Disclaimer: LOL I don't own this anime, but maybe I wish I did! I certainly would not be able to come up with this great shit!
As the morning sun's rays began to penetrate the shades in young Light Gayami's room he wondered if this was the day that he finally went through with it... was this life even worth living anymore?
He rolled over in his bed, wrapping his thin sheets over his head.
After years of struggling to "fit in" with his peers he had considered taking his katana and inflicting upon himself the final blow.
He rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes.
Not today, today could be different, today might be the day that he was picked first in soccer, or the day that his deepest feelings for Li Li were finally returned.
Even with this sudden burst of optimism, Light took a full hour to dress and an additional thirty minutes to eat a large breakfast prepared for him by his grandmother. After finishing his delicious dish of breakfast rice, Light bowed to his grandmother (as is traditional in Japan, which is where the story is set) and set off for school. As the reader may have inferred from the previous description, Light was running late for school so he was in quite the hurry.
His knapsack was lifted into the air by the sheer speed at which Light, determined to not be late, ran to high school. Upon turning a corner, perhaps due to his school-related anxiety, Light found himself on the ground after an incidental run in with what seemed to be a giant boulder (maybe like the one from Indiana Jone's?).
Wiping the warm blood off his forehead, Light made a sudden realization which caused him to verbally gasp; for the boulder which he had run into was, in fact, no boulder at all - it was the high school tough himself, Bullyama! He had been examining what seemed to be a dead bird, which lie on his protruding gut. This monstrous person had been tormenting Light throughout high school, which did not bode well since he was currently running late for high school.
"BOY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STANDING HERE?" bellowed Bullyama in his deep southern draw that most likely comes from his deep-south-Japan heritage. "OH LOOKIE WHAT WE HAVE HERE, IT'S LIGHT NERDAMI!"
"Please Bullyama, I need to go to school, I have wasted much time this morning, I have no time for bullying today!" Exclaimed Light very timidly.
"ALRIGHT, GO AHEAD," said Bullyama, giving Light some dim hope of liberation from what seemed to be an inescapable beating, "- RIGHT AFTER I POUND YER SKINNY LITTLE ASS."
As soon as Light heard these fairly unsurprising words he made a sudden movement as to free himself from what was turning out to be a bad situation, however, in trying to stand he found himself directly underneath Bullyama's somewhat exposed stomach, which expanded at least a foot from his waist. With one fell swoop Bullyama lifted Light off his feet with his infamous upper-cut, completely dislocating several of Light's teeth and landing him on his back around ten feet from where he had previously been sitting.
Bullyama followed Light to his new location and with a somewhat clumsy kick completely shattered Light's left knee cap. Tears began to stream down Light's face as he wondered if he would even be able walk again, never mind make it to school.
Bullyama turned and began to walk away.
"SEE YOU AT SCHOOL NERDAMI," and he laughed heartily as he made his way to high school.
Light stood up and made his way to school despite the fact that he was already about an hour late. He was beginning to wonder if his earlier suicidal contemplation had more merit than he had once thought.
The teacher lectured softly, given no concern to the apparent anarchy that was happening in his classroom. This is the way things worked in the high school, the students rule and the teachers are just part of the infrastructure, very dissimilar to how U.S. schools work. However, once Light tried to quietly enter the room, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at the bloody mess who was late once again. This was a large disappointment to all of the students, including the one person who was most important to Light, Li Li. With her big brown anime eyes and bright blue hair, Li Li was the envy of not only Light, but every boy in high school. Her approval was one of the only things that Light had left in this world to strive for.
In a seemingly surprising move, Li Li left her group of adoring males to walk over towards Light.
"Late again, Light," were the only words that Light could make out before Li Li gave him a swift kick in the balls. He keeled over as she walked away. This was not the first time he had been kicked in the balls for being late for a class, unfortunately. In fact he had often been curious about the effects of force on testicles for reproductive purposes. He hoped that would not be the last time Li Li touched his balls.
It had been a trying day to be sure for young Light; after the morning events he had proceeded to not be chosen to participate in the high school soccer game in which he so dearly yearned to be included. Light had recessed to the locker room, which was empty on account of everyone else had been chosen to play soccer, which is a very popular sport in Japan. The tears would not stop flowing as Light considered where his life was and the pessimistic view that seemed to be unavoidable as to where it was going.
Just then the door opened and a cat wandered in carrying a stick in it's mouth.
Except this wasn't a normal cat, because he could talk, which isn't very normal.
The cat was an old friend of dear Light Gayami, Master Kiwa, who had led him through a number of his past adventures. He now was approaching Light in a very desperate hour. He stood upright and held the stick, which turned out to be a walking stick in his paw as he addressed Light.
"Hello Light," spoke the talking cat, Master Kiwa, "I could sense that you were having issues so I have come to offer my services."
