Chapter 15: Bah Humbug!
[AN]: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. So… Yeah. This is basically Matt, Dan, Rumia, and Flandre's Christmas experience with Yuuka; there are some interesting stories to be told. Again, I apologize that chapter 14 took forever to come out, and the reason this one took longer to come out? Just look at the post date! You can't write a Christmas chapter and not put it out on Christmas!... Christmas. Anyway, we're gonna do a time-skip to Christmas Eve in this chapter. Now, I know you all must be thinking "Sweebation! Why is nothing happening? Why doesn't Dan go up to the surface and kick Gunethre's ass? Why are you so awesome?" Well, I just wanted to have some fun messing with the group, and Dan did kick Gunethre's ass a couple chapters ago. Also, the reason I'm so awesome is because I'm the freaking computer youkai! How awesome is that *Does awsm face*. Anyway, enough narcissistic babbling; lets move on to the next chapter!
The LT (Christmas Eve, Approx. 6:45PM)
Matt's POV
*Sigh*
"Remember when I had free will?"
"Come on Matt~! I need you~!"
I face palmed "Yeah, it's like, gone now." I pulled myself out of the mental gutter I was in. "Coming Miss Kazami!" I called while walking into my- excuse me, HER room to tend to her every will. "Yes Yuuka?" I asked with a grim expression.
Yuuka frowned while lying down on MY bed. "I thought I told you to either address me by Miss Kazami, Master, or my title, Miss 'Flower master of the four seasons'." Potted plants were scattered all over my room, and I had to move the game consoles out so Flan could play her games. Yuuka had no interest in video games.
"Sorry master." I said while bowing. I could think up about 200 better titles for her. But my favorite would have to be: 'Green-haired flower bitch.'
Her sweet tone still hung in her voice. Just like it did for the past 2 weeks. "Just try to remember." Her face darkened all of a sudden. "You wouldn't want me to... Punish you again, would you?" Yuuka was smiling while shadows veiled her face, and a very sharp grin crept across her face.
"N-no, Sorry Miss Kazami!" I bowed to the ground; shuttering at the memory of the last time she disciplined me.
Yuuka's expression lightened up a little bit. "I'm glad to see that you understand. Anyway, I would like you to water my plants. And remember~, use the water from the kappa river. If you don't~…" Her face darkened again. "I'll know." Shadows as dark as night covered her eyes.
I bowed again; almost touching the ground this time. Just like the obedient little servant That Yuuka had made me into. "Yes Miss Flower sadist of the four fucking seasons." I thought, while in reality I said "Y-yes M-miss Kazami!" nervously. The fear was obvious in my voice. "I-I'll be sure to get water from the kappa river!" I brought my head up from the ground to see that Yuuka's expression had again lightened up. "Why is she doing this to meeee~! She knows I'll get my ass kicked if I go up to the surface~~, and she knows that I'm defenseless without my watch!" I internally whined.
The innocent and motherly; yet creepy and evil smile graced Yuuka's face once more. "Glad to see you understand~." Yuuka held her hand out while a bluish vine handed her my watch that held my dis-embodied soul. "Because if you want this back, you need to do everything I ask of you." She dangled it by the chain in front of my face. I reached out for it with longing eyes. As soon as I did this action, Yuuka's face changed from the pedophilic smile, to a trollish smirk. She pulled on the front of her shirt's collar, and dropped the watch into her bra.
"GNUHK!" My face turned beet-red. "Stop doing that! It makes it so hard to think!" I said while both of my fists were pointed toward the ground. "The last thing I need it to start having perverted thoughts in the middle of a world filled with cute girls that could all easily kill me on a whim!"
Yuuka held her index finger up to her chin, and smiled innocently. "But I thought this would be every male's dream~. Oh well, you are dismissed."
"Yeah, fuck you too!"
I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. As soon as I was out, Maria jumped up into my face and yelled "Merry Christmas Matt~!" While holding a candy cane.
I ruffled her hair. "Merry Christmas to you too." I said while thinking "When did Dan's shikigami get so cute!"
Maria's computerized companion piped up in the background. "And a happy new year as well mate!" he said in his hilariously shameless reference of a certain voice from portal 2. I smiled nervously while rushing out the door; trying to get as far away from Yuuka as possible.
Land train (Christmas Eve, Approx. 7:00PM)
Dan's POV
"Stupid Christmas! It's so colorful and happy… Too happy!" I sulked as I walked back to my abode. The hunt had been pretty good that day, because I was able to actually catch a fairy without killing it. I held up my prey to look at it. "You guys are having roasted fairy tonight!" I exclaimed in my mind. "I wish I could eat fairy meat~…" I internally whined. I wanted to find a pig and have a Christmas ham, but all I could find was a fairy, which sucks because the human digestive tract cannot digest fairy meat. "… Some roasted baby would be nice*…" I internally joked and mused while my caught fairy struggled with the bonds on her hands, feet, and wings.
"Hurr!... You'll never get away with this! I'll tell the ice fairy and she'll kick your butt!" The fairy screeched while beating my arm with her tiny fists.
