Chapter 5 - Regrets
"You don't have to give me your answer right now," Shizuma's words whispered softly into her ear. The silver haired love of her life was spooned up close behind her, their nude bodies nearly merged into one with their legs entwined beneath the sheet. "Just think it over for now my Nagisa," Shizuma added.
The warm breath brushed seductively across the fine hairs of her ear. Her body, covered in a fine sheen of sweat from their love making suddenly shivered as a cold chill ran down her spine. "Shizuma-oneesama," Nagisa replied in a tone mixed with surprise and fear, unable to believe she had heard correctly. "B…but aren't you leaving soon," she questioned the woman she loved, knowing full well that the older girl would be graduating tomorrow. This was to be their last night together.
Shizuma nodded slightly before bringing her lips in close to kiss the back of Nagisa's neck tenderly, causing the younger girl to shiver with pleasure. "The day after tomorrow," she affirmed with a smile upon feeling her lover's reaction at her touch. "The graduation ceremony is tomorrow and then dinner with the family in the evening. The following morning I'll be boarding a plane for France and travel abroad which, as I told you previously, I'm required to do," she affirmed.
They had talked about this previously, even before their relationship blossomed into being lovers, how Shizuma's family required her to travel aboard directly after graduation. The purpose of this was to broaden her horizons and hopefully instill in her a sense that the world was much larger than just her country of origin. To the younger redhead it just meant that she would not see her love for nearly two years. Nagisa clasped the other woman's arm that was wrapped around her midsection and pulled it in possessively around her. "Do you really have to go so soon," she asked yet again.
"Ssshh," Shizuma cooed into the back of the younger girls head before kissing it affectionately. "We can't do anything till you've finished your school my little Daisy," she replied softly. Inhaling the younger girl's scent deeply, she wondered when would be the next time she would be able to inhale the rich fragrance she loved so dearly. "I'll be back before you graduate though and we can work out the details then. The time will pass quickly," Shizuma assured her. "I'll write you every day." While she could easily tell Nagisa that the time was not that long, within her own heart she wondered how she would ever manage without the petite redhead by her side. "You know," she said in a seductive voice which caused the younger girls pulse to start to race, "I'm not gone yet and it is several hours till morning…" Soft full lips nibbled at Nagisa's shoulder as a delicate hand slid along her body and cupped one pert breast. Hearing the younger girl's soft sultry moan at her touch was all the encouragement Shizuma required. I guess we won't be getting any sleep tonight after all, she thought to herself with a satisfied smirk.
Nagisa berated herself for the hundredth time. I can't believe I said her name! Just the thought of it sent a thrill of pleasure down her spine. The brunette was sitting at a small diner just down the street from the hotel she had made the call at a few minutes ago. She had decided to wait and see what happened and hence had asked to be seated at the table near the window that afforded her a clear view of the hotel she had been staying at. Once before, when this chase first started several years ago, she had returned to her hotel room only to almost run into the very person she was trying desperately to avoid. Since then she had made it a rule to never go back once she had made the call. Even as she watched a non-descript white sedan pulled up and parked at the side of the road in front of the hotel.
The waitress, dressed in a low cut top with an overly high hem line outfit, came over to take her order. I might as well treat myself while I wait, she figured. "I'll have tea, heavy on the cream and sugar, as well as a slice of your cake," she informed the waitress who took her order in a slightly greater than bored manner. Nagisa stared out the window and watched the white sedan as she waited for her order to arrive. Even after all these years her one weakness was sweets. She just couldn't say no to them. I'm amazed that I'm not considerably wider, she thought to herself as she self-consciously ran a hand down across her flat abdomen to reassure herself of her continued thinness. The waitress returned shortly with her tea and cake. Taking a sip of the tea Nagisa quickly added more sugar to it till it suited her preference. Looking towards the cake her mouth started to water as her eyes took in the chocolate goodness covered by a cherry glaze and whipped cream that adorned the top of the slice. Where have I seen this before, she asked herself as she sat there. Suddenly, with vivid clarity, she recalled that it had been several years prior, while she was still attending school and wore a St. Miator's uniformed. Sitting there her mind once more relived that memory as if it were just yesterday.
"Nagisa-chan," Tamao asked as soon as the redhead stepped from the head sister's office, "Is everything alright? I heard you had been called in and I rushed over as quickly as I could." The dark haired girls face reflected her concern for her roommate.
Nagisa couldn't help but feel touched at the concern she saw mirrored in her friend's eyes. "I'm fine Tamao-chan. You worry too much," she chided her best friend gently as she balanced the package she was carrying in both her hands. "I received this package and was called here to collect it," Nagisa explained as she started walking down the hall with the shorter girl falling into step beside her.
"What is it," inquired the smaller girl who was dressed in the same uniform, her blue black hair that was done up on a bun upon the top of her head. Tamao-chan reached out and felt the side of the package and was surprised to find it cold to the touch.
