Chapter 5

Kagome barely even noticed her bath, her mind instead stuck on her first true kiss. Sure, she'd kissed Inuyasha in desperation that one time in Kaguya's palace, but it hadn't been a true kiss in the erotic, adult sense. It had been an innocent meeting of lips, and nothing more. This... was not the same thing as that at all.

Even though this had been just as technically chaste, with a mere meeting of lips and nothing more, it was light worlds away from that other kiss that she had instigated with Inuyasha. This one had been instigated by Mattaki – he had been the one coming to her. That made it entirely different. On top of that, she could feel the desire in him, though he didn't push it. This kiss had let her know, however, that it was there and that he was holding back – for her sake.

She touched her finger to her lips and sighed softly, her eyes still dazed. So that's what it's supposed to feel like to be kissed by someone you're – she blushed – sexually attracted to. I never felt that way with... Inuyasha. It came to her in that moment that her feelings for the hanyou had been the innocent love of a child, with no adult attraction behind it. Stunned, she realized that it would never have withstood the test of time – they were not meant to be. She would always love him, but she knew now – it was the soft, affectionate love of a friend, a sister. Not the powerful, romantic love of a partner, a lover, a... mate.

That realization kept her thoughtful and stunned for some time, even through part of dinner. All that time she'd grieved for her broken heart, only to find that her heart wasn't broken – not even a little bit. Yes, the hurt he'd given her heart with his misuse of it was still there and valid, but she realized that it would be much worse to go through the same with a real love, a true love. And sure, her heart grieved for his death, but it wasn't grieving for the loss of its innocence. She was shocked at how much weight that realization lifted from her shoulders. Yes, he had been her first love, a puppy love, as funny as that sounded in this particular situation, but it wasn't a real love. And now she was free to learn what real love was – what adult love was, because she was no longer a child. Separated from her family and her era, she was alone and responsible for herself and her decisions, and was now answerable to no one for the decisions of her heart but herself.

It was a heady feeling.

But... in some ways she also felt very intimidated. Mattaki was definitely an adult male who was very experienced and knew exactly what he wanted – which was apparently her, for now, at least – and she was a virgin. A rather scared virgin. But she wasn't too innocent to know that she was not going to get away. And truthfully, she couldn't run from adult love forever – sooner or later she would lose her virginity. The question here really was... who did she want to give it to?

It wasn't like she wasn't attracted to Mattaki, because as scary as this all seemed, she still wasn't going to lie to herself and deny what she knew full well her body was telling her.

I suppose... really, why am I so worried about it? There's certainly plenty of time to let things play out as they will, she thought almost acidly to herself. It wasn't as if either of them were going anywhere.

That thought actually calmed her down, and even more as she remembered something he'd said about becoming involved with anyone else but her. He'd said that he found the idea totally unappealing, since he'd eventually outlive them and have to deal with a painful loss at the end of it all. Why bother with that when he had a ready-made companion that was just as immortal, and one he was already attracted to in more than one way, anyway?

So... what does he really see me as? A convenient bed warmer, since I'll always be there? Or something more?

"What furrows your brow so deeply, little hana?" came a voice that startled her so badly she almost fell over. She'd been lost so far in her thoughts that she'd forgotten the presence of the very male she'd been thinking so hard about. Heart beating a frantic tattoo against her ribs she sat still for a moment trying to regain her composure, a scolding reminder to pay attention to her surroundings running through her mind. She could feel the mystified amusement coming from Mattaki, and after she calmed down she looked up at him.

"Please don't do that again, Mattaki, you almost gave me a heart attack!" she said reproachfully, and he tilted his head, still amused, but also just as confused.

"Heart... attack?"

She sighed. "It's a future term used by doctor's... erm, healers in my birth time. It just means that something is wrong with the heart – it's beating dangerously fast for one of many possible reasons. In this case, because you scared me so badly."

He blinked at that. "Are you telling me that humans can be... scared to death?" he asked, a bit incredulous at that. Are humans truly so frail that even something so silly could kill them?

"Well, not most of the time, really. For some, maybe. Older people that are not as strong anymore. What I said was just a phrase, a saying. 'You scared me to death', indicating that you frightened or startled the person quite badly."

