A/N: To paili-chan, who asked me why Matsuda's gunshots didn't wake up the Obliviated Task Force members. The main answer is that they were knocked unconscious when they fell, so no amount of noise can rouse them. The secondary answer is that this is a crackfic and I, the author, needed a convenient way to get rid of irrelevant characters :P

However, a better question would've been: "Why were the hotel staff not alerted to the commotion?" and my answer to that would've been that they were all having a gigantic orgy in the hotel laundry chute.

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing!

Through Hogsmeade and Into Hogwarts

"How, may I ask, are we getting to this Hogwarts?" Aizawa inquired of the wizard.

"We're App – teleporting," Snape replied. "Now, pair up and don't let go."

With that, Snape's fingers closed around Light's wrist and Matsuda's bicep – they were the two wild cards of the group, Kira and the village idiot. Misa immediately clung onto Light's other hand before someone else could claim it and Aizawa looped his arm through Matsuda's.

"Is it going to hurt?" Matsuda asked anxiously.

"Depends on your," Snape paused with relish, "threshold of pain."

All except Snape yelled in shock as the hotel room instantly dissipated into a vortex of all-consuming darkness. They spun and spun until their bellybuttons tingled, signalling their landing.

Thud. They had landed on a soft patch of grass.

"Welcome," Snape said with a hint of pride, "to Hogsmeade."

Matsuda, who was closing his eyes the entire time, finally opened them. His jaw and inhibitions dropped when he saw Misa.

Everyone followed his gaze: Misa's pink lace teddy had ridden up during the Apparition, and her boobs were bouncing around like a pair of Peeves' water balloons.

"PERVERTS!" Misa shrieked, tugging it down. "Only Light is allowed to look."

"Not that I ever do," Light mumbled, eyeing the delicious bulge that had appeared in Matsuda's pants.

Aizawa groaned and rubbed his temples. "I've got the world's WORST migraine."

"Follow me," Snape said curtly, striding down the pebbled street.

The four Muggles trailed behind dutifully, albeit slowly. There were several delighted and astonished gasps along the way; they passed The Three Broomsticks, where the heady smell of mead wafted out the door, as well as Honeydukes – which, according to the signs, was having a back-to-school sale on Sugar Quills.

Light was silent, but his face was twisted into an intense expression of fascination and greed as he drank in the sight of the wizarding village. Several villagers were roaming around in their lengthy robes, gossiping loudly.

"Did you hear what happened up at the school last night? Some students flew a Muggle car right into the Whomping Willow! It's in the Daily Prophet!"

"A Muggle car? Blimey! I hope those gits got expelled."

Snape sighed. If only that had been the case.

"No no, you've got it all wrong, I heard that it was that Armando Dippet who did it. They even confiscated his broomstick!"

"The poor thing's in slings right now, Professor Sprout had to…"

Zonko's Joke Shop was looming ahead. Uh-oh. Snape had half a mind to take a detour when Matsuda quickly darted forward.

"Excellent!" Matsuda shouted. "I'm running low on fake banana peels."

"Hey, come back here!"

Aizawa made a swipe for Matsuda, but the doofus detective deftly dodged (I deserve ALL the alliteration awards, AMIRITE?) his outstretched arm and disappeared into Zonko's, whispering to himself, "Because… yolo."

The shop looked much smaller on the outside. The interior was filled with shelves of colourful boxes and bizarre toys and innumerable things that no Muggle could dream up of or be bothered to write a better description of due to extreme laziness.

Matsuda craned his neck to look for the shopkeeper, hoping to get some kind of tour, but the portly wizard was currently occupied with a group of teenagers at the back of the store. Matsuda shrugged and rubbed his hands gleefully.

"Oh wow!" Matsuda said in awe, inspecting a bottle of Vanishing Ink. He read the price tag. "A Sickle per bottle?" The overexcited man whirled around and started pawing through a bin of Dungbombs, and then eagerly moved onto the crates of Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks. "Oh wow, oh wow!"

