A/N: First off, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE SUPER LONG WAIT. I've been trying to get back to writing since New Year's, but I totally got sidetracked by BBC's Sherlock. If you haven't seen it, DO IT NOW LIKE RIGHT RIGHT NOW because it's the best thing since anything.

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

Chapter 8: Gothic Lolita

Aizawa threw himself at Matsuda, and they both tumbled to the floor. Snape swooped down on them at once.

"WAIT," Matsuda bellowed as Snape brandished his wand again. "We're policemen, hear us out –"

"Police or not, I don't make deals with Muggles," Snape sneered.

"But we have information," Matsuda squeaked, protectively clutching the sides of his head. "You'll still have to track down Light, right?"

"Matsuda, no!"

"Actually, that won't be a problem." Snape knelt down, yanked Matsuda's head back, and gazed intently into his eyes. The face of a pretty blonde girl instantly swam into view: Mrs. Yagami-to-be. Snape pushed harder, and was satisfied when he found the address of a Hilton hotel located just down the street.

"Thank you very much." Snape relinquished his hold on Matsuda.

"Y-You're welcome? So are you letting us go now?"

"No." Snape took aim. "Oblivi– ARGHH!"

Aizawa had tossed Matsuda's stuffed lion into his face. Snape furiously batted the toy away. "I HATE LIONS!" Snape screamed, trembling with rage. "REDUCTO!" Golden fluff and cotton bits sailed through the air.

"MAFUSA MY DARLING BBY!" Matsuda howled, embarking on a spiralling and totally non-clichéd descent into grief and madness. Without hesitation, Matsuda dove for the guns that Snape had Disarmed them of and began shooting blindly.

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM –

"Protego!"

Snape's Shield Charm expanded across the suite, safely dividing him and Aizawa from Matsuda. Bullets ricocheted around Matsuda's half of the room before getting lost in the ceiling.

"Finite!" The second the Shield Charm dissolved, Snape shouted, "Stupefy!"

A jet of red light struck Matsuda square in the chest. He collapsed, now motionless.

Snape then turned toward Aizawa. The Muggle shook his head in defeat.

"This is about the flying car, isn't it? Your people want to cover up the existence of magic," said Aizawa.

Snape nodded, impressed with Aizawa's insightfulness.

Aizawa suddenly looked hopeful. "Well, we already know about magic. We know about the Kira's Death Note, the Shinigami, and their realm, so there's really no point in wiping our memories! It's not like we're going to go blabbing to anyone – we're covering up the existence of magic ourselves!"

Hmm. Snape hesitated, and then lowered his wand. "I may need to consult with Dumbledore on this," he admitted.

Aizawa heaved a sigh of relief.

"Come with me," ordered Snape, "and wake your partner up. We will retrieve your boss, Light, and we'll discuss this with my superior."

"Thank you." Aizawa glanced at the ruined Lion King toy. "Do you mind? Because Matsuda can be a bit unstable sometimes..."

"Reparo," said Snape, generously fixing the lion (SO SYMBOLIC!11!1!1! AND IF YOU'RE NOT CLEVER ENOUGH TO GET IT JUST STOP READING THIS FIC RIGHT NOW, IN FACT JUST STOP READING AND FIND A SPACESHIP AND EXIT THE HARRY POTTER FANDOM IMMEDIATELY).

"Light!" Misa gushed, glomping her fiancé the moment he stepped into their shared suite.

Light wrinkled his nose in distaste. Misa was wearing a pink lace teddy, high leather boots, and enough chunky metal jewellery to make Hells Angels jealous. If they hadn't already been wiped out by Kira, of course.

"What on earth are you wearing?" Light snapped, shrugging off Misa's arms.

The former model sulked. "Misa was just remembering her good old Gothic Lolita days," she said, pouting.

"You mean back when you had blue eyes instead of brown? Back when teenyboppers called you a slut even though you were the furthest thing from sexually promiscuous and the most loyal partner anyone could ever hope for? Back when I killed Rem and considered offing you?"

Misa blinked. "Misa had blue eyes?"

Ryuk floated through the doorway. "You've got company, Light. I think Matsuda and Aizawa sold you out."

"What?" Light seethed. "Those spineless bastards!"

"What's going on?" Misa asked, confused.

"Some human with magical powers is after Light because he saw him use magic," Ryuk explained, not even bothering to hide his wide grin. "Hyuk, interesting, isn't it? He even has a wand and potions and everything!"

"You mean a wizard?" Misa shouted excitedly. "Do you think he can make Misa a permanent blonde? Misa is tired of touching up her roots all the time!"

Light gritted his teeth. "Misa, kindly shut up. God, your third-person self-referring voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I need to think."