"Oh god, just shut the fuck up! And who is this ice fairy?" I pondered while the little fairy continued her 'assault'.
*Flashback* (WOOT!)
Reimu looked over at me. "Oh, you're awake. I have something to tell the both of you" She said with a grin expression.
I got up from my futon. "What is it?"
Reimu looked at both of us "it seems your energy cores are pretty small. You both could probably only put out enough power to match the ice fairy."
Matt who was in the futon next to me, sweat dropped. "I'm guessing she's not that strong"
"No, but she certainly thinks she is" Reimu mumbled
*End Flashback*
"Oh yeah… I could probably take her on like nothing! After all, I was only pretending to be weak." I thought while smirking. The little fairy continued her futile effort to break free.
"Come. On. Why. Can't. I. Shoot!" She said while pronouncing each word with a hit.
I smirked and held up the rack that the 2 foot tall shrimp was hanging from. "I sealed your god-damned danmaku. You will not be able to escape. I wouldn't want the main course of my Christmas dinner running the fuck away." I said while grinning sadistically.
The fairy's face paled as all color drained from it. "NO! NO! NO! NO!" She started beating my arms faster. "I'm not going to be eaten again!" She started hitting even faster. "I already have to put up with the hungry ghost!" While putting up with the fairy's small punches, I saw Matt zip past me in a dust cloud.
"What was that all about?" I wondered as I opened the door of the LT, and found Maria, Rumia, and Flandre decorating a Christmas tree. "Gah! Too... Happy!" I started walking grimly to the kitchen while muttering curses under my breath and looking at the shining pine tree.
"Dan! Dan! Dan! You're home! Now we can start cooking Christmas dinner!" Maria happily said while the Small fairy gave up and let her body hang lip from the wooden rack she was tied to. I grabbed the live fairy by the back of her red-stitched white dress while the frills at the sleeves stood still, laid her on a chopping block while moving her green hair away from her neck, and raised a meat-cleaver while she tightly shut her deep green eyes. Maria gasped. "Dan! What are you doing!" She said in shock.
I stopped the huge blade inches away from her neck and looked at Maria. "What does it look like I'm fucking doing; I'm making our Christmas dinner!" I snapped back while Maria looked at me shamefully.
Rumia came over to the kitchen while drooling. "Yes, please continue, but can I have my part raw?" She asked in a childish tone while hr eyes glowed deep crimson.
"Disgusting… I'm not even going to eat tonight."
"Why are you trying to eat her?" Flandre asked while walking into the kitchen and scolding me. The little shrimp opened one of her eyes, and looked to her right at Flandre, then at Maria. "Fairies are far more useful as targets for splode'in!" Flan added in a in a darker tone. The little fairy froze as all the color drained from her face.
Maria slowly turned her head in Flandre's direction as an Eire silence swept through the cabin. "Uh, that's not exactly what I meant Flan…" I mentally sighed as Maria took forever to say whatever it was she was saying. She slowly turned her head back to me, and said "But seriously, what did that fairy ever do to you?"
I sighed. "Well, other than being the bane of any traveler's existence, I guess she hasn't ever done anything wrong…" I said while looking down. Maria kept looking at me sternly.
"Come on~ I'm hungry~!" Rumia whined.
"Shut up Rumia! You're not helping!" Maria snapped.
AILC's Wheatly-wannabe voice could be heard from the living room yelling "What's going on? What am I missing?"
The fairy's warm eyes looked at Maria, then back at me. I shrugged, once again raised the meat cleaver as she shut her eyes tightly, and brought it down.
*CHOP!*
The little annoyance opened one eye while shaking, to see the cleaver wedged in the block right in front of her face. She opened the other eye and looked at me. "W-w-wh…"
I loosened my grasp on the handle of the blade, and let go while sighing. "Bah! I don't even like fairy meat!" I turned to Maria. "Sometimes you really fucking piss me off…" I said in a low growl. Maria kept glaring at me as I un-did the ropes that bound the little shrimp's hands, legs, and wings. "You better thank your lucky stars that Maria was around to save you…" I growled as the ropes were un-done.
The little fairy rubbed her wrists, and looked at Maria. "T-thank you…" She mumbled while dashing out the door. Maria watched as she stumbled down the stairs, as her wings were broken so badly that she was unable to fly.
"Well, there goes my dinner…" Rumia shrugged while going back to hanging trim all around the tree.
"I wanted to play with her~." Flandre whined as she went back to hanging multi-colored crystals on the tree.
"It was fun watching her squirm." Yuuka added from the back room in a dark tone of voice. Her head that was sticking out the doorway slowly hid back behind it as the door creaked closed.
"… Sadist…"
Maria put her hands at her hips and looked at me sternly. "Why are you going around bulling people on Christmas Eve? I mean… It's Christmas!" I focused on Maria again as she lectured me about Christmas.
I frowned, and stood up straight. "Bah humbug! I hate Christmas!" I smugly stated while closing my eyes and crossing my arms. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and stared at me in dis-belief. Maria's jaw dropped to the ground as I opened one eye. The next few seconds were so quiet, that if one listened closely, the sound of the ever-lasting Oni party at the underground village could be heard.
