And at once I knew I was not magnificent.
—"Holocene" by Bon Iver
A/N:
While I realize that this installment is short, this chapter is very dark. Please keep that in mind as you read on.
Blood everywhere.
Zuko sees Azula pointing to the guard to his right. "Drag her away. Take her down to the morgue."
Fury burns over every inch of Zuko's skin and he bolts forward, enraged eyes fixated onto his sister. She smirks at him. The remaining three guards fall on top of him, something is slammed into the back of his head and everything goes dark.
Zuko's bedroom door is locked. He's banged on it, kicked on it, slammed his whole body into it; he can already feel his sides bruising with his efforts. Eventually someone shouts from outside for him to quiet down and Zuko cannot think. His thoughts are too clouded and he cannot feel the tips of his fingers. They are numb.
Outside his balcony there are at least ten guards stationed in the garden, should he try to climb out of his bedroom that way. Zuko hisses through his teeth, a small, hot flame flicking out of his mouth. He can feel and taste and smell the smoke building up inside of his body, waiting to feel release.
Zuko can practically hear his Uncle's voice echoing inside of his own head. Now is not the time to lose control of your inner being. You should close your eyes and calm yourself, or you will destroy everything around you.
Maybe Zuko should've listened to Uncle more when he was a child. Maybe he should have left with Uncle when the Dragon of the West abandoned his position as Prince Iroh and went to the Earth Kingdom. He could've left the throne and his birth right to his sister. She'd always wanted it, always lusted after it.
But then…but then he wouldn't have met Katara. And maybe it would've been better that way. Maybe she wouldn't be bleeding to death right now if she'd never met him.
"She's not dead," Zuko whispers out loud to himself. "I just have to find her."
He just has to find her.
His bedroom door swings open and in struts his sister, so full of youth and arrogance. Why hadn't he watched over Katara more? Why had he let the princess standing in front of him get her hands on his waterbender?
Why?
Zuko stills, eyes narrowing, as if he is a predator that has finally caught sight of his prey.
Azula's smirk fades. It is replaced by a smile, a gentle smile. A sisterly smile. "Honestly, Zuzu, you'll thank me for this one day."
He simply stares.
"Don't look at me like that. You were going to let some waterbending rat and her potential offspring run around with royalty. Pets are pets Zuko. They're to remain pets."
He is shaking. "You didn't have to do what you did. She—Katara was leaving anyway. She was leaving anyway."
Azula crosses her arms and quirks an eyebrow. "And you wouldn't have followed? Zuzu, you're too possessive. I did what I had to do in order to keep this family from completely falling apart."
"You're insane."
"No!" she barks, stepping forward, getting so close that she has to look up in order to keep eye contact with her brother. "I'm the only one who cares! You don't! You let the Project and everything that it stood for fall to the wayside so that you could run about with a volunteer! I'm the one who left and took down some of our enemies who were still wandering the streets! I'm the reason why our citizens still respect us! I'm the one who is protecting us. Not you, never you."
And then she laughs. It is a high, painful sound.
"Not that that didn't stop you from always being the favorite. Mother worshipped you—"
"Mother is—"
"She thought that I was a freak. And father…You kill one measly Admiral and suddenly he's falling at your feet like you're some god. Giving you control over the Project when you'd never cared about it, turning a blind eye away from your relationship with that…He didn't even want me to kill her!"
Zuko freezes, all the tension in his body making him feel as if he is going to explode. "What."
Azula's golden eyes move about the room frantically, but there is malice still embedded in her gaze. Malice and hatred and greed.
"He just wanted me to get rid of her. He said that we'd find another waterbender, one who wasn't such a nuisance. So he told me to take care of her. Which I did. Quite adequately."
Zuko's body feels cold and feverish at the same time.
"But do you know what the worst part is, brother? The worst part is that you took some plucky, ugly little waterbender out of the program with every intention of turning her into your own skewed version of a princess. The nobility would've been scandalized, of course, but think of how the lowly citizens would have reacted? Some would've found it romantic. You would be hailed as strong and merciful, to take pity on something like a waterbender. And where would that leave me? Nowhere with nothing."
Zuko has never seen his sister look so determined. " I'm not nothing," she says, voice low.
Zuko's sister slides a step back, suddenly calm and collected, as if they are discussing the weather or tea or servants.
"You should be thanking me for all I've done for you." Azula sniffs haughtily. "But you never will. You're such an ungrateful bastard, Zuzu. Not that I don't love you anyway."
Zuko spits and it lands on her cheek.
Azula wipes it off with the flick of one finger, lips curling up as if she's gazing at something unpleasant. "She gasped, Prince Zuko. She gasped like a fish out of water."
And then Azula turns her back on her brother.
Zuko springs, decision made a long time ago. He wraps his large hands around his sister's long, pale neck and snaps her head to the side. He can feel the bones breaking underneath his fingers.
Azula falls to the ground, limp and quiet. She is unconscious and Zuko watches as she struggles to breathe.
"Gasping like a fish," he repeats.
Hatred and love reside in the same emotional spectrum. Sometimes one can be confused for the other.
Zuko wonders if he ever loved his younger sister. He's starting to think that perhaps he's always hated her.
It has been minutes. Hours, perhaps. And yet the guards standing outside of his door don't knock and question what is taking the Fire Princess so long. Zuko takes this as a benefit.
He slides her body to the corner of his room so that he won't have to look at it. Azula's skin is cold underneath his touch.
And so he thinks about everything and nothing. Sometimes he feels numb, as if nothing can penetrate him in the fortress that he has created for himself. Sometimes he feels as if he can comprehend everything at once. Perhaps that's why he should shut down.
