A/N: According to the Harry Potter Wiki, the Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets movie is a female. Males are distinguished by red plumes on their heads.

Disclaimer: This is just a fan fic!

Chapter 12: Something in the Pipes

Tom/Light's body suddenly gave a violent jerk and flew out the nearest window. Glass fragments exploded everywhere. One lodged itself in Ryuk's eye before he had the chance to unsolidify himself.

"My eye," Ryuk screamed, falling down the gaping hole in the bathroom floor.

That was how the Shinigami ended up in the Chamber of Secrets. Of course, Ryuk didn't know that at the time; he merely thought he had fallen into some nasty underground sewage tunnel and had decided to explore a bit more. To his surprise, there was a corridor that led to a metal door engraved with snakes.

Ryuk floated right through the door. "The perks of being a Shinigami," Ryuk said, grinning.

He continued to explore. The room was immense. Statues of snake heads lined the stone pathway like soldiers at attention. At the end of the chamber was a giant statue of a wizard, his long, thin beard flowing down and out onto the floor. He looked very much like a malicious ape with a unibrow.

Ryuk stared at the ugly-ass monument. There was something stirring inside of it. Something alive, large, and scaly, from the sounds of it.

"The Heir of Slytherin?" hissed a sultry, female voice from within the wizard statue.

Ryuk's auto-translating brain kicked into high gear, recognizing the language as Parseltongue. A snake? But what kind of snake would be that large? Ryuk's feathers stood on end.

"No. Shinigami," Ryuk replied nervously in Parseltongue.

There was a pause. "A God of Death? Really?"

"Yup. The name's Ryuk."

"Where's the Heir of Slytherin?"

"Ehh, who's that?"

There was an agitated rattling of scales. "The descendent of Salazar Slytherin who's supposed to enter my lair and set me free to purge the school of Muggle-born students, as Salazar Slytherin so dearly wished!" the mysteriously large snake declared.

A descendent? Eww, someone had MATED with Salazar Slytherin? They must have done it with the lights off. Ryuk gulped. "Sorry, I don't know who or where this heir is."

"Well, why are you here?" the snake inside Salazar Slytherin's statue snapped. (More alliteration, ftw.)

Ryuk blushed. "I fell in."

"Only Slytherin's heir can access the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets! How were you able to FALL in?"

Ryuk frowned thoughtfully, recalling how Light had hissed weirdly at the bathroom sink tap before flying out the window. He had been speaking in Parseltongue! Was Light Yagami...?

Completely forgetting that Light was a) no wizard, and b) was one-hundred percent Japanese, Ryuk yelped, "Oh my Kira!" He was prepared to fly off to find his human charge when the snake spoke again.

"Wait, don't go!"

Ryuk froze mid-air. "What?"

"I'm so lonely, Ryuk," the snake said sweetly. "Won't you stay a bit longer? We can have some fun."

Ryuk was kind of flattered. First, Moaning Myrtle, and now, this? "Sorry, you're not my type."

"And what is your type?"

"Um, not snakes?"

"Oh, but I'm no ordinary snake," the creature said seductively. "I'm a Basilisk. I'm HUGE..."

WHOMP!

Light Yagami crashed onto the Quidditch pitch, rolling to an undignified stop at Snape's feet.

"Ha!" Matsuda shouted, jumping on the younger man and handcuffing him. "You thought you could escape from us, Kira? Well, you thought wr –"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A jet of green light immediately blasted from Light's cuffed hands.

"He has a wand!" Matsuda exclaimed, dodging the spell.

Aizawa lunged for the wand. Light, who didn't have time to utter another curse, merely used it to stab Aizawa in the eye.

"OUCH!" Aizawa bellowed.

"Alohomora!" Light's handcuffs clicked open and he tossed them aside.

Snape was horrified. Light Yagami was a Muggle! How had he gotten hold of the Killing Curse, and more importantly, how was the hell was he able to wield a wand? Without further delay, Snape brandished his own wand and pointed it at Light.

"STUPEFY!"

Light merely gave a flick of his wand, deflecting the Stunning Spell. He smirked at Snape, eyeing the high-quality teachers' robes he sported.

