A/N: Happy New Year! I've watched The Hobbit twice now. I'm going to miss well-earned holidays.

Disclaimer: This is just a fan fic.

Chapter 14: How to Kill a Snake

After coming up with some excuse about Quidditch practice, Harry left his friends to investigate the source of the noises he had been hearing. He was running in the corridor under his Invisibility Cloak, ears pressed against the stone wall, when he collided with Professor Dumbledore. There was a sudden explosion of red-gold and brown feathers and extremely loud screeching.

"Oh, sorry Professor!" Harry gasped, throwing off the Cloak. He jumped up and helped the Headmaster to his feet.

"No need to apologize, Harry, I was in a rush too." Dumbledore brushed himself off then called the large flame-coloured bird, which had flown away to safety, back to his arm.

Harry stared in awe. "Is that a phoenix?"

"His name is Fawkes," Dumbledore said, smiling.

"And...are those chickens?" Harry pointed at the wrapped bundle of chickens floating behind Dumbledore and Fawkes. "Are we having a feast?"

"Oh, no, a Basilisk is on the loose and I'm off to take care of it," Dumbledore said brightly before giving Harry a stern look. "Don't follow me if you know what's good for you."

"A Basilisk!" Harry recalled the name being shouted from within the castle walls: Miss Basilisk. "Professor, with all due respect, I am coming with you, because if you truly didn't want me to follow, you wouldn't have told me what you were doing, and you definitely wouldn't have told me not to follow, which would pique any adventurous twelve-year-old's interest. Therefore you actually do want me to follow you."

"What! I would never manipulate you like that," exclaimed Dumbledore.

So Harry ended up following Dumbledore to the girl's bathroom on the second floor. To his amazement and horror – it was incredible how those two often coincided – Snape was there, as were three Japanese Muggles, a teenager dressed in old-fashioned Hogwarts robes, a gigantic jester-like monster, a motionless Ginny, and an extra-dead Moaning Myrtle. The sinks were gone, and instead there was a gaping hole emitting purple-green smoke.

"What's going on here?" Harry muttered from under the safety of his Invisibility Cloak. He promptly ran towards Ginny and checked her pulse. Thankfully, she was only unconscious.

"So, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened," Dumbledore murmured.

The teenager gave a start upon noticing the Headmaster. "Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore triumphantly presented to everyone the floating bundle of chickens. "Behold, Tom," Dumbledore shouted, "the power of cockerels!"

With that, the roosters emitted an ear-piercing chorus of crowing that caused the Basilisk within the entrance of the Chamber of Secrets to wail in pain. The foundations of the castle shook as the giant snake keeled over and died.

"No!" Tom shrieked.

"NO!" the floating jester monster echoed, disappearing into the Chamber.

The teen named Tom took advantage of the commotion by shooting a green jet at Dumbledore, who was saved when Fawkes sprung in front of the Headmaster and swallowed the curse. Harry threw himself flat against the floor and swiftly scooped up the pile of ashes and regenerating baby phoenix, shoving it into his pocket.

Snarling, Tom snatched Snape's wand away, and now armed with two wands, he shot twin green jets of light toward Dumbledore. Dumbledore bent backwards Neo/Matrix-style, and the curses harmlessly impacted against the bathroom wall.

"You're an old man," Tom seethed. "You shouldn't be that flexible!" He raised his wands again, but was interrupted when Ryuk re-appeared, holding a curved fang in each hand. He pointed one at Tom, and the other at Dumbledore. Tom staggered back, pointing a wand at each of his opponents.

"Get back, Shinigami Ryuk, my fight is not with you," Tom hissed.

"Oh yeah? You cost Light – and me – sixteen years. I'm just taking back what's mine," Ryuk cackled.

"Harry, give me your wand and get out of here!" Dumbledore whispered urgently in the vague direction of where Harry was standing.

"No, I won't abandon you," Harry declared, and he ripped off the Invisibility Cloak.

Snape recoiled. "Potter! What are you doing here?" Snape barked.

Before Tom or Ryuk could react to Harry's sudden appearance, the Sorting Hat gave a loud cough. A ruby-encrusted sword immediately shot out from underneath the hat's brim and Harry, surprised, caught it with his Quidditch-honed reflexes. The name Godric Gryffindor was engraved on the blade just beneath its hilt.