"B-b-but… How can you hate Christmas? It's the best holiday of the year!" Maria's eyes watered as she stated her belief in a weak voice.
"Cute kitty cry?" If Maria cried, then I was sure that I'd find myself crying as well.
All of a sudden, the window positioned above the kitchen sink broke as a red, white and green blur crashed through. It was the little fairy from before. She brushed her dress off, and pointed an accusing finger at me. "What do you mean you hate Christmas! Why would you say such a thing?" her outburst attracted everyone's attention. Including Rumia's who lunged at the fairy with starry eyes, but found herself back-dropped out the window by the small fairy.
Everyone in the room sweat dropped as the little fairy puffed out her chest to try and make herself look tough. "Ohhhhh~kay? What was that all about?" Maria asked while everyone else stared at the little fairy.
The fairy held up an informative finger, and said "I am the fairy of Christmas!" proudly.
"Oh great. This is going to be just like that god-damned Scrooge story, isn't it? Bah humbug! Curse you references!"
The little fairy flew up to me, and pushed her bright-green eyes into my face. "Why do you hate Christmas?" She asked while pressing her finger up against my chest.
"Move it of I will cook you!" I hastily threatened.
The door to the outside flew open as a heavily beat-up Matt crawled in. "Sorry I took so long guys. Yuuka had me get water from the kappa river, and I-
"RAOHWW" The little fairy interrupted Matt by snarling like a tiger. Her eyes went feral, and the little mistletoe bow-charm on her head fluttered in non-existent wind.
Matt retreated into the back room with a bucket in hand. "Imma go shut up now…" He said sheepishly.
"LOL"
The fairy of Christmas turned back to me with a dark expression, and grasped my collar. "You will be visited by three ghosts tonight. Each one scarier than the last." The fairy drifted back out the window as her expression brightened up "Merry Christmas everyone!"
She jumped out the window, and an audible "OOF!" Could be heard as she landed on the darkness youkai she flung out the window before.
"Great… this is going to turn into a parody, isn't it?" I complained in my head as I sulked back into my kitchen where there was a present lying on the counter next to the dell I had set up to read recipes off of. The tag read:
To: Daniel Elohssa
From: The Computer Youkai**
Please open on Christmas Eve.
I tore the package open, and inside it was a large, fully cooked Ham. I immediately grinned. "Looks like we are having Christmas dinner after all!" I exclaimed with glee.
LT (Christmas Eve, Approx. 7:30PM)
Matt's POV
"Finally back!… I made it!" I mentally patted myself on the back. I was able to make it back to the underground caves, but just barely. At the kappa river, I tried and failed to resist perverted thoughts about a shy kappa girl named Nitori, in the desert plains I was ambushed by some of Sergeant Asshole's soldiers, had an unfortunate encounter with a group of hungry youkai while walking through the forest of magic, and was trolled the rest of the way home by the gap-hag who followed me all the way home while hanging out of a dark-purple gap.
Nitori seemed nice, but I ended up 'accidentally' groping her which resulted in me being chased to the plains by a robo-arm wielding trigger-happy kappa. Seriously, she had so many guns, it wasn't even funny.
I accidentally stumbled into one of Gunethre's traps, and his soldiers chased me back to the forest; shooting holy-water rounds all the way. Luckily, I was able to lose them in the thick brush of the forest.
The group of feral, foaming-at-the-mouth low-level youkai were starved of meat, and almost driven mad. I could've easily taken them on if I had my powers, but back there, I was just their dinner. Luckily, I ran into an equally-hungry Yuyuko who had her own Christmas feast with her youkai prey. It was for the better. They would re-spawn without their madness in less than an hour***.
At the entrance of the cave, I had to put up with Yukari's trolling all the way back to the LT. She had been doing this ever since I told Yuuka about the watch.
And now, I was back in Yuuka's room, and watering her plants with kappa water. "Very good Matt. You were able to complete my humble request. Thank you~." She mused with a smile.
"Humble my ass. Your 'task' nearly got me killed!" I kept the thought to myself in fear that Yuuka might take action. "You're welcome Miss Kazami." I bowed.
Yuuka giggled, reached inside her shirt, and pulled out the shiny gold prize while I blushed. "I think you've earned this back. Think of it as your early Christmas present~." She merrily said while smiling. Yuuka threw the watch back to me and I caught it; feeling my power surge through me like electricity through a micro-circuit.
I pocketed the watch, and beamed. "Thank you Miss Yuuka!" I said as I dashed out of the room. Yuuka got out of the bed, and followed behind me.
I ran into my living room where Maria and Flandre were dressing the tree. "Guys! Look!" I exclaimed while holding the watch above my head.
Dan walked out of the kitchen while Rumia walked in through the door, and right when the door closed behind her, Yuuka walked out. "That's great Matt." Dan unenthusiastically said.
Rumia dashed towards me and pulled me into a tight embrace. "That's wonderful Matt!" She said excitedly. I hugged her back, and we stayed there for a good total of 10 seconds. Dan and Flandre were smiling in the background. While mentally patting themselves on the back.
