Author's Note:Sorry for the long wait folks, it's been written for ages I just haven't had a chance to upload it. There are also two epilogues which should hopefully both be up very soon and then I can leave poor Janice alone for a bit - I've put her through a bit of an emotional roller coaster in this series!
Janice sank back into her aeroplane seat, closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She had spent the last two days on autopilot, packing and preparing for the holiday to Benidorm and had tried to put her worries to the back of her mind. It was easier said than done though and now that she had a couple of hours where she had nothing but her thoughts to occupy her; the sinking, numb feeling in the pit of her stomach had come back to haunt her. Mick had occupied himself by flicking through the in-flight entertainment and had settled on a repeat episode of Top Gear and Michael was currently glued to his Nintendo DS. Janice couldn't get Caroline out of her mind and the regret at never being able to see each other again overwhelmed her. She had been thoroughly depressed over the last few weeks and unable to eat much or to focus on anything other than how miserable she felt. She felt so incredibly guilty for pushing Mick away whenever he tried to coax a laugh out of her or to talk about something other than the weather. Mick was a decent bloke, lovely in fact, and she really did love him. However, that love had turned platonic at some point in the last nineteen years, or had it always been? What she felt for Caroline had been far more than the lust she'd assumed it was when they had first met; that thought and the consequences of it frightened her. She felt trapped by her circumstances; by her thoughts and feelings as they swirled around her head. Was this really who she was, who she had been all her life? Had she really just thrown away a chance to be completely happy, as she was meant to be, or was she doing the right thing by staying with Mick and making the best of things? Janice felt so alone, so isolated from everyone else around her. She had no one to talk to about all this confusion going on inside of herself and weighed down by the guilt of deceiving her family she wondered what sort of a person she truly was.
The closer they got to Spain the more Janice began to panic and feel trapped by the flight. The last thing she wanted was to be reminded of where she and Caroline had met and where everything had changed. She flushed hot and cold and experienced a moment where she felt like she couldn't breathe. Consciously she tried to calm herself down and relax back into her seat, clearing her mind as she did so. But she couldn't reclaim that control; the thoughts, memories and feelings assaulted her from all sides and the aeroplane and its passengers faded into the background as her panicked breathing spiralled out of her control. She wanted to cry, scream and shout all at once but nothing but breathless gasps came from her mouth. At first it was barely noticeable but the more she panicked the more she couldn't breathe. Janice felt her heart clench inside her ribcage and she held her hands up to her chest in a subconscious effort to soothe her straining lungs. She couldn't focus on her surroundings and lost her grasp of where she was and who she was with. All she could feel was an overwhelming panic and that she couldn't breathe. Maybe this was it and she was going to die from a heart attack right here on the plane? She would never have the chance to repair all the damage she had done; to tell Caroline that she loved her and to apologise to Mick for messing him around. She would never she her grandson grow into a little boy or to see Michael grow into a man or see Telle settled with Geoff. The world around her faded in and out and she just about made out a voice next to her, desperately trying to bring her back to reality.
Michael turned to his mum and watched as she gasped for breath next to him. Her face was flushed with the effort and her eyes were worryingly glazed over and unfocused. He nudged his dad as he reached over and put an arm around his mum. Janice unconsciously shrugged him off as she struggled in her seat. By now the passengers around them had begun to notice she was unwell and murmurs rose up from their seats. Mick leapt across Michael and pushed his way out of their row. He crouched down beside Janice in the aisle and held her hand as she tried to focus on him and his voice. The other passengers' whispering had reached the cabin crew and Mick suddenly found a first aider next to him and between them they eventually helped to calm Janice down. Michael had been pushed to one side in the confusion and was left sitting in his seat crying with worry about his mum after she had been escorted to a quiet area. A kind, elderly lady had sat with him for a while and had given him a comforting cuddle, but it wasn't enough to allay his fears over his mum's health. He couldn't help but think of Caroline and wished she was there to tell him everything was going to be alright.
Once the plane had landed and everyone had filed off, paramedics met the Garvey clan and escorted them to the first aid area in the airport. Janice was checked over and asked questions about what had happened and if she'd experienced anything like that before. Mick was shocked to hear that she'd had a similar attack a couple of weeks ago on her way to the supermarket. He wondered why she hadn't said anything at the time and felt guilty for the fact that she had coped with it alone. There was nothing medically they could do for Janice and suggested she take it easy for a few days, recommending that once she was home she made an appointment with her GP. After an hour or so they were free to continue to Benidorm and begin their holiday.
