Chapter 13- "I Never"
Max was sleeping when Hans came home that evening. I had prepared a simple dinner and afterwards Hans helped me clean. I no longer felt like we were a team though. I asked him to have a seat at the table afterwards and he looked at me with suspicion. He puffed his cigarette and tentatively took his usual seat at the table. I bent down to one of the cabinets and lifted out an old bottle of gin. I grabbed two small glasses from one of the higher cupboards and wiggled the bottle back and forth in my hand as I placed the glasses on the table.
His eyebrows raised as he watched me with interest. "What is this?" he asked, regarding the bottle with amusement in his eyes. I opened the bottle and poured a small amount in both of the glasses. I slid one sharply across the table towards him. He caught it with surprising grace.
"I want to play a game," I said.
"A drinking game?"
"Doesn't it look that way?"
"I just didn't think you were much for games, Ada. Perhaps I was wrong," he said with a glint in his eyes.
"What are the rules?" he asked as I took my seat.
"It's called 'I never.' I say something along the lines of 'I've never riden in a hot air balloon.' If you've riden in one you empty your glass, but if you havn't then you don't drink. I'll go first," I said. He nodded in response, his eyes never leaving mine.
"I've never lived with anyone who wasn't family before you," I said.
Hans tilted his head back and emptied his glass. I smiled and slid the bottle across the table towards him so he could refill his glass. He put the bottle down then thought for a moment- a moment that seemed like forever.
"I've never worn purple," he said with a satisfied smile.
I huffed then emptied my glass. "Hans you have to be more creative than that. You can't just keep saying things like 'I've never worn high heels or worn a dress because that's obvious. The point is to ask questions you want to know the truthful answer to. Surely there must be something about me that you don't know." He can't know everything.
Hans nodded but it was my turn. "I've never been married," I said.
Hans looked at me and smiled, never breaking the eye contact. His glass stayed firmly on the table. His fingers danced along the rim, teasing me but he never moved the glass an inch. Interesting.
"I've never killed someone and felt disgusted with myself afterwards," he said. I thought about drinking. I put my hand on the glass but if I wanted him to be honest, I had to be as well. I let my fingers fall from the edges of the glass and left it sitting on the table, still filled with alcohol. His smile widened and the hint of a chuckle resonated in his chest.
"I've never had a one night stand," I said. I don't know why I expected differently as he tilted his head back again and emptied his glass.
"Do I have to drink for each one?" he asked with a joking glint in his eyes.
"No," I said more meakly than I had hoped for.
Hans loosened his tie. "I've never taken secret delight when sexually tortured," he said, straight faced. He may have thought he knew me but he had gone to far. I did not drink and for a moment I thought I saw surprise cross his features but it was only a moment. He had gone too far for my taste. Did he really think that I enjoyed that?
"I've never gotten off on making others miserable," I said. The bastard emptied his glass.
"I've never been prone to taking an attitude with figures of authority," he said. Now he was deliberately trying to piss me off. At first I thought the sexual comment was just an honest accident. If he hadn't caught on before, he knew exactly what I was up to now and my guess was that he didn't like it. The elusive Hans Landa didn't want to be understood or known. If making me angry didn't work, he'd try some other way to end the game.
It was my turn to tilt my head back and drink proudly. After all, I didn't have a problem with authority. I just had a problem with his.
"I've never considered myself controlling or manipulative," I said, not thinking too much about what the wording meant. The asshole didn't drink and seemed satisfied at my annoyance.
"What?" he asked innocently. "I've never thought of myself that way. Just because you do..."
I involuntarily grunted in protest.
"I've never seen a woman look so beautiful when she is peeved by me," he said and looked back with more sincerity in his eyes than I had ever seen. What the fuck. I was even surprised at my own thought, so much so that I gasped aloud.