"Oh, hmm..." Harry said, perplexed. "Professor, I've never used a sword in my life. Here you go!" He gave it to Dumbledore, who quickly pointed it at Ryuk, while still focusing his wand on Tom.

"Severus, get Harry out of here," Dumbledore ordered.

"The Potter boy stays," Tom said, eyeing Harry hungrily. "I will finish him off after I am done with you two!"

"Clearly, Tom, you don't understand what a Mexican standoff is," Dumbledore said calmly.

"Well, I do, but this isn't one!" At a speed unknown to mankind, Ryuk threw the Basilisk fangs at Tom and Dumbledore respectively. Dumbledore fell, while Tom clutched his chest in horror, ripping aside his robes to reveal the diary he had stored there for safekeeping.

"Damn it," Ryuk said, "it didn't go deep enough –"

"That's not what he said," Dumbledore croaked despite the fact he was possibly dying.

Tom's scream proved the Shinigami wrong. Everyone froze in astonishment as black, metallic-smelling liquid spurted from the pierced diary. Ink spewed from Tom's pores and the young wizard disappeared in a blinding flash of gold, leaving nothing but Ginny and Snape's wands and puddles of ink behind.

A stunned and lethargic sort of silence fell upon the bathroom. A low groan broke the quiet; Light Yagami was stirring within his ropes. As he shifted, his elbows jabbed into Matsuda and Aizawa, who both awoke with simultaneous yelps.

"Watch out, Headmaster, Snape's a traitor!" Aizawa yelled as soon as he analyzed the situation before him. "He's got a Death Eater tattoo!"

"Ew, Kira's touching me!" Matsuda squealed as he attempted to squirm out of the ropes away from Light.

Harry, alarmed by Aizawa's warning, leapt for Ginny and Snape's ink-soaked wands. But Snape only had eyes for Dumbledore, who was examining the fang embedded in his chest with great interest.

"Basilisk venom... interesting properties..."

"What the hell are you waiting for, Albus?" Snape demanded. "Get that thing out!"

"Again, that's not what he said," Dumbledore said dreamily from the floor. "Harry, would you mind handing over Fawkes now?"

Harry hurriedly took Fawkes out of his pocket and knelt down, placing the baby phoenix onto Dumbledore's chest. Ryuk, Snape, and Harry all watched in fascination as the bird dripped pearly tears onto Dumbledore's wounds.

"You can't kill me, Shinigami," said Dumbledore seconds later, majestically wrenching the fang from his healing chest, "and I suggest you don't try again, unless you want me to report you to the International Confederation of Wizards, who will escalate this to the Shinigami King himself."

"Bah, politics," said Ryuk, though he did look a little worried and more subdued.

Dumbledore walked over to the entrance of the Chamber and squinted through the purple-green smoke. "If I'm not mistaken, the Basilisk had laid some eggs. Three dozens, at least."

Ryuk's violet skin turned a delicate shade of green. "What?"

"Congratulations, Ryuk," Light sniggered, "you're a father!"

"I've had enough of your sass, Light Yagami," said Ryuk, pulling himself to his full height. He retrieved a slim black notebook and a skull-patterned pen from his belt, which caused Light's eyes to bulge in terror.

"Ryuk, no, please," Light begged, gasping harshly. "Not here, not like this."

"The jig is up, Kira. Everyone knows who you are. The fun is over."

"What's going on, Professor?" asked Harry. "Why are there Muggles here, in Hogwarts? And what is a Death Eater?"

Dumbledore brandished his wand. "Expelliarmus!"

The pen and notebook flew out of Ryuk's grasp. "Hey!"

Just then, Percy Weasley ran into the bathroom, fingering and stroking and pinching his Prefect's badge ever so sensually. "What in Merlin's beard is going on here?"

"Unfortunately, Mr. Weasley, it's not what it looks like," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Now, run along, nobody likes you."

Percy ran away, sobbing into his knuckles.

"Alright, everyone else, in my office. NOW."

A/N: I actually like Percy, but I couldn't resist abusing him here.