"I don't know as yet," Nagisa replied, a hint of curiosity entering her voice, as she eyed the brown wrapping that had only her name written on it and in heavy black marker the words 'DO NOT TILT'. "It was delivered by special carrier the Sister said. Let's go back to the room and open it," Nagisa suddenly squealed.
"You're such a child, Nagisa-chan," Tamao replied though the excitement in her own voice was evident to her friend. There was nothing like a good mystery to stir a girl's curiosity.
"I am not," the redhead pouted as they hurried to their room. "I just want to know what it is!" The two fifth year students arrived at their room and after going inside and closing the door set the package down on the short table. Carefully they removed the brownish colored packaging paper to reveal a white nondescript box with an envelope taped to the top of it. On the front of the envelope were written the words 'Do not open till tonight's tea party'. "Did you order it, Tamao-chan?"
Nagisa-chan is too cute, Tamao thought to herself as she regarded the curious expression upon her roommates face. Tamao shook her head in way of answer. "Maybe one of the others did and forgot to mention it," she offered.
The small redhead had to use all of her self-control to refrain from opening the box right that instant and seeing what the contents of it were. "Well, I guess there's nothing we can do now but wait," she said is a disheartened voice.
Tamao couldn't help but giggle at the dejected look upon the face of her best friend. Nagisa-chan is just so adorable! Since Shizuma had graduated the two roommates had been growing closer and closer. Shizuma may hold my Nagisa's heart for now but I will win it back, she thought earnestly to herself. "Come," the smaller girl said after standing and extending her hand to the redhead. "It's nearly time for dinner so we should wash up." Seeing Nagisa still eyeing the white box Tamao added with a knowing smile, "They are serving your favorite dessert tonight Nagisa. I'll let you have mine," she offered to synch the deal.
True to form the redhead squealed and took her best friends hand as she jumped to her feet. "What are we waiting for," Nagisa exclaimed happily as she nearly dragged the smaller girl to the bathroom so they could wash up.
After dinner they worked on their homework together and then took turns bathing alone. Nagisa declined Tamao's offer to wash her back for her. In this manner evening turned to night and soon it was time for their usual tea party. The table was set and the tea was just about ready when the first knock was heard on their door. Upon answering it Nagisa welcomed Yaya and Hikari warmly, opening the door wider for them to enter before closing the door to the room. No sooner had the door been closed and she had taken a step away from it when there was another soft knock from outside it. Opening the door Nagisa smiled to Chiyo-chan and Tsubomi-chan and let them in as well. Nagisa closed the door and draped a blanket across the bottom of it to conceal any light that may shine out. Upon turning back towards the table she saw four sets of eyes staring at the white box. As the young redhead took her place at the table all the eyes turned in her direction. "What?" Nagisa asked trying not to squirm under their direct scrutiny.
"Nagisa-oneesama, what is it," Chiyo-chan inquired, her eyes round in wonderment looking back towards the white box in the center of the table. The others were quick to voice their support for the younger girl's inquiry.
"I really don't know," Nagisa finally responded with once the others had finished voicing their queries. "It arrived today with the note saying to not open it till the tea party tonight," she responded with pointing to the letter on the top of the box that clearly stated not to open till the tea party. "We thought…" Nagisa glanced to Tamao quickly before continuing, "…that one of you may have ordered it." At the blank stares and nods around the table Nagisa sighed heavily being no closer to determining what was in the box or even who it was from.
"Well, it is the tea party and we're all here," Tamao chimed in with suddenly into the silence, "So why don't you open it now Nagisa-chan?"
Nagisa nodded and with stern concentration she removed the envelope from the top of the box and set it aside to investigate later. With barely contained excitement she cut through the tape holding the box closed using her finger nail and then opened the box. Inside resided six different pieces of cake each one a masterpiece in its design and presentation which extracted appropriate sounds of awe and appreciation from all around the table.
"They look almost too beautiful to eat," Hikari said unable to remove her eyes from the pieces of cake.
"Yeah are you sure these were meant for you, Nagisa-chan," Yaya inquired, impressed with the quality of the desserts within the box as well.
"It wouldn't have been addressed to her if it wasn't meant for her, Senpai," Tsubomi replied with a roll of her eyes before Nagisa could say anything.
"Thank you Na-gi-sa," Yaya replied, articulating each syllable distinctly, to her kōhai with a smirk that caused the pink haired girl to look away in a huff.
Nagisa lifted the envelope and opened it and then pulled out a piece of paper. Written on the paper in delicate hand writing she was becoming familiar was a message that brought a smile to her face.
'Saw these today and thought of you so I had them shipped none stop. Hope you enjoy.'
The paper was signed with a heart followed by the one name that was etched into her heart, Shizuma. Nagisa read the letter aloud to those gathered which brought ooh's and aah's and smiles of approval. Nagisa smiled and blushed thinking of the silver hair woman she loved and just how thoughtful she was even when not there. Shizuma had only been gone a month and yet Nagisa already missed so much that she didn't know how she would get through the remainder of the two years apart.
