T'was the 26 of June and my birthday so instead of writing/uploading this chapter I ate cake. And gained almost two pounds. So no more cake or sweets for me and more writing instead.
My email is fcking with me and refuses to let me respond to your reviews, so instead of losing the last bits of my nerves, I decided to thank you here. I'm thinking of doing a Ranger POV chapter in the future, BUT as I'm lousy with his POV I might do it later on, when Steph gets her grove back :) And oh, this one has falshbacks as well :)
So thanks and hope you continue to read this story :) Love you all!
The ride to Lula's and Tank's was quiet. Tank was driving; he slipped into his own zone just minutes after we left the parking lot. If you didn't know Tank you wouldn't have seen that something was troubling him, and that the something was me. I hated to see him worry over me, I was a grown woman and I could take care of me myself. Lula was riding shotgun, she was twisting her hands like she was nervous. Probably the cause of this was me again. Bobby was looking out of the window, sitting next to me with his medical bag in between us. Guess he wanted some distance from me, and I couldn't blame him. I was damaged, hurt, cut into pieces, contaminated with Ranger's false love.
He had said it so many times. So many times, and I refused to listen. He had said that he didn't love me, he just wanted to fuck me but I was stubborn and tried to change him. Tried so hard to change him, heal him make him happy again. What an idiot I was, trying to do the impossible. He was too far away for me to rescue him, he had seen too much. My love couldn't heal him; instead it just ripped me apart. Oh the irony.
The scenery changed slowly outside the car windows. I could see the woman staring at me in the reflection on the window. She was empty, no soul in her eyes. She was scary. I traced her featured with my eyes, not focusing on the scenery. She had lost a lot of weight, her cheekbones glaring angrily at me, her lips dry and I couldn't help but to lick my own lips. Lula was still drumming with her fingers, the noise pounding in my head. The eyes continued to stare at me, making me so uncomfortable that I was ready to open the door and jump out any second.
The car stopped and I looked up and saw that we were at Lula's and Tank's summer cottage. I opened the door and my feet sank into the white sand, the warmth seeping into me from every direction. A sound escaped my throat, I didn't know if it was a sob, giggle or gasp and I really didn't care. The sound of the waves brought back memories from happier times, from times without any worry. Times with my grandpa.
"Come on grandpa!" I yelled as I ran through the sand, the sound of the carnival and the sea making me dizzy, the smells making me ecstatic. I looked behind me and saw that my grandpa was running towards me, holding his hat in his hand, laughing. His face was wrinkly, the laughter enhancing the lines. He got up to me and picked me up and spun me around a few times. I let out a scream that soon turned into a manic laughter. Tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks as he let me down. I was jumping, up and down, around him too excited to stand still. "Come on grandpa, let's go see the merry go round! Mary Lou said that it's bigger than last year!"
"Sure thing, Butterfly! But I want some cotton candy first" he said to me and winked, and took my little hand into his large one. His hand was warm as always and I squeezed it tightly.
"I want some cotton candy as well!" I giggled and tugged his hand to make him walk faster. I liked cotton candy. It was like eating a cloud.
"Stephanie?" Lula asked behind me bringing me back to this day. A single salty tear ran down my face, I wasn't sure if it was a happy or sad tear. I turned around and saw that they were all out of the car, looking at me worried. Lula had taken a few steps toward me but was still standing on the driveway. I looked down and saw that I had walked towards the sea a bit, the whiteness of the bandages standing out against the sand. I wiggled my toes, burying the deeper into the warm sand. "We'll go inside now. You can come or stay. Feel free to do anything you like, remember that we'll always be here for you if you like to talk."
I nodded, Lula smiled to me and picked up her purse and walked up to the house. I watched Tank nod at me and Bobby take one last look at my feet, then I turned around and faced the sea, starting to walk towards the raging waves. I'd always loved the sea. Even though I had almost drowned one time when I was a child.
The sun was blazing above me and I could feel it on my skin. I was building a sandcastle near the sea, laughing and making a huge mess. I looked over at Valerie who was also building a castle but higher up the beach, she was making the perfect towers with buckets as I was forming them by hand. She had found some seashells and had used them to make it pretty. I had found some stones and seaweed that I had used for the same thing. Her face was frowned as she was trying to make the castle prettier. I looked at her and couldn't understand why she wasn't having fun. I stood up and pretended to be a giant and hopped on the castle and smashed it while I was laughing like no other.
I could see that my mother disapproved what I was doing but my dad and my grandpa were laughing with me. I waved at them and waded out at the sea. The water was cool but I liked it because it was so hot. When the water hit my knees, I sat down at the bottom, looking out at the vast sea. It never ends the sea you know? When I grew up I wanted to swim over to the other side of the sea if there was an other side. I would swim with the dolphins and turtles and be a mermaid.
I felt something touch my foot and saw a little fish looking at me. I slowly extended my arm and reached out to touch the fish but it got scared and swam away. I put my heads underwater and opened my eyes to try to see the fish. The water was blue and the sand was brown. I couldn't see the fish no matter where I looked. I was sad, I didn't mean to scare him I had just wanted to touch him. Mary Lou said that fish feel weird. She had a goldfish and she used to pet him. I wanted a fish too but my mom wouldn't let me have one. Where were the fishes?
Suddenly I realized that the sea had taken me further out and that I couldn't reach to the bottom anymore. As I started to panic I felt strong hands grab me and lift me out of the water. I looked around and saw that it was my grandpa how had jumped in and rescued me. He had his hat still on.
"What were you doing Butterfly?" he asked me as he carried me back to the beach.
"I was trying to see the fish grandpa! But they got scared even though I didn't mean to scare them." I said to him and touched his cheek. "I didn't mean to"
"I know you didn't, I know you didn't but promise me that you won't do it again. Bad things could've happened. "He said to me as he put me down on the sand again, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. It felt nice.
"I promise. I don't want to scare you grandpa, I'm sorry!"
I snapped back to reality as the cold water hit my toes. I stopped and looked over the sea. It was a sunny day but it was early so the water hadn't warmed up yet. I stepped back and took my shirt off and tossed it on the sand. The wind from the sea made goose bumps on my skin as I threw my pants in the same pile. I stood completely naked in front of the mighty sea, my hair whipped by the wind. I stood there a while, hoping to get that feeling I did every time I stood in front of the sea. Disappointed that I didn't get that feeling of rush and joy, I took a deep breath and step by step walked out into the sea's embrace. I stopped walking when the water was up to my neck, I stopped and stood still letting the water surround me. Then I slowly bend my knees and let my head go underwater to make my hair wet.
I'm not suicidal, I've never been. Maybe it's because of my upbringing or because of something else but I've never wanted to take my own life. Not even now. I stood up and brushed my hair out of my face and the water from my eyes. The waves made me hop around a bit but I loved the way the sea always made me welcome. When I grandpa died I spend more time in the pool than on dry land. The water has always had a power over me, it always calls me back.
I hopped up and stared swimming. I swam for a long time until I was completely worn out. I swam to shore and onto the beach. Somebody had brought me towels and a sandwich. I sat down on one of the towels and wrapped one around me as I took a bite out of the sandwich. The sea was calm and the sun was setting. After I had finished the sandwich I picked on my bandages. They were soaking wet and dirty as hell. I sighed as I realized that I should go up to the house and let Bobby change the bandages. With a heavy heart I turned my back to the sea and started to walk up to the house.
Pretty please?