Upon reflection and reading through the reviews I have decided to completely re-do this chapter. Some of the reviews made the excellent point that Castle isn't an alcoholic, and as a father he wouldn't want to let down Alexis. I really appreciate the reviews and feedback - especially the constructive criticism! So here is my second attempt as I get more comfortable writing with these characters - let me know if the characters sound more like they should this time.
Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
Leaning back on his plush office chair with his legs on his desk in precisely the way Beckett would hate, Castle groaned in frustration. He had been staring at a blank page for three hours and...nothing. He had had writers block before. The dry spell before he met Beckett had been memorable. But this time it was different.
It wasn't that he had nothing to say. In fact, he had plenty to say. Words were screaming through his mind like an out of control train on rusty tracks. Words. And pictures. He had tried sleeping, but every time he closed his eyes he would see Beckett's stricken expression as he refused to accept her apology. Or the vulnerability in her eyes when she had first walked in the door and kissed him, tugging on his broken heart-strings as she begged and pleaded for his forgiveness. Her eyes couldn't lie...could they?
Regardless, this time, his writers block was built purely out of emotions that he could not face. Tempestuous, stormy, and overwhelming. He could not admit to himself that him and Beckett were done. But they had to be, he had to stick to his decision. She had come running to him after yet another near death experience, but he could not accept her words. He had wanted to believe her - to believe that she truly cared for him and wanted to be with him. But clinging to him whenever she faced a crisis in her life was becoming a pattern. As was pushing him away soon afterwards. And he could not get his hopes up again only to have his heart broken one more time. He had told her truth, he had reached his limits. He could not take another rejection from the person he loved more than life itself.
Unfortunately, he had had enough relationships to know that her words and actions were most likely the result of misattributed adrenaline. Fear and passion were emotions which could so easily become confused. It was almost like Beckett only allowed herself to feel and express love and affection if she had the excuse of being overwhelmed by fear.
But what kind of relationship could they possibly have if she would only allow herself to be vulnerable whenever she almost died.
No, if Castle was honest with himself, he still held a small flicker of hope that he and Beckett would eventually get together. Not anytime soon, but eventually. First she would need to learn how to be honest in a non-crisis situation - how to tell him how she felt without a concurrent plea for help.
That was what he would need to see from her in order to believe that her feelings for him were genuine, and not simply an escape from fear or loneliness. Because as much as he loved her, he was done being nothing more than her fallback guy and work colleague.
He did not regret the past four years. Beckett had helped him to finally grow up, and everyone around him had benefitted from the change. For the first time he knew what it was like to have a purpose in life - besides Alexis of course - but she had practically raised herself. He had realized that writing was not enough on its own, that he also needed to be doing something that directly impacted his community.
That aspect of not being able to work at the precinct was going to be hard to adjust to. He did not want to go back to being nothing more than a playboy millionaire. It had taken him too long to get himself to a place where he actually had a healthy level of self-respect.
There was something intrinsically satisfying about working each day to help those who could not help themselves, giving them a voice. He loved figuring out the stories behind each crime. His bridges at the precinct were probably burnt to a crisp at this point though. Ryan and Espo would always take Beckett's side - and rightly so, they were her friends fist.
Perhaps he could go a different direction entirely. Maybe crime journalism would be fun. That would combine both his passions and get him out on the field.
Suddenly rejuvenated, Castle went back into the other room to get his phone. It was time to call in a few favors at the local newspaper.
Over lunch with her best friend, Beckett went back and forth between fury, regret, and confusion at Castle's rejection. She knew she had blown it. Castle had been mad at her before. The worst had been after her shooting, when she had avoided him for months. It had been hard to regain his trust after that episode, but he had at least been willing to give her a chance.
This time was different. When he had told her to leave, his eyes had not been angry or hurt. They had been glazed over, emotionless, and dismissive. He had shut her out of his life and his heart, and there was nothing she could say to break through that wall. Castle was stubborn, and if he was determined to move on, there was nothing she could say that would change his mind.