"Ah," he nodded understandingly. "Still, you didn't answer my question. What were you thinking about so deeply that I was able to... scare you to death?" He watched as a light blush kissed her cheeks, adoring the gentle color that only enhanced the blue of her eyes.

"Ano, I was just thinking about, you know, what we talked about earlier," she finally admitted, not able to meet his gaze - his wryly affectionate gaze, if she had seen it and been able to interpret it correctly.

"And what were your thoughts on what we discussed?"

It was silent for several minutes as Mattaki watched her gather her courage and her thoughts. She is one of the most shy females I've ever known when it comes to topics such as these. And I would have thought it would be different, with her coming from a world so far in the future. Even Izayoi wasn't this timid.

Finally she inhaled deeply and said, "You mentioned that the way we're bound is kind of like a... a … mating bond." He nodded, so, so amused and enchanted at the wavering voice she was trying so hard to control. "What... well, what I mean is, what does that mean? What's a... mate?"

His eyes softened as he took in the vulnerable curve of her cheek as her lashes lay like charcoal smudges against rosy cheeks. She truly was so soft and delicate inside, her heart just healing from the beating it had taken.

I shall have to take great care with her... always, for her heart and her soul are the most fragile parts of her and have already been so abused; I could never wish to hurt her any further.

After a moment he said softly, "A mate is an animal based youkai's other half. It is not so different than the lower mortal animals. Except that where different species of common animals have different mating instincts when it comes to one or many partners, a youkai takes only one, unless his or her mate dies. Then, if they choose they can take another, though most do not. We are serial monogamists, you could say – at least we are once we take a mate."

Something he said pulled her attention in a slightly different direction. "Animal based youkai? Do you mean to say that other youkai are different?"

"They are," he replied. "But that is a discussion for a little later, perhaps. Let us finish this one, Kagome."

"So... Izayoi? You said once that she was your wife...?"

He knew immediately what she was asking, and though his past with his former wife was a rather private matter for him, this question at least she deserved an answer to, since he was basically asking her to accept him as her alpha... her mate, in the youkai fashion.

"Izayoi was my wife. She was not my mate." He hesitated, then continued slowly, softly. "For a true mating, both halves of the couple must have... power of some sort or another. The binding cannot be completed without it, and Izayoi had no power of her own."

"Oh." She looked away, fidgeting in her seat. "I'm sorry," she offered faintly. "That must have hurt – knowing that you would have to say goodbye someday." Clearing her throat she showed her empathic side clearly when she changed the subject, leaving his memories of his wife alone – at least directly. Izayoi couldn't be completely removed from things, since she was a part of his past that in some ways would effect his future – at least in Kagome's view, anyway.

"I guess... I'm not sure what you want from me for certain," she finally said. "I... can't replace your past love for you, I hope you understand that, and I won't put myself through something like that again." She looked up at him then, almost fiercely meeting his gaze, determined to be one hundred percent sure of where she stood. "That's what Inuyasha did to me, and... in a way I'm reluctant to let myself get... emotionally or p-physically involved with someone who's already had some grand love they lost to time and the past. It hurts to always come in second behind another, and realize that's all the good you'll ever be to the one who is first in your own heart. So... so I need to know what you want. So I can decide for sure that I can... live with it and not lose too much of myself to the damage that comes with always wondering if you're comparing me to what you lost. A-and you," she stuttered out, forcing herself to get it all out in the open, "you have to be sure that you can be satisfied with... with someone who isn't your former wife. I'm no elegant hime, beautiful and graceful – I'm a lost vagabond with nothing to my name and not much to my looks, either."

Suddenly losing her courage, she blushed heavily and ducked her head, a phantom of Kikyou suddenly jeering at her and causing her to doubt herself completely; everything he'd said earlier simply seemed too good to be true. How could she ever compare to his former wife? She hadn't even been able to compare to a peasant miko. She sighed dejectedly into the heavy silence.

"N-never mind," she said softly as she made to get to her feet and leave the room, no longer able to even stomach the idea of eating anything more. "Maybe we should just leave it and stay as friends... I'm good at being friends," she finished, her slightly bitter emphasis on the word friends not being missed by the stunned and saddened daiyoukai.

