A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! I'm so sorry for the very late update. I've been incredibly busy with school, and I just finished a short Inception fan fic (it doubled as an extra credit assignment), if anyone's interested :)

Disclaimer: I don't own either work.

Chapter 13: Snakes and Chickens

When Snape and Tom Riddle arrived at Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, they both skidded to a stop. Ginny Weasley's unconscious body was still sprawled across the floor, but that wasn't their main concern. Noxious-looking greenish purple fumes were pouring out of a gaping hole where the sinks were supposed to be. Snape's very large and thus very sensitive nose twitched. He was normally good at identifying smells, but this stench was foreign to him...

"Something reeks of copulation," Riddle said disdainfully. He peered down the hole. "My friend appears to have made another friend."

"Your friend?" Snape muttered, his mind whirling as he connected the dots. Tom Riddle had been the one to accuse Rubeus Hagrid of opening the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago. Clearly, Hagrid had not been guilty as charged. Riddle, or Voldemort, had admitted to being the true Heir of Slytherin just moments ago, so this hole in the bathroom was no doubt the entrance to Slytherin's hidden lair, where Slytherin's monster was hidden. "You don't mean Slytherin's monster, do you?"

Riddle smirked. "I do."

He needed to warn Dumbledore. But how?

"Ah. I am impressed, my Lord." Snape frowned. "What is it? And who is the other?"

As if in response to Snape's question, a strange rumbling sound filled the air. The entire bathroom shook, causing the stalls and their toilets to rattle and splash their contents wildly. Finally, to both Snape and Riddle's astonishment, Ryuk emerged from the massive hole in the floor, his lilac skin tinted pink and his spiky hair mussed and ruffled.

"I just had seeex, and it feeelt so good –"

A horrible wail interrupted the Shinigami's post-coitus bliss.

"Ryuk, how dare you!" Moaning Myrtle shrieked, aquamarine with jealousy. "I welcomed you to my toilet, and this is how you repay me?"

Riddle was enthralled by the Shinigami's sudden appearance. "You're the Shinigami from the Muggle's memories," Riddle breathed, turning his back on Snape to gaze at the Japanese death god. "You have mated with the Basilisk?"

Ryuk scratched his head. "Who are you?"

Snape took this opportunity to summon a Patronus. "Expecto Patronum – Tom Riddle is with me in Myrtle's bathroom, and he's just mentioned a Basilisk," Snape hissed, brandishing the glowing doe out the bathroom's broken window. Fortunately, the Patronus was able to blend in with the sunlight. However, Snape's dramatic arm motions did not go unnoticed.

"What are you doing?" Riddle asked suspiciously.

"There was a fly, my Lord," Snape improvised. "I guess you could say it was..." Snape whipped out a pair of sunglasses from within his robes and put them on. "...bugging me."

Just kidding, that last part didn't happen.

"I see," said Riddle, returning his attention to Ryuk, who was trying to block Myrtle from entering the Chamber, with which the Shinigami had little luck seeing as she was a ghost.

"I want to see who you – EEEK!"

Moaning Myrtle froze in mid-air, the edges of her luminescent body turning black and sizzling like the potions of Snape's most incompetent students.

Snape instantly threw an arm over his eyes. Even Riddle had to take a step back, furiously making spitting noises with his mouth.

Ryuk purred gratefully at the creature waiting just a few feet from the entrance of the Chamber.

"Now, I'll ask again. Who are you?" the Shinigami demanded. Ryuk glanced behind them, where the three unconscious Task Force members – Light, Matsuda, and Aizawa – were tied together with ropes and floating like a trio of balloons. "And why do you have my human tied up?"

"I am the Heir of Slytherin," Riddle said coldly. "And I used your silly Muggle to regain a solid form. Needless to say, he didn't put up much of a fight."

Ryuk let out a gasp of surprise. "Light's lifespan. It's gone down..."

"So?"

"His life was mine, and only mine, to take..."

Snape chanced a peek. His heart did a funny little leap.

The Shinigami's face had contorted into a giant mask of shadows, his yellow fangs gleaming. He looked like the epitome of all scary clowns.

"...so you'll pay, Tom Riddle."

Dumbledore was reading a magazine article – "Braided Beards: The Season's Hottest Trend?" – when Snape's doe erupted through his window and landed on his desk.

"Tom Riddle is with me in Myrtle's bathroom," said Snape's Patronus, "and he's just mentioned a Basilisk."

Dumbledore jumped to his feet. His mind deduced the situation as quick as lightning and he called Fawkes to his arm. He also grabbed the Sorting Hat from his shelf, because the delicate silver instruments were emitting hat-shaped smoke clouds, and they were never wrong.

"Expecto Patronum – Hagrid, I will be borrowing your roosters for the next while. Do not panic. I will return them as soon as possible."

Dumbledore's phoenix Patronus swooped across the room and vanished through the castle wall. Dumbledore masterfully Transfigured one of his glass windows into a massive spider-web, then uttered, "Accio Hagrid's roosters!"

A large flock of chickens came whizzing through the air, soaring over Hagrid's suspiciously large pumpkin patch and straight into the sticky spider-web hanging in Dumbledore's window. "Nice and neat," Dumbledore said with satisfaction as he floated the webbed net of squawking birds behind him.

From his perch on Dumbledore's arm, Fawkes gave his companion a chirp of disapproval. What would the environmental vegans and animal activists say?

"Oh pipe down," said Dumbledore. "At least I'm not charming goats and doing questionable things with them."

A/N: Yet another new development – Ryuk versus Riddle, and other showdowns, coming right up. As always, reviews are much appreciated.

Also, the "braided beards" thing was an affectionate nod to The Hobbit, which I saw just last weekend. It should be illegal for dwarves to be that attractive...