On the other hand, maybe she shouldn't be groveling anyway. He had betrayed her by keeping a secret about her mothers case for a year. He had lied to her and broken the bond of trust between them. She had every right to be just as mad at him as he was at her.
Pulled back to reality when she realized she had scoffed down her entire grilled cheese sandwich, Beckett looked up at Lanie, who was looking at her with a concerned smirk and a raised eyebrow.
"You gonna tell me what's eating at you or do we need to do a forensic investigation of your relationship with Castle?"
"I don't want to talk about him." Pursing her lips, Lanie shook her head in disapproval.
"Okaay. But you know I'm here if you decide you need to talk." With a sigh Beckett decided it couldn't hurt to get some advice from her best friend.
"I want to fix things with him, Lanie. And I don't know, I don't think a grand gesture is going to do it, and I can't just turn up at a book signing again. It's more like he needs to see consistency from me in order to believe that my feelings for him are real. He's proven himself over 4 years of following me around on the job, maybe I could do the same. Be at all his book tour events, signings and readings. Prove to him that I'm not going anywhere."
Lanie's response was to express her disapproval in no uncertain terms. "That is a terrible idea girl. Only thing that's gonna result in is a restraining order. You gotta give him some time honey. Let the emotions settle down a bit then you guys might be able to talk."
Beckett grimaced and shook her head, no. "Space is the last thing I need right now."
"Have you ever considered that maybe it's what he needs? I love you Kate and you know I've always got your back, but honey you have put that man through hell. Maybe it's time you start thinking about what he needs to be happy instead of what you need from him."
Confused, Beckett frowned at her friend. "Are you seriously taking his side?"
Lanie laughed and shook her head slowly. "I'm on both of your sides. I see how much he's hurting, and I know how much you care about him. Everyone knows. I want you guys to find your way back to each other just as much as you do."
Irritated by the tears welling up in her eyes, the normally self-contained detective sniffed, blinked rapidly, and looked down at her drink. Head lowered and hands gripping her coffee mug tightly, she glanced up at her best friend sadly, "What if he never forgives me?"
Lanie took a deep breath before answering. "I hate to say it, but you're gonna have to come to terms with that possibility honey."
"I just wanna make him laugh again, Lanie. Make him happy."
The sincerity in Beckett's voice made Lanie's heart hurt for her normally tough friend. "Maybe at one point you could, but you gotta admit, lately you've put the man through a lot."
Kate replied in a low, barely audible voice. "I know."
Lanie continued speaking, more gently, but still in her usual direct manner. "Way I see it, what you and him had is too broken to fix. You both need to move on with your lives and put yourselves back together. Maybe one day you'll be able to start over but it's not going to be one of those "pick up where you left off" things. You and Castle are gonna need to completely rebuild from the ground up honey."
Kate pursed her lips and took a deep, frustrated breath, a little annoyed at her Lanie for being so direct. Running a hand through her hair at the back of her head and tugging at her roots, she closed her eyes and took a slow breath in through her nose. "So what am I supposed to do in the meantime, Lanie?"
Her best friends' eyes softened sympathetically, knowing that Kate was hurting even more than she let on, but still unable to soften the impact of the truth. "You gotta move on. Live your life without Castle and respect that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. You owe him that much."
Frowning and chewing on her bottom lip, Kate shrugged helplessly. "So, that's it. We're just done? I'm supposed to give up and not fight for him?"
Cracking a real smile for the first time that day, Lanie shook her head. "I didn't say that. The way that man loves you ain't gonna disappear over night. He'll come round. I promise. Now, I gotta get back to the precinct. You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine, you go." Nodding and waving goodbye to her friend, Beckett pulled herself together. She hadn't meant to get so emotional over lunch, or to admit to having any feelings about her estranged relationship with Castle at all. In fact, she was wishing that she had never met Richard Castle. At least then she could have gone home after a bad day, and escaped into one of his books. Apparently she was going to need to find a new favorite author. With a small smile flitting across her face as she finally decided on her plans for the afternoon, Kate paid the lunch bill and headed towards her favorite bookstore.