Note: sorry on the slowness, migraines are not conducive to writing, or moving, or breathing.

Ares 3

'I've been thinking.' She mumbles.

'About what?' I watch as a barmaid brings our food and drinks. Xena waits silently till she's gone again

'I shouldn't have done that.' She keeps her eyes lowered, staring intently at her food.

'What exactly?' I pop a piece of bread into my mouth.

'The other day. What I did…..it was wrong.'

'You mean in the hut?' I momentarily forget my hunger, shoving my plate to the side.

'Yeah.' She finally looks up at me, ashamed.

'Xena, I admit it was….unexpected, but you did nothing wrong. ' I lean towards her. 'I didn't stop you.'

'No Gabrielle, you deserve to be treated better than that.'

'Maybe, but it happened. Do you really regret it that much?' I narrow my eyes gauging her response.

'In some ways.' She's trying not to fall into the trap.

'What ways?'

'Not that it happened, but….' She trails off and suddenly becomes very interested in her food.

'But..?'

'Let's talk about this later.' She shifts uncomfortably, refusing to look at me. I allow her this one win, but I know this is far from over. We finish our meal in silence, make our way to the room in silence, sit there in silence. Too much silence; it's beginning to drive me crazy.

'So can we talk now?' I flop down on the edge of my bed to take my boots off. I watch as Xena paces back and forth in front of the fire. 'Xena?'

'I'm thinking.' Her tone is a little gruff.

'What's there to think about?'

'I don't think this is a good idea.' She stops pacing and slumps, defeated onto her bed only a few feet away from me.

'What? Talking?' Her eyes narrow at me.

'No, having something between us. It's not smart.' She starts to mumble under her breath but I can't make out what she's saying.

'But there is something Xena.' I'm trying to keep myself calm, my voice quiet.

'I'm sorry this is all my fault. I shouldn't have….we can't, don't you understand?' She looks at me pleadingly,

'Don't you understand, it's too late. What's done is done and we can't just go back to the way it was before.' I watch as her fist clench tightly, her knuckles turning white. I can almost hear what she's thinking. 'Xena, you know if you leave I'll only follow.' A deep growl emanates from within her throat, but her eyes are downcast, staring at the floorboards.

'I thought you loved me?' I whisper nearly inaudibly. Her defenses soften but don't drop altogether, as her hands unclench.

'I do.' There's a crack of emotion in her voice, but she refuses to look up. I feel myself being pulled towards her so I go, falling to my knees before the often stoic and emotionless woman. My hands touch her knees hesitantly, barely making contact as I try to peer up into the azure eyes.

'We can start over, take it slow. We can't pretend these feeling don't exist but we can learn to adapt to the new life they bring. We both would give our lives to save the other, and we would have done that whether you…..expressed your feelings or not.' I single tear falls from her cheek, landing on the back of my hand. I stare at it for a moment, wondering why she's so afraid.

'Gabrielle.' Her voice is strained, like she's been crying for hours. She swallows hard, her hand coming up to cup my cheek. 'I don't think you understand. I've never loved someone like I love you and we aren't even…..' She trails off, eyes brimming with unshed tears. I wait, let her compose her thoughts. She takes a deep breath before continuing.

'I'm afraid. Of these feelings, of what you can do to me.' Her hand falls from my face. I can't believe she's even admitting anything let alone being afraid. She so very rarely expresses her thoughts and feelings, this is Xena at her most vulnerable.

'I would never do anything to hurt you.' I don't know how I can convince her, she's everything to me.

'I know, not intentionally anyway.' She mumbles, staring off at the wall.

'Xena.' She refuses to turn, so I make her. 'Xena!' The force in my voice brings her eyes back to mine. 'You don't think I'm afraid you'll hurt me? In fact I know you will, it's part of your nature, but I want you all the same.' Pain flashes across her eyes.

'You think I'd hurt you?' Her brow furrows, anger tingeing her voice. I sigh.

'Xena, I have no illusions about you. I don't expect you to do something foreign to you and adapt to it like it's second nature.' Her face relaxes slightly. 'I love you and I want you to love me.'

'You're always so positive.' A smile briefly flashes across her face. I stand up, retreating back to my bed.

'So, let's really talk now.' I fold my hands in my lap. She clears her throat as she leans over to unlace her boots.

'Don't think this is going to be some easy fairy tale romance.' She grumbles.

'Nothing about us is easy.' Throwing her boots to the floor, she lays back and sighs.

'Gabrielle, I don't want you to have any illusions about this.' Her pessimism is beginning to grate on my nerves.

'Can't you just let yourself be happy for once, or is being miserable part of your redemption plan?' She shoots back up into a sitting position, eyes glaring angrily at me.

'You are nothing but a stupid kid!' She spits the words at me as she stands, gathering her things up. 'You think everything is so black and white, but you're wrong.' Each word is hitting me like a knife in the chest; but I hold back the tears and keep my face stoic. 'You need to grow up, because I'm tired of having to save you from yourself!' She turns, stomping out of the room with her boots and weapons in hand.

I'm numb and I can't move, I can barely think as her words tumble in my head. I'm just a kid. I'm just a stupid kid.