I know, it's been an awful long time since I've last updated. Please don't hate me for it. I was hoping to make this longer for you guys, but this was as good as I could get it. I did try to throw in something exciting for those of you that have been waiting. :) I really hope you enjoy it and can give me some thoughts/ideas about where you think this could be going.
Also, because it's been so long, I did include the last bit of the previous chapter so that you guys aren't completely lost. And just because I haven't told you in a while, I want all of you readers, followers, reviewers, and especially those who have this story on their list of Favorites to know that you are amazing! I'll shut up now so you guys can read "To Shut You Up." ;) Love you all!
(... They cut out the scene of my fellow District 12 members, many of them dead now, pressing three fingers to their lips and holding them out in my direction in respect, admiration, farewell. But they couldn't cut out the entire scene. Then, Effie was pulling another slip from the ball and, from her heavily painted lips came the name, "Peeta Mellark!"
Slowly, the cameras zeroed him out. Realization sunk into his features as he pushed his way through the crowd. He met me at the top and, as instructed, we shook hands. At that time, we had no idea that we would become the star-crossed lovers. We were not anticipating our victory and especially not to be reaped yet again for the Quarter Quell. We were not expecting to be the cores of an uprising, a rebellion.
"And may the odds be ever in your favor." Nobody said it like Effie Trinket. And as I watched Peeta and I on the screen, I saw fear in our eyes. I saw disbelief. And as we stood up there, we had no clue that-
"The odds were always in our favor." Peeta's voice came from behind me and not on the screen. I whipped around to see him standing at the bottom of the stairs, leaning against the wall with his arms folded, the moonlight illuminating only half of his face. I hadn't heard him come down the stairs and I wasn't worried that he would be upset about me watching the Games. The only thing that I could think was: He was right. ...)
I felt numb as I slowly rose to my feet, my eyes never leaving his. In the background was the faint buzzing of voices, unmistakably those belonging to Claudius Templesmith and Caesar Flickerman, explaining the rules and regulations of the upcoming Games. Above their voices behind me came my own.
"You're supposed to be sleeping." I stated to Peeta through the darkness, bringing my chin up in the direction of the stairs. My voice was hard and the realness of it rung out just as Peeta's had. He moved then, allowing his arms to fall to his sides and pushed away from the wall he leaned against. Both halves of his face were now visible in the dim light, assigning his skin a very pale shine and casting dark shadows beneath his eyes that only accented my previous statement. Peeta needed all the sleep that he could get.
"Nightmares," He explained shortly, lowering his head and stepping forward. I swallowed loudly, watching him shuffle to the edge of the sofa and rest his hands on the side. Then he looked up, but not at me. His eyes stared over my head and on towards the television screen. I could hear the voices of both televised men laughing behind me, but I didn't turn. I was afraid to.
I was also afraid of what effect this would have on Peeta. I wanted to rush forward and push him from the room. I wanted to turn and slam the tape from the player. I wanted to destroy all traces of them even existing. But I couldn't will myself to move.
"Didn't know this was something you did in your free time." Peeta muttered with his strained eyes on the screen. I hated the way he said it, like it was an accusation. "It isn't." I snapped at him, a little too late to realize that I should be cautious with the things I say. This was dangerous territory that I was treading on. One slip up and Peeta could snap, I realized after reminding myself that these tapes were what had been used against his real memory. Against me.
Finally he pulled his gaze from the screen to examine me like I was the one that could flip personalities on him at any given time and I stared right back like the stubborn being I was. "How many times have you seen this?" He asked me after a second's silence. I shook my head. "Once. We watched it together."
Peeta's eyebrows pulled together in question. "We did?" Slowly, I nodded my head and silently scolded myself. Of course Peeta didn't remember that the same way that I did. "With Caesar. After the Games." He didn't reply, returning his eyes to what was now being played on the screen.
"When did you open them?" Was his next question. I stared at him, disbelieving that he could really be referring to the tapes. But what else would he be talking about? "How do you know about that?" My voice was hard again and this time, I didn't try to stop it from sounding so. I had kept the tapes out of sight, leaving nothing to be suspicious about. I certainly hadn't said anything about them to Peeta, and Sae knew nothing about them being here. He couldn't have known about them unless…
Haymitch. Anger bubbled under my skin towards that rotten, good-for-nothing drunk. It must have been one of his sick ways of getting back at me for something. Multiple words to describe Haymitch shot through my mind, words that my mother would be ashamed to hear coming from my mouth.
"I called him." Peeta's voice interrupted my long flow of nasty adjectives. My head was so caught up in thought, I had to clarify. "What? Called who?" My question was curious instead of accusing, as it was meant to sound. Peeta's hesitation tested my patience and I asked louder, "Who did you call, Peeta?"
He looked down at me before answering. "I called the doc." I should have felt bad for cussing Haymitch, but I didn't. I opened my mouth to speak again but Peeta cut me off. "Wait, just let me explain first. I had to do it, Katniss. That tree came down and I…I don't know, I just panicked. You passed out on me. I didn't know what to do, how to help you. So I called him." His words were rushed.
