A/N: Sorry for the slow update, I've been very, very busy this week (see note below)!

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Also, any views expressed by the Daily Prophet may or may not be my own. Heh heh heh.

Chapter 4: Next Stop, Hollywood

"You see this?" Dumbledore asked Snape, directing his gaze at the Thestral-shaped smoke winding through the air. "It's a Shinigami, a creature of death. Lately, a couple of them have been wreaking havoc in the Muggle world. I trust that you keep yourself up to date with the news, Severus?"

"Of course," Snape said slowly, "but what does that have anything to do with my wand?"

"If I'm reading the signs correctly, the best chance of recovering it will be to locate the Shinigami." Dumbledore stroked his beard. "I can't exactly tell you how they'd be able to assist you, but my strangely nameless and unidentified silver instruments that just so conveniently give me clues during times of trouble have never been wrong..."

Snape frowned into the haze of smoke. "The Shinigami? How am I supposed to approach them, these creatures of death?"

"You'll have to defer to the experts about that," said Dumbledore. "Meaning Hagrid, of course."

"Hagrid..." Snape was reluctant about the gamekeeper.

"I would advise you to drop by his place as soon as possible, not to mention anything about your missing wand, and to stay clear of the giant, bloodthirsty Acromantula in the Forest that nobody knows about because they're so well-hidden –"

"...I beg your pardon?"

The Headmaster blinked.

"Stay clear of the Whomping Willow, I'll have Professor Sprout tend to her in the morning," Dumbledore said calmly as though he hadn't almost exposed the four founders of Hogwarts as dunces for building the school near a place as sketchy and dangerous as the Forbidden Forest, which would only serve as a tempting breeding ground for illicit activities like rampant teenage sex and harboring eight-legged monster fugitives. Nope, no siree.

As they made their way through Heathrow security, a thought occurred to Aizawa.

How had the English man managed to flip him into the air like that? Was he actually a "wizard"? Or had it simply been another Shinigami, invisible to them and seeking mischief?

Then he suddenly remembered what he had stuffed inside his jacket.

"Matsuda, take a look at this," said Aizawa, taking out the wooden stick.

"Whoa, you stole it from that guy!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"I confiscated what I thought to be a dangerous weapon," Aizawa argued. "So what do you think it is?"

"A wand, of course!" Matsuda said eagerly, snatching it out of Aizawa's hands for a closer inspection. He gave it a little wave, but nothing happened. "Aw...it's fake..."

"Should we throw it out?"

"No way, it's so cool! Can I keep it? Please?" Matsuda cooed.

When Aizawa hesitated, Matsuda proceeded to give him the biggest puppy eyes ever and Aizawa's stone cold heart melted, because silly!Matsuda melts everyone's hearts even though he's a freakin' thirty-year-old man who most likely had Peter Pan syndrome.

"Please~?"

"Aw, Matsui, don't do that...you know I can't resist tildes..."

":D~?"

"FINE, you can keep it."

"Yayyy!"

"Evenin', Snape. How can I help yeh?"

Without waiting for an invitation, Snape entered the half-giant's cabin. His nose immediately wrinkled at the putrid odor wafting toward him from the roaring fireplace. It smelled like a mixture of bellybutton lint and penguin breath.

Hagrid hastily shielded the boiling cauldron from view.

"Er, that's fer Fang... his dinner, yeh see..."

"Sure it is," Snape said snidely. "In any case, I'm not interested in your dog's food. What can you tell me about the Shinigami?"

"Shinigami? Ah, yeh must be talkin' 'bout the Death Gods!" Hagrid began rummaging through his cabinets and pulled out a few bowls. "What d'yeh wan' ter know? Haven' yeh read Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them?"

"I'm afraid it's lacking in the "where to find them" department."

"Why d'yeh need to find one?"

"Dumbledore's orders," replied Snape.

Hagrid scratched his bushy hair with his free hand. "Well, I'm afraid yeh're out o' luck, Snape. They're 'specially hard ter track down seein' they can think fer themselves, but I can tell yeh that the best place ter start would be the United States o' America. Tha's where most o' the Muggle criminals have bin dyin' out lately."

