A/N This was written for a song-fic drabble over on Hearts of Camelot. It's set in 5.5, so if you're trying to read with no spoilers please run away now.
Summary: To protect his secret, and his destiny, and his King, Merlin gives more of himself away.
Merlin didn't often dwell on all he'd given up. A childhood filled with fear and secrecy, constant barriers between himself and those he loved most, losing friends again and again because to save them he'd have to reveal everything he hid... it was too much to carry, so he hid it behind gilded words of destiny and someday and the Once and Future King.
It had been easier while Uther was King, because Merlin had allowed himself to hate Uther. He'd never let that hatred dictate his choices (though he was tempted, many times), but having someone to blame for losing Freya and Will and Lancelot and his father... it had lightened the burden. It didn't hurt, to blame Uther.
With Arthur as King, the secret was still there, festering like a sore, and, without Uther to blame, Merlin was unable to deny that it was Arthur he was hiding from. Because he didn't know what his King would do, if he discovered what Merlin was. It hadn't hurt, to blame Uther, but blaming Arthur stung to the quick of him.
It hurt more to blame himself, but he chose to, because he couldn't blame Arthur and still have the strength to give away all the pieces of himself that Camelot demanded.
"So what should we do?" Arthur asked. And Merlin knew he couldn't tell him the truth, not if it meant putting his king in danger. Not even if it was everything Merlin wanted and needed and thought he couldn't live without much longer – because it was killing him, being this alone. This was for Arthur, whom he didn't blame and he didn't hate (not even when he sort of wanted to).
"There can be no place for magic in Camelot," he said, giving another piece of himself away.