I smiled as we both looked into each others eyes. Rumia was about to say something, but was interrupted by a tolling youkai who popped out of one her purple time-space transcending troll-holes****, pulled me away from Rumia, and gave me a bone-crushing hug. "You did it Matt! You passed my test!" She exclaimed while still half-hanging out of her purple eye-filled gap.
"Ack! What. *Gasp!* test? *Wheeze!*" I just barely wheezed out audible words. The gap sage set me on the ground, and stepped out of her gap. Everyone's eyes (or camera for AILC) were on the gap youkai as she patted me on the back. I caught my breath but her back-patting made it harder than usual to take deep breaths. "Thank you. *Gasp!* for letting go of *Breath!* me!" I struggled to say. The Sukima no youkai(*x5) stopped patting my back. "I don't have to take this abuse!"
Yukari seemingly ignored what I said, wrapped her arm around my head, and gave me a bro-noogie. As her fist grated against my gleaming silver hair, everyone started laughing and giggling. Even AILC who had a Santa Clause hat hanging on the top-left corner of his screen. "Oh Matt~… You're so silly~!" She sang as she let me out of her noogie-o-death. "Just meet me at Satori's palace at noon on the 26th. I'll explain everything." Yukari said as she stepped into one of her gaps. "Merry Christmas!" She said as the hole in reality closed up like a zipper.
"HAHAHAHAHA~! Oh Matt, she got you good! HAHAHAHAHA!" Dan said while laughing at my mis-fortune.
*Childish giggle* "Sorry Matt, but that was funny." Maria said as she tried to hold back her laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! HEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE~!" Flandre was literally rolling on the floor laughing. (Rofling)
"Soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi!(*x6)" I thought as it seemed appropriate for Flan's actions. I didn't really mind being laughed at. In fact, I was internally laughing at myself.
"Hahahahayhahay." The dull and monotonous voice of Microsoft Sam came from AILC.
But Rumia seemed to have a problem with it. "Shut up guys! It's not funny!" Rumia stepped in front of me, and held her fist in front of herself. Rumia's eyes were filled with determination and vigor. Even with her display of bravery and standing up for me, everyone ignored her; except for Dan, who nodded at Rumia in approval.
I put my hand on Rumia's shoulder and smiled. "It's ok, I don't mind when other people laugh at me. Besides, I'm kinda laughing at myself right now." I calmly said as the laughter died down.
Rumia paused while her expression brightened, and then said "Is that so?" in her usual way.
"Come on guys, Dinner is ready!" Dan grumbled as he made his way into the kitchen. He walked into my magically enhanced dining room which had a table that was longer than the LT itself.
"Geez, what happened to you scrooge?" I decided to keep the rude comment to myself.
Flandre dashed into the dining room excitedly; followed by Maria carrying AILC, and last were me and Rumia.
When we came in, the table was decorated by a white stainless tablecloth, different assortments of fruit bowls, and golden candle-holders that each held three lit candles. The red ribbons complimented the red plates, and the golden candle-holders were crafted in a style similar to the utensils which were made of brass. There were twelve seats on either side of the table, with a single chair at each head. Dan sat at the furthest head of the table while brandishing a knife with a grim expression. Both Rumia and I shuttered a little, as the knife brought back old memories of Dan hunting us.
"So, we are gathered here for our wonderful Christmas dinner. I have prepared Ham, mashed potatoes, and some rolls." Dan grimly said while carving the ham. "You all better eat what I prepared, or else I might have to fucking kill something!" Dan brought the knife away from the ham to hold it above his head with a psycho-killer smile crossing his face.
"Nya! I don't need any more bad memories!" I exclaimed in my head. Christmas dinner was fairly un-eventful. The food that Dan prepared was five star quality. I didn't really need to eat, you know, I'm just running off of the machines in my body, but Dan made me eat his dinner. There were some funny moments with Rumia, but other than that, it seemed like an enjoyable evening. Except for Dan. He seemed to be grumpy about something. After everyone had their fill we all went to bed. In wait for the next day.
LT Dan's room (midnight, 11:00PM)
Dan's POV
"Yes, kill them all!" I was cutting off Gunethre's dick while blasting all his minions to oblivion. All while Slayer's Angel of Death was playing in the background. "This is what you get for messing with me mother fu-
I was suddenly pulled out of the dream world by a hand that was shaking me awake. I looked up and saw three apparitions. One dressed in pink, one dressed in red, and one dressed in black as my vision adjusted, I could see they were all wearing near-identical clothes. "We are the Primsriver sisters!" The all declared happily in unison.
I sighed. "Are you three the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future?" I asked while rolling my eyes.
They all looked at each other in confusion.
"Christmas?" the one in pink said.
"Past, present, and future?" the one in red said
The black one whacked the other two over their heads. "You idiots! Remember? We're supposed to teach this guy about Christmas!" the red and pink sisters rubbed their heads.
"Ok, let's get this over with. So, which of you is the ghost of Christmas past?" I asked with a bored expression and tone of voice.
The three Primsrivers looked at each other, then back at me. "All of us!" They proudly said in unison.