"What 'ave you done to 'er? She looks in a right state!" Madge scolded her son-in-law. If Mick hadn't known any better he would have said that the older woman was worried.
"Ssh! The paramedics said she needed to rest." Mick brought his voice to a whisper and joined Madge in the living room.
"What's been going on Mick? She's obviously not right." Madge had also lowered her volume, now mindful of her exhausted daughter sleeping in the next room.
"I don't know Madge, I've tried to understand, I really have, but she's closed herself off to me. It's got something to do with Caroline I know that much." Mick wandered aimlessly around the small living room and brushed through his close-cropped hair with his hands, an indication of his agitation.
"That frigging American dyke? I might have known it! If she's done something…"
"I don't think so. You know they've stopped seeing each other?"
"It's about bloody time! I never understood what possessed you to agree to them shagging in the first place." Madge was her usual blunt self, especially when it came to matters she neither cared about nor understood.
"Janice needed a friend…" Madge scoffed at this.
"Funny sort of friend!"
"Alright, not a friendbut whatever it was they had."
"Did you ever talk to 'er about it?"
"A bit, not really."
"You're a useless lump ain't yer? I'll drag it out of 'er don't you worry!"
"Madge...just go easy yeah? She'll be fragile fer a few days."
"Fragile my arse! She's not too old to be spoken to by 'er mother!"
Janice couldn't exactly say she'd had a peaceful rest, but the extra hours of sleep had done her some good and she didn't feel quite as drained as she had done yesterday afternoon when they'd stepped off the plane. Unfortunately Madge had decided that she was set on getting some answers from her daughter. They'd settled themselves in a quiet corner by the bar and were discussing Caroline's involvement in all of this.
"So what 'append between yer then? She get bored of yer? Went off with someone less...frumpy?"
"Thanks Mam! I know where to come when I want to throw meself off a bridge!" Janice took a long sip of her drink and steeled herself for some truth-telling. She gulped down the alcoholic beverage and looked her mother square in the eye.
"If you must know Caroline told me that she 'ad fallen in love with me."
"Oh right, so yer what...a queer now, is that it? That's what they do ain't it? Recruit perfectly innocent heterosexual people." The thought of her daughter being one of 'them' was quite unnerving to Madge. She'd got on well enough with gay men, but for some reason lesbians tended to set her on edge. Women should be women in her book, not some butch, man-wannabe.
"Mam, don't be ridiculous! Would yer listen to me? Caroline hasn't 'corrupted' me or 'turned' me, I was this way before I met 'er." It was only as she said it that everything finally started to fall into place for Janice.
"But….but…. You 'ad boyfriends, you married Mick, you had two kids t'gether…"
"Yes, but there was also Lauren, Rebecca and Siobhan."
"You didn't….?"
"Not at the time, no."
"I don't understand it."
"I'm only just beginning to meself. I was always told it were wrong, to feel that way about another woman an' I wanted kids, I really wanted kids and I knew, at least at the time, that I couldn't be gayand have 'em. Mick was the first man I loved and I did love 'im, but there was always that feeling of something...missing. A chemistry, a passion that I always thought two people in love should have. And then I found it in Caroline."
"A woman could never give yer what a man can, it just ain't natural."
"Mother! It's the most natural thing in the world; it feels just as natural as the love I have for me kids."
"So what are yer saying? That yer in love with the flash American lesbo?" Janice gave her mother an exasperated sigh.
"I wouldn't 'ave put it quite like that, but yeah I'm in love with Caroline." And oh god, what a relief it was to finally say it aloud, even if it wasn't to the person she needed to say it to the most.
"Well there's nothing you can do about it, thought you'd stopped seeing each other?"
"That's the problem. I thought I could just go back to the way things were before, with Mick, but my feelings for Caroline are just too strong. I even tried having sex with him and it made it so much worse." Janice buried her head in her hands as the guilt over that particular night bubbled up to the surface. Madge raised an eyebrow at the revelation.
"So you two haven't been..?" The older woman had always been lead to believe her daughter had quite an active sex life, so was suitably surprised to discover that piece of information, especially as Mick hadn't said anything about it.
"Not for weeks. And to be perfectly honest I lost interest months ago." To be absolutely honest, pretty much the moment she had met Caroline. It had been that feeling of butterflies in her stomach, a heightened sexual anticipation and something altogether new and more powerful than she'd ever felt before.
"You're an idiot, you know that don't yer? Throwing away a perfectly decent man and for what?" Janice snorted.