*Sniff* "Thank you Master, but I am afraid there is not much hope for me in this world any longer."
"Don't you remember that you have a notepad full of Death Notes?" [That's the name of the anime]
"Oh that's right! I do have a notepad full of Death Notes!" Light remembered as he pulled the yellow pad out of his knapsack.
"Use that notepad to confront your fears, it will help you through high school," stated Master Kiwa, the talking cat.
"Thank you master, I will not let you down again!" Yelled Light as he ran from the room.
Light waited until his first class with Bullyama to start using his Death Notes; the timing had to be just right. He walked into the classroom and sat down directly behind Bullyama, an action which normally would have been unheard of, but Light had some new-found confidence. He wasn't afraid of anything.
When the teacher starting his lecture, the class was eerily quiet. It was if they knew what was coming. Light reached for his Death Note pad and scribbled something down very carefully. He folded it up the Death Note and handed it to a friend who was sitting next to Bullyama. His friend reached out for it only to have the Death Note snatched out of his grasp by Bullyama!
This was, however, exactly what Light had predicted would happen. He smirked to himself as Bullyama interrupted the class by standing up and chortling.
"LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE, NERDAMI'S PASSING NOTES IN CLASS!" The classroom chorused with laughter that Light was all too familiar with.
"Please don't read it Bullyama, that's very private," Light pleaded vainly.
"IT'S RUDE TO PASS NOTES IN CLASS WHILE THE TEACH IS TEACHING," yelled Bullyama. "NOW EVERYONE CAN KNOW WHY YOU'RE INTERRUPTING CLASS!"
Bullyama opened up the note and examined it. It read, "by reading this note you are dead now because this is a Death Note."
Bullyama's eyes glazed over and he fell to the floor, a cold, lifeless blob of shit. He was dead, which is what Death Notes do.
The class now erupted with cheers and lifted Light onto their shoulders, he had defeated the evil Bullyama and become the most popular boy in high school. Li Li caught eyes with him from across the room. However, this time her gaze was different, this might be the time she did not kick him in the balls. He noticed she was writing a note of her own as she strode towards him having no trouble getting past the huge crowd of Light's new admirers.
She handed him the note; he was careful to make sure it was not a Death Note. The note read, "meet me in the broom closet." It seemed the Death Note pad had proven to be exactly the turn around his life needed.
Although the Death Note pad had instilled extreme confidence in Light, he still was somewhat scared of girls as he had never so much as kissed one in his entire adolescence. His hand was shaking as he reached for the door of the broom closet. As he opened the door he smelled the sweet scent of freshly ammonia-added mop water, a scent he would forever associate with impassioned love-making.
Li Li was already prepared for his arrival, her clothes had already been removed; she was totally nude.
"I have always been in love with you, Light," gasped Li Li as she wrapped herself around Light's suddenly stiff frame.
"I know," responded Light as he exposed his beef katana to Li Li; she knew what to do.
She began to stroke him as they pressed lips, her long tongue found it's way through his mouth and around his own as he became erect in the penial region. Li Li wrapped her naked legs around Light's waist as he began to sway back in forth. The sweat on their bodies glistened, mixing in the smell of cleaning Windex and Fabreze.
Light stepped back and urinated in between Li Li's legs. Although she made some attempt to hide it, Li Li groaned in orgasm. They sat their exposed and caught their breath.
"That was great sex that we just had," said Li Li, hoping that Light's pee was fertile, her passion so fierce for him in this moment.
"Yes, I agree, great sex that we both just had with each other," responded Light.
Light stood up and zipped up his pants. Li Li noticed a small piece of paper fall from his pocket.
"I will see you later Li Li, I have an old friend to thank," said Light cryptically before he walked out of the closet.
Li Li thought about telling Light about his dropped note, but she refrained; eager to learn more about this still mysterious boy whom she so deeply loved. She took the note for herself, still soaking wet, and read it. The note was simple, "Thanks for the sex, now here's death," because it wasn't just a note, it was a Death Note. Her naked body went suddenly cold as she passed away.
As Light walked out of the gates that protected high school he found a familiar friend. It was Master Kiwa, the talking cat with a staff.
"You have avenged your inequities, young Light," said the talking cat, Master Kiwa. "You have succeeded in making me proud. I have taught you well."
"Thank you, Master Kiwa, for everything you have taught me," exclaimed Light. "I have prepared a thank you card for you, in order to thank you."
Master Kiwa was very touched by this gesture as Light was normally such an ungrateful youth, which is the way teenagers can often appear.
"Farewell master, I will see you soon," and with that Light headed home, a slight skip in his step.
Master Kiwa stayed for a moment before looking at the thank you note, such a nice gesture. He opened it, but there was only one sentence on the card, which turned out to be just a note, "Time to become roadkill," and with that Master Kiwa became a quiet, dead cat.
The card was actually a Death Note.
End