I wasn't sure what to say to him. I didn't know how to respond. I was furious that he had resulted in talking to Dr. Aurelius. I was even more furious that I could understand why he did. I had known that feeling, the desperation for answers when you didn't know what to do yourself. Before I could say anything, Peeta continued.
"He asked me if you had watched the tapes. He thought that maybe, with watching them sooner than you were ready, it could have triggered a reaction like that. He thought I already knew you had them, and I didn't tell him otherwise. I guessed that was what was in that box," I looked down, studying the patterns on the sofa and the way they sunk in with the pressure of Peeta's hands. "Please don't be mad, Katniss." His plead was hovering just above a whisper and although my eyes were down, I could see him lower his head to see my expression. I didn't move other than blink.
Seconds later, the patterns that I were studying on the sofa changed, dipping down towards Peeta's now clutching hands. Fear struck me at first, thinking that this was the start of a flashback. My eyes flicked to his face immediately, noting his blue eyes that were squinted in pain. He had lost his balance.
Suddenly, I was able to move. "Peeta," I said, rushing around the edge of the couch to place a steadying hand on his shoulder. "You shouldn't be up." He slowly straightened his arms against the edge, standing still, perhaps testing to see if he would lose it again. "I'm fine." I groaned in frustration and clasped my fingers around his forearm. "Just sit down before you fall down."
When he was finally settled on the couch, I realized that I had made a mistake. I should have taken him upstairs, away from the television that was playing out our history. It was too late for that now but I wouldn't leave it on. While Peeta positioned a pillow behind his neck, I stepped forward to cut the power. With fingers centimeters from the red button that would end my nightmare, he stopped me. "Don't. Leave it, Katniss."
I turned around to face him. "Peeta, neither one of us are ready for that." I pointed a finger towards the screen that was now playing out the tributes' scores. His head was still lowered slightly but his eyes were raised to meet mine. "How do you know?" He asked quietly. I simply stared at him, wondering how it was that he didn't already know. "We could do it, Katniss. Together."
How he talked me into it, I didn't know. I gave in much too easily for the Katniss that I know. Or knew. Who I was anymore was a constant question. On the screen, the Games had started. I sat on the sofa next to Peeta, often glancing from him to the Games to gauge his reactions. He didn't seem fazed in the slightest but then again, there wasn't much about these scenes that the tracker jacker venom could have changed. It was the ones with me in them that I had to worry about.
"Hey, lover boy!" I shuddered at the sound of Cato's voice on the screen, followed by a tinkling female laugh and a snide comment from none other than Rue's killer, Marvel. Although my eyes were averted, staring off to the dark wall to my left, I knew that this was when Peeta joined forces with the Careers. Even now, knowing that he didn't do it to hunt me down and slaughter me, I still had hard feelings towards it. Then the scenes shifted from various tributes, or the ones that had survived the first hours of the games at least, showing their techniques of traveling or finding shelter.
The camera first found Thresh, or his back, as he raced through some underbrush and dropped down into a small creek that bubbled up from the marshy ground. He was better off than the rest of us, other than the Careers guarding the stash, due to his quick finding of water. Then the scene flashed to the girl from District 8, hunkered over and holding her sides as her lungs struggled for breath after her desperate run. There was a quick flash of Foxface slinking around tree trunks, peeking behind her in intervals. I allowed myself to feel bad for just a moment, that Peeta and I had been the cause of her death and I still didn't know her name. Then the camera found me.
"Good to see you," The me on the screen was whispering to a large cottontail rabbit. I lingered for just a moment before sloping down into new terrain. Cato's voice emanated from the screen then, yet again, and the view shifted to a dark cluster of wood with nothing but the sound of voices and crunching feet. Slowly then, one by one, they came into view. First Glimmer with the bow thrown carelessly over her shoulder, then the rest with Peeta lagging at the back of the pack. I forced myself to look away again, although I knew this scene wouldn't last long.
I glanced at the real Peeta next to me and his intent focus on the figures in the woods. His expression stayed the same, with a confused furrow between his brows, until Clove's voice piped up on the television. "Well?" She demanded, stopping and spinning around to stare Peeta down. "We're going in the right direction. We've got to run into her sooner or later," Peeta's own voice echoed through the monitor. It was obvious who they were talking about, who they wanted to find. Who they wanted dead. "Well it better be sooner for your sake, twelve." Clove's voice pierced before either Cato or Glimmer shushed her into silence.
Peeta shifted next to me, his eyes glass and his lips slightly parted. "You must have hated me." He whispered, turning his head to see me. "You had me just as fooled as the people of Panem." I don't know why I said it but I guess it was a good enough answer to explain how I felt when I saw him with the Careers because in all honesty, I did hate him in that moment. I hated him for making me feel betrayed. I hated him for acting so cowardly. If the choices came down to joining the Careers or welcoming death, I would have taken the later with open arms. But I now understand why he did what he did. It was for me, not against me.