It was quickly decided that Nagisa would get first choice as the cakes were sent to her after all. The redhead had a hard time deciding as they all looked delicious to her but she finally settled a piece of chocolate cake covered in a cherry glaze with whipped cream on top of it. The others quickly made their selection based on age while Chiyo-chan served all of them tea.
"Was there anything else in the envelope?" Yaya asked curiously.
Nagisa set the plate down she had just served her cake on and reaching over picked up the envelope and peered inside. There was in fact something else in there that she had missed the first time. Slipping two fingers she drew out a photograph. As she looked at it her breath caught in her throat and she could feel her eyes misting up. The picture was of her beloved Shizuma-oneesama, whom she missed dearly. The older girl's left hand was suspended in the air slightly to the front and above her head which was tilted backward. From the older girl's forefinger and thumb of the suspended hand, dangled precariously by its stem, was a large red cherry. The older girl's lips were partially puckered and opened while in the act of capturing the suspended fruit when the picture was snapped apparently. Nagisa's eyes were transfixed upon the soft full lips so near to the cherry. How she wished that she was that fruit as she longed for the other woman's kiss.
"Look there's writing on the back," Tamao who was sitting next to Nagisa pointed out. "Wish this was you," she read aloud. Perplexed faces all around the table appeared upon hearing those words and their confusion only deepened when the young redhead suddenly crushed the photograph to her bosom, effectively hiding it, and turned a bright cherry red.
The return of the waitress to refill her teacup broke her from her reminiscence. Glancing down at the yet untouched piece of cake she realized that it was the same cake that she had selected that night those many years ago. What am I doing here, she wondered as she took her first bite, finding the taste of the cake to fall far short of her remembrance of the cake from the first time she had it. Her attention was suddenly caught as she detected movement out in the street. Glancing down the road towards the hotel, she saw a second white sedan pull up and come to a stop behind the first one. The driver, dressed in a black business suit with her chauffeur's hat set smartly at a slight angle, quickly got out and walked around to the rear door on the passenger side and opened it. For a long moment nothing happened and then the familiar mane of silvery hair came into view rising from the back of the sedan like the moon cresting the horizon on a dark night.
Shizuma! Nagisa's heart ached in her chest as she beheld the woman she loved. The silver crowned head swiveled as the older woman scanned the area. For brief moment Nagisa saw the flash of emerald eyes and a jolt went through her as the gaze of her love swept over her. The false brunette couldn't move as her body refused to respond to her screams within her mind to flee while she still could. Much like upon their first meeting, the younger girl found herself transfixed by the older woman's beauty and presence even from this distance. As quickly as the gaze arrived, it swept past her and the silvery haired goddess turned and strolled boldly into the hotel. My Shizuma-oneesama, her heart ached at the first sighting of the woman in over three years.
The clatter of her fork bouncing off the ceramic plate startled her back to reality. Glancing down she realized she must have dropped the utensil on accident. She looks thin, far thinner than she was before. I've never seen her look so worn out and tired. Am I the cause of that? Nagisa couldn't help but wonder if the past several years had taken a toll upon the older girl. What can I do?
What had at first started as self-denial, a denial of what she wanted for what she believed was better for the woman she loved had changed to remorse. At some point over the length of their game of cat and mouse she had crossed the point where she couldn't return and ask for forgiveness. I can't just say I'm sorry and go back to her and expect to be accepted, she reasoned. There's no way she would accept me back after this long. Nagisa glanced down at the partially eaten cake and realized that she no longer had an appetite for it. Rising from the table, she quickly paid her bill and then slipped out of the diner and made her way in the opposite direction of the hotel.
Why? Why couldn't I just have agreed with her? Would it really have been that difficult to do? The brunette walked randomly turning corners till she found a bus stop where she sat as she awaited its arrival. She had been resolved to live her life without the emerald eye goddess. Resolved to the fact that Shizuma would have a better life without her in it. Resolved to the fact that without her there the older woman would be able to marry, maybe even into royalty which she had previously turned away, and settle down and be happy. At some point her resolve had turned into regrets. Regret that she didn't agree in the first place. Regret that she didn't apologies after running away and ask for forgiveness. Regret that she hadn't voiced her concerns and spoke openly with the silver haired love of her life. Regret that the only way to keep the woman she loved in her life was to continue upon this course indefinitely. It was with regret that she boarded the bus when it arrived to take her to some other place, some other hotel. In her heart she knew her greatest regret was not being with the one person she loved, Shizuma.
Author's Note:
The Muse has been on hiatus for a while now so I apologize for the slow updates. I think there may only be a few chapters of this story left….then again who knows?
As always, though certainly not required, I do appreciate any and all reviews, comments and Private Messages. Please let me know what you like and what you disliked.
Kind Regards,
EJ Daniels
All characters within this story, unless otherwise stated are the sole property of Sakurako Kimino the original writer of the Strawberry Panic! light novel series.