I can only apologize for the extreme amount of time between updates. Hope you enjoy the chap :)
The song is "The Sound Of" by Jann Arden.
An insistent beeping woke me from what was a most delicious sleep. I reached for my alarm clock, but realized it wasn't even turned on. I opened my eyes and realized Mark wasn't in bed with me. Sitting up quickly, I realized that it was the fire alarm. Something was burning. I bolted into the kitchen, the cold air tugging on my skin and telling me to get back into the bed where everything was warm and safe.
I couldn't help but laugh.
Mark was jumping up and down, waving a dish towel in front of the fire alarm and swearing creatively under his breath. I snorted and he spun around, "Sorry, Addison. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Are you trying to burn my apartment down? Because if you are, I'm glad I'm awake."
Mark looked flustered. "I was trying to make breakfast for you," he muttered as the alarm stopped going off. I picked up the spatula and poked at what was supposed to be breakfast. A blackened, shrivelled egg emitted a foul odour that made me want to gag. I suppressed the impulse because I figured it would hurt him.
"Well, at least we know the smoke detector works," I grinned. I kissed him lightly, giving him a hug.
No I will not lay down
I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
"I thought I told you that you're off the case," I sounded annoyed. Izzie Stevens was yet again in the NICU, sitting in the rocking chair she'd inhabited for the past week.
I waited for a response, eyebrows raised. "I'm not off the case," she said after I watched her take a breath. Now, I watched her tense up as she prepared for what I had to say next.
"I'm your attending. If I say you're off the case, you're off the case. You don't have a choice in the matter."
"Actually, I do. You kicked me off the case for what? Caring? So basically, you're telling me that if I care about my patients, I won't make a good doctor. Seriously?"
I was taken aback at this offensive attitude. "Izzie, I'm trying to teach you distance. You will be a better doctor for it. You can care and keep your distance at the same time."
"Maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I just don't see why it matters to you. It's not your job to tell me what kind of doctor I'm supposed to be."
"No, it's my job to make you the best doctor you can be, and part of that is teaching you how to keep your distance. You cannot make decisions rationally; be on the top of your game if you're so attached to the patients."
"How do you know that I won't be able to do that? Maybe I'll be a better doctor for it!" she began to raise her voice.
"Izzie," I said softly, hoping she'd get the hint that we shouldn't disturb the babies. "The reason I'm fighting you so hard on this isn't because I think you're wrong, but because I went through it too when I was an intern. And you know what? I'm a better doctor for it now. It's far easier for me to keep a clear head in the OR. I'm not so concerned about how sad I'll be if the baby dies and I'm able to focus on keeping it alive."
Ok, so this wasn't entirely true. Sometimes I still got attached. I couldn't help it. I'm only human. But it was mostly true… so I figured it was ok to tell her that. I just needed her to understand.
"Unless you're willing to try and detach yourself, I'm not letting you back on this case," I said, definitively ending the conversation.
For the second time in two days, she stormed out of the NICU.
I'm back on my feet
I can just close my eyes and forget everything
My house is empty; every memory blown away
I slid down the wall in the supply closet next to operating room number one. I hated this. I hated long surgeries that go awry at the last moment. Everything is fine. You close up. You take off your gloves. All of a sudden, the baby's stats drop for no reason at all.
Then, there's nothing you can do. You fight like hell, you tell the baby she has to live. But it doesn't work. She's gone. You can't do anything.
I put my head in my hands, and closed my eyes in the dark. I allowed myself a tear, before asking myself why I was crying. I lose patients sometimes… not every day, but frequently enough that it shouldn't bother me this much.
I'm such a hypocrite. I tell Izzie Stevens that she's not allowed to become attached to her patients, and yet here I am, breaking down in a supply closet, because I lost a baby again.
Unable to make sense of it all, I hugged my knees to my chest and leaned back against the boxes and towels and shut my eyes.
Oh the sound of the wind through my bones makes me laugh
At all the bodies I kissed and never knew
Oh the sound of a lover's sympathy falling down to the floor
Just barely out of reach from me
A sliver of harsh fluorescent light appeared on the floor when I opened my eyes. God knows how much time had passed since I shut them. I squinted to make out the figure silhouetted in the doorway.
"We've been looking all over for you," Mark's voice came softly through the dark as he shut the door behind him.
"We?" I asked, worried that there had been an emergency and I'd missed my chance to make up for the surgery that failed this morning.
"Well, me," he admitted. I sniffled in a joyless laugh at this sheepish admission.
He sat down on the floor next to me and put his arm around me. I leaned into him and sighed. It struck me how odd this was. We were never a cuddly couple. It was sex… and then… sleep. There was never any holding each other close and listening to the sound of our breathing, perfectly in time with each other.
This caring, comforting Mark was out of character, "Who are you?" I asked hoarsely, "and what have you done with Mark Sloan; insensitive plastics god?"
He raised his eyebrow when I looked up at him. "I was never insensitive; just a plastics god." I laughed and sniffled, stifling the tears that threatened to spill again at the thought of being so comfortable in his arms. "So, would you like to tell me why I'm sitting with you in a supply closet?"
"I lost a baby," I mumbled.
