When I woke up I almost couldn't believe my own eyes. I started touching everything around me, the bed sheets, the pillows. My legs finally moved freely, no chain, no restraining.
He finally trusted me. I laughed out loud.
I had been back to our bed, back to Oliver's basement.
I rushed out of the bed upstairs to find the door unlocked. I tried to remember which door led to the living room, but it has been a tremendously long time since I had been here before he locked me in the basement as if it all has not even been true.
"Oliver..." I called for him loudly, without getting an answer. "OLIVER" this time I yelled and desperation started to rise in my mind.
He wasn't here. I'm alone.
What if he had left me? What if I can't find him? What if all this is just a sick dream? What if I'm dead? I froze.
All the blood rushing out of my head. I suddenly felt dizzy and had to lean against the wall to support myself from falling to the floor.
I never felt so alone and bewildered. What is my life? What is all this? There was no one who could help me, nobody to ressure me. But even if there would be I didn't need anybody except for him.
He has become my whole life.
The same way as I've given him hope and a thing to live for he has given me the same and that thing, the only thing worth was our love.
I started sobbing when the door suddenly opened and he was stading there.
Shocked as he saw me confused with tears in my eyes. He dropped the shopping bags he was carrying to the floor and put his hands on my shoulders.
"Lana what's wrong?" His eyes concerned. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. He lifted me into his arms so I wouldn't need to stand on tiptoes and kissed me.
"You're already starting to get heavier." he smiled, confusion replaced with a warm look in his eyes.
"Look," he let go of me and started to go through the shopping bags he had brought home. "These were so cute I had to buy them, so I got a pink one and a blue one too." With a wide heartfelt grin he showed me two pairs of little knitted shoes for babies. I could only silently stare at him.
"I don't...understand Oliver." His eyes changed to being concerned. He took my hand a led me to the living room sitting down on the sofa next to me, never letting go of my hand.
"Lana don't you remember?" He asked hesitantly. "You're expecting our baby. You've had some rough times keeping the food down and dizziness, but I've been giving you medicine and you started to feel better." He placed my hand into his lap and got hold of it with both hands.
"You've been sleeping so well lately." He put his glasses down and looked into my eyes.
"You had the nightmare again, haven't you?" I nodded.
"I could give you something stronger for sleeping but..." he exhaled loudly. "A stronger dosage could harm the baby. I knew Briarcliff will leave an effect on you, I just knew it." With an abrupt movement he stood up and threw the jacket of his suit at the arm of the sofa and started pacing around the room.
"Those bastards." He yelled. I knew I had to calm him down, he was so impulsive when it came to even the most basic things and I knew I was the only person who can get his mind off the things that made him furious.
I stood up as well and grabbed his arm. He turned around and I gently caressed his cheek. I knew my touch was working as a trigger in his mind and he forgot everything as long as he felt it.
He looked down at me and I placed my other hand to the other side of his face. He closed his eyes and slowly parted his lips in a moan.
"Oliver." I carefully pronounced his name. His name has been the word that escaped my lips more often than anything else for what seemed like my whole life now, because nothing that had happened before mattered.
There was no before. My life started when I finally admitted that I loved him.
"Everything's gonna be alright as long as you say so, because we need to reassure each other that we can overcome everything as long as we have each other." I said. He gulped and I could say that those were the unshed tears in his throat and hugged so tight that I had hard time breathing. He realized it and let go of me to look into my eyes.
"Everything's gonna be alright, believe me." He repeated my words.
"The baby is giving you a tough time, because it's going to be a tough guy just like his father or a beautiful stubborn girl like her mother." We both started to laugh I tried to picture our child, how would it look like. Would it be a boy or a girl. Would it look more like him or like me? We had a lot of time ahead of us to find out and after his words I felt no confusion or fear. As long as we're together nothing can harm me or the baby.
He suddenly kissed me and I felt the strongest desire burning through my body rising like a fire from my belly up to my shoulders. I couldn't help but break the kiss with a loud moan, which I could tell turned him on even more. He lifted me into his arms and carried me to the couch where he dropped me and sat on top of me. With quick movements he got rid of his tie and unbuttoned his white shirt.
"I need you now." He was panting and lifted my hips to almost tear my panties apart.
He became as furious and unstoppable as when he raped me for the first time. Needing me so badly that no force on this earth could stop him.
The memory of the past that had already been behind us didn't hurt me anymore. I remembered those days and nights when he was engaging in pleasuring himself in my body without my consent with contentment because every thought of him touching me gave me plasure now.
I had forgiven him and needed him as much as he needed me, physically and mentally, too.
"I need you too Oliver, so much." I was so overwhelmed with desire I had to force myself to open my eyes to see him unzipping the fly on his pants.
I closed my eyes again. When I opened them I found myself in pitch dark the only source of light illuminating a small barred window in the metal door was the lamp in the asylum's corridor.