Hans wasn't cute when he was angry. He was outright scary and the way he phrased it I couldn't really respond because I don't think I'd ever had a woman angry with me and if so I wouldn't even think to call her attractive. No. He rose from his chair and walked towards my side of the table. The game can't be over. There was so much more I was prepared to ask and he was snaking his way out of revealing anything.
He offered his hand. A bit shocked by what he had said, I took it without much thought and stood. He lead me silently into the den and I stood by him as he pulled a record from the cabinet under the radio and placed it on phonograph near the back door. In those short seconds I studied him and spotted the weapon on his hip. It had dawned on me that he never fixed my gun or gave me a replacement since that wild night weeks ago. Was the trust that gone? Did he think I was going to hurt him?
I cast my eyes down towards the floor as he turned back to me. He wrapped a strong arm around my lower back and pulled me close. Automatically my right arm went to his shoulder as he took my left hand in his and began to sway me gently. He used our interlocked fingers to lift my chin so that I would look at him. Once he was satisfied with what he saw he allowed me to rest my head on his shoulder. I was instantly calm. I hated him for it.
I recognized the first song from the early thirties, before the war started. It was in English. I became lost in my thoughts as I listened silently to the words.
Have you ever seen a dream walking? Well I did.
Have you ever seen a dream talking? Well I did.
Did you ever have a dream thrill you with 'Will you be mine?'
Oh it's so grand and it's too too divine.
Did you ever see a dream dancing? Well I did.
Did you ever see a dream romancing? Well I did.
Did you ever see Heaven right here in your arms, saying 'I love you, I do?'
Well the dream that was walking and the dream that was talking and the Heaven in my arms is you.
A deep chuckle that shook his chest brought me out of my reverie and I realized what he was laughing about. I had taken to a decoration on his field coat and was tracing it with my fingers unknowingly. I looked up at him and his eyes twinkled.
"What do they all mean?" I asked suddenly, letting my eyes roam across his medals and pins.
He started at his sleeves and pointed out the Old Campainer's Chevron and the SD diamond. From there he trailed up to his right breast pocket, and explained to me the 'Blood Order' decoration just underneath the button on the flap. Then he moved to the decorations on his left breast pocket, the ones that were just over his heart.
He explained the bar above it first, pointing at each individual one with my fingers still interwined in his. There was a War Merit Cross 2nd class, his NSDAP Long Service Awards for 1st and 2nd class and a medal for German Social Warfare. On his left pocket flap he traced his figners along the Golden Party Badge then trailed our hands down to the SS Germanic Proficiency Rune, Anti-Partisan Warfare Badge and the War Merit Cross- 1st class.
He had briefly explained what each of them meant but I tuned in and out of his speech. His voice was so memerising and that childlike glint in his eyes that revealed his excitement, captivated me. I was never a huge military person even though it seemed to run in my family. It was like reading music to me- something that would be nice to understand but something I didn't. I looked him in the eyes as he spoke. As he finished, I rested my head back on his chest. Perhaps part of it was the alcohol even though I hadn't had much, I wasn't used to it and I had downed it rather fast.
Before I really thought about what I was saying or doing, I found myself tracing his medals with my other hand then I looked back up at him, out faces only a breath apart.
"I'm very proud of you, Hans," I said. He seemed shocked by this knowledge. "I know I might not always support what you do nor do I really want to know what you're up to during the days you aren't here with me regardless I am so very proud of you." I don't know where it came from but it was true and I started to tear up at the admission. He held me closer and smiled- a rare but true and genuine smile from Hans Landa. He was grateful after all.
"You're a good man, Hans Landa," I said brushing my fingers against his cheek. "And when you do something you see to it that its done right, regardless of what others think. You know I've heard stories about you and how you could be this terrible monster or even the Devil himself, but I see so much more in you, Hans. You work hard and are good at what you do. You're heart is in your work. I admire you for that."
I knew I was speaking to him from my heart, openly and completely for the first time since we'd met but I also knew that though it was true, I would eventually leave him. It might not make sense at this moment to anyone else but me but I knew that I wasn't happy there. Hans wasn't enough.
