Chapter 6: Trying to Deal (Part 2)

"What makes you think I'm scared?" Emma asked Dr. Mitchell.

"Observation really. Emma you've been numb ever since you found out. It's as if you don't want to acknowledge what's happening to your body despite the fact that you chose not to have an abortion."

"Is that what the doctor and the guards tell you?"

"Some of it but in the short time you've been here I've noticed you're very cautious about how you fold your arms or how you keep them to the side. You're afraid to touch yourself. What's holding you back?"

Emma looked up. She could feel her eyes getting wet. She didn't need this, she didn't want it."

"It's okay to talk to me Emma. You can open up in here."

"I don't open up to anyone."

"There must be someone you've opened up to? A person can't go alone in this world no matter how hard they try."

Emma stood up and walked to the window in the office. The sun was bright out as it always was here, blinding even. There wasn't much to see really. Though her corrections facility was located in Phoenix it was somewhat on the outskirts in the desert area. She crossed her arms over her bulge still very cautious and feeling uncomfortable about placing her arms there but having them at the side didn't feel right.

"There was once," Emma said to Dr. Mitchell.

"What happened?"

Emma sighed. She hated having her head examined by the corrections shrink but then logic set in. The quicker she talked the fewer sessions she would possibly have; at least that reasoning made the most sense.

"He got me sent here," Emma said with distain.

"So you're scared to be pregnant not just because of your own family but because of someone you loved?"

Emma turned to Dr. Mitchell. "Why are you doing this because it's your job? You can shrink heads anywhere, why here?"

This time it was Dr. Mitchell's turn to take a breath and sigh. "My mother was incarcerated when I was younger, similar reason to yours, blue collar misdemeanors. The counselors there didn't really care. To them it was just a job. I made a promise to her on one of my visits that I would become a psychologist to help people like her; that I would actually care about my patients. I wanted to show them that despite what society said, that they still matter and that they should be given a second chance at life. Not everyone has to repeat their same mistakes. Some people come in and out of here and they better themselves, they go on, start their lives over, start families. What I do isn't just a job to me. I care about the people I help."

Emma continued to look at Dr. Mitchell. She could see that the woman in front of her wasn't lying. She was telling the truth. There were no flaws; nothing to detect that Dr. Mitchell was just saying all of those things just so that she would open up to her, nothing to detect that she was making up lies just to get her to trust her.

"I believe you," Emma said silently.

Dr. Mitchell smiled and asked again. "What is it that scares you Emma?"

"So what's it been," Aaron asked giving Neal a coke as the two sat in his office over drinks and a couple of sub sandwiches, "Four years."

"Five actually," said Neal.

"Wow. And whose fault is that? You don't call, you don't email, text. If you hadn't come back I would've sworn you got transported to another world or something," Aaron joked.

Neal didn't take it that way though. He had always disliked when Aaron made those kinds of jokes.

"Seriously little brother, what brings you back to Arizona anyways?"

Neal shrugged. "No place like home I guess."

"Yeah right, you've been dying to get out of here since you were old enough. What changed?"

"I'm not the same guy who left here five years ago."

"Yeah I got that. The stealing Neal, really? You know mom would be pissed if she were still alive, right?"

"Then it's a good thing she was never really my mom then is it? I was just some charity case that she and your dad took in."

"Aw come on Neal don't start up with that crap again. You were never a charity case. Regardless of what you think she did love you."

"Sure she did."

"If she didn't would she have kept you around?" Neal said nothing. "Alright getting back to the real question: what are you really doing here? I haven't heard from you in five years and then you just show up as if nothing. What's up with that?"

"Like I said its home."

"No it's not. This has something to do with a girl doesn't it?"

"Why do you care Quip?"

"I care because regardless of what you may say about mom I'm still your brother and believe it or not I do know what love looks like. Hell I've been in love with the same girl since high school. I married her for Christ sake. So where is this mystery girl of yours?"