"That's rich coming from you! Since when were you Mick's biggest advocate?"
"When you turned all lesbian and threw away any chance you 'ad of being normal!"
"Michael, at last! What's going on?" Caroline's voice was panicked and there was a sense of urgency to her tone. Michael sat in the Solana reception alone, having made his excuses so that he could make his telephone call in private.
"I don't really know. Mam's okay now but she went funny on the plane. I thought she were going to die." Caroline tried not to take a ten year old's view of things as gospel, but she couldn't help the clench of her heart at his words.
"Is she in hospital?" Caroline knew that she couldn't allow herself to worry Michael further, so tried to keep her tone of voice neutral, rather than convey the absolute worry she felt for Janice in that moment.
"No, the people on the plane calmed her down and some ambulance men talked to her when we landed. They just said she's got to rest after she told them it wasn't the first time she felt funny."
"What's she doing now?" Michael went over to the poolside entrance and spotted his Nan's scooter in the bar area. He could see that both his mum and nan were talking rather animatedly and by the looks on their faces, it wasn't about the lovely weather they were having.
"She's talking to me Nana, but I think they're arguing more than talking." Caroline made a decision and although rather nervous, she was desperate to find out what on earth had been going on.
"Take the phone to her and tell her I want to talk to her."
"But I thought you weren't talking to each other?"
"Sometimes, when people have been silly and said some things they shouldn't have, and then something bad happens, it could be a sign that you need to apologise and be friends again."
"Alright! I want you two to make up. I really miss you Auntie Caroline."
"Well let's just see if your mother will talk to me first yeah?" Michael continued talking to Caroline as he went outside and over to Janice and Madge.
"Mam...?" He interrupted Madge in full flow of a rant and made out some words he probably shouldn't have heard. Janice turned to her son but went to dismiss him in her worked up state.
"Michael love, yer Nana and I are talking." Michael held out the phone to Janice to try and get her attention.
"It's important, Auntie Caroline wants to talk to you." Janice had to do a double take and instantly forgot about her argument with her mother.
"What?!" The shock and surprise was evident in her voice.
"I told her you weren't well and she got worried. We've been emailing each other." Michael seemed quite proud of this fact.
"Yer what?! Give us that phone." Janice took the phone from Michael's outstretched hand and sat up a little straighter in her chair.
"Hello?" Janice tentatively asked into Michael's mobile, not believing it could be Caroline on the other end.
"Janice! Thank god! Please tell me you're okay? What's been going on?" Just hearing Janice's voice began to set her mind at ease, but there was still so much to talk about.
"Just...just give me a minute." Janice looked between her mother and Michael and stood to leave. She mouthed and waved that she was going for a walk so that she could continue her phone call in private. Madge wasn't at all pleased but Michael appeared to be quite happy at this new development.
"I just needed to get away from me mother. Caroline, what are yer doing phoning Michael?"
"Janice, I promise I'll explain that later. Right now the most important thing is you. What happened on the plane? Are you sure you're okay now? I was really worried." Janice sighed deeply and knew she had to tell the truth, Caroline would see right through her otherwise.
"I had a panic attack and it wasn't the first time. It was like I couldn't breathe and me chest 'urt like I was 'aving a heart attack. I was okay when I got on the plane, but all of a sudden I wasn't an' I had no way of escaping."
"Do you know what brought it on?"
"Caroline, I've been so alone these last few weeks. I tried to fit back into my old life, be who I was before and I couldn't. I did something awful and I feel so guilty, I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Oh Honey! I'm so, so sorry. I should never have told you…well, what I told you."
"Sweetheart, of course you should 'ave, because I feel the same way and you know I do. This is all such a mess."
"Are you serious? I thought you wanted to go back to Mick?"
"I want you Caroline. It's been you fer months, I just didn't want to admit it."
"God, this isa mess! What do you want to do? You know you and Michael have a home with me if that's what you want? That goes without saying Honey."
"Are you sure? Do you know what you would be taking on?"
"I love you, and everything that comes with you. I know what that entails and I'm ready for it."
"What should I do?"
"Why don't you come home, to London, and we can talk, really talk, about the future?"
"Okay, I'll book a flight and let you know the details. Caroline, you know I l..."
"I know Honey, you don't have to say it."
Janice found Mick relaxing by the pool as he supervised Michael swimming.
"Mick...?" Janice tentatively approached him and sat on the sun bed normally reserved for herself. She didn't feel she deserved that now, especially once she had talked honestly about their future.