I was practically a bird in a cage. I didn't belong here. This was not me. This was not my world. I wasn't supposed to be the girl who stayed at home all day, cooking, cleaning and tending to someone else. My life revolved around him but this was not the life I wanted. What was I getting out of this relationship with him? Pain? Misery? Anger? Nothing good.
Hans would no doubt make me feel guilty if I ever voiced this to him. He'd say I'd gotten clothes, fresh food, a warm bed, safety... Max.
Max. It's amazing how within a few hours someone or rather, something could become your best friend. I could tell Max everything and he wouldn't judge. He instantly loved me.
After a bout of silence Hans started to speak and seemed to choose his words with caution. "There is an event," he said, "a dinner this Saturday. It's rather large. A lot of officer's and soldier's families will be there. It's a ceremony for us so we recognize all that we have accomplished so far in this war. I'd like you to accompany me."
"I don't have anything to wear," I said stupidly.
"Wear the yellow dress. You don't wear it enough." That was all he said and like that the conversation was over.
I would make this my last hurrah. I would go with him and hang off of his arm just this once more and then I would leave. The longer I waited the more painful it would be but I no longer needed him. The baby was gone and no longer some impending doom. I would take the 100 marcs I had hidden under my mattress, pack a small bag for Max and I and leave while he was at work. My mind was made.
I doubt he would suspect anything but I had to think things through. Where would I go? How would I hide? What would I say should he catch me leaving or find me elsewhere? Today was Wednesday. I had until Saturday to make everything final.
He was using me after all wasn't he? He only kept me around in the beginning for his safety... because his name was on my stomach- or so he said. How convenient that I was so willing to take care of his stomach and his laundry yet he never asked for other favors. My injuries were healed now and I wondered why he still hadn't thought to make an advance.
"You're mad at me," he said plainly. "Ada, I see no harm in escorting a beautiful young woman as I've done many a time before with you." He looked too persuasive, like a child covering for something.
"You look so innocent," I said.
"I am innocent."
"Ha," I retorted towards his lopsided grin.
"If I am guilty, I am guilty of being swept away by your charm," he teased.
I rolled my eyes. I could never be sure what he was really thinking. He was so good at acting. Without much more thought on the topic, I stretched up on my tip toes and brought our lips together. He did not hesitate to respond but before things became too firey he pulled back.
"What's wrong?" I asked. Didn't he want me? Was I not mature enough or pretty enough? What was the problem? He was a man. I was a woman. He must need some release...
His expression sobered. "I didn't expect any of this to happen you know," he said.
"Any of what to happen?"
"Falling in love," he said. "I can see it in your eyes."
"Does this mean you've fallen in love with me?" I asked but he gave no clear response.
"Ada, if I hurt you you will never forgive me," he said, gripping my shoulders tight.
"The cream healed everything," I said. "It stopped stinging. I'm ready," I insisted but still he held me back.
"Cream can't heal emotions or erase memories," he said. "Are you mentally healed? That kind of healing takes more time."
Damn him for always being right. I did want him, but what would I want if I felt a man on top of me again? Would the thoughts come flooding back? Would I try and fight him? "We won't find out if we try," I suggested meakly.
He smiled, knowing he was right and had gotten to me.
"I want to," he said. "But I don't want you to hate me."
At times, I was certain that was all he wanted. All I could do was nod and hope that possibly before this weekend he would change his mind. I couldn't believe it...as flirtatious and seductive he had been while he knew we couldn't because of my injuries...now I was fine and he turned me down? It didn't make sense. It didn't feel like the Hans I knew, the one he had shown me.
Perhaps Saturday night, if I charmed him enough, his mind would change. When we retired that night I had expected him to ask me to stay with him and was disappointed when he did not. I couldn't take much more of his games, being toyed with did not make me happy. I still had my doubts though. Was he hiding something? Is he afraid of me? Of us? Of children, possibly?