I face palmed "Ok, so all three of you are the ghost of Christmas past?" I said while bringing my head out of my hand.
"Yep." They all said in unison as usual.
*Sigh* "Ok, let's get going."
Musical Ghosts of the past.
"And this is Bach!" The black ghost said while pointing to a bust of Bach.
"Oh god… And what does this have to do with Christmas?" I internally groaned.
"Let us play an example for you." The pink sister said. They all raised their instruments, and played a piece by Bach.
"Kill meeee~." I internally whined. "GAAAAAAAHHHH!" I let out a feral scream, then banged my head against a nearby wall; Interrupting their concert. "What-does-this-have-to-do-with-Christ-mas!" I said while uttering one syllable per head-bang.
"I'm sorry, it looks like we failed you." The Primsriver sisters said and bowed in unison. "We'll send the next ghost."
The one in red snapped her fingers, and I was back in my bedroom. The trio of ghosts were nowhere to be seen.
*Sigh* "One down, two to go."
I lied in bed while waiting for the next ghost.
Swordmistress of the Present.
After about five minutes, I heard something banging on my door. "Hello? Can someone let me in?" I high pitched voice called.
"Ugh!" I grunted and un-locked my bedroom door. "Ok, come in Miss Ghost yadda yadda yadda, show me stuff about the present." I said in an annoyed tone.
"You're so rude! Anyway, *Ahem!* Ooooh~ I am the ghost of Christmas present~" She said while waving her arms, and her tone of voice screamed 'I-don't-want-to-be-here'.
"Cut it out Youmu." I said in a low growl.
Youmu stopped being retarded, and looked at me square in the eye. "How do you know my name?" She asked in a bland tone while reaching for one of her swords.
"I think I met you a long time ago." I said in an evenly bland tone.
Youmu sighed. "Ok, let's get this over with." She said with dull eyes.
"Yes, let's" I added.
Youmu snapped her fingers, and we found ourselves in a dojo. "Well, I don't know why I agreed to doing this, and you seem like a good fighter, so let's train".
"Fucking sweet!" I replied, "Well, she holds her sword like she actually knows how to use the goddamned thing", I thought to myself "this might actually be a good match".
Youmu held her Roukanken in an attack position. "The first to reach 3 points wins. If either of us lands a lethal hit, then it's one point." She spoke in a less dull tone with lots of vigor. "One more thing", she said "no magic and no guns, just swords and fists" The half phantom added with a smirk.
"Deal" I agreed
It began simply, we both circled each other, and I watched her stance for any shifts while she kept just outside of my reach. Then she moved; darting forwards faster than I could blink. Her left sword moved to trap mine while her right slashed my throat.
After I regenerated, I simply stared, stunned. "Did she just slit my throat?" She was fast, faster than humanly possible. This was going to be a tough battle without my magical enhancements. "Very good. I see that you are-
I was interrupted by a sword cleaving through my middle. Youmu jumped back about 7 feet after landing the hit. "That's two points for me." She said with a dull smirk.
"The little cunt fucker! Stop spamming Cheap shots!" After I regenerated, I held up a certain finger that was located between my index and ring finger. "Just caus' you sneak in a couple of cheap shots doesn't mean-
I was interrupted once again by a slash to my neck. I was able to bend backwards just in time before she was able to be-head me. When I landed, I clenched my fist and adopted an expression of pure, unfiltered anger. "WHAT IN THE NINEBALL GOD-FUCKING-DAMN LAYERS OF HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO!" I yelled as fire blew out of my mouth. "Urge to kill… Rising!"
Youmu didn't flinch or seem intimidated. She kept her cool as she said "Just trying to score my winning point." In a taunting tone of voice.
My eye started twitching and my clenched fist started shaking violently. "I'LL SCORE YOUR CHAINSAW-ASS-SHITTING WINNING POINT!" I screamed with rage as I charged at her in a wavy pattern. This time, she did react by jumping into the air and slashing at the back of my head. What she didn't anticipate; was that after I passed the spot where she was previously standing, I turned around and grabbed the blade of her sword which was 5 inches from my face, and pulled her out of the air. "OH NO, YOU ARE NOT PULLING ANY OF THAT FUCKING SHIT!" While in my mind, I was thinking: "OH GOD! What in the nine layers of hell is that sword MADE of?" As much as her abnormally sharp sword hurt to even touch, I yanked the surprised swordswoman down with all my strength and proceeded to get my revenge.
*Insert merciless beating of a half ghost swordswoman here*
After scoring two hits on her, she was able to break away from my hold. She was at one side of the arena, and I was about 20 feet away at the other end. We were both panting as we each stared each other down. Youmu smirked and let her blades touch the ground. "What was that you were saying about cheap hits?" She said in a mocking tone.
My eyes snapped back open with a look one would expect to see in a rabid animal. I let out a feral scream and charged at her. "YAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!"
Youmu charged at me with both swords held behind her back, but didn't let out any kind of battle cry.
We passed each other in the way you would see in a samurai B-movie. We both stopped at the opposite ends of the arena, and silence graced my ears for a couple seconds. A small 1 inch portion of my long blonde hair fell to the ground. "GOD DAMNIT!"