I sat up on the bed and my mind went blank. I couldn't even cry, couldn't think or yell for help. Yelling his name would be useless, only the guards would come and sister Jude would find a suitable punishment for me in the morning.
Why has been my own mind punishing me this much? Giving me the perfect life only in shattered images in my sleep and then taking it away the next time I woke up so I could be identified with the sad truth the next moment. If I could at least tell what has been real and what only a delusion. Maybe then I could finally give up and live the life everybody else has been living in this godforsaken place.
I thought of my dream, of Oliver's touches and the pleasure he has been giving me and slipped my fingers into the wetness between my legs.
In that moment I could feel something was wrong. I looked at my fingers sticky with a dark warm fluid and immediately knew that it was blood.
The baby. My mind was suddenly alarmed. I'm bleeding. What's happening to the baby? "Oh God please." I was calling out to him even if I never believed in his existence. I knew that if I just let it be as it may, my punishment would be nothing compared to losing our baby. Oliver would never forgive me. I knew I had to act. I got out of the bed and started slaming my fist against the door as hard as I could. After half a minute a guard appeared and asked me what I wanted.
"Open the door, please! I'm bleeding, I'm hurt!" I yelled at him. He rolled his eyes, but unlocked the door. I couldn't believe my eyes when the light from the corridor illuminated my body. My nightgown was soaked in blood and it was streaming down my thighs. I remember the world go blurry and then everything was black.
I opened my eyes lying on the bed in the infirmary. A young nun was leaning over my bed, holding my wrist and checking my pulse. She smiled at me and slowly pushed the hair from my forehead with her slim fingers.
"What happened?" I asked slowly too afraid to mention the baby, I couldn't even allow myself to think about the possibility that it may no longer be in my belly.
"You've only had a heavy flow, the nerves you know. It happenes to everyone from time to time." I looked at her with bewilderment. Heavy flow? Happens to everyone? What is she talking about? Why aren't these people concerned about the life of anybody? My baby is a human being just like them, yet she's talking about things concerning its health as if it wouldn't even exist. She saw my confusion and turned on a heel when she was about to leave.
"The doctor said you're alright, don't worry." She said with a warm smile again. I immediately calmed down and I was thanking God and all the saints for protecting my baby. I could allow myself to smile now and I placed my hand on my belly. I couldn't feel anything yet, but I was sure the little one was feeling my love. Oliver said it can feel the mother's feeling even before it's born. I believed him and wanted to show our baby how much it's loved, because I knew that despite of all confusion and fear it will come into this world where his or her mother loves it the most in the world. It didn't matter whether it was a boy or a girl the only thing that mattered was that it was Oliver's.
I felt much better and got to leave the infirmary the same evening. The young nun reassured me again before letting me go that there's everything alright with me. She said Dr. Arden had given me something to stop the bleeding, but if I'll furthermore have any problems I shall tell the guards to let me visit her again and she will call the doctor. I slowly walked to the dining room consumed in my thoughts when I saw him elegantly descending the staircase, his movements graceful a cigarette in his left hand. When he saw me standing at the bottom of the stairs he smiled. When he approached me and only inches were dividing the space between us he reached out his hand and softly patted my shoulder.
"If my memory is correct we have a session tomorrow at ten Ms Winters." I couldn't force myself to say anything, my mouth stayed silent although I wanted to say something. Wanted to tell him how much he surprised me and how happy I am. He has never been this kind to me before. Not in this place.
All the memories flashed through my mind again and the smile froze on my face. I could only see his back as he said something to the guard at the front door and then the door closed behind him. Will I ever be able to tell him that I know him? That I loved him and he loves me in a different world. Where everything is the same as here. All the horrors are present only our love lights up the darkness surrounding us. I knew
I had to be patient. I knew it from the beginning but the paradox was the more personal his behaviour towards me has become the more I couldn't restrain myself and I was afraid that I'd do something stupid that would put him off before he could come up to me and tell me he remembers everything that has been happening between us.
"Ms Winters?" I wouldn't give him the satisfation of reacting to his words when he called me like that.
"Lana." He finally said and seemed even amused by this little manipulation I was doing right from the beginning.
Our weekly sessions became more frequent after he told sister Jude I've been making progress. I knew she loathed him for helping me and loathed me for starting to recover. She stopped the electroshock therapy after the cardiologist told her my arrhytmia could be affected by it and I might not survive it. She needed me alive. My death would give her no satisfation. She needed to torture me mentally and now after Oliver had told her that she can't refuse me having these sessions more often she decided to punish me otherwise.
I've never been allowed outside anymore. All the patients, if they behaved according to the rules were allowed for a walk twice a week for an hour in the park that was surrounding the asylum. I, on the other hand had to take double shifts in the bakery at that time. I craved for sunlight more than for food or drink. I knew the baby would need it, too, so I asked Oliver on our last session if there would be a possibility for me to go outside at least once a week.