Did he really break your spirit down so deeply inside that you cannot heal, little one?

In that moment, watching the sweet young woman he was rapidly developing very deep, strong feelings for leaving the room with such misery in her aura, he almost hated his own son – the son he'd never even met.

He stood and swiftly followed her, not willing to let this go. It had to be settled now, and he was going to do just that.

"Kagome, stop," he said as he reached the entrance to the room just behind her. The authority in his voice seemed to freeze her. "Did you forget everything I spent the time after we returned home telling you?"

Something in his voice seemed to needle her; she spun on him, almost angry. "No. But I'm tired of being a second-hand toy for Taisho males! The very fact that you're reluctant to speak of your wife proves that she still owns your heart – Inuyasha was the same way with Kikyou. So once again I would be settling for whatever leftovers you had to give," she said scornfully. "This time... I'm just not willing to play second fiddle to another woman that's better than me in every way imaginable. Please... at least respect me as a person enough to not ask something like that from me." Her last words had lost her previous fire and turned desperately pleading; it was clear to Mattaki that this was an extremely painful subject for her.

"Did we not already agree that I am not my son? Have you already forgotten my words to you before we left your former village on the subject of love, and my idea of it? I've told you in several ways already that while my past with my wife will always be remembered with affection, that it would not affect my present and future. Love is precious, and never the same if you are lucky to find it more than once, and I would never poison my own future by pretending that it was my past or the same as it."

Shaking her head dejectedly she whispered, "Words," and then continued to head towards the doors to the outside of the palace.

At that he grabbed ahold of her arm and pulled her outside into the garden, not wishing their 'discussion' to be overheard by the so-far missing Myouga or any of his servants.

When they reached a small open patch in the exact center of the garden he gently pushed her down, frowning when she just folded up into herself and didn't even try to resist. After a moment of staring down at her sable crown he sat down facing her, so close their knees were touching.

For the moment he let her hide her thoughts and herself by keeping her gaze pinned on her lap.

After a short silence, he said, "In a few hundred years or so you will begin to understand fully what I'm about to tell you." That conversational gambit seemed to startle her; wide eyes slid up a little to meet his questioningly. "When I think of my wife, do you know what I remember most? Her smile. It has been several hundred years since I have seen her, and I have spent most of that time dead. What I remember of her is not enough to leave me anything to compare you against. Physically I remember very little, it's all blurred with immense spans of time – and death. So... to put it bluntly, as it seems I must, when I touch you, mate you, there will be nothing left in my memory for there to be any of these comparisons you seem to think I will be making. You will be all that resides in my mind as my present and future."

Stunned and completely embarrassed at what he'd just said, she blinked, and then actually thought about it. So... so he does want to mate me. She shivered. Well, I asked him to tell me what he wanted, she thought, putting her hands to her flaming cheeks, but I wasn't expecting him to be so blunt – and cocksure. When, he says, like it's a foregone conclusion. I shouldn't be so surprised at that bit of arrogance, though – look at who his sons are. They had to get it from somewhere.

She didn't realize she'd said that aloud until Mattaki laughed. "It is a foregone conclusion, Kagome, no matter how long you play coy. And I am not arrogant – arrogance is undeserved pride. My pride is thoroughly deserved."

And with that outrageous statement she slowly stood up after picking her jaw up from the ground, fists clenched, annoyance fairly dripping from her and her earlier angst momentarily forgotten. Teeth gritted she ground out, "With that attitude, it's going to be several more centuries before you see that 'foregone conclusion' you seem convinced actually is, do you get me?" Then she turned on her heel and stomped off. He couldn't help but laugh as she stormed away... deeply pleased to have erased some of her concerns, as he knew he had.

Patience, he once more cautioned himself as he stood up to follow her in from the garden. Slow and steady wins the race!

Perhaps I should corner Myouga and have him tell me exactly how my son treated her. There is obviously very deep damage there. But I have no idea exactly how their relationship – or what there was of it – went. If I want to help her heal from the fears it left in her, I need to know what they are.

Not even trying to hunt him down, as that could take days, he swelled his aura with demand and went into a sitting room to wait for the little bug to observe the summons.