Snape nodded slowly. "That's right. The Mafia," he muttered.

He remembered reading it now in the Daily Prophet, a tiny column squished in right next to Rita Skeeter's biting editorial about Gilderoy Lockhart, Hunk or Junk?

MUGGLE GANGS DIMINISHING THANKS TO "KIRA", THE CORRUPT AND HYPOCRITAL PURIST MUGGLE VERSION OF YOU-KNOW-WHO!

"Los Angeles!" Hagrid suddenly bellowed, almost causing Snape to jump. "Yeh know what that means?"

Snape warily shook his head.

"Yeh're goin' ter HOLLYWOOD!"

"We're hooooome!" Matsuda sang, barreling into the room that served as the Task Force's L.A. headquarters with a sullen Aizawa trailing behind him.

Light looked up from the laptop he was pretending to work on.

"So, what did you find – what the... Aizawa, what happened to your hair?"

Aizawa shot Matsuda a glowering look.

"I had to get it cut when we landed," the newly afroless Aizawa fumed. "It became infested with Matsuda-germs after he grabbed my head and shoved it into the windshield."

"And... why did he do that?"

"We saw a flying car!" Matsuda yipped, flapping his arms like a bird.

"Car," piped up Mogi, who was hulking in a random corner doing paperwork. "Vroom vroom, not quack quack."

"Your mom's a quack," said Ide for the sake of having his first line as well.

"Hey! Sayu's seeing a quack!" Soichiro snapped, clearly offended.

"Excuse me? A flying car? Are you high?" Light demanded.

"We're not on crack," Matsuda assured him. "Nor are we drunk. But if we were, I'd be telling you how beautiful your velveteen caramel-tinted eyes are."

Light blushed and looked totally uke.

Aizawa cleared his throat. "It's true. Not the part about your eyes, but the flying car. A Ford Anglia. We saw it just as we were pulling into King's Cross Station."

Light tapped his chin. "Hmm. What an unexpected turn of events. A plot twist, if you will."

"Awesome!" Matsuda did a fist pump.

"I dislike plot twists," Light sighed irritably. "I also dislike continuity errors, such as having myself chained to L on Valentine's Day or Christmas. Baka..."

"So what month is it right now?" Mogi asked carefully.

"Septober, otherwise known as Octember," Light answered with absolute confidence and finality.

"Ah."

"Are we going to do anything about this?" Soichiro asked his son, the second L.

"At the moment, no. Our objective right now isn't to sit around discussing UFOs, but to locate Mello, retrieve the notebook, and stop Kira once and for all. Let's get back on track, shall we?"

BANG.

Snape gave his fingers an experimental flex, and then ran his hands over his body. Wandless Apparition was tricky and even riskier than normal Apparition, but it had been his only way to get to Los Angeles, where the wizard population was low and therefore had no reason to be connected to the Floo Network.

He quickly surveyed his surroundings. Luckily, he was alone. Snape had Apparated behind the Hollywood sign, the only place he could properly visualize (Destination! Determination! Deliberation!).

As Snape stood on the hill overlooking the rest of the Santa Monica Mountains, a soft breeze blew through his famously greasy hair. For a fleeting moment, Snape felt like a movie star, or better, a luscious shampoo model.

Snape tossed his head in slow motion, a sensual pout on his lips.

"Because I'm worth it," he whispered.

(Just kidding, that didn't actually happen. OOC Snape isn't quite as funny as realistic, in-character, deadpan Snape. Am I right? Amirite? AMIRITE?)

Anyway, just then, two unearthly things soared past him, floating aimlessly through the sky.

"Ryuk, I want my noteboooook..." the smaller one was whining while the other tried fruitlessly to ignore it.

By Merlin's saggy left nut, Snape had found the Shinigami.

A/N: Reviews would be a wonderful belated birthday gift, winkedy wink wink ;) They'll help me feel less gross about turning 20, which was marked by practically an entire week of non-stop partying/eating/working...ughhh...

...THE EFFING DEATHLY HALLOWS is really out TODAY! GOOD LORD, BLESS OUR TEARS OF BLISS AND GRIEF.