He seemed shocked at the realization of my punishment and promised to stricktly speak to sister Jude about it. He didn't say anything about it now. I didn't want to bring it up I wanted him to show me that he keeps his promises, that he actually cares.
I was lost in my thoughts while he was typing into my file on the typerwriter. The cigarette between his lips, his face frowned, his gaze uncertain under his glasses. He took of the jacket of his suit at the beginning of our session the air started to be heavy and hot inside although it was only the end of April and the sun was shining throught the window that was barred even at his office.
I carefully followed his soft finger with my eyes as they were typing remembering the feeling they gave me once pressed against my skin in the most intimate parts of my body. I bit my lip not to let any sound out of my lips and closed my eyes. I forgot about time and suddenly realized he was speaking to me.
"...hear me?" I opened my eyes and came back to my senses. "Lana have you even been listening to me?" I saw that he wasn't typing anymore, he didn't even have my file on his desk anymore.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly. His expression calm and his eyes were looking right into mine.
"Can you tell me what were you thinking about all this time?" I didn't answer. I couldn't answer even if I wanted.
"You know you have confidence in me. I'm your therapist and I want to help you, genuinly help you, but none of my patients could make a long therm progress until they completely trusted me. And you can believe me Lana I've helped quite a few people. So, from now on let's start with being honest to each other. You can tell me anything that's on your mind. Anything that's bothering you."
"I was thinking about you." I felt as if I only got his full attention now. I could tell he flushed, because his cheeks showed a light shade of pink and I had to smile at this realization. He stood up and took off his glasses for the first time here in this world I could see him without his glasses on.
It felt so personal as if a huge iceberg that has always been between us suddenly cracked. He sat at the edge of the desk facing me crossing his arms on his chest. There were only a couple of inches separating us. I could have reached out my hand to feel him if I wanted. I decided to gather all my courage and tell him the only thing that has been occupying my mind these days. I had to act as soon as possible, I couldn't live in this doubt anymore and this moment was the right one, because I could finally be honest.
"I was thinking about you helping me with one thing." I quietly said having only a small hope.
"I'll do my best." His lips curled into a slight smile.
"I'd need a pregnancy test." I finally said it out loud but I knew his reaction even before he could say anything. He looked shocked. I knew he would consider me delusional again. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes.
"Lana...has anybody..." he said before I could speak. "If anybody has violated you, you can tell me and I'll take care of it." He seemed to become angry and was talking very fast.
"Has anybody hurt you? Tell me please and I'll make sure he'll end up in prison. People like that don't belong to a place like this, they belong to the electric chair." He stood up covering his face with his hands.
I couldn't speak for a few moments, because his concern not only surprised me but warmed my heart to the point when I could swear I felt the little one move inside my belly for the first time. I instinctively placed my palm on my belly and stood up facing him.
"No, doctor Thredson, it hasn't been like that." I was still afraid to call him Oliver but my heart was full of hope and not even his concerned look could erase the huge smile from my face.
"You have a relationship with someone inside this institution?" I shook my head. His face haven't changed and now I became confused as well, because the only thing I could address this behaviour to was that he felt something for me and that I was too afraid to admit even to myself.
I carfully placed my hand on his forearm feeling the soft fabric of his shirt. He looked down at my hand and stepped away to sit down behind his desk. The smile was suddenly gone from my face I knew he felt something unpleasant inside, but I couldn't tell if he was really jealous, because I mattered to him or he was just inddiferent after I assured him nobody has done anything against the law or morals. He put his glasses on, his expression severe.
"Ms Winters excuse my impropriety, but according to my knowledge it's almost impossible for you to be pregnant." I opened my mouth in surprise.
"Only few weeks have passed since you recoverd from a fever, so it would be impossible for you to feel anything suspicious happening in your body that would indicate to pregancy. And although you may have had intimate relations before, which is none of my concern" at this point I was almost sure a frustration flashed through his face. "a fever that high would not allow a living thing in your womb to survive." I was still speachless and I was nervously grabbing the hem of my sweater. He couldn't be right about it. No, I was sure this time even the best doctor could be wrong. This baby was healthy and was growing inside me, he himself told me that in our living room before he made love to me.
"But if that's what you wish for I can arrange it for you." His voice pulled me back to reality, my thoughts still confused. He stood up again and was walking towards the door.
"I'll take your blood now, let me just get Dr. Arden's things from the infirmary." He left the office. Leaving me there alone with my thoughts, which now seemed scary for the first time since I got used to living in two different worlds, one of them being this horror.
What if he's right after all and the baby died? Or what if the baby has never lived at all? What if only my mind has been making up things like this to let me escape from reality?