It wasn't too long, really, before he felt the tiny youki of his nomi servant, and pulsed his aura just enough to knock the little bloodsucker back – he was trying again to sneak up on him. The flea should have known better than that by this time, but he always tried anyway.

He sighed. "Come, Myouga, you know better. Now attend me." He waited for him to pick himself up and make his way to his hand, which was held out for him to settle on. Once he was there, Mattaki spoke. "I want you to tell me how Inuyasha treated Kagome. Everything you observed. I find myself wanting to know exactly why she's so damaged."

That request made Myouga slump. "That... is a long story – and not a very nice one, either," he said, shaking his tiny head. "I am sad to say that Master Inuyasha did not often treat her very well, though I think he did care about her, in a rather distant way, anyway. To be perfectly honest, though, he was most often cruel to her. He constantly derided her and compared her unfavorably to Kikyou, calling her stupid, worthless, useless and helpless on a near daily basis," he said, shrinking a little as Mattaki's youki rose in anger and his eyes reddened.

"Continue," he growled, obviously wishing that he could get his hands on his son and beat him severely.

"He would call her clumsy and ugly and unlovable, and repeatedly ran off the moment the undead miko appeared in the area, often leaving Kagome-sama and his friends in danger. There was one time... Miroku-sama told me of it later, when Inuyasha thought Kikyou dead, Naraku used that against him and drew him away with a rumor of her survival. Kagome-sama... well, let's just say it was a close call."

A deep growl echoed through the room signifying great danger; for the first time in his long life he actually wished that he could speak to the kami. He knew they'd planned some sort of punishment for the boy, but he wanted to get his hands on him more than almost anything he'd ever wanted. What that boy needed more than anything in the world was a good beating – or two, or twenty.

Stunning Mattaki from his temper, a dangerous power suddenly filled the room and he was once again in the presence of one – or more - of the kami. Submitting immediately, he awaited the pleasure of the gods and wondered what they wished to say.

He didn't wait long.

"You were correct in thinking that we would punish him. He has been sent into eternal darkness, in a similar fashion as what the priestess Kikyou did when she originally sealed him to the Goshinboku." There was a pause, and then the voice came again. "But there are those among us that find it... an amusing idea to place the son in the care of his father, so that you may punish him. After all, as Omoikane has mentioned to us all, he was already sealed away in darkness, alone without hope of redemption, and it did nothing to change his foolish, selfish temperament. Perhaps a great deal of pain at the hands of his father might succeed where sealing has failed."

"I cannot deny that I truly wish to get my hands on him – but there is also this," he said reluctantly, "for Kagome to be faced with him again, it may be... counterproductive to her healing."

Again, the voice of the gods filled the room. "No. The bond she wished to share with your hanyou son will never come to be. Her hope for such is beyond redemption, and she has lost the desire for such a thing already, her heart no longer being fooled by the love she holds for him. While she has forgiven him and loves him with the softness of family, she has not forgotten what he did to her. Still, some of us are hesitant to release him from what we originally chose. Let us think on this, discuss it amongst ourselves. Whatever the decision, we will give you word of it."

With that the room cleared of the ominous power of the kami, and Mattaki let out an explosive breath. It was always overwhelming to be in the presence of those so far above even him, and it humbled him for a moment as he felt the trembling, tiny youki of his nomi servant and friend. For he imagined that as it was for him to be confronted with the gods, it was probably similar for Myouga to be faced with his heightened youki. Perhaps he should apologize to his tiny friend for never thinking of it.

And then the implications of the kami's visit sank in, and he sincerely hoped they decided to return Inuyasha, going against their original decision regarding him. For the boy to simply languish in death was really no punishment. He clearly remembered the embrace of death, and while it was not something he wished to experience again, it hadn't been bad. It was much as being asleep without being able to awaken.

That was truly nothing compared to what was awaiting the boy should the kami decide to return him to life, and Mattaki cracked his knuckles in anticipation.

Deep down, though, beneath his admittedly righteous anger was the hope that he could straighten that son of his out, and then get the chance to know him as he'd never had before. And... one other, final thought came to him, then – his former wife would have been devastated by her son's fate, and were he to regain Inuyasha's life and chance at a normal death later on where he could be reunited with her, she would be happy.