I turned around to look at Youmu, who was motionless until she started cringing. She keeled over in pain and two halves of her physical body fell in opposite directions. They both disappeared as they hit the ground, and she re-spawned. I smirked as she looked at me with anger-filled eyes, and like me before; she clenched her fist and held it in front of her as if she had frozen mid-uppercut punch. A pulsating vein appeared on the right side of her forehead as she screamed "What the hell was that for?" at the top of her lungs.
I smiled innocently, as the blade of my sword shattered into hundreds of black shards, and I re-concealed the handle. "What are you talking about? All I did was slash at you to win the match~." I cooed, feigning innocence.
Youmu sheathed both of her swords, and calmed down a little while crossing her arms. "Well you didn't have to hit me THERE." She said as the half phantom turned her face away from me.
"…right in the lady-parts!..."
The setting changed back to my room. Youmu shot a dirty glare at me, and phased through the wall as if she was a whole ghost.
Hungry Ghost of the Future?
"Ahh, that sparring match with Youmu was a relief. I wonder who the next ghost is." I pondered the thought, until a pink-haired head popped out from under my bed-sheet. "Gah! Yuyuko! Get out of my bed!" I Yelled as I jumped off my bed.
Yuyuko touched a finger to her chin and smiled innocently. "Oops, sorry, but why would you do something like that to my Youmu?" She asked sternly, but then giggled.
"The bitch pissed me off!" I retorted smugly.
A loud and audible growl rang through the room as Yuyuko clutched her stomach. "Do you have anything to eat around here? I'm hungry~." The netherworld princess whined.
I grumbled under my breath about how Yuyuko and the others were fucking wasting my goddamn time. "*Irritated mumbling* Sure, we have some leftovers from last fucking night's dinner."
I led her to the kitchen and laid out some leftovers from last night's feast. Yuyuko stared at the food with starry eyes, and then literally inhaled the food. I had to hold onto the damn countertop to avoid being pulled into the black hole known as Yuyuko's stomach. "Stop this right now Yuyuko!" I exclaimed as the Christmas tree in out living room flew past me, and into Yuyuko's mouth.
She stopped drawing in air, and leaned back in her chair. "That's quite a bit of fiber. *BURP!*"A red Christmas ornament flew out of her mouth.
I looked into the living room where the tree used to be, and let the events catch up with me. "Holy shit… OH SHIT! Maria's gonna be pissed!" I turned back to Yuyuko, who looked at me whimsically while patting her belly. "What the hell did that have to do with Christmas Future?" I exclaimed.
Yuyuko put her finger up to her chin in thought. "Well…" She placed a finger on her chin. "There used to be a Christmas tree in the past, and now there isn't one in the future." She said with an eased smile.
I stared at her as my left eye twitched. "Get… Out!" I pointed at the doorway, with fire burning in my eyes.
Yuyuko looked at the door, and then turned her gaze back to me. "I was thinking-
"GET THE GODDAMNED HELL FUCKING OUT BEFORE I CUNT-FUCKING EXCORSISE YOU!" I screamed.
Yuyuko froze, and then nervously chuckled. "Heh… Bye." She slowly disappeared until there was no trace that she had ever been here. Except for a missing Christmas tree.
"Aw shit… Where am I going to find a new Christmas tree at this hour?
…
…
I snapped my fingers "I got it!"
How the Asshole Stole Christmas(*x7)
I peeked over the edge of a rock, and peered out at one of Gunethre's many bases. All the soldiers were patrolling the wall, in preparation for Christmas tomorrow. I snuck into the base, and detonated a poison gas bomb. Soon, all the soldiers were having a nice time in hell. "Let the fun begin!"
I snuck into the armory of the base, and started my mission there.
You're mean one, Mr. Dan!~
You're a really twisted man~
You're as harmless as a warhead~
Cuddling kitties when you can~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
I stole a couple weapons for myself, and re-stocked ammo for my current weapons. I was getting low on silver rounds.
You're a bad apple in a
greasy black pan~
I slithered into the mess hall of the base, and raided the fridge to replace all the food that Yuyuko fucking wasted.
You're an cuntwad, Mr. Dan~
You're an asshole and a dick~
you're the king of dirty language~
And you kill things just for kicks~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
"Heeheehee! Imma gonna make lobster tomorrow motherfuckers!" I stole a lobster out of a refrigerator, and stuffed it in a sack I brought along.
I wouldn't touch you with a
39 and a half foot prick~
I tip-toed across the lot, and made my way into a warehouse. In there I found a large nuclear warhead.
You're immortal, Mr. Dan~
Your heart is made of coal~
Your brain is full of psycho~
And I'm sure you have no soul~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
I giggled childishly as I thought about stealing the nuke. "Goddamnit to motherfucking shit-filled piss-drinking ass-licking hell, I'd never be able to get it back to camp." I sighed in disappointment, and continued my foul work.
Your language is is that of an
Internet Troll~
I finally snaked my way into the main hall of the base, where the Christmas tree stood.