From my crimes for which I've been punished with being locked up here? So many things have happened that I had no time to think about the poeple they say I killed. Not only Wendy, but two other women too, whose names I couldn't even recall.
And then it hit me. What monster am I? Maybe I don't even deserve to be a mother and even if I'd become a mother and they would let me keep it and raise it in a place like this wouldn't it become the same monster as me? And what if it would be growing up here with me and one day when it would understand things someone would tell him what monster and murderer his mother is? I couldn't stop the tears and I was thankful to heavens for interrupting me from my thoughts by Oliver coming back.
He quickly took my arm and with an abrupt movement rolled up the sleeve of my sweater.
There was nothing gentle in his touch. The feeling of his fingers against my skin was the same as it has always been, but it left me cold inside.
When he pierced the needle through my skin into my artery he looked at me closing my eyes.
"Are you afraid of needles or you just can't stand the sight of blood?" He asked me with such an irony that I couldn't answer him directly.
I knew what he meant. I was so naive again, I thought he started to behave more humanly as if with care. All the things he said were just plain lies a doctor would tell his patient.
I swallowed hard, I didn't want to cry. Not now, not before him.
He didn't care for me. The Oliver I loved still loved me and cared for me more than for himself, but he, this Oliver who was here with me will always stay Dr. Thredson to me, yet they were the same person. Not only looked the same, but they were the same in my heart too. I felt the same love now as I felt in my dreams. If something would happen to him now and I would be still able to go back to my Oliver in my sleep nothing would be the same anymore because I would have lost a part of him.
And the knowledge that the Oliver who was looking into my eyes now has always been and always will be indifferent toward me because he will always only see bloody face in me was breaking my heart with the intensity of physical pain.
"You can go now. I'll take your blood to the local hospital's laboratory and the results will be ready tomorrow morning. I'll let the guard know that you'll be waiting here at my office at 9 o'clock. Until then..." he pointed at the door and I knew what he meant by that. I stood up still unable to walk away and thanked him.
"You're welcome." Was the only thing he said.
As if I wouldn't be worth of more. I knew I wasn't. One last look at him before I left the office, but he didn't pay attention to me anymore. His gaze was burried in the papers he was filling up for the pregnancy test. Only if he'd know, only if. That not only my life will change by those result, but his as well. If the test will be negative then any earthly methods used by psychiatry will fail and I will give my soul up to the darkness and maybe even death. And if the test will be positive then he will become a father.
I couldn't sleep that night. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see his angry eyes when I told him I needed the test and he was asking about my possible sexual partners and I could also see the indifference in his eyes when he said he'll do as I ask and when he was taking my blood.
The anger was hard to swallow, but the indifference was almost impossible to bear.
Sleep finally win over me when the light was already entering the room through the barred window at dawn. I heard the voice of the guards when I woke up in the morning. It took me few moments to remember what is awaiting me this morning and I looked at the clock on the bedside table. I showed quarter to nine. I jumped out of the bed, because I only had 15 minuted to get ready. I knew I wouldn't be attending breakfast, but at least I wanted to wash my face and brush my hair so I wouldn't need to be embarrassed by my looks when Oliver will see me. It still mattered, although I knew I meant nothing to him.
It was 9 o'clock when I got to his office. Breathing heavily not only from almost running through the corridors, but because of the nerves that have been constantly working inside me since the morning. He was late. He has never been late before. Why now? I couldn't stand it and went to the guard at the end of the hall to ask him what time is it.
20 minutes have passed since I've been standing here. Pacing up and down the corridor. I heard steps from behind and turned around to see him talking to the guard for a few moments and then hurrying into my dirrection. His expression hard and determinated.
"Good morning." 'It was the only thing he said, I answered the same.
He took out his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door letting me in. He followed and put his briefcase on the desk. Took out a paper that was most likely my test results from it and before he handed me the sheet of paper that was about to change everything he looked at me.
We were standing at an arm length from each other and he stepped one step closer leaving no personal space between us. His expression started to melt, his eyes and lips curled into a smile.
"Congratulations Ms Winters you're about to be a mother."
First I couldn't believe my ears because the joy this mere sentence has caused me overwhelmed my whole being.
My faith in our love has been so strong and it proved me right.
I experienced happiness I only felt when I came in his arms saying his name and giving myself entirely to him.
Now I knew this little human being that was growing inside me meant even more than him, because it needed me more than anything else in this world. And I needed it as much as I needed Oliver, because now there was a part of him growing stronger with every day inside my womb, the miracle of life that belonged only to us.
Now, not only I was smiling, but even he was. I wanted to hug him, to show him how much I loved him and how grateful I am that it was him who told me the happiest news of my life. The only thing I could do now was to thank him, but deep inside I was uttering these exact words: congratulations Oliver you're about to be a father.