Dead or not, he always wanted her to be content, not suffering. She in no way deserved that.

But he would not give up the boy's discipline and punishment if he were to be allowed to return, either, despite his mother's soft heart – he deserved to be punished for his treatment of Kagome. Greatly.

With a sigh he slipped out of the room, allowing Myouga to go off and regain his little equilibrium after such a visit. After all, he needed to do the same, and suddenly hot water and then his bed sounded very good.

But the moment he stepped into the bathing room he wanted to kill something, for just like the first time a certain female was laid out asleep in the hot water.

For just a moment he pondered retreating and sending a servant in to awake her as he'd done before, but then he decided, "To hell with it." And he stalked forward, stripping himself as he went and sliding into the water so smoothly that there was almost no movement to warn the dozing young woman laid so exquisitely out before him of his presence.

Soft lips parted sweetly in sleep were easily made out as he approached her, and with an inward groan that would have rumbled through the room were it to escape him, he leaned down and captured those beckoning lips, wasting no time in taking this kiss much deeper than he had their first.

He was completely aware of the moment she awoke; she reached up and clutched at his shoulders in shock as his mouth delved passionately within hers. Oddly enough, resisting never occurred to her. He had truly caught her in a vulnerable moment, but she also had caught him in one too, for he had not expected to see her in such a way again, and after all, he was all male and could only stand so much provocation.

Especially when the provocation was so beautiful – and completely naked.

She still hadn't resisted him, and thinking went out the door as he slid his arms around her and pulled her to him. The moment that her body made contact with his, though, her eyes opened and she pulled away in shock at the feel of an aroused male pressing himself against her so boldly.

"W-what are you d-doing in here, Mattaki? Why are you here?" she quavered, her wide eyes staring at him in fear. It wasn't a normal fear, though, and he could scent that – it was a virginal fear. She'd never been where they were right now. He liked that, if the truth were to be told – that she had never known another. Her innocence was a siren's call to him. It made him want her even more, to take her innocence and sweetness and wrap himself in them forever. The very idea of it made a shiver run up his spine.

"What do you expect from me, Kagome, when faced with such a temptation?" he groaned. "I am not a god with perfect control – and especially not when the female that is laying naked and sweetly asleep in my bath is one that I desperately desire and have such strong feelings for." He shuddered as she shifted against him, unknowingly pressing against his maleness, and once more pulled her face back and lowered his head to kiss her again.

Her eyes remained open and staring into his the entire time he was moving closer, as though she were frozen and unable to move. And her heart began beating so hard she thought it was going to burst right through her chest when she saw the depths of the passion in his eyes. He's looking at... me like that? She was so puzzled by his seemingly powerful desire for was just so hard to believe that this male, who was so much more dangerous to the female of the species than Inuyasha or Kouga or even her old schoolfriend Houjo could ever be, could want her. He was looking at her like she was the center of his world, the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen.

And then he reached her lips and once more took them over and her eyes fell closed in submission, though his eyes remained open. He was so completely captivated at her taste and as her lashes fluttered almost helplessly against her cheeks like a trapped butterfly's would she let out the tiniest, most breathlessly hesitant moan he'd ever heard. He could feel himself tightening more than he could ever remember, and it hurt more than he had ever experienced, causing him to grind himself against her in hopes of relieving the pain. She was beautiful, delicate, yet so deceptively strong, loving, and so full of trapped passion that was just waiting to explode... and he just had to have her.

His hands, which to that point had been wrapped around her waist, began to move and explore even as he took the kiss deeper, barely letting her breathe before he was taking her again. One hand traveled up and tangled itself in her damp locks, pulling on them and tilting her head back as she finally ripped her mouth from his, almost ready to pass out from lack of air. As her vulnerable throat was exposed he growled low in his chest, a rumbling sound that startled a gasp from her kiss-swollen lips that immediately pulled him in, and he attacked the sweet flesh of her throat, nipping with his fangs and then licking behind to soothe the faint red marks.