He holds up two fingers. "Two people," he whispers to himself. "I've killed two people." He wonders if it will stay at this number.
Probably not.
He does not bow his head and pray to Agni. The god that Zuko is supposed to worship does not strike him as a forgiving one.
Eventually he picks his sister's body up and places it atop his bed.
And then he sets his bed on fire.
There is a commotion outside his door. Thick, black smoke is billowing everywhere and Zuko stands in the middle of his room, staring into nothing and completely unaffected.
He hears shouts of pain and then suddenly his door is shoved open. Uncle Iroh is standing in his door way, a horrified look on his face.
"Prince Zuko, what have you done?"
And Zuko almost laughs, because if Uncle had only arrived hours earlier, then perhaps Katara would still be alive. Katara.
Katara.
Zuko stumbles forward and Iroh catches him and Zuko can't help but feel like a child again, disappointed that his mother had abandoned himself and his sister.
His sobs.
No, he weeps.
Iroh is stroking his hair like he used to do when he was still around. "What have you done, boy?"
Zuko can barely get the words out. "She killed her." He repeats this again, several times, and Iroh briefly glances toward the bed.
He wonders how many people already know, or if it's just them. Certainly Ozai is sending soldiers to find him, to throw him in prison for high treason and the murder of a royal family member?
It is now that Zuko notices the scent of burning flesh permeating the air.
"She deserved it," Zuko finally says, swallowing. His throat is dry.
Iroh looks sad. Unbelievably, incomprehensibly sad. "My nephew, one day you will regret this. And that day will not be tomorrow. It will not be next month. It will not be next year. But there will come a day where you will regret what you've just done."
But Zuko knows in his heart of hearts that his Uncle is wrong.
"They will be looking for you. We must be quick."
Zuko wants to ask Iroh why he's doing this, why he's leading him away, why he's helping him. The question is on the tip of his tongue, but yet he cannot ask it. He's afraid that if he does, Uncle will stop doing what he is doing.
Zuko finds that he really doesn't want to be alone right now.
They're taking a shortcut through the corridors typically used by servants. They travel down the staircases, some passages barely lit by sconces on the walls. Zuko follows his Uncle without wondering where they're going.
And then Iroh is ushering him through another door. That is when Zuko finds himself in the palace morgue. It's reserved for servants, palace sages, and…and volunteers.
"Hurry up, Prince Zuko!" Uncle is already on the other side of the room, waving for Zuko to catch up.
Instead, Zuko turns and begins ripping white sheets off of the bodies. Most of the faces that he reveals are old and wrinkled, taken by age. Few others are young, taken by disease or murder. All have dead, lifeless eyes. None of these eyes are blue.
Zuko sways on his feet. He can't breathe; for a moment all he can do is think about the fact that Katara isn't here.
"She's not here."
Uncle already has his hands on his shoulders, steadying him. "Nephew—"
"She's not here." Zuko rips himself away from his Uncle's grasp, eyes wide with panic. With hope. "Katara's not here. I have—I have to find her and I have to find her now!"
Uncle is pulling on his sleeve. "Prince Zuko—"
"I have to find her! I have to find her—Katara—I have to make sure she's okay. She can't die on me, Uncle. She can't." Zuko's eyes feel hot. Everything feels hot and all he knows is pain.
Uncle's voice is much too soft. "Zuko, the waterbender wouldn't have survived that. She would've bled out."
"No." Something wet trickles down Zuko's cheek. "No. It's not fair. It's not fair." He sinks to his knees, knowing that he has to move, knowing that he's probably being searched for. Knowing that if Uncle is caught trying to help him escape…
He is breaking.
And then he is being engulfed in Uncle's embrace. "Loss scars us all deeply, my nephew. I'm afraid that even time will not heal your wounds, but you will learn to press on. Everything passes."
He is broken.
The steady rise and fall of the ocean has stopped affecting Zuko. He sits in his cabin, dressed in commoner's clothes, with nothing but gray walls to stare at.
Uncle enters his cabin with a bowl of rice. "Hungry?"
Zuko turns his face away, lips pressed together.
Iroh sighs. "You must eat, nephew. You haven't done so in two days."
Zuko remains silent.
Iroh clears his throat before holding out the rice once more. "If you eat, I will tell you where I am taking you."
Zuko rolls his eyes, mentally weighing the pros and cons of being stubborn. Finally he reaches out and takes the bowl from the older man, ignoring the relief crossing over his Uncle's face.
Iroh waits until Zuko takes a bite before he speaks. "The world is no longer in balance, Prince Zuko. It has not been for quite some time. Your father, my brother, is leading this world into destruction. The Spirits are angry with him. He must be stopped."
Zuko swallows his rice before shaking his head. "My father…"
But the words die on his lips. Ozai is responsible for Katara's… For Katara's…
Zuko cannot think it.
"Someone else must rule in his place," Iroh continues. "It is not too late for you, Zuko."
"Uncle, I murdered my sister. I'm pretty sure the Fire Nation doesn't want me anywhere near the throne."
Iroh sighs. "The world is not so black and white."
Zuko sets his barely eaten bowl of rice off to the side. "You still haven't answered my question. Where are you taking me?"
Iroh's expression goes serious, but his golden eyes light up. "My nephew, have you ever heard of the White Lotus?"
A/N:
Only the epilogue is left, and I have to admit I'm super excited about it. I hope you are too! It should be up super soon.
Just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter and left me your thoughts, even if they weren't happy thoughts. I know this chapter wasn't too happy either, eep. But I just wanted to let you guys know that I love you all, even if you don't review. Thank you for reading my work, as flawed as it can be. I have the best readers in the whole wide world. :)
Let me know what you think if you feel so inclined. :D