"Misa loves it when you use metaphors," Misa cooed.

"That was a simile, you blubbering twit."

"Ehhh? Misa is not a twit!"

Light was going to bitchslap Misa when he remembered Misa liked rough kinky foreplay. A firm knock came at the door. He stiffened and gave Misa a shove.

"Go check who it is," Light whispered to Misa.

Misa bounded obediently to the door and peered through the peep hole.

"It's them! But who's the chick? Where's the wizard?" Misa squinted. "That's strange. Misa can't see her name, just a lifespan!"

Light spun toward Ryuk. "Why's that?"

"Beats me," the Shinigami said, grinning.

"Light, open up! It's us, there's something we need to talk about!"

Light clenched his fist. He was cornered. There was no way out of the hotel room, except...

Light froze. Another dreadful thought had suddenly occurred to him. What if the witch somehow ended up using her magical powers to expose Light as Kira? Beads of sweat prickled on Light's forehead. Everything he had built – it could all come undone this very day, even in the next five minutes, if he wasn't careful...

"Ryuk, get me out of here!" Light shouted, losing his head completely and pouncing onto the Shinigami's backside.

"Like hell I am," Ryuk growled, vanishing into thin air. Light dropped to the floor and curled into a fetal position. He couldn't let his memories get wiped, he couldn't!

One thing was certain. Light sat up. He now had another enemy to eliminate. He took a deep breath and straightened his tie.

Bring it on.

Snape was waiting for Light to answer the door when he began to feel strange, as though he was suddenly too large for his skin. He ran his fingers through Lily's famous red locks. They were starting to shrivel up and darken.

"Don't be alarmed," Snape warned the two Japanese cops next to him. "I'm about to return to my original state, as I explained on our way here."

Pop! Pop! Creeeeeak! Snape's limbs groaned as they lengthened. He quickly Transfigured his maid's outfit back into wizarding robes. Matsuda's eyes bulged.

"YOU! YOU'RE THE GUY FROM LONDON," Matsuda whisper-shouted.

"No shit, Sherlock," Aizawa snarled.

Matsuda looked contrite.

Snape touched his face. Oily skin, hook nose, thin lips. Yes, he was back.

"Ew…I much prefer the disguise," Matsuda commented.

"Matsuda…!"

Snape smiled thinly. "No worries. So do I."

The door swung open to reveal a petite woman adorned with chains. Ah, so this was Misa Amane. Her brown eyes widened with shock when she took in the sight of the now-transformed wizard. She closed the door, and then opened it again.

"No way! You were a girl just ten seconds ago! Matsui, what's going on?"

Matsuda goggled at Misa's racy get-up and blushed furiously. "We n-need to speak to Light-kun," he stammered. "Can we come in?"

Just then, the devil himself appeared. "Sure, come on in," the young Japanese man said, smooth as Butterbeer. Snape fought to remain expressionless. Just like the first time, he was receiving some strange vibes from this Light Yagami. His gut instinct told him that this was a person not to be trusted. But then again, he was a Muggle. Muggles couldn't be trusted, period.

Snape cast a sideways glance at Matsuda. Especially not deceivingly harmless ones.

Five minutes later, Snape, Aizawa, Matsuda, Light, and Misa were all sitting around the coffee table, eyeing each other suspiciously. Misa had set out some iced tea, which Snape had to discreetly sniff to ensure it wasn't poisoned.

"Alright," Light finally said, "let me get this straight. You want to bring us to Hogwarts to be evaluated by your boss, an all-powerful wizard who oversees a school of a thousand young witches and wizards, and see whether or not we need to have our memories wiped for the sake of your world's International Statue of Wizarding Secrecy?"

"Well, he's not all-powerful," said Snape, "but you are correct."

"Can he make me a permanent blonde?" Misa wondered.

"Misa, every time you open your mouth, a baby unicorn dies," Light snarled.

Misa looked confused. "But unicorns don't exist?"

Snape's lip curled before he could stop himself. Light raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I wouldn't say that." Light suddenly looked more animated. He was practically glowing with glee.

Damn it to hell. How was it that Severus Snape had been able to deceive the worst Dark wizard of all time? He had to more careful around this Muggle. He was too observant, and observant people were particularly dangerous…

Somewhere behind him, Snape heard the unmistakable rustle of wings and an accompanying cackle of laughter. He stiffened.

Ryuk! In all the excitement, Snape had assumed the Shinigami went back to Hollywood Boulevard. So what was Ryuk doing here in Light and Misa's hotel room? According to Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them, weren't Shinigami supposed to stay at the side of whomever had possession of their Death N –

Oh.

Merlin's beard, Severus Snape was having tea with Kira.