By this time Kagome was out of her head, and almost ready to just give in and let him have her. After all, they would never be apart from each other again, and since he kept swearing that he wasn't ever going to choose another, the wanton side that lived in every woman and had just been awoken in her was ready to submit to him, ready to throttle the voice of caution from her still frightened inner self.

And in the end, it wasn't she who pulled away – it was Mattaki. Because although he was fairly certain at that point that he could take her to his bed and have her now – she wasn't truly ready. Not after everything that had been said between them earlier, and not after everything he'd been told by Myouga. She needed someone to undo the damage done to her, and he was more than willing to take on the responsibility – and it had nothing to do with the fact that it was his son that had caused the problem in the first place. There were many things he was willing to do for honor – but bedding a female because his son had emotionally harmed her wasn't one of them. No, the task of helping her and loving her enough to heal her was one he would take on because he wanted to.

And so... regretfully, so, so regretfully he slowed the ascending passion and soothed the girl's desires back into sleep, gentling her as he caressed her back softly and nuzzled into her neck. And though she responded to his retreat, letting out a sigh that he knew full well was equal parts regret and relief, he knew that those same desires weren't truly sleeping any longer – they were only dozing and it was only a matter of time before they would demand to be satisfied. Before she would demand to be satisfied.

He would be exquisitely happy to answer that demand when it came, when she was ready.

Once her racing heart had calmed and her breathing also, he pulled away and gently settled her back into the water. Meeting eyes that were soft and vulnerable and questioning, he smiled a little.

"You aren't ready for any more than that, Kagome. And while it is all I can do not to take you to my bed right now, I will not do it until it is what we both want – with no hesitation, no doubts." He reached out and drew a gentle finger down her cheek, his claws retracted* carefully away from her delicate skin. "But please, for my sake... do not tempt me so? When you are using the baths leave a small lantern, like the extra one in your room, lit near the shoji so that I know you are there and so am not drawn in only to view such a sweet temptation as you, laying bared and soft with sleep in steaming water to torment me."

Not knowing what to say she simply nodded, staring up at him with so many emotions in her eyes that he could have stayed and read them for an hour. Instead he forced himself to turn and step out of the water, walking swiftly to his door and going inside to wait until she was finished. All the while he was smiling, just a bit – he knew that though she'd turned away when he'd exited the water without bothering with a toweling cloth, she hadn't turned away before looking.

From the indrawn breath and intensifying arousal, he knew she'd enjoyed what she'd seen – and that she was probably as red as his son's fire rat attire, as well.

While it was truly one of the most difficult things he'd ever done, walking away from her as he had, he knew it was the only thing he could have done, too. When he finally took her it would be because she had come to him and demanded that he fulfill their desires. Only then would he join himself to her permanently, blending their lives in a way even the kami could not.

It would take some little time, but time was something he could give her, and though it was not easy on him it was necessary. But Inuyasha had better pray that the kami did not in the end choose to return him to life to face him. Because if they did the boy would soon be begging to let the kami punish him, instead.

Mattaki grinned at the thought; a grin full of deadly fangs and malicious amusement.

In that moment he looked exactly what he was...

A dangerous predator.

~oOo~

By the time Kagome had dried off, dressed, and returned to her room, she was shivering in shocked reaction to what had occurred between she and her kami-gifted protector. Never had she been the recipient of a grown man's passion, and the aftermath of the embrace and then the withdrawal had left her trembling and numb and her mind oddly empty.

I...

Is it always like that? was the only thing she could finally drag out of her conscious mind.

Nothing she had ever seen could have been anywhere near what Mattaki had done to her body. She had read books, seen naughty manga, and even more, experienced the complete lack of modesty of an impossibly decadent society where sex was everywhere and you couldn't turn on the tv without seeing what most every other country in the world would call pornography, yet her country simply called regular programming. And the internet was even more explicit with any kind of content you could wish to find with one click of a button.

But nothing she had ever seen on the internet or tv, read in books, or seen depicted in naughty manga had prepared her in any way for those endless-seeming moments in the baths. She didn't think that anything ever could.

The intensity of it... when she'd met his eyes she'd nearly been scalded; the passion, the sheer want burning in his eyes was enough to turn her to ashes with one touch.