The scenes flickered back and forth between the remaining thirteen tributes and showed death scenes of a given few that were taken out the first day. Peeta's eyes never strayed but the scenes didn't grasp my attention until it showed the girl from 8 starting the fire. The camera zoomed out, revealing me in a nearby tree, elaborating on how shockingly close we were to one another. I closed my eyes though and brought my hands up to my ears to muffle the screams. I knew what was coming next and I didn't want to see it, especially knowing which one of them went back to finish the girl off when the cannon didn't fire.
The cameras found various others, like the girl from District 4 and the boy from 3. My heart wrenched when it zeroed in on Rue. She was crouched low to the ground, carefully examining a plant below her when the whistling birds to her right fell silent and, just as I had seen her do, she scurried up the nearest tree and was gone.
After, it was me on the screen again. Doing nothing at first but sleeping in my bag on the high branches of the tree, and then I was running. The flames were almost licking my heels as I ran on the television, smoke in all directions. I remembered the unbearable heat of the fire and how it was nearly just as choking as the smoke that I inhaled and I felt a tear leak from the corner of my eye and linger on my cheek. Prim was taken from me that way. She suffered the wrath of those orange, spindly fingers that turned everything in their path to ash. It was too much. All of it. First seeing Rue, alive and well on the screen, jumping from tree to tree in her signature escape route. Then thinking of my sister, remembering that heat and knowing that what she felt was much, much worse.
"Katniss?" I heard Peeta next to me. The neck of my t-shirt was soaked through. Even if I had turned to look at Peeta, I wouldn't have been able to see him. Just as soon as the tears would fall from my eyes and clear my vision, more would appear. "Katniss…" I flinched at his soft touch, although it wasn't intentional. Suddenly the room was a lot darker than it had been and I swiped my fist over my eyes to see that the tape had been turned off.
Next to me, the cushion sank with Peeta's weight. Strong arms enclosed my shoulders and were guiding me down until my cheek was resting on the soft fabric of his black shirt. I didn't protest, not having the energy or desire to do anything but let my tears out. I wanted it out. All of the sadness and regret and guilt that I felt, I wanted it all out of me. For a small naïve moment, I believed that it could be done if only these tears weren't inside anymore. "Shh…" Peeta soothed next to me, pressing softly against the top of my head. His lips? I didn't know. I didn't care enough in the moment to look.
This was ridiculous. I had been worried all along that Peeta would have some kind of tracker jacker attack while watching the Games and instead, it had been me that broke down. I was so weak and helpless, allowing him to comfort me the way he was. It was like being a child again, curling up into mother when I would wake up screaming, "Run, dad! Get out of there!" Peeta shouldn't have to hold me like an infant and whisper soothing words to me. I should be comforting him.
I didn't know how long it had been, but it seemed that the tears had stopped falling. I took the neck of my shirt, although wet itself, and wiped both sides of my face. Somehow, the little light that the moon offered through the window was just enough to make out Peeta's features. I looked up at him and he was already looking down at me.
He looked at me like a bomb waiting to blow, like I might burst in tears and fall into him like I was out of control. I placed my hands on the side of the couch and pushed myself up. It took a second for him to realize what I wanted and his arms slowly released me. "You okay?" His voice was wary.
Afraid to speak just yet, I nodded. What was wrong with him? Did he ever hurt the way that I did? I've never seen him cry for his lost family or break down when he looked back on all of the things that have happened to him. All of the things that he's done. I stood up suddenly with the strong urge to be alone.
"Where are you going?" He called after me and I could hear the sofa screech as he jumped up after me. I didn't answer him, the threat of tears lurking yet again. "Katniss!" He called seconds before he captured my arm. He spun me around to face him so that he could study me. "Are you upset with me?" He questioned after a moment. I bit my lip to keep it from quivering and nodded.
"What did I do?" There was genuine concern in his quiet voice. My voice was not so quiet. "It's what you didn't do!" I blew up, taking in a shaky breath. Before he had time to question, my crazy rant continued. I didn't know who I was. "I'm not supposed to be the one that crawls up in a corner and bawls every chance I get! You've lost so much and I never see you crying and looking for comfort!" I stopped for a moment to steady my voice and question my sanity. I shouldn't be yelling at Peeta. Nothing is his fault. "I don't deserve all of this! I'm not anything that everyone claims that I am. Besides Haymitch. He's the only one that sees me for what I really am. A worthless, insensitive, ungrateful-"
I was so pre-occupied with bashing myself that I didn't even notice that Peeta's eyes had left my own. It was so sudden that I didn't know what was going on until it was too late. His mouth was on mine and his strong hands were holding my head of messy hair. The tears were falling again but for why this time, I didn't know. I didn't know anything in that moment. What are you doing, Katniss? My own mind was questioning my actions and why I wasn't putting a stop to this. I didn't have an answer and I didn't care. His lips were warm, inviting, and familiar.
That hunger that I had felt the night on the beach during the Quarter Quell returned and held me captive. He kissed me until we were out of breath and wet with tears. He started to pull away and I took a step backwards, putting distance between us as if my common sense was just now kicking in.
"What'd you do that for?" I inquired, trying to seem upset about it as I should have been. Peeta stepped back as well and held his head down, only looking up at me with his eyes as he had done earlier. Seconds ticked by before he took a quivering breath and answered, "To shut you up."