Bam, bam, bam. I shot up in bed, alarmed and alert. Bam, bam, bam. I rolled my eyes and kicked the sheets from my legs. "It's just the door, Katniss. You're paranoid." I thought to myself.

My bare feet padded down the hallway as I adjusted my shorts that had hiked up my thighs during my nightly thrashing. Who would be knocking on the door at this hour? It wasn't very light in the house, which hinted that it must be before 8:00. It could have been Sae, but she's been walking right into the house in the mornings for months, so why would she start knocking now?

I reached the tall door and flung it open, a small grin on my face as I wondered if it might have been Peeta. The grin slid right off my face. "Mornin', sweetheart."

Haymitch didn't bother waiting for my word to allow him in. He just pushed right past me and the stench of alcohol that rolled from his breath about knocked me over. That's when I noticed the open bottle of rum sloshing around in his hand.

I pushed the door shut and turned around to face him, my arms folded across my chest. He was stumbling in the middle of the room, looking left and right as if he had never been in my house before.

"You're up early," I shot at him.

He spun on his heel, holding his unoccupied hand out to steady himself. "So are you, I see." He shot back, looking me over once. "At least you don't look like the walking dead anymore."

"So I've been told," I said, walking forward and bumping his shoulder as I passed. He stumbled and started after me. "Why are you here?" I inquired, going straight to the counter to pour me a glass of water.

"Oh," He drawled, slamming his liquor down on the counter. "Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly visit."

I laughed without humor. "Friendly visit? You and I?" I feigned disbelief in my voice.

He smiled. It was a love-hate relationship between Haymitch and I. "Actually, I'm here to see if you got your tapes yet."

Tapes? My eyebrows knitted together. "What tapes?"

"You know, from the doc. Told me he'd sent 'em when he called last night."

I held the glass of water to my lips and it stayed there for a moment. I sat it back down on the counter after a minute of thinking. The box.

I walked around the counter and by Haymitch to the living room and right to the loveseat, where I had carelessly tossed the box that I had received yesterday. After getting home, I had lost all interest and curiosity in it and just headed upstairs to bed.

Now, I sat down next to it and peeled open the top, revealing two smaller black boxes with gold lettering.

The top one read, "The 74th Hunger Games" and sent a fit of shivers down my spine. I stared at the tape without really seeing it. Why would they send these tapes to me? What made them think that I wanted to re-live that?

What was it that the note had said last night? "I sent them in hopes that they might help both you and Peeta with your recovery." Sometimes Dr. Aurelius said some things that I didn't quite follow or maybe just didn't want to consider. But this just made me question his sanity.

I dropped the tape in disgust and spun to face Haymitch. "You told him to send these?"

He came closer to see over the top of the loveseat. "I suggested it a while back. Guess the doc thought it'd be a good idea."

Anger bubbled inside of me. "And what made either of you think that this," I threw my arms over in a gesture to the tapes. "Would be a good idea?"

"Look, Katniss," Haymitch began, slumping over the edge of the sofa. "Juss thought that maybe, when the time comes, you two could look through these tapes. Probably help the boy more than you. But the doc thought it might help him more if you were watchin' with him. Be there to assure him that what he sees on the tape is real. Remember, the last time the boy saw these, he was being injected with tracker-jacker venom. He doesn't have a clear memory of what really happened during the games."

I stood up off of the loveseat. "He won't do it. He won't spend any more time with me like that. Peeta won't do anything that might trigger another flashback," I was ranting off, shaking my head.

Haymitch took a long swig from the bottle before running the back of his hand over his mouth and asking, "Have you seen him lately?"

I just nodded, looking down. When he didn't say anything, I realized that he was expecting a better answer from me. "I went over yesterday. We looked over his old paintings together."

There was a smile tugging at the corners of Haymitch's cracked red lips. "Well, it's about time."

"What are you talking about?"

He laughed. "You just don't get it, do you girl?"

"Don't get what? What are you rattling about, Haymitch?" My temper was hiking again. This man really knew how to tick me off.

"You know damn well what I'm talkin' about. That boy's been struggling for the past month, and what have you done? Sat out in those trees and forgotten the rest of the world," His words hit me harder than they should have.

"What was I supposed to do? He's the one that would refuse to see me!"

"He was keepin' his distance. Didn't wanna blow up like he did." Haymitch reasoned. "He was protecting you. But you should have made an effort, talked him into coming around sooner than yesterday. You may not be the one for words but you're the only one that kid listens to. He needed you. He needs you just as much as you need him."

I opened my mouth to deny it. Haymitch cut me off before I got a word out, though. "You can't deny it every time, Katniss. You feel for that boy. Not all of that was fake in the arena. You know it as well as I do,"

For a moment, I just stood there, staring him down. Finally, I just shook my head and looked away. Haymitch's chuckle was quiet.

"Hell, if you're that good of an actress, I oughtta get ya a spot in that drama that Panem plays every Thursday evening." Those were his departing words until he reached the door. I still hadn't moved from my place.

"You're the most selfish thing I know if you plan to keep on taking everything that kid has to offer and not giving anything in return." Slam. The force of Haymitch shutting the door rattled the nearby window.

I stood there for a while, boiling in my own anger. Was I mad at Haymitch? Yes, but not nearly as much as I thought I would be. Was I upset about the recent conversation? Of course I was. But the thing that was really bothering me was that Haymitch was right.

I don't know that he was right about everything he said. But I did know that I was selfish. Extremely so. Peeta has always been there, backing me up. Supporting me in every way, shape, and form. He gave me everything he had when he loved me. And I played along, lead him on, all to keep the audience content and give us some chance of surviving the wrath of the Games. The wrath of the Capitol.

But the Games are long gone. I ensured that when I sent that arrow blazing through Coin's cold heart. And the Capitol, it isn't the same. The Capitol is no longer set out for our deaths. So what was it now that I wanted from Peeta?

"That boy needs you as much as you need him." Did I need Peeta? "No," I wanted to tell myself. But I sat on the edge of the sofa and went back to a time in District 13, in the heat of the rebellion. I was without Peeta. And miserable. There was a constant ache that followed me and a pain when he was in the same room, sitting in a chair next to an interviewer with blue eyeliner, so close that I could reach up and touch him on the television set and yet, so many miles away.

Then I was taken back to only a few days previous, when I was sitting beneath the willow in the woods as I did on a daily basis. I was crying, but not for my usual reasons. I wasn't weeping for the people that were lost because of me; I wasn't shedding tears while thinking of Prim and all of the things that we didn't get to say. I was crying for Peeta. I was crying for all of the moments that would be lost between us, for the possibility of never having him to confide in, for the thought that the Capitol couldn't completely break me by taking Peeta, but that Peeta himself could break me by removing himself from me.

Did I need Peeta? Yes. I needed Peeta but would never admit it. And that was selfish as well. But did I need Peeta in the way that he needed me? That was a question for another day, to be answered another time, but it was also a question that I feared. Once I answered that question for myself, there would be no going back to ignoring my feelings. I preferred staying in the shadows, not allowing myself to embrace emotion because if you don't feel, you can't get hurt. For a girl that has lost almost everything that she loves, it is better to live without feeling. After all, what was it that mother told me when I once asked how she dealt with the death of a patient that she had worked so hard to save?

"Ignorance is bliss, Katniss."

Just a reminder to all my readers: Please, please, please review! Reviews are what keep me going. And, this being my first story, it's really nice to have some feedback. Thanks to all, once again, and I can't wait to see what you have to say about the story so far.