You're a monster, Mr. Dan~
Your mouth is full of yuck~
There's one word that you use the most~
It's eff you see kay fuck~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
"This'll make a nice replacement!" I said while admiring the tree.
You're mouth is a deplorable pig-pen.
Overflowing with purely disgraceful language comparable to the AVGN.
Lumped together and
dumped in the trash~
"Well, time's a-fucking-wasting!" I thought; mentally punishing myself for the use of bad grammar.
You're a vile one, Mr. Dan~
You're a really evil guy~
You love the thought of murder~
And you love to make things die~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
I un-plugged the tree, and encased it in a longer bag.
The only reference you deserve is on the
Phillips cd-i~
I smiled at my handiwork, and dragged the tree and my other spoils out of the room
You nauseate me, Mr. Dan~
Your favorite word is fuck~
You're crazy and insane and~
you're a crooked lucky duck~
Mr. Daaa~aan!~
On my way out, I left Gunethre's troops a little present of my own. I pulled a detonator out of my pocket and pressed the big red button that detonated 30 tons of C4.
The three words that describe you best are
Fuck, Fucker, Fucked!~
*BOOM!*
The base went up in smoke. "Ah, I love the smell of napalm in the morning(*x8)!" I stated while slinging the sack of stolen goods over my back. "Eh, I take back what I said. Christmas is awesome! I got to blow shit up! Better get back and set this stuff up!" I trudged back to the underground cave that Matt, Rumia, Flandre, and I called home to set up the new tree.
LT (Christmas morning, approx. 8:00AM)
Matt's POV
*Yawn!* I stretched my arms out to get the mix of hydraulic fluid and blood in my body flowing. "Nothing like Christmas morning!" I ran down the hall, and into the living room where an excited Rumia pounced on me faster than Maria could pounce on Dan.
"Matt! It's Christmas!" She shook me while excitedly babbling on about Christmas presents and Santa Clause. It was Rumia's first Christmas, so it was natural for her to be excited.
Dan was already up, and making omelets in the kitchen. About five minutes after I walked in, Maria ran in with AILC. "It's Christmas! Santa came!" She excitedly exclaimed while pulling on Dan's coat. Dan chuckled as Maria dragged him over to the pile of presents near the tree. He seemed in a much better mood this morning. "Come on Dan! I wanna… Huh?" Maria adopted a puzzled expression while looking at the Christmas tree. "What happened to the tree?" Maria asked while looking up at Dan.
Dan looked back at the cat youkai as a large bead of sweat dropped down the back of his neck. "I… Well… I re-decorated it." Dan said nervously.
Maria's expression immediately brightened up, and hugged Dan. "You found your Christmas spirit! Didn't you?" She said in a joyous tone of voice.
Dan pat Maria's head and said "Yes, I did." In a calm, kinder voice.
Rumia dragged me over to the tree to open presents just as Maria dragged Dan along. AILC was left out of the gift exchange, but not for long. "Hey Maria? Is there anything for me?- Whoa!" As soon as AILC asked Maria, Maria pulled the computer off the table it was sitting on, and laid it down next to her on the floor.
"Merry Christmas AILC!" Maria said while looking at the face on AILC's screen that was pulled up in an explorer window. She laid a small present down on the floor next to him, and smiled. "Would you like me to open it for you? I mean, you don't have any arms." Maria cheerfully said.
The virtual face on AILC's monitor smirked. "It's just a flesh wound(*x9), but I won't be opening it anytime soon. So, could you open it for me?" AILC said with his Wheatly voice. Maria smirked, and tore open the packaging to reveal a 4 GB RAM expansion. "Oh thank you! I was running a bit low on Physical memory!"
Everyone enjoyed their gifts. Dan got a custom-made obsidian flechette gun from Matt, Maria let Dan cuddle her without clawing his face out, Flan gave him a sniper rifle that she stole off of one of Gunethre's troops, Rumia gave Dan an average quality hand made wooden Bokuto(*x10) that Rumia carved herself out of enchanted wood from the Forest of Magic.
Matt got some industrial-grade enchanted steel from Dan, an energy storing philosopher's stone that Flandre took off of her wings. (Don't worry, it'll grow back), a kappa-made padlock for Matt's chest compartment from Maria (and she also lent him a crowbar to try and pry the damaged door open. A crowbar is one of the few tools the Matt doesn't have), and Rumia gave him a silver pocket watch that she got using Mystia's money, not to mention a passionate kiss under the mistletoe which caused the machine youkai to blush and babble incoherently.
Flandre received two Logitech dual action USB controllers from Matt who was able to find them a Rinnosuke's store, Maria fixed her favorite stuffed bear that she accidentally blew up some time ago. Maria used magically strengthened threads to prevent the same outcome as last time. Dan gave Flandre a couple bottles of type AB blood(*x11). And AILC downloaded and installed emulators for the NES, SNES, Sega Genesis, Sega Saturn, Nintendo 64, Playstation 1 and 2, Nintendo Gamecube, and Xbox. AILC also torrented all the ROMs and ISO images for each emulator(*x12).