"Jan! What's going on love? Michael said you had a call from Caroline." Janice looked around and saw that it wasn't particularly busy but she didn't want to have this conversation here.
"We need to talk, but not 'ere. Let's go back to the apartment." Mick looked up at her and saw the worry on her face.
"You sound serious." Janice fidgeted on the seat and played with her hands in her lap.
"It is. I really think we ought to go somewhere more private." Mick looked around them and saw that Michael was happily splashing about with another lad his age.
"Just tell me what it is love, Michael's occupied and there's no one we know around." Janice sighed deeply, she had to tell him as soon as she could and before she lost her courage. He didn't seem to be too receptive to her subtle hints so he was going to have to put up with the setting. She took his hands in hers and looked him in the eye. There was no point in shying away from the truth now.
"You're the best man I have ever known. You've been such a wonderful father and so very kind and understanding to me recently. You've given me nineteen wonderful years an' I don't regret a single day. But all these years I've suppressed who I really was and I finally have a chance to be completely myself. Caroline has made me very happy over the last year and we split up because she told me that she had fallen in love with me. I didn't want to acknowledge that I felt the same, so I tried to make it work with you again. But it were too late Mick, that missing part of me has been found and I can't turn away from her." Janice was relieved to finally get it out in the open but the crushed look on Mick's face broke her heart and the guilt she had been feeling all these weeks began to build up again.
"If I'm honest with meself I knew I'd lost yer to Caroline, but I thought once you'd stopped seeing each other we might just have a chance again. I know you've been struggling recently and I had hoped this 'oliday would put it right. Just answer me this Jan, did you ever love me?" Mick sounded so broken and his voice was choked with emotion.
"Oh Mick, of course I did, I still do, very much so. I mean it, you are a wonderful man an' you're the only man I've ever loved. But I'm inlove with Caroline; there's a connection between us, chemistry I suppose, that I just can't explain."
"So what are yer going to do?"
"I'm taking the first flight I can get back to London. Caroline and I need to talk."
"Are yer leaving me?"
"Yes Mick, I'm leaving you." Mick looked out onto the pool and swallowed hard as he watched Michael playing.
"And what about Michael?"
"There's a home for him with me and Caroline in London."
"No Jan, please don't take me son away from me! What will I have left?" Tears fell from Mick's eyes and Janice felt awful for being the reason he was so upset.
"E's my son too and I don't want to leave 'im behind. Besides, he and Caroline have a special bond and I know they've missed each other terribly over the last few months."
"He's my son, not hers! Don't leave me with nothing after all these years!"
"I'm sorry Mick but I want Michael too. We'll have to try to work something out when the time comes."
Caroline waited nervously for Janice to emerge from the baggage claim area. Even though they had spoken on the phone she wasn't sure quite what their reunion was going to be like. She was also worried in case Janice had suffered another panic attack on the plane. She was desperate to see the younger woman, not truly believing she was alright until she'd witnessed it herself. Many passengers passed her by in a blur from the Alicante flight. She was confident she would be able to spot Janice a mile off though, so she wasn't worried about missing her. After the initial five minute rush, Caroline saw Janice appear through the gates and watched as she scanned the area for her. Caroline's breath caught in her throat and tears of relief sprang to her eyes. Janice looked exhausted and she'd clearly lost weight, but Caroline would soon remedy that. She waved in Janice's direction as she slowly walked over to her. Finally the younger woman spotted her and she waved back with a relieved smile on her face. They met halfway and Janice let go of her suitcase in favour of wrapping her arms around the American woman and sobbing her heart out. Caroline wasn't ashamed to admit that she was crying just as hard. With their faces pressed into each other's necks it was difficult to speak and be heard but the older woman made out Janice's mantra of 'I'm sorry' anyway. Caroline pulled back a little way and held Janice's face in her hands to look her straight in the eye.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just so glad that you're here. I've missed you, so very much." Janice looked down as more tears fell from her eyes. She gently shook her head in disagreement but Caroline lifted her chin back up with a finger.
"Let's go home; we can talk about this later." Caroline loosened her hold on Janice and prepared to leave the airport.
"Wait!" Janice's voice stopped the American in her tracks and Caroline briefly wondered if the last thirty-six hours had all been a dream.
"I wanted to...I need to..." Janice stepped back towards Caroline and slid her hands up to tangle in her hair, bringing her head down towards her own.
"I love you." Janice proudly proclaimed before she kissed the older woman like it had been the three months they had been separated. Eventually they broke apart and rested their foreheads together whilst they caught their breath.