldn't have a problem with starting a relationship with Harry if it wasn't for what had happened with Sirius. Something stopped her from actually really fancying Harry.

You can't have an affair (if it could be called that) with the godfather and then move to tackle the godson. It just wasn't right.

But would it always be this way? Would Hermione end up her days as an old spinster, because of Sirius? Because of a person who had passed away two years ago? Would every chance of having a love life be tainted by what she had done? Bloody hell; leave alone a love life... What about simply... A life? Her life?

Hermione rolled on the bed and stared at the ceiling, which was blurry. The headache was growing... Where had her insides gone to...?

- Flashback-

"And what if I want to get burnt?" Hermione asked in a whisper, looking up and locking her eyes with his; losing herself in the midst of those stormy grey eyes. Sirius's face loomed closer to hers, so close now; she could feel his warm breath on her chin, just a little bit closer-

And his lips met hers.

Hermione was now sure that her insides had exploded. How could she explain the way her stomach was turning otherwise? She didn't have much experience when it came to kisses- After all; the only boy she had ever kissed had been Viktor. And even though he was older and naturally more experienced than her... Bloody hell, the kiss she was now sharing with Sirius just made her want to spit on the Bulgarian's face.

Hermione wasn't sure if her knees would hold her up much longer as Sirius gently cupped her face and deepened the kiss... In fact, he wasn't even being aggressive. The one getting aggressive was her. Hermione knew it was all wrong; she knew that he was old enough to be her father; she knew perfectly well that this was Harry's godfather...

But who gave a damn about it?

Hermione briefly broke the kiss to regain oxygen and Sirius followed suit. Hermione glanced at him and, with some surprise, saw that he looked scared.

"Hermione- You know this is all wro-" Hermione put her finger over his lips and nodded.

"I know. But I don't care. If this is a mistake, it's mine to make," she whispered.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," he whispered back, swallowing. Hermione knew he didn't want to leave. "Maybe we should-" He was abruptly cut off by Hermione's mouth, as she locked her arms around his neck.

Depraved, wasn't it?

Sirius put his arms around her and softly lifted her up until she was sitting on the kitchen sink...

-End flashback-

Hermione blinked and sat up with a start. She couldn't hear anything save for her breathing. She knew she hadn't fallen asleep, though, the stinging in her eyes told her that. She was used to it by now: her head hit the pillow and sleep would simply fade. Hermione sighed as she touched her swollen eyes and looked at the clock on the bedside table. It read 2.00 a.m. Had she looked petrified, like Harry had said, as she remembered Sirius?

Running her hands through her hair she swung her legs over the bed and sat on the bed's edge, resting her elbows on her knees and rubbing her face. She could use a Dreamless potion right now. Hermione felt so tired that she just wanted to cry out of pure frustration for not being able to sleep.

She removed her hands from her face and stared at her bedside table. Her stare fixed upon the plastic bottle full of Rivotril next to an empty glass of water... Hermione grabbed her wand and positioned the tip over the glass. "Aguamenti," she muttered. As water flowed from the tip of her wand she seized the bottle and shook it; the pills rattled invitingly inside of it. Hermione sighed at this and, leaving her wand next to the glass, opened the lid. She let two pills fall on her open palm and stared at them.

"Cheers," she muttered as she put the pills in her mouth and drank the water.

Half an hour later...

Hermione stumbled out of her room and giggled at the loud noise she had made when she almost slammed against a wall. Once she had regained balance she started walking slowly, pausing every now and then because, for some strange reason, the hallway walls kept moving around her. Or was it just the floor? Hermione couldn't really think clearly, if we came to the case, but she knew where she wanted to go and that was all she needed. Drunkenly she dragged her feet; she was so sleepy now; her eyes kept dropping as if she had lead in her eyelids, but she would be there soon.

-Flashback-

Hermione bit her lower lip, sitting on her bed in the room she shared with Ginny, wondering if she was planning to do was the right thing. It had been two days since Sirius had kissed her in the kitchen, and Hermione wanted to kiss him again. For the past two days, Sirius and she had done nothing but steal glances at each other over dinner or when they were cleaning the house...

Ginny snored in the bed next to her and Hermione smiled. If this was the time to do it, then she better do it right now. Everyone was sleeping. No one would know. Hermione stood up and carefully went over to the bedroom door; checked if Ginny was still soundly asleep, and went out of the room. As the door closed behind her, she couldn't help but to feel excited.

She knew it was all wrong, but, bloody hell, if she was going to be a pervert for lusting after Sirius, then she was going to be a happy one.

-End flashback-

Hermione's smile widened as she neared her goal and started giggling again as she stumbled on the carpet. Everything was blurry around her. Her body swayed as she walked and finally reached the old door. She let her body rest against the wood for a few seconds and grabbed the doorknob. She tried opening but, as her grip was too weak, it was a while before Hermione actually managed to open the door.

-Flashback-

Like a cat, Hermione swiftly tiptoed all the way towards Sirius's room, and nearly began jumping when she found his door slightly open. Hermione breathed in deeply and carefully pushed the door open, taking a peep inside. Sirius wasn't sleeping; she could see his silhouette by the window. Biting her lip and grinning widely, she purposely closed the door at little bit harder than needed.

Sirius immediately turned around, but Hermione couldn't make out his expression in the darkness that reigned in the bedroom. Sirius apparently could. "Her- Hermione?" He asked barely above a whisper, with a raspy voice. "What're you doing here?" He wanted to know. Hermione walked towards him until she stood next to him by the window. Without a word, she leaned in and kissed him.

-End flashback-

The smell of dust reached her nose and Hermione swaggered. She was back in his room, back in Sirius room; she had missed this place, yes, she had. This was her sanctuary.

"I knew you'd be coming here tonight," Harry's voice broke through the silence, as he stood up from a chair near the door.

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A/N: Well, there it is! Chapter six! I particularly liked this one... If you thought Hermione overreacted when she mistook Lupin for Sirius, let me disagree with you. I went through something very nasty a couple of weeks ago, and I reacted that way. So if you're going to blame anyone for the overreaction... You can blame me. Hehe. Anyway... I hope you liked this chapter! Now you have to review! Bye!