How had it come to this? And so quickly, too? It had been weeks, weeks that were nowhere near long enough, in her opinion, to have become so entwined with each other. Because if that episode in the baths had proved one thing, it was that the desire was reciprocated on her part, untutored and innocent or not. Her body wanted his, she wanted him.

Didn't something like this take a long time to develop between two people? Shouldn't it take a long time? This wasn't a game, it was the most deadly serious thing she could think of. Surely time was needed to become so enamoured with each other.

And then she sighed and sank down on her soft, comfortable futon. Obviously not. She was quibbling over something that was already written in stone. Even though it should take a lot of time to develop feelings, and passion, need, desire, it didn't seem to need much and there was little point in denying what was happening just because she felt as though it were too soon.

Suddenly, as she sat there contemplating things she was ill-equipped to deal with a distant echo of her mother's voice washed over her, nearly bringing on a cascade of tears. But what that lovingly remembered voice was saying seemed to answer to her dilemma.

"Everything in life takes time, Kagome – except love. Love comes when it will. You have to reach out and grab it as soon as it comes to you, because if you don't it can disappear just as fast, and you may never have another chance to capture it again. The gods won't keep throwing such gifts your way if you keep rejecting them simply because it happened 'too fast'. I know you think you're in love with Inuyasha, honey, but you aren't. He doesn't inspire in you the passion and desire that are part and parcel of a real, adult love. Don't lose out on the chance for real love because you're chasing after a false hope with your eyes glued to it and capable of seeing nothing else. If you do you'll be making the same mistake he is, and I don't want to see you throw yourself away over something that was never meant to be. Something that deep down you don't even want to be."

She had come home from yet another shard hunt that ended in another of countless Kikyou episodes, frantic with pain and drowning in tears, and unable to keep it in any longer she'd finally unloaded her grief on her mother. At the time she'd been so upset with her mother's denial of her chances with Inuyasha – her insistence that she didn't love Inuyasha with an adult's love, that she hadn't spoken to her the rest of the night. She'd been angry at her mother's words... but it had been because her mother was telling her something that, deep down, she already knew but didn't want to admit. She had spent so much time convincing herself that she loved him, that it was meant to be – surely, by drawing her five hundred years into the past to save him, the one her soul had loved in that past, meant that the kami were giving them a second chance!

But more fool her, because in the end what she'd realized was that Inuyasha hadn't loved Kikyou, either. He'd only thought he had, and it came to her in that moment that she had been doing the same thing he was doing. Insisting on a love that had never actually existed, and closing her eyes to anything else... just like he had done. In that moment she laughed at herself. What else could she do?

For god's sake... how much clearer could it have been? Neither one of them really loved each other... and I never loved Inuyasha, either. At least, not as a woman. I loved him as a little girl. A child's love. Oh, mama, I wish I could see you, to tell you how right you were.

Inuyasha didn't break my heart... I did.

All of that aside, however, still didn't come close to preparing her to handle a male like Mattaki. He wore his name like an advertisement and every bit of it was true, because he was perfect, and she'd never met anyone who was perfect before and had no idea how to deal with it now that she had.

I suppose I'll have a very long time to learn, though, she chuckled tiredly to herself as her eyes fell closed and she allowed the tension of the day to drag her under into a deep, healing sleep.

Mental lessons now all learned, Kagome was a new woman, ready to meet tomorrow with a clean slate.

Now, if only she could override the damage that Inuyasha had done to her self-esteem and reach out and grab the gift that was Mattaki – before he gave up on her and began to look elsewhere.

That would break her heart.

~oOo~

A/N: Mattaki means perfect in Japanese. Also, my little asterisk above. I am well aware that dogs cannot retract their claws. But in my mind, anyway, inuyoukai would be able to do so – after all, they have to be able to do things that regular four legged mortal dogs don't. Retracting their claws if needed would be a necessary skill for a youkai that spends most of its time in human form, doing tasks that would often be difficult, if not impossible, with those claws getting in the way all the time. So, for the purposes of my fics, take it as read and please don't pm me complaining that I need to learn my facts about dogs, since they don't have retractable claws. If you all hadn't noticed, I'm not writing about regular old mortal dogs.

Amber