Neal stood up suddenly losing his appetite. "In prison," Neal admitted.

"Shit, don't tell me this is the same girl that took the fall for you for those stolen watches?" Aaron asked standing up. "Damn it Neal, how could you do something so stupid?"

Neal turned to look at his brother. "It's not like that! I didn't have a choice."

"What the hell, what do you mean you didn't have a choice? A girl you supposedly love is doing time that should be yours."

"She is but it was the only way."

"Only way for what?"

"I can't get into the specifics. I just had to do right by her."

"And you call putting her in prison doing right by her?"

"It's complicated all right. I had a good reason. With me in her life I would've just held her back. There's a greater purpose for her and it's not with me."

"What the hell is all that supposed to mean?"

Neal shook his head. "Nothing," Neal said giving up on the conversation. "Look I'm just sticking around to make sure she's okay. I appreciate you getting me the job but she's the only reason I'm here."

"She's in jail Neal, I doubt she'll ever be okay and you know what's worse, this girl you supposedly love is going to end up hating you. You can make excuses and say that you had a good reason for what you did but it's not going to change the fact that you put her there in the first place."

Neal sighed. "I have to get back to work."

Emma sighed and continued to look out the window. "A lot of things," Emma admitted answering Dr. Mitchell's question.

"Like what?"

"I was raised without a mother. I wouldn't even know how to be one," Emma said. "At the same time I'm angry at her. I'm angry at this stranger that I don't even know. How does a mother decide to give up her own child? What reason is there? And I know there are a lot of them out there. Growing up in the system it wasn't hard to find out why other parents gave up their kids but it's like my own don't even exist. No one has found them. Can a person be that lost that there's no record of them at all?"

"Maybe they just don't want to be found."

"Maybe or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough."

"You said there were a lot of things that scare you about your own pregnancy. Why can't you acknowledge that? Why are you so numb to it?"

"I'm not just angry at my mother, I'm angry at myself and at my ex-boyfriend."

"The baby's father," Dr. Mitchell asked.

"Yeah," Emma said lowering her head in defeat. "This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to be getting our lives together, moving to Florida, being happy. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I'm angry at myself for trusting him and I'm angry at him for leaving a piece of himself inside me. It's a constant reminder of how damaged he left me."

"Is that how you see yourself, as damaged?" Emma nodded. "You want to know what I see? I see a young girl who still has a lot to learn in life, a young girl who messed up but isn't that far broken to be redeemed. You can have that life you wanted Emma. You're stronger than you know I think. You just have to believe that."

"I don't believe much in anything."

"Maybe not now but someday you will. You'll get out of here and you'll do better."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Well for one, I've read your file. I know that this is your first offense. Out of all the crimes out there this really is nothing. It's a juvenile file so it won't count against you in the long run. And for another yes you may have made a mistake and you may have had a hard life but neither of those has to define who you are or who you can become. I mean just look at the difficult choice you've all ready had to make, you chose to keep your baby when you could've easily decided to have an abortion. What made you decide that? What made you decide to overlook all of your anger in place for the child inside of you?"

Emma sighed. "It's not his fault," Emma said. "I couldn't let him pay the price for my screw up."

"So you want to give him a chance."

"Yeah I guess."

"You said 'him' so it's a boy?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to see the ultrasound last week. I just think it's a boy."

Dr. Mitchell smiled, "Well sometimes a mother just knows."

Emma stayed silent for a moment as did Dr. Mitchell. She looked at the clock on the wall.

"I'm sorry Emma, but it seems we're out of time. I want to do these sessions once a week."

"Are you serious?"

"I may have gotten you to open up today but I think there's still a lot we need to work through. I'll schedule a session for the time after your doctor's appointment."

"Fine," Emma said reluctantly agreeing to it.

"Good, I'll see you next week then. Take care of yourself Emma and of your boy. You're in charge of this other life now."

Emma sighed, "Yeah I know. Too many people keep reminding me of that."