Sorry for the late update, i haven't had access to the computer. I hope ya'll like this chapter!
Chapter 7: It's Just Too Hard
"And that's why I don't think we should stay here." I say taking a deep breath. Michonne stares at me. "I understand where you're coming from, but do you really just wanna leave everyone?" She asks. I sigh. "No, but I don't want them hurt." I say.
"Yeah, but leaving them is going to hurt them, not physically, but emotionally. And sometimes that pain can be worse." Michonne says soothingly. "They're equally bad. I know what I'm saying; I don't wanna put my family in danger." I say. "Are you sure about this Sophia?" "I thought you didn't want to be here anyway?" "Yeah, but you do."
I shake my head. "This is just too hard. Why do I even go on?" I mutter. "Don't think like that. I agree with what you're saying, they want us, not your group, so leaving would put them out of jeopardy, but…I just don't know if this is good for you emotionally." "I can take it Michonne." I say. "I don't—" "Stop! I've made up my mind!" I yell.
"You've lost your mind! It's official now!" Emma says loudly and throws her long arms up in the air.
I stare at her sadly. Everything is so easy for her; she has no idea what I go through every day. And frankly she probably never will. She may be my best friend, and one of my only friends, but she sure doesn't act like it. She treats me like a dog. Sit. Stay. Don't hurt yourself. Lay down. Stop talking, you're being annoying. Fetch. Do what I say. And if you don't you go in your cage. Only for your safety.
"If you switched places with me Emma, you would understand where I'm coming from. If you don't believe me then fine, but I wouldn't lie about these things." I explain, trying to keep calm, unlike Emma.
"So you want to kill yourself? That's not right in the head Sophia! I'm tempted to consider sending you to a mental hospital or something! People don't just kill themselves! Besides you're only, what, eleven? I'm sure you're over reacting about all this. It can't be that bad." I start to zone out as Emma continues her lecture. I could care less about what she has to say about me.
"I just want it to be over." I whisper. And it's true, I do what it to be over, but I'm just not sure I want my whole life to be over…
"Sophia! Are you listening to me? Sophia!"
All day everyone keeps on wanting to hang around me and it's driving me crazy! And it's making me guilty because Michonne and I decided it will be best if we leave for now. I wish, in a way, that I hadn't come out from that hiding spot. Because of all this I find myself sitting outside in the prison yard. I can't face everyone. Not that coming outside really helps because they still come outside and try and talk to me.
"Hey kid, what are ya doin' out 'ere?" I turn to see Daryl walking towards me. I look away. He's really the last person I want to talk to right now.
"Just thinking. That a crime?" I ask with a small smile. Daryl shakes his head and stands next to me. I look up at him. He looks tired and really out of it. Then again we all look like that I guess. He runs his hands through his brown hair and then looks down and meets my eyes.
"Naw, not at all. Jus' that yer Mom's worried 'bout ya." Daryl mutters. I sigh.
"She always is." I say. He makes a face. It's not really a confused face, it's more of a 'and…?' face. I tend to get those a lot. People don't get what I'm trying to say. Maybe I just know what I'm saying in my mind so I don't say the words, I just keep them inside, and assuming people get it too. Usually they don't.
"Yeah, ya sure aren't the same kid. What did they do t' ya?" He asks.
"So many things. Hit me, abused me, made me fight walker for entertainment, and some near other things." I shrug it off. I try to put it behind me, that really the only thing I can do. I'm not gonna dwell on it any more than I have to. I just want to move on.
"I know how it feels. I was abused as I kid too. Guess that's why I felt so entitled to findin' ya." He says.
"Yeah Carl told me you looked for me. Thanks." I say. "But I guess you would have looked for anyone huh? It being the right thing to do."
"Guess so." Daryl has a distant look on his face, like he's thinking too hard. I know the feeling.
"Everyone keeps on telling me you like my Mom." I say randomly. Daryl's mouth opens, but no words come out. "I mean, like her as love her…Do you?" I ask.
Daryl shakes his head. "I care 'bout yer Mom, but…as a friend…" He seems unsure of his words. I smile to myself.
"You do, don't you?" I say. He blinks a few times. "I've seen the way she looks at you. The little things that you're too blind to notice. But if you don't like her then oh well." I shrug and pretend not to care as I stand up. I glance back at him as I walk away.
"Some things you shouldn't wait for." I call, but he doesn't respond. I sigh and head back inside. I have to leave tonight, Michonne and me. I don't want to leave my family…but…putting them in danger is just too much to risk.
"Hey, are you crying?" I look up to see Beth standing in front of me. I put my hand to my cheek and feel a tear sliding down it. I wipe it away.
"I'm fine, don't worry about it." I mutter and try to walk past her, but she blocks my path.
"Whoa, wait up." She says. I sigh loudly and cross my arms. I look at her in the eye. She isn't too much taller than me so I don't feel so little compared to her. "Is something wrong? Is it Carl? Did he do something?" Beth interrogates me. I squint at her.
"What? No, why would you ask that?"
Beth shrugs. "'Cuz you like him…and he likes me…not that I like him back." I glare at Beth, feeling anger boil inside me.
"I don't like him. Where would you get such a stupid idea?" I snap. Beth looks suddenly nervous. She simply shakes her head and scurries away. I brush my hair out of my face and turn around, feeling annoyed. When I turn around I meet Carl's bright, watering, blue-green eyes. My mouth drops open and guilt rises inside me. "Carl…I didn't mean it like that!" I exclaim.
"Whatever Sophia." He snaps and brushes past me, the tears in his eyes are replaced with anger. I stand there forcing down the scream that wants to erupt from inside me. I am so done with all this. I spin around in a circle as I try to gain my composure and figure out where Michonne has headed off to.
I hear her voice in the cell block and follow the sound. I slow my pace when I see her talking to Mom. Michonne's arms are crossed as she listens carefully. Mom's mouth is moving quickly as she speaks. Michonne holds up her hand and Mom stops. As I reach them I hear Michonne say, "If you love something let it go, haven't you heard that?" Mom glances at me with a smile.
"Are you talking about me?" I ask. Mom shakes her head slowly and looks at Michonne.
"No, but I would like to talk to you." Mom explains. I look at Michonne. She nods and walks away. Sometimes I don't understand here…I barely know her, but I trust her…things work out on strange ways.
"What did you need?" I ask politely. Mom looks down and her face in engulfed with shadows.
"I'm sorry for back on the highway, I should have done something. It's my fault. I put so many people at risk…I just…I don't—"
"Shut up! Stop blaming all this on yourself!" I say, leaving out all the cuss words I probably would have put in if I weren't talking to my mom. "I should have just stayed put under that car! I should have listened to Rick. You didn't do anything." I say. Mom just shakes her head, something wrong here, I can tell. Ad it has nothing to do with what happened back at the highway. "If anything," I begin, "You haven't been paying attention to me now! I mean you have, but not in a good way…everyone has been treating me like a dog, like people always have! You…everyone…I…" The words leave me as quickly as I think of them.
"That's why I'm saying I'm sorry. Not just for the highway, but for everything. For making you suffer by having Ed as your father. For not doing what I should have, which is leaving him…"
"You didn't have a choice." I murmur.
We stand in silence. "I love you, Sophia, and I hope you know that." Mom says her tone serious.
"Of course I do!" I yell, but not rudely. "I love you too, it's just…things are different…I'm different."
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