Luckily for me didn't question my attachment to this child that wasn't my own. He simply put his hand on my head and pulled me close to his chest, where I could listen to his heart beat, "Oh, Addie," he whispered. I breathe in his musky scent and close my eyes. The syncopated rhythm of his heartbeat joining with mine was soothing, and I began to relax.
The door squeaked open a crack, and in came a poor unsuspecting orderly who stopped abruptly. "Sorry," she said awkwardly, "I'll … just… go now." The door shut behind her and we were once again plunged into the darkness that was the supply closet.
I smiled to myself. It was kind of funny, when you think about it from the orderly's perspective. We must be a bizarre sight. Normally in this hospital if you walk in on two people in a supply closet, they're usually going at it. Not sitting on the floor and… cuddling?
"Ready to go?" he asked, thumbing my cheek.
"Not quite," I said smiling at his touching.
"So… want to have sex?"
"Mark!"
No I will not go back
Every word that's been hiding inside of my head is running blindly
Look behind me nothings left
"I'll detach myself," Izzie appeared in the doorway. Her voice was pitched slightly higher than normal. I studied her features for a moment. There was no sadness in her chocolate eyes, only a desperate determination to get what she wanted. I knew that if she had fully intended to detach herself, she would mourn it; not look upon it as simply another task. Ordinarily, her expression alone would have dissuaded me from allowing her another chance.
But I'm a hypocrite. And clearly, I had not yet learned from my mistakes. So maybe my biggest mistake was not letting this run its course. Maybe she needed to fail in a situation that wasn't designed for her to fail. Maybe this was a lesson no one could force upon her; one she had to learn on her own.
So as she stood there, desperation wild in her eyes, I made my decision to let her back on the case. "Really. You're going to detach yourself." I said, crossing my arms in front of me.
She nodded, looking at the floor "Yes, I am." I knew she was lying. It was so blatantly obvious that I had to suppress laughter. Yet, something inside of me forced the thought to the back of my mind, and I allowed myself to invite her back.
"Well, fine then. You're back on the case."
The moment I uttered those words, her face changed. The desperation was wiped away, and replaced by sheer joy. The abrupt change in itself was almost comical to the point of being somewhat frightening. The expression of such happiness was fleeting, however, and was quickly masked – although not quickly enough.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched her deliberately sidle over to one end of the NICU, careful not to glance in the direction of Jessie's incubator. She was trying to make me believe that she was not attached. I admit she actually had me going for a moment. I'd thought that as soon as I told her she was back on the case she would have been at Jessie's side. But no… she was taking her time about it.
She checked the chart of one baby and pressed her stethoscope the chest of another. Finally, she stopped at Jessie's incubator and brushed the tiny thumb with her own. "What's going to happen to her?" she asked, shutting the lid.
"What do you mean?" I asked, although I already knew what she was talking about.
"When she's discharged; where will she go?"
I sighed, "Probably into foster care. She'll go up for adoption."
"Oh."
I can sit in a room
I can hear myself breathing and be quite amused
Life is simple like the wrinkles on my skin
It is amazing how lying face down on a carpet can relax you. The day had been rough, and incredibly long, even for a Friday. Still in my pencil skirt and blouse from work, I was lying on the floor when the door of my apartment clicked open.
"What on earth are you doing?" Mark asked, stopping dead in his tracks.
"Relaxing."
"You are incredibly strange," he set his keys in the dish by the door with a delicate clink, and removed his jacket before sliding down on the floor next to me, pressing his cheek into the soft beige weave. I turned my head to look at him, raising my eyebrows.
"What on earth are you doing?" I asked.
"Lying on the floor with you."
"Why?"
"Because, I'm sensitive," he grinned, eliciting an eye roll from me. "Come here," he grabbed me around my waist and dragged me closer to him. He placed a kiss on my forehead, one on my nose, and finally brushed his lips to mine.
"Mark?" I asked, wiggling my hips against his.
"Mm, yeah, babe?" he managed, his lips still on mine.
"I love you," I whispered. My heart immediately sped up, and I knew I wasn't breathing. What did I just do…
His eyelashes brushed my cheekbone as he blinked slowly. "Addie, breath. I love you too." And he kissed me again; a deep stirring kiss to prove that he meant it. Who else would sit in the dark with you in a supply closet, or lie on the floor with you for no apparent reason other than someone who loved you?
I began to pull myself up off the floor, but he grabbed me tightly around the waist and pulled me back down on top of him. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"I was going to get changed into something a little less… constricting," I said gesturing to my tight skirt.
"Well, would you like some help getting changed?" he asked.
I laughed, "I'm pretty sure I can get dressed myself."
"Oh, I don't know about that," he said in mock seriousness. He ran his hand up my hamstring, cupping my bum before seizing the zipper and gently sliding it down.
"Mmm, maybe I could use a little help," I teased, straddling him as best I could in my stupid pencil skirt and I popped the top button on my blouse.
"Now then, let's get you out of these clothes."
Oh the sound of the wind through my heart makes me glad
For all the ones that never knew my name
Oh the sound of a lovers sympathy
I had to go could not stay here
They were always out of reach from me
Only one more day left.
May