Hey guys It's been a while and I'm afraid that my schedule is as packed as ever. So I'm going to keep posting and writing whenever I have a spare moment. Hopefully I'll get this story moving forward soon.

Thanks for all the reviews; I hope you know I'm addicted to them!

It's been about three weeks since Lester returned home. He stayed only for a few weeks and then he had to go back to Newark because his nephew had fallen ill. I never stop being surprised how gentle and thoughtful these guys are. They really do care. They care about friends and family and I've noticed how their way of thinking is rubbing on me as well. I care about Tank, Bobby, Lester and Lula, more than I can even start to express. They are the sun my world circles around. They offer the gravity to hold me in place and glued up.

I've been doing great, they told me this morning. That I was making progress. They had smiled and looked at me like I'd done something heroic like saving a few hundred children from a burning house. I had smiled and laughed even though I knew myself that I hadn't been making any progress except in hiding my misery. It wasn't their burden to carry. So I pretended to be happy and later on let the mask come of in the shower or in the bed before I fell asleep. It was exhausting to play the happy and cheerful Stephanie when she wasn't even around anymore. She was truly gone and she wasn't coming back. I'm pretty sure the cheerful Stephanie had died ages ago.

It was getting colder and wetter as rain punished the earth. It was fall, my favorite time of the year. It had never been my favorite but now, damaged and hated as the season itself I appreciated the fall. It comes back every year knowing that everybody hated it and only saw it as the end of a great time. The fall brings misery. I was miserable. It was like the weather understood me.

I was standing on my balcony during a heavy rainfall. I loved the feeling of rain washing away everything you are and are going to be. I smiled at the pitch black clouds and closed my eyes to let the rain punish me instead of the earth. I deserved it, the earth didn't.

My thoughts were disrupted by my phone ringing. With a sigh I returned to the warm room. My phone was vibrating on the bed. I picked it up and saw that it was my realtor.

"Hello Rob" I said as I sat down on the bed as brushed my wet hair out of my face. I hoped he had some good news for me.

"Hey Steph!" he answered and his deep southern drawl made me smile. "I have a few houses that we need to talk over, I've found some true gems!"

"That's great news! Oh, I'm so happy to hear that" I answered and was truly happy. I needed the space without Tank hovering like a mother hen.

"Could you come to this diner nearby today so that we could get this over with ASAP and get you that house?" He sounded as excited as I was and I was truly blessed for finding this man. I couldn't wait to see what he had found.

"Sure thing!" I said and glanced at the clock. It was nearly 11 am. "Could we meet for lunch? Is twelve o'clock too soon?"

"No, that's perfect. You might need to reserve the afternoon as well if we decide to go and see the places.

I was hyperventilating in the parking lot. I leaned in on the steering wheel and tried to take deep breathes but I felt the panic race through me. I didn't realize when I cruised off in this car that I hadn't been outside the house since May. The panic had hit me the moment I drove by a happy couple waving at me, their arms around each other. A little boy slept in the mother's arms and a girl was running through the green and lush garden in front of this little cottage with grey stone walls and ivy growing on the walls. The scene was idyllic and heartbreaking to me. It dawned to me that I may not have that; that happiness, that family or closeness. Ever.

"Pull yourself together!" The new inner me screamed at me. "Don't be a coward and loser! Get your ass up and go inside and greet your new life!" I sighed so heavily that I thought my ribs would break but luckily that didn't happen. I pulled my shoulders back and exited the car.

It was cold outside but I didn't have any winter clothes anymore. I found a pair of too large jeans that hung on me, a white t-shirt and a grey long cardigan. My wet hair was in a bun high up on my head but some loose strands framed my face. My flip-flops flopped on the asphalt as I walked inside the diner.

Nobody here knows you, I told myself as I scanned the room for Rob. I found him at the back of the room, sitting beside the huge windows. I hurried there and was greeted with a huge smile.

"I'm so happy you could come!" he smiled and I swear he almost hopped up and down like an excited five-year old boy. I found this extremely charming. Having been surrounded by expressionless guys for years, this made a great variation.

"I'm happy too!" I laughed and put my bag down beside me, took of my flip-flops and lifted my feet underneath me, making as comfortable as possible.

"I see you're making yourself comfortable" he said to me with a chuckle. "That's great because we're going to be here for a while. Do you want to order something?"

"I hear they have excellent hot chocolate" I said and signaled the waiter. "I know I'm a child" I laughed and he laughed with me.

After getting my huge cup of hot chocolate and he got his coffee we got down to business. He picked four folders from his briefcase and spread them on the table.

"Okay, so you wanted an old house that could be fixed up. The second thing you wanted was that the house should be by the beach. Am I right?" he said and took a sip of his coffee. I nodded and held my cup in my hands to keep them warm. God only knows how I yearn and need the warmth in my body.

I heard the door open and knew instantly who opened it. Cancel the warmth.

Thoughts?