"See something you like?" Snape appeared at his elbow, looking incredibly displeased.

Matsuda just about fainted with happiness. "Yes," Matsuda said breathlessly, obviously unable to discern the smouldering rage in Snape's eyes. "Are you offering to buy? With what I presume to be wizarding currency?"

"NO," Snape snapped, dragging Matsuda out of the shop by his ear.

Matsuda was about to protest that he was still holding onto unpaid merchandise when they crossed the threshold without setting off any alarms. Matsuda's heart dropped. He was officially a shoplifter! A criminal! Kira was going to find out and strike him down!

But on second thought…

Matsuda shoved the Vanishing Ink and Dungbombs into his pockets. He might as well be reimbursed for his grief at being teleported halfway around the world. And who knows? Perhaps they would come in handy someday.

(Was that foreshadowing, or am I bluffing? MWAHAHA.)

Dumbledore was having a private gossip fest with the Sorting Hat – even the wisest men need confidantes – when there was a sharp rapping at the door. He didn't hear it, though.

"And then Gilderoy was like, "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," and Pomona was like, "Sod that shit, my curvy hips bring ALL the boys to the yard," and everyone was like, "DAYUMM GUURRRLLL!" and I thus choked on my eggs and sausages," Dumbledore thought cheerfully into the Hat.

"Ah, Gilderoy Lockhart," mused the Hat. "You should've heard half the things that were going on in the first year girls' heads last night."

"Naughty, naughty," Dumbledore chided the Hat. "You're not supposed to snoop!"

"It wasn't my fault, Dumbledore. More than half of them begged me to put them in Ravenclaw just because Lockhart was one himself. It was absolutely tedious." The Hat adopted a breathy, giggly voice. "Oh, Hat, I'm witty and clever and eccentric. I like poetry but I don't like free verse because it's pretentious and boring. I'm very unique, so nobody understands me. I don't really belong anywhere but I know deep down in my heart that I belong in Ravenclaw, and no Sorting can change that. And oh by the way, it has nothing to do with me wanting to get into Gilderoy Lockhart's velvet trousers!"

Dumbledore and the Sorting Hat shared a hearty laugh.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

"Seems like we have a visitor...or several," Dumbledore remarked, removing the Sorting Hat from his head and gently placing it on his desk. "Come in, Severus!"

The oaken double doors swung open, and Severus Snape and a group of Muggles entered his office. Dumbledore could tell by the blonde woman's disheveled hair and all four of their sickly complexions that they had just recently experienced Side-Along Apparition.

"Albus..." Snape began.

There was a sudden outburst of chatter from the Headmaster portraits, like excited monkeys in a rainforest.

"Muggles, in Hogwarts? In this very office? OUTRAGEOUS!" Phineas Black squealed angrily.

"Clearly there is a reasonable explanation," Dexter Fortescue retorted, peering down curiously at the visitors. "Travellers from a distant land, fancy that!"

"Ooh, look at you with your politically correct way of saying ASIAN INVASION, Fortescue!"

Dumbledore quickly cast a Freezing Charm on Black's portrait, which restrained the painted figure from running off to spread the word to the rest of the castle. The other Headmasters immediately quieted down, and resumed their pretenses of sleeping.

"Did any of the students see you?"

"No," Snape answered briskly. "They're all in their classes, but as an extra precaution, I used a Disillusionment Charm on them on the way in."

"So, what exactly is this, Severus? Bring a Muggle to Work Day?" Dumbledore asked calmly. However, he turned to the Muggles, who were fidgeting nervously and openly gaping at the wondrous sights around them, and smiled broadly. "Welcome! Unfortunately, you've just missed breakfast. But I can boil some tea, if you'd like."

A/N: For the record, I'm not actually a fan of the "yolo" movement because everywhere I look, people are doing it wrong.

If anyone's interested in what else I do in my spare time, look for my tumblr link on my profile. ESPECIALLY if you're into erratic fangirling, occasional musings, personal rants, and just plain old STUFF.

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful Easter!