Maria Got an assortment of Cat toys from Dan who sat and "awwwww~'d" at her for the rest of the night. She also got a magic-driven motorcycle from Matt, 5,000 yen from Flandre, and a minecraft account from AILC.
Rumia got a large sirloin steak from Flan, a watch from Matt; which was the same one that he made back when Dan was still hunting them, Maria gave her the cloaking device that she got from Dan in the outside would. Now that she was in Gensokyo, she had no need for it, and she thought Rumia could pull some pretty good pranks with it.
AILC received a 4 GB DDR3 RAM expansion from Maria, and Matt said that His present to AILC was going to take a little longer, so it would have to be a late Christmas present.
That evening, Maria was cuddling in Dan's lap while Dan snuggled her and rubbed her head against his cheek. Everyone else had already gone to sleep. He looked up from Maria, and gazed at seemingly nothing. "Merry Christmas everyone, and a happy new year!"
The End…
Of the Christmas special that is. The actual plot however is to be continued.
[AN]: Oh I'm so sorry Youmu!
* Eating babies is something that Dan's real-world counterpart jokes about quite often. Remember, it's only a joke. Please don't hate on me~! Anyway, Dan's counterpart, who happens to be my best friend, and helps me write this fic; has a very morbid sense of humor, and the vilest mouth of anyone I know.
** The computer youkai, that's me! I am the computer youkai, Sweebation. (Or at least I'm role-playing as him) If you want to see what I look like, find Sweebation on deviantart. My profile should be the link for my homepage.
*** In my understanding, Yuyuko did indeed eat Mystia during the events of Imperishable Night. So, who's to say she doesn't do it again. Besides, youkai respawn. And yes, I am aware that the first sentence of this footnote is pretty much a direct quote from the Magnificent Sasquach.
**** A reference to The Hobbit. I pretty sure Troll hole is the name of a chapter.
***** According to negative bullet, Sukima no youkai is the mythical name for Yukari just a small shout-out to ya SorrowfulReincarnation
****** Seriously, if you don't know who Microsoft Sam is, then you must be living under a rock. Anyone who has been on the internet for any amount of time should know what a roflcopter is. If you go to the text-to-speech function on a windows XP computer, and type in "Soi", then Microsoft Sam will make the famous roflcopter noise.
******* Yes! I did it! I parodied How The Grinch Stole Christmas! I am a genius!
Rumia: And a narcissist.
I am not!
Rumia: Is that so?
Ugh! Just shut up Rumia! Anyway,Dan is our Grinch, and Gunethre's army base is Whoville. Yeah, I know it's not accurate to the original story it's parodying, but remember, Gunethre is pure evil, so do you really want Dan be nice to him? BTW, the reason I replaced "bad banana" with "bad apple" in The Grinch song? Do I really need to say it? Anyone who is a long-time Touhou fan should know "Bad Apple!". I have a great singing voice, so maybe I'll post it on YouTube sometime.
******** This is a quote from apocalypse now. If you haven't seen the movie, then go see it! It's a wonderful movie. I learned all about the movie when I was living in the computer of a film analysis student.
********* YESH! A reference to Monty Python! In The Holy Grail, the black night gets both his arms cut off and insists he can still fight. When he does this, Aurther says "Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left!" The black knight promptly responds "Yes I have." To which Aurther points out "Look!" The black Knight looks at both his arms, and then says his famous line: "It's just a flesh wound." Then charges at Aurther.
********** Geez! What is this, the… tenth footnote? Anyway, a Bokuto is a type of wooden Bokken wooden training sword used for kendoka exercises, but it can be used by all kendo students.
*********** According to folklore, Type AB blood is a delicacy for vampires. Dan is Type AB. Nuff said.
************ ZOMG! 12 footnotes! I've got a lot to explain about emulators. The term emulator means to copy or imitate, but the type I'm referring to is a computer program that imitates a video game console. ROMs are for cartridge based systems, and ISOs are disk images that are used for any CD, DVD, or blu-ray based system. Torrenting is a type of mass download. When you download a torrent, you actually download a file that tells the torrent client where to find bits and pieces of files. Whew, got that out of the way.
Ah, and so this concludes our Christmas special. I think this chapter has the most footnotes of any I've released yet. I mean, wow! 10 footnotes? I hope you all enjoyed this parody of How The Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol Anyway, there's more serious stuff on the horizon, but for now, I just wanted to have fun with this. I hope you all enjoyed my parody of You're a mean one Mr. Grinch. I want to thank my good friend who Dan is based on for helping me write the sparring scene with Youmu. (I suck at sword fights).
Also, before anyone comments about this, even though Matt and Rumia's spiritual age may be different (I don't know Rumia's), Their physical age is the same. They both appear to be about 12 years old, and BTW, Dan is about 21 in Pysical age, and this fic's version of Flan is about 8 in physical age. Maria is also about 12. Another thing is that you might notice the swears from Dan being a bit moar creative this time around. That would be because they were actually written by the person that Dan is based off of in this chapter. But I really want to thank all of you. As I've said before, your reviews are what give me motivation to keep writing. As well as serve as a good meal. This is the computer youkai, signing off.