"You must be a Head of House," Light said silkily. "Which one? Please don't say Gryffindor."

Snape stayed silent. What was going on? How could Light duel so well? How did he know about the Houses?

"TELL ME!" Light screamed.

"Slytherin," Snape forced out.

"And why exactly are you consorting with these Mudbloods?"

Snape's brows furrowed. "Why do you care?" he said slowly.

"Because..." Light's eyes suddenly grew dull, and to everyone's shock, he collapsed to the ground.

"...I," continued a soft voice where Light had just been standing, "am the heir of Slytherin."

Snape, Matsuda, and Aizawa all watched in astonishment as a ghostly, handsome figure shimmered into view and bent down to retrieve Light's stolen wand. The boy had black, wavy hair and startlingly pale skin. He donned old-fashioned Hogwarts robes.

"My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle," the ghostly figure asserted, twirling the wand with his fingers. "I possessed this man and fed upon his soul long enough to regain enough form to wield magic on my own. Watch!"

Red and orange sparks flew into the air, arranging into three words – Tom Marvolo Riddle. Riddle waved the wand once more and the letters shifted around to spell:

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT.

"Geez, how long did it take you to come up with that?" Aizawa remarked.

"No," Snape uttered. "Impossible. The Dark Lord is long gone, and way beyond your years."

Riddle's eyes flashed. "Silence. Lord Voldemort is my past, present, and future! I am the master of death! You shall obey me or suffer!"

Something told Snape that Riddle was telling the truth, which meant that they were all in almost twice as much danger as they had been in with Light. "But I've already obeyed you AND suffered," he said, thinking fast. "Look!" With that, Snape shoved his left sleeve up past his elbow, revealing the vivid red brand of the Dark Mark.

"And what is that supposed to be?" Riddle asked, unimpressed. "It looks a skull performing lewd acts upon a serpent."

"It's your mark, my Lord," Snape replied, bowing deeply. "You designed it yourself. All of your followers, us Death Eaters, bear it."

Riddle stared, now intrigued. "Interesting. I'm actually in the middle of some designs, but a skull is sufficiently hardcore, I must admit –"

"Traitor!" Aizawa cried.

Snape shot a pair of Stunning Spells at Aizawa and Matsuda, who dropped like stones. Putting them out of action was the only way to keep them safe.

"So," Riddle said casually, "I hear that Albus Dumbledore still works here at Hogwarts."

Snape had no choice. He knew that the Dark Lord had looked into Light Yagami's mind. "He's Headmaster. He's up in his office right now."

Riddle's lips curved up. "A long way to fall, then. We shall pay him a visit."

"But what about these Muggles, my Lord?" Snape asked, gesturing to the three unconscious Task Force members. He couldn't leave them alone, especially not Kira. "Shall we bring them along, for leverage?"

Riddle nodded. "Mobilicorpus! But first, I must pay a visit to another friend of mine."

Hermione Granger sharply glanced up from her Potions essay.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Ron said lazily from his plush red armchair where he was counting the number of freckles on his face. He was rather fond of them. He couldn't imagine a world where he had no freckles. It would be as ridiculous as Harry having blue eyes instead of green, and Hermione having sexy beach waves instead of wild bushy curls.

"Can't you feel it? The castle's shaking," Hermione said, staring at the floor.

"I feel it too," Harry agreed, alarmed.

"Earthquake?" Ron suggested.

Hermione opened her mouth, presumably to launch into an explanation of how the four founders of Hogwarts had taken natural disasters into precaution and enchanted the castle's foundations, when Harry clamped his hands to his ears, turning redder than the Hogwarts Express.

"It's not the ground, it's the plumbing inside the walls," Harry said, grimacing.

"But why are you blushing?" Hermione pointed out.

"A-Am I? No, it's just h-hot in here," Harry stuttered, trying very hard but failing to block out the moans and groans of "OH, RYUK!" and "OHHH, MISS BASILISK, YOU WEREN'T LYING WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE HUGE!" that emanated from the walls.

A/N: LULZ, Shinigami and